Your right...sometimes its helpful just to put words to the yucky, insecure feelings, but its good to get the reality check here.
Thanks.....

"He's in love" and she "better get used to it." Dear God, there is no end to the selfishness. Even when the child pleaded for her dad to "pick her" over OW. Ouch. I understand your anger.

Makes perfect sense too, that you wouldn't want to even lay eyes on him while at the lawyers.

Foolish, foolish man. Giving up all that's good and holy for something that will ultimately come crashing down and make him miserable too. I am so sorry, bf, for all you and your kids have been through.

It's all so painful. And so pointless. At least you have the opportunity for a good life after this is behind you. Him? Not so much.

Hugs to you and the kiddies.

RHW

bf, you have your kids in counseling, don't you?

I really need to hear this because its the hardest thing for me to believe! I hope that it comes crashing down on him, sooner rather than later, if for no other reason than to have him experience some of the pain he's caused. I think as long as he has access to her, he is completely insulated from the reality of our lives.
Sometimes I just don't trust that his reality will be misery with her and I will move on and be happy. What I picture is that he will be happy and in love; the kids will eventually relent and build a relationship with her; and I will just be overwhelmed with all the responsibilities of full-time parenting, while he gets to be with his soul-mate and see the kids when it works for him. Thats where I go on a bad day -- I pray that it will not turn out that way...
I need to focus on how do I care for myself so my reality is not that. I can't do anything about his reality, but I can create mine to be positive and peaceful.

One last thought: I love how WH has said since he moved out that it is not about/for OW. However, now that he's out of the house, who is his girlfriend? Who is he choosing over his daughter? Ironically, its OW! What a surprise, because he had said before that the affair was over and all his decisions were unrelated to her....

He said the affair was over, and his decisions had nothing to do with OW?

[snort] It was all fog babble, bf. Remember? He's still spewing it, too. Witness the bs he gave your daughter recently!

I ask you, how could THAT result in long-term happiness? I'm expecting that once the divorce is final, he will indeed live openly with OW. Maybe even marry her. Once he's "free" of you and his old life, let's see how quickly he starts chafing under his new life. Odds are real good that OW will be building in new requirements and/or the high will turn into the everyday-ness we all experience after the rush of romance subsides.

Oh, yeah, he could be one of the 3% who stays with the affair partner, and yeah, he could manage to fool himself with delusions of his innocence and greatness of character indefinitely, and yeah, he could change the way his family perceives what he's done to you and the grandchildren, and yeah, he could remain faithful to OW and believe she will always be faithful to him.

But it ain't likely.

I've had a number of friends divorce after infidelity over the years, and in every case this is what happened:
WH pursues his selfish dream, burns the bridges to his wife, kids and the life they had. In a matter of months, or maybe a year or two, the fantasy yields to reality--OW cheats on him (or maybe he cheats on her) and it all goes down the toilet. He might still be too proud to let BW know any of it, but in most of the cases I've seen personally, he offers an olive branch to BW, in hopes of reclaiming his life.

But by then, she's over the whole thing and tells him to take another hike. In each case, the WH has either gone from one relationship after another (one has been doing this for more than 20 years!), none of which makes them happy; or he has ended up alone and feeling sorry for himself--still not seeing that he was the source of his own unhappiness.

The End.

I've watched no fewer than six of my good friends go through exactly this over the years, and five of them went on to what they've admitted were much better lives. Only the sixth remained bitter and unhappy for years afterward.

All this to say, live forYOU, bf. You WILL be OK.

Thanks, RHW, your posts always keep me focused on being a strong woman despite what choices my WH makes.
I thought about this on Sunday as I mowed the lawn on what should have been my morning to relax, that I'm not going to stay stuck as the victim. Yes, WH hurt me and the kids terribly, but I feel so thankful that I can take care of the lawn and tell WH, 'no thanks, we are fine without you!" I've really come so far from D-day, when all I could do is sit and cry.
At least now I can see how strong I am and believe it and hopefully send that message to my kids, as well.
Staying dark is the right path and I regret a little my thought that I would be different or that my WH would be different and I could handle being around him while he is still fully wayward. I could not and it was a very important lesson for me. I need to trust how others have coped in the past and stay dark so I have a chance to recover myself.

One last thought I had today in regards to people telling BS's to "move on." One of the scariest things to me is to think about being in a relationship. The last one I was in has resulted in the most pain I have ever experienced and I am not looking forward to starting another. It occured to me, would someone tell a rape victim, "you'll feel better as soon as you have sex again. You just need to get over it and move on."? I don't think so. Those who have not been betrayed by their partners may think this is an exaggeration, but it makes sense to me. When I picture "moving on" I picture pain renewed. I know it will take time to move past that, but that's what it will take. Not another man...

Had the first meeting with the lawyers today. We met in separate conference rooms, but I did meet his lawyer, who shared with me that as a Christian, she felt called to help people divorce nicely (essentially) and I thought, "B*llsh*t!" If people want to be divorced that's great, but what if one person is having an affair -- then what?

Anyway, the whole experience was pretty awful, but much better to not be in any direct contact.

WH has found a new house to rent in a trendier part of town (our house is in the boring suburbs, which we never really wanted, but its great for the kids), which I kept thinking was to be closer to OW, but then it occurred to me that it is so she would be willing to move in there! And then it hit me, this is all still part of his master plan to leave me, be with her and have everyone be ok with it! This plan has not changed, no matter what he says or how much he's cried for me or his mom or the kids. The plan has driven every decision.

So, at this point I need to keep working on recovering myself and it is so hard at times because I keep focusing on this life he's creating; wondering what the next part of the plan is (children) how that will affect me and the kids....

Okay, breath..... I can't control it and I have to have faith that doing the right things for me will result in a happy life. I miss H, but WH is such a d*ck, that its hard to even remember H...

That's funny. In my Bible, it says God hates divorce. Why on earth (or in heaven) would God "call" someone to help people divorce amicably? :crosseyedcrazy:



And that's who you've been dealing with... d*ckhead. Your H is nowhere in site. He is going to rue the day he did this to you and his precious, precious children. If he keeps going, he'll NEVER have a restored relationship with his kids, or you.

(((BF)))

Thanks, princessmeggy!

I think I have found something that is very therapeutic to me in this process. As I've mentioned, I've been doing redecorating to make the house comfortable and pleasant for me and the kids --- mostly painting and moving furniture around. Well, there are some other things I've been wanting to do since we moved in 7 years ago, like pull out these gawd-awful spindles that separate the kitchen and family room. So last night, after I cried and ate and zoned out to t.v., I decided to just do it. I had thought about it and and knew that structurally they were unneccessary. Out came the rubber mallet and I just started whacking them! They came out great (even though my DS12 was a little worried!) and left no marks or damage. I thought I was going to have to have some man come and take those out. Heck, I had those out in no time and it looks great.
So, my lesson is not just do the little things, but do some of the big stuff, too. Don't be afraid to try and to trust myself!!! I knew for years that it would look better and would be easy to do, but H didn't want to try.

Next is painting the family room, including the fireplace! I'm so excited about that!

That's what I admire so much about you, bf. When you trip over your own very (understandable, normal) painful thoughts and emotions, you lay there for a little bit, then get up and go back into strong, competent, capable WOMAN.

Bet you enjoyed swinging that rubber mallet, not just the results. Good girl. Sounds healthy to me!

And I loved your analogy. Telling a BS to get over and find someone new IS like telling a rape victim to have sex to get over the trauma. Makes about as much sense.

And I hope you don't beat yourself up about coming out of your darkness to take a peek. You learned something about YOU in the process. Unfortunately, you also confirmed that WH is truly lost. Maybe you just had to check. It's OK, and you'll recover from that too. HE'S learned nothing.

FWIW, I agree with the princess that WH's lawyer has missed the boat...a self-professed Christian who's lacking some of the basics. Let's hope she's no better at law...

Keep on truckin' girl.

Ok, this is why I need an IM. WH called last night and talked to DD13 and wanted her opinion about what to get MIL for birthday. That was something I always took the lead on, so he never really had to think about it.
Anyway, DD13 kept saying she didn't know and he needed to figure it out. I should have got up and left the room, but DD13 came to sit with me when she got the call and I didn't. My first mistake!
She started to get really frustrated and I was offering responses to help end the call and then I took the phone from her. ARRGGHHH!!! I am my own worst enemy!
I told him it was his responsibility to figure it out and he got pretty pissy with me and ended the call.
Later I sent a huge long response via IM -- not sure what got sent because my wonderful IM responded with 'are you sure you want to send this?'
So, my lesson is I can't even be in the room when the kids and he talk and I can't jump in there to resolve their conflicts. All I can do is listen to them if they want to talk about it later.
I am always learning and this is one lesson I need to pay close attention to.

Don't forget to teach D13 that she can hang up on him if she needs to. Many kids are afraid to be 'rude' to adults and will suffer through more than they should cos they don't know how to end a bad situation. Some role playing would help.

That's a good point -- I think she would do that if it got really bad, but she so wants her dad to 'get it.' We had a really good counseling session this week and I was astounded how insightful she is about the situation, what she wants from her dad and what he seems incapable of giving.
It breaks my heart, but its not mine to fix...

Ooooooooh, is he gonna have a tough time putting things right with DD13 when the day comes. Karma bus is running late...

Of course, you're right--it's not yours to fix, but you ARE there supporting her, loving her, being a good PARENT. She will never forget that.

And DD13 says one of the saddest things for her is that DD4 will never experience our family like she and DS12 did. From their perspective, mom and dad got along, we had fun and they had a happy life. She's not buying into WH's revision, but it upsets her that DD4 won't have the same childhood that they did.
DS12 is quieter and trying to stuff all those feelings. He worries me a little more because he hangs out with WH more etc, that he's going to have a lot more to "stuff" and its going to continue to turn inward on him.

You can't know that about DS12, bf. Don't buy trouble. If you're really concerned, look into counseling (or are you doing that already? I forget).

Regardless of any negative influence WH may have on him, don't overlook the POSITIVE influence he's getting from YOU. You are his rock right now. YOU are monitoring him for what he needs, and to the extent you can get it for him, you will. It's all you can do.

And don't forget, he's got loving grandparents too, who are looking out for him (and your other kids) in a special way now. The kid's got a pretty good support system, no?

Yes, we are in counseling, but WH is often pushing for a new counselor, so he can see the kids in session. The kids and I share a counselor right now.

I know my kids have a lot of support and I try to keep in mind that we will be fine DESPITE WH's choices, not beause of them. His thinking is that we will all be better off BECAUSE he made the choice to end his lie of a marriage and be with someone he loves. And we all lived happily ever after......