The replies to my previous postings have suggested, among other things, snooping. I never did have a really good snoop because I never did have any real evidence of a PA, or an EA between him and the woman who started out being his passenger only. But that's changed. I've now snooped.

I've found out that his so called passenger, his dance partner, she who he called a drip, at his suggestion brought her car here in the last week of April. He worked on it for her. He will have taken her on a tour of the house. OMG!! She's been in my house, she's seen my things, they were here while I was at work.

He kicked me out of the bedroom in the last week of April. I only found out tonight that she brought her car here in the last week of April. I wonder if 2 and 2 make 4.

I've known all along that he's going to a festival off-shore in the first week of June. I only found out tonight that he's going with the OW, her sister and her sister's husband. Previously I've asked him if she was going and he said he didn't know. He knows perfectly well. He's even running the four of them to the airport.

So he's lied to me by default and directly. He says he doesn't want me involved in his friendship because I'd be nasty to her. Lame reasoning; guilty reasoning; ridiculous reasoning. I don't believe it especially as I've chatted to her on the phone and been to her house socially.

In the past week or so, he's said to me that he doesn't want a relationship with me because he doesn't want half a relationship. He was refering to the fact that I've found it impossible to satisfy his EN's with the thought of her in the background. I haven't even been able to fake it.

What he's trying to do is to blame me. He's not admitting that the reason I can barely look at him, the reason I ran from the house in tears, the reason I have taken refuge in my work, the reason I can't speak to him or bear to be in the same room for longer than a minute or two is because of what he's done by getting involved with the OW. I won't take the blame for that. I'm not to blame because he's had an affair.

As I'm not seeing him even though we live in the same house, it's impossible to carry out Plan A. By default, I've been carrying out Plan B. We're now living in the same house as distant flatmates. I avoid him as much as possible.

So the reason for posting this is to ask what you think of my plan:

One of his EN's is for a good looker. How do I say that? He appreciates a nice looking, well dressed woman. He's always admired my figure (not implying anything rude). He's always appreciated the sight of me in nice clothes looking dressed up and (again, not implying anything rude) sexy.

My plan, which will benefit me and possibly help this disaster of a relationship, is to take care of myself =
to get my hair done,
to get some smart looking clothes, (the kind they put women in in those make-over programs on tv where the women end up looking stunning),
to dress up and take myself out'n'about and
to be seen by him, the new me going about my business.

I'd really like your opinion.

By the way, I carried out Plan A during the Xmas holidays with spectacular results but it all turned to dust when his club resumed and he went back to her.
I've told him how I feel and how much damage his involvement with her has done to 'us' - his reply was that he won't be changing what he's doing and I'd better like it or lump it.

What now? I'm a mess. I'd really like your opinion. The situation here seems hopeless but I've read enough posts on this wonderful website to know that it isn't entirely. I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm writing this deliberately in CAPS - HAVE YOU EXPOSED HIS A?

Robyn, you know as well as all of us that you HAVE TO EXPOSE.

Who to?

His parents, his siblings, your parents and siblings, this partner's parents and siblings, the friend or whoever it was that connects her with your husband, your church counselor, the dance place they go to together. That should do for starters.

Seriously, anyone who has an interest in your family (or hers) and can put pressure on them to stop seeing each other.

You have the RIGHT to do this! What would he do if you were spending all this time with another man? He would be furious!

So get furious!

Hi Robyn

Sorry it has moved on to this. Get going on that exposure - everyone, anyone that it is going to make it very uncomfortable for them to be together! neighbours as well as everyone's families and the dance club.

Go for it on that plan for the makeover. I know you did a brill plan A at Xmas but think a little of those other ENs. I'm sure he gtes plenty of admiration from her, I know difficult at this time but think of all those things that you admire him for and tell him as they happen. Can you fit in some RC?

Willing you on

ST

Hello staytogether

There are programs on tv showing how frump can be turned into fashion model. Even before I decided on the make-over look-gorgeous plan, I'd been out and bought the kind of clothes they recommend on those programs, ones that are more flattering than the baggy nothings I used to wear. They make underwear for women these days that's particularly flattering. Bought that.

Yes, I know, I should be eating properly but with all the stress of what's been going on, I haven't eaten as much as I should have so I've lost weight and am now skinnier than I was when he met me. Last night I walked in after work, oddly enough not to the usual stoney silence. I was spoken to. I couldn't help but notice he gave me in my fitting, flattering clothes a side-long glance. Good. (The OW is no looker, that's for sure).

I'll make every effort to admire the things he does. He made dinner last night. It was ready when I got back. I'm kicking myself that I didn't seize the opportunity to admire the job he'd done.

He's barely having anything to do with me anyway, not since the last week in April, the week, I've discovered, when she came to our house. He did work on her car here. That week, he banned me from the bedroom. What with his blokey hobbies that take place at this time of year and his even heavier than before involvement in the dancing club, he's hardly ever here so RC never takes place, at least not between him and I.

Thank you for good wishes.

How? At gunpoint?

I've never understood how the WS is often successful at imposing his / her will on the BS - e.g. throwing him / her our of the bedroom, out of the house.

If you want to sleep in your bed, and the implication is you do, why don't you?

I don't because he said either I move to the spare room or he does, (straight after she'd been to our house for him to work on her car - excuse me for being suspicious). Whatever, if I go into our bedroom, he'll go to the spare room or vice versa. What he was really saying was that he won't be in the same room as me. That's how they do it. They just remove themselves.

Hello Cat

You asked what he would do if it was me who was spending all this time with another man?

What would he say if the boot was on the other foot and it was me
---who was going out weekly with another man,
---who was going to monthly dances with the other man,
---who was visiting the other man while he was at work, to do repairs you understand,
---who had had the other man at our house, to work on his car, what else?
---who was going to a week-long off-shore festival in June with the other man and
---whom he suspected was up to no-good with the other man?
What would he say?
Extremely strong words is what he'd say.

I am furious. Absolutely furious.

I take your point. He can dish it out but I very much doubt that he can take it.

Exposure has begun. Those who've been told have been disgusted to say the least.

Tell me, do you make it clear he has to give up the OW before or after exposure?
And what if he won't give up the OW?
Plan B?

Ah - so you agreed to move out, rather than him banning you. Anyway, it doesn't make much difference.

I'm no expert on the infidelity side of MB but as I understand it, you now expose to all who can bring pressure on your H to end the A, implement a stellar Plan A, ask H to have no contact with the OW, and to write a no contact letter.

If contact persists, after a month or so of plan A, you move to plan B.

Suggest you read the infidelity articles and columns on this site, get Surviving an Affair, and maybe look up some of the notable posts on this forum, e.g. 'the carrot and the stick of plan A.'

You make a statement of fact to him that there cannot be three people in a marriage. In order for your marriage to survive that he needs to give up contact with his OW.

Let him know that you want a strong marriage with him and that you are willing to do the work to make your marriage strong. But that your work will be all in vain if he continues contact with OW. Therefore, contact must end. This can all be said before exposure takes place. You are not making a demand, you are making a statement of fact. You can also let him know that his relationship with her is adultery and goes against his marriage vows to you.

You should not leave your bedroom. He is using the separate beds as a way to excuse his adultery. His thinking is that since the two of you are no longer sleeping together, that he is no longer "married" to you. This is of course very foggy thinking and wayward thinking.

You take back the marital bed of your home. If he refuses to sleep in the marital bed with you, then he must live with the consequences of that decision. But do not leave your marital bed.

With you out of the marital bed, he can also tell people how you left the bed when they ask him later on what is going on and how all this started. Get back into the marital bed tonight!!!

Oh, I SO agree. Take back your bed. Start showing him that you are a force to be reckoned with! He uses you because you let him. He has no respect for you because YOU have no respect for you. Teach him otherwise!

First, you need to expose to EVERYONE at the same time! Why? Because once he finds out you're telling people, he will hustle to call everyone else to spin HIS truth - that you are going nuts, you're over critical, you nag him, you did this or that. You have GOT to be the first one to contact these people, ok? Finish it all up today.

As for him, just keep repeating that one phrase, any time the subject comes up - there is not room for 3 people in this marriage; stop seeing her. Calmly, not mean or mad, just calm. Show him you are taking back your marriage. I imagine that since this has been going on so long and you've been so limp about it, he will have to be scared that you're willing to lose him before you will accept her. Make it known that this marriage will NOT continue as is.

The people who take the strongest actions are the ones who most quickly (and permanently) get their spouses back. Stay mad!

RobynR do you have children with WH? How old are you?

Hello black_raven

Thank you for your reply. He and I are both in our 50's. We both have children but none together and none live with us.

Hello cat

How right you are to suggest I should be furious. Being a placcid person, it's taken me time to work up to that state and I'm not quite there yet, almost but not quite.

Exposing to everyone at the same time would be ideal but unfortunately hasn't been possible. I have exposed to my friends and family(and they all say I'm mad to stay with him). They all laughed with derision when I reported that he told me there's nothing going on with the OW.

Something interesting has gone on around here. It probably follows the pattern shown in so many affairs, EA or PA.

The OW was, of course, much more understanding, admiring, adoring, interesting, &tc &tc than the boring W (me). After all, she shared his dancing hobby, gave him someone permanently on hand to dance with, kept him company during his long drives there and back and so on. Of course she satisified many of his EN's. She would. Don't they always in the beginning when things are new and ideal, when eyes are covered by rose tinted spectacles?

He's played the role of the knight in shining armour to the damsel in distress. Thanks to him, she's been out 4 times a month for the past 11 months; thanks to him she's had repairs done at her house. Thanks to him, her car is in good running order. He's been just wonderful to her and of course, he's been on a pedestal in her eyes.

However, reality was bound to kick in eventually and at last, it has. Comments made to me in the past week have shown that at last he's seeing her not for the golden girl who satisfies his EN's but for what she is. What she is is fine but doesn't match with what he is. They're not at all alike. All they have in common IS their one shared hobby. As far as attitudes, &tc go, she's the complete opposite of him and at last, at long last, he's seeing that.

When I heard his comment about her, I said the usual "Oh" but inside, I was thinking that affairs are really about two people in gaa gaa land. She was only wonderful as long as she appreciated and adored him which she did, of course, while he satisfied her EN for recreational companionship. She's less wonderful now that he's seen her true colours and what he's seen aren't the characteristics he appreciates in a person.

What's more, he's going to a week long festival in another state with her and the gang so he's going to be stuck with her for a full week. She's a dependent creature who relies on others rather than on herself. I'm laughing to myself that he'll be expected not only by her but also by the gang to take care of her and trot her around. He who prefers independent and capable women will be spending an entire week with a dependent ninny. If he up and off's by himself, the gang won't be too impressed. Nor will she. Nor will the other couple the two of them have been hanging around with. He's got himself into quite a position. Wonder if he's going to enjoy himself?!!

PS:

I know I should be trying to apply Plan A by satisfying his EN's and being the kind of person he'd want to be with. I know I shouldn't be amused by the position he got himself into. Please excuse my wicked mirth.

Did you take back your bed? Why not?

Why aren't you going with him for this festival?

I'm not going with him to the festival because
---in my job, I get very generous holidays but taking time off during the busy period is frowned upon, understandably
---I can take a bit of rock'n'roll but not a full week of it, morning, noon and night.

Exposure is in progress. Important people have been told. More to go.

The days when I would minimise are over. I'm telling people matter-of-factly what's going on. Their opinions are most interesting.

Yes, I've started packing. Well, sorting, actually, sorting out my stuff so that I can pack and move in a trice.

I didn't realise just how much I've put up with until I started exposing. It's not only his so called dance partner / companion / OW. It's so many other things, smaller things, seemingly unimportant little things that have added up to what's basically profound disrespect and really, I have only myself to blame because I didn't see it coming AND I let the small things slip.

An example: I returned from night school to find the television blaring so loud it hurt my ears. For years, I've just left the room and not watched and he's got his way. This time, I said that it was too loud for me in a voice that conveyed displeasure. I also pointed out in strong terms that he'd moaned about "junk" in the livingroom, that I'd cleaned out what turned out to be all his stuff in the livingroom and not even one day later, he'd left his stuff lying all around the room again without so much as acknowledging the effort I'd put in or respecting what I'd done by putting his stuff away.

These things may seem minor but I'm fast coming to realise that so many minor things have added up to a profound case of disrespect. No wonder he thought it was perfectly fine to be trotting out with the bimbo without considering for one minute the effect his actions were having on me. He hasn't considered me for years while he got his own way in almost everything and I am to blame for allowing it to happen without kicking up a fuss and standing up for myself.

They say you don't step on a live wire. I've been a fool not to have been more of a live wire. Instead, I've been a passive ninny who let him walk all over me, who never said "Go this far and not further". and who never provided consequences for his actions when he went too far.

I'm glad you're protecting yourself by seeing this. None of us are saints, but women have a tendency to let a LOT of things slide, IMO.

You're right, Cat, women DO have a tendency to let things slide. I've let far too much slide. I could fill a book with the number of ridiculous rules he's made that I've lived by. Not any more I don't. Times are a changing.

How utterly inconsiderate of him to be leaving one day early for the festival off-shore. He's leaving on a Monday that's a public holiday. He and I COULD have had a long weekend together. I COULD have had a break. He's retired. His OW is on welfare and doesn't want to work. I'm the worker who needs a break yet I'm the one who won't be getting one.

In an earlier reply to one of my other posts, you said I should be furious about his involvement with the OW. I should be furious about many things. All the while I've been meek and mild, putting up with, saying nothing, carrying out Plan A, etc . I never stood up to him. No wonder he's treated me as he has. He sees me as a pathetic pushover. He knows he can get away with anything.

Why can't you take a break?

Robyn,

I agree with catperson. You can take your own break... without him. I'd leave Friday night for a spa or shopping weekend, leaving him on his own Saturday & Sunday until he leaves on his trip.

Then get HELP from your family and friends and either move out or move his things into storage while he's gone (whose house is it? do you want to stay there?). What a great opportunity to start Plan B. I'm not sure how long you've know about OW and when you first demanded he cut off contact, but Plan A will not work as long as he remains in contact with OW. You don't have to be nasty about it, just cut him off!

Here's where I'm coming from... I listened to the "she's just a friend" line for 4-1/2 YEARS, when of course my instincts were right and there was a full blown PA going on. It seems so crazy to me now that I let it go on for so long, but at the time I was able to make one excuse after another to myself and time went by.

You do NOT need to put up with this, and as long as you do, he will continue to disrespect you.

Please let us know what happens!

Neese