Ambivalent, you are facing the classic issue of one involved with a high functioning BPD, the question of whether you have the dx right. If you have read and visited websites. you know that just about everyone goes through this. As you have noted, these folks almost never seek therapy. It is anathema to them , as on, some level, the realize that it involves looking at themselves and that is the last place they want to go.They have spent a lifetime deflectin and diverting responsibility for their actions. Ever try arguing with one. In no time, the focus is in you and something compltely different thant the issue at hand.
Cling to those egregious events that you recall, , as they are your touchstones to curb your doubts. Thank God they do these off the wall things on occassion, as the ambient abuse, the eye rolling, sarcasm, silent treatment etc are much more subtle and make you doubt yourself and wonder if you are blowing things out of proportion.On the misinformation campaign, it is also standard operating procedure. She is lining up her next source of supply and wants her "supporters" in her corner. These folks are artists due to a lifetime of practice.

Perfect actresses. I had friends in school I'd had for years who doubted how awful my mother was until they witnessed (heard) it for themselves.

One particularly good male friend confronted her when I told him about the abuse etc (it took years to work up the courage). She convinced him I was lying and doing it all for "attention". That ended our friendship.

Yes, they are consumate actors. I was fortunate. My XWW's family had had enoguh and filled me in on the details of her past, urging me to get out and not suffer further.
My dad had my first wife sized up, but never said anything until I disclosed her serial cheating and my intention to get out. He was a very street smart lawyer. He told me "your wife is the most insincere person I have ever met" (and he had met plenty).
The folks that know you will not buy her stuff. You may be painted as controlling or abusive or jealous, etc. You need to let this stuff roll off your back. It is worth it to get out and , for the most part, the folks that are supporting her are not folks whose opinions you would value, anyway.

Zelmo...Pretty spooky how accurate your descriptions oh her behaviors are - I guess that is the disorder though, and why its possible to create a DSM manual.

I'm pretty much decided that I need to work on plan D. If by some miracle she makes amazing strides and commits to recovery I may be able to pull back on this, but in my mind I will need to see several months (probably minimum 6) of sustained effort and change before I even consider moving back into the home. Until that time I am in detach, disengage and prepare for Plan D mode.

Thanks for everyones input, it has been very useful. I will likely be spending more time on the BPDFamily.com site for now, but will check back in from time to time.

thanks again to all