I didn't say you were hopeless. There are very many perfectly happy and content narcissists in this world. It's just that I have yet to see a narcissist become something other than a narcissist, which is what would be required for things to change in your situation, or in most marriages for that matter.

AGG

MS, not long ago I TOLD you in a post what is required of you as a Christian wife and reminded you that you need to do what is required of you regardless of what spartan does in return. In fact I think a few of us told you not to expect to get your needs met for quite a while.

Put you taker away. It is not "your turn". You should be only in the mode of fixing what is broken. Focus INWARD, MS INWARD.

There really isn't anything I can say that isn't thrown back at me.

Sparky...

I've been reticent to post to you today because I think that you desperately NEED to listen to what these people are saying to you...And I confess, I am a bit out of my depth regarding your situation...My affair was 3 months long (as opposed to your 3 year long one)...Most of mine was conducted long distance (unlike either of yours), and on dday I spilled EVERYTHING...So, I do think there are differences in the healing of our spouses...Also Mr. W is the one that sought out and began implementing MB concepts first, I followed very quickly...But see, Spartan is at the end of his rope...Sparky you are gonna need to PLAN A him...Plan A is an incredibly SELFLESS endeavor...BSs that undertake it are HUGE pillars of strength...Their needs surely aren't getting met...Nowhere close to it...That is what you are gonna have to undertake, imo...You must use Plan A to attract Sparty back to the marriage by becoming the BEST spouse you can be...No time for whining...really...

ADDITIONALLY...

I'd like to see you get truly authentic...There has been one thing in one of your recent posts that has needled me A LOT...Something that you reported that I happen to KNOW is very disingenuous...I will not "out" you about it here, because I think the info is personal...However, NOTHING about it needed to be mentioned and yet you chose to mention it anyway - why? IMO, it was misleading and unnecessary...It disappointed me...I'd like to see you strip away all the baloney and get real...I think that is what others are telling you and what Spartan is waiting on too...

Mrs. W

What you say is thrown back at you because you keep focusing on what Spartan should be giving YOU rather than what you need to be giving him!

You beat the sh@& out of him and expect HIM to stitch up YOUR wounds?

Then you expect him not to be mad when you don't exactly want SF--but you had no trouble with the OM!

Sparky,

Have you ever watched one of those wild-life documentaries? Have you seen one with a lion chasing a gazelle? A lot of the time the lion wins the race and has dinner for herself and her family. But other times the gazelle gets away and lives another day.

In order to get away from the lion the gazelle has to run faster than her pursuer. If she falters even a tiny bit she loses her life. If she stumbles, trips and falls or loses focus on the fact that she needs to run like the wind no matter how tired she is or how thirsty or how long it's been since she had a decent meal she is DEAD! If she wants to live she needs to run with an intensity that keeps her moving full speed no matter the obstacles she encounters or what others around her are doing or not doing. If she has just a tiny loss of focus and intensity, she ends up as the main course for lunch.

If you want to save your marriage you need to have that same kind of focus and gazelle like intensity. You are running for your life here, Sparky. You are fighting to have the life you should have with Spartan rather than the life you will have if you falter and end up divorced. That will not be a pretty life, Sparky. It will be one separated from your children a lot of the time, having to earn every cent you spend on your own and live with the full knowledge that it was YOU that destroyed your life. What people here think of you will pale by comparison with what your family and friends will think of you for destroying your family.

Run for your life, Sparky. Run with gazelle like intensity because unless you win this race you will end up getting exactly what you have created with your own choices and actions.

Spartan won’t do anything to fix the marriage because he didn’t break it; you did that on your own. He won’t work very hard to ensure that you are happy right now because he has no reason to invest any more of his time and effort in you and your lies and deception. Until you fix Sparky and become the woman of God you claim to want to be there is little reason to think that your husband will do anything to make you happy. Honestly, you are lucky that he is still allowing you to live in the same house and hasn’t kicked you down the block.

Read the book of Hosea, Sparky. You are Hosea’s wife unless you turn a corner and change your thinking. And there is no guarantee that Spartan will ever have any interest in redeeming you once you hit bottom.

Focus, MS; run like you’re running for your life because you are whether you realize it or not.

Mark

Mark your excellent post made me think of my very FAVORITE "Successories" quote...

"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed...every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle...when the sun comes up, you'd better be running."

Mrs. W

No one is hopeless




That's for Spartan to decide


What you call judgements are countless years of experience by people who know the smell of BS (not the betrayed one). You just call it judgement because you know they are right.


Every wayward tells tough BS's here that they are triggering when they call waywards on their bullcrap.

You have no clue what a trigger does to a BS. Don't assume you do.

I hope, for Spartan's sake, you are sincere. You're fortunate to have the former WW's here posting to you. They are saints for doing so. I believe only they can comprehend you. To me your're an alien.

So listen to them.

Please tell us, with quotes who has said you are a hopeless human being?

If you can't then perhaps you will realize this is your own inner voice speaking.

Pointing out where you've stumbled and where you can find improvement is NOT saying you are a hopeless human being. So please stop the pity party, woe is me drama and get busy doing what you need to do.

Building sympathy is not on your list of MB recovery steps last time I checked.

Take to heart what we've been telling you, which is it's not about your happiness right now.

It is about you, but not like most people use that phrase. It's about what you are willing to do to become a FWW, to become a MB'er.

That part is ONLY about you. It's not about what Spartan does or doesn't do.

I can tell you that what I'm looking for is not a woe is me, because that means it's still about your feelings, and you as a victim seeking sympathy. Even if you are saying you are a victim of yourself, you are still playing the victim card.

Well stop it!

Decide today which role you want, to be a victim, or to be a victor.

Then, it's as simple as Nike says, "Just do it!"

It's not easy, but it is simple.

Sure there is.

You can say, "you are right, I am still thinking about me, me, me and not enough about what I can do better, etc."

Did you notice what folks have jumped on? It's when you start speaking with a sense of entitlement. You say things that lead folks to believe you feel entitled to something you are not currently getting.

Frankly, the only one who gets to decide what he will give you is Spartan. Just like only you can decide what you are willing to give him. There is no entitlement in marriage. There is what you are willing to give.

Can you lock up your taker long enough to GIVE and ONLY give to Spartan right now?

Right now, your taker still wants to take, and is unwilling to admit the FULL EXTENT of the damage it has done. It admits it did damage. But I'm not convinced you really fathom the damage done. Why? Because if you did, I don't see how you could complain about not getting from a severely wounded Spartan.

Your taker is not going to entice Spartan out of withdrawal.

Thank you, everyone again for your help in making me take harder looks in the mirror. As much as I am focused on my own feelings, I see that I'm not actually looking at what I should be.

Last night, I wanted to give Spartan the night off and took care of everything that goes on in the evening and then some. His stomach wasn't feeling well because he forgot to take his Nexium in the AM and so he didn't make it to the table to join us. I wrapped up his plate to keep it warm for him if he wanted to eat later.

I didn't get to see much of him because he worked on my brother's speakers in his car until I went to bed, but I went out and checked on him and brought him something to drink and asked him if there was anything I could do for him. I had a nice clean, warm bed waiting for him.

This morning, I asked him if there was anything that I could do to help him sort through his feelings. He said, "I don't know. Just keep doing what you're doing.". I will but I won't stop there.

I hope you recognize both of your efforts from last night.

Spartan performed an act of service -- for your brother. It is a way of showing love for you. I hope that you recognize it for what it is. Sometimes wives can build resentment that their husbands are puttering around in the garage instead of helping them with dishes/kids/homework/bedtime/laundry...etc. So I hope that you recognize that Spartan was actually doing something FOR YOU by doing something for YOUR BROTHER.

You also performed an act of service -- for Spartan. By taking care of the home duties, and freeing him of those responsibilities. I hope it was your way of showing appreciation for his acts.

Great point Lex!

Yes, I do. He's always been very helpful like that with my family and also our friends.

I haven't ever felt resentment towards him for that because I admire his skill in what he does. He's very good at that!

Great.

Do this for the next 30 days without whining, complaining or begging for kudos, then get back to us.

Then do it for another 30 days, then another 30 days, ...

You do it one day at a time, Sparky.

Today I will be the best Sparky I can be.
I will remain faithful in action, in thought and in feelings today.
I will honor my vows today.
Today I will bring honor to the Name of my God who loves me and died for me.

Today...

Thank you, Mark1952.

Each day is brighter and a little easier.

I had a Dr.'s appointment yesterday afternoon and so I got an early start on the evening.

Picked up the boys, made an awesome meatloaf dinner with spinach and parmesan pasta and had it ready just after Spartan came home. Served up his plate and cleaned up afterwards which offered him a nice relaxing evening at home with me and the kids. DS2 wanted to watch "Return of the Jedi" and so we indulged his request. With all of the special effects now, it actually makes that movie kinda cheap even though it was so advanced in it's day.

Spartan surfed the net for a while and I came in and asked him if he would like something to drink or if there was anything he needed.

Been putting him first (after God) and then the kids. Sparky takes a backseat for a while so that the giver can flourish.

I'm having my parents over for BBQ on Mother's Day. Making chicken!

Feels good to see him smile! He usually brings me a cup of coffee in the morning, but today I surprised him with a nice, hot cup when he got out of the shower.

FYI- Proflowers is running a special this week. You can get multicolored tulips or roses in a vase with free chocolates for $19.

Thought it was a pretty sweet deal. My mom LOVES getting flowers.

Ooo I saw that! But I already got her a gift and a very sentimental card from Hallmark.

Your tone here and in other posts seems odd to me. This reminds me of your "what's on your iPod" post a couple of weeks ago.

Has Spartan sent your NC letter yet? Did you offer to take a polygraph?