Hello

This is my first time to post and I need advise! I have long suspected there was something going on between my wife and her boss. Six months ago I found map quest directions in her car to another mans house who just happens to be a friend of her boss. At the same time I found a note in the car that she wrote stating she was sorry for the way she acted while on travel with him because he was being overly friendly with another woman and possibly being intimate with her and that she could handle being the "other woman" but not one of many other women. BTW..her boss is married. She went on to say that she felt there might be an element of "Love in the mix" in thier relationship and she hates when the weekends come because she can not be around him. I confronted her about this and she was extemely upset and said those were her private thoughts and nothing more and they are NOTHING MORE than good friends and she only went over to his friends house because she needed to be alone and write this note. FYI... she would never address the piece about being the "other woman" when asked. About a month later I checked her text messages on her cell and found 2 messages to him 1) I miss talking to you & 2) just ignoring or did I do something wrong. Again I confronted her and she was furious and said they are nothing more than good friends and basically I needed to accept that fact. Then recently I opened our credit card bill and found a charge to a hotel room, oh by the way is only a block from where she works and she only stayed there for 3 hours. I again confronted her and she stated she needed time alone to think some things through. However, upon checking her cell phone online I noticed that 4 minutes after she checked in she placed two calls one to her bosses office phone and the other to his cell. What am I to do? This month is our 20th anniversary and we have two daughters (18,14).

First off, I'm sorry that you find it necessary to seek this place out. Its a horrible situation to go through.

That being said, as I'm sure you know, your wife is blatantly lying to you. There is no way that the evidence can be explained away as circumstantial. You have exposed the affair to her and she is gaslighting you in attempt to keep it going. You MUST expose and immediately. Take all the evidence you have and expose it to her family, your family, her work (i.e. boss's superior), boss's wife, and anyone else that you think you can put pressure on your wife to end it. Tell them that you are not trying to villify your wife, but are seeking their help in saving your marriage. If you keep this knowledge between the two of you, it WILL continue.

The affair is a fantasy, and it must be exposed to the light of day so that she can see it as the ugly thing it is. Be prepared to deal with her saying all kinds of hateful things to you after exposure, most of them untrue. Read up on Plan A here so you know how YOU should be acting through all of this. Most importantly, read the stories of the other betrayed husbands (BHs) here. You will see a distinct trend that those men who acted quickly and decisively are usually the ones who have a chance at recovering their marriages. If you waffle on what needs to be done, plead with your wife to end it, or get all clingy and cry, she is going to run for OM.

Be strong, be decisive. Plan A.

Did you copy or print out these things? If so, take them directly to your wife's HR department and demand to meet with the HR director. Tell him/her that you are going to contact your lawyer tomorrow, and you want to give the company that much time to take action.

Then go home or back to work and start calling your wife's family and friends. Research her boss and get his wife's phone number and call her.

DO THIS TODAY!

The only thing you can do, if you want to keep your wife, is to EXPOSE. I promise you, it works! You HAVE to stop the affair before you can hope to get her back. The only marriages I have seen survive here after infidelity are those where the betrayed spouse takes fast, direct action - gives the WS only ONE option - stop the affair or divorce.

She will be mad, but your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive a third person.

CatPerson has it nailed!

When you start trying to bring everything to the light, your wife will start what we old-timers call 'fog babble' - that is the crazy, stupid stuff waywards say while in the fog of denial and lust and unreality.

You need to be well versed on several things - -
- angry outbursts (avoid these)
- disrespectful judgements (avoid these)
- the art of exposure
- emotional needs (find hers that you can meet right now)
- reverse babble (there is a thread on General Questions II - somewhere)

Your marriage may yet survive but not if there is a third party involved.

Catperson/Unfettered

Thanks for the advice. I need to give you some additional info and I ask for more advice from both of you. I am walking on a slippery slope here. My wifes boss is a VERY influential person and if this was to be exposed without anything short of actual pictures of the act it could be the end of my career. My wife flat out says there is absolutely nothing to this and why can't you just accept it. She also says that "In all honesty you want me to admit to something that would be a lie". However, why would a spouse write such a note? She says she was fantazizing of what it would be like and what other people would think of her. To answer catperson: I do have the cell phone records, the note she wrote, and the hotel receipt.

* Can you hire a PI? Get the GPS. Get the Voice Activated Recorder? Lots of people here do polygraphs.

* Also, there is more traffic on General Questions II. You might get more help if you contacted one of the moderators (look at the bottom of the screen and click on a name) and asked them to move your thread there.


* There is some good info available on the links in this thread.

My advice to you would still be the same. You ask "why would she write such a note (if nothing was going on)"? The answer is she wouldn't. She referenced specific events that I bet you can relate to her work schedule. Besides, the obvious response is if she was fantasizing, why would she fantasize about problems and conflict (there being another OW) in her affair? Again, she wouldn't. She would fantasize about an affair in which she was swept off her feet by a fabio like character, in a love that was undeniable by anyone.

If you feel it is imperative to have photographic proof before you can expose at work, you might be best served to delay exposure while you hire a PI. Your wife already knows you are suspicious, and so she will take her affair further underground, making it harder to get that proof. This is really a CYA move though, designed to protect your future rather than your marriage. Your marriage will suffer and unravel further the longer you wait.

Other ways to gather proof are a digital voice activated recorder hidden in her car, keylogging the home computer and her work laptop if she has one (careful of the legality there though), or buying a throw-away phone with gps capabilities and stashing it in her car. Then you could intercept her at one of her rendezvous and get the proof you need for work exposure.

The bottom line is that exposure is the single most valuable tool you have for ending the affair. If you want a chance to save your marriage, you must expose, the sooner the better.

As far as accepting it, tell her that the evidence does not support her claims and you will accept her answer once she passes a polygraph test. Watch how fast she clams up.

So you are willing to lose your wife because of a possibility that this man may get you fired?

Uh, ok then. I guess we know what you really love.

You want to pre-empt this 'influential' man from getting you fired? Contact your local newspaper or TV news station. Tell them that you have a potentially damaging story on this man, but you will not relate it yet. Get that person's business card. Go visit your wife's boss, show him the card, and say 'This person is waiting to hear back from me on a potential story. Do you want them to hear a story about what a great upstanding man you are, or that you are a lying serial cheating married man? Men have lost the Presidency for less than this. I will be monitoring my wife from today forward for further contact with you that is not work-related. And if she ends up getting fired, you can bet which story this reporter is going to get.'

Your previous comments suggest that the OM is a bit of a serial cheater. Exposure may likely mean the end of HIS career.



Your WW is lying. That's what WW's do. They lie. They deceive. They'll smile to your face and boink the OM when your back is turned. And if you give them a chance, they will make off with your money, your kids (if you have any) and the rest of your assets if you don't wake up and pay attention!

As your WW continues to lie to you in the face of this exposure, I'd advise you to take steps to protect yourself and your assets immediately. Do you have any kids?

All of the above does not preclude practicing a "Plan A" with your WW, if you really want to recover your M. You can read about "Plan A" on this website. If you're lucky, your WW may eventually become a FWW, and rejoin your M.

Concerning that hotel receipt, is there anything you can do to find out if she checked in with anyone on that date? Perhaps phoning the hotel, indicating that you're investigating a charge to your credit card on that date...

You can suggest a polygraph to your WW, but she's likely going to provide all sorts of excuses why she won't take it: "Not reliable", "too expensive", etc.

My suggestion would be to hire a P.I. and use cash to do so - because now she thinks that you're suspicious, she's likely to be watching your activities as much as you're watching hers.

Catperson, MiM,Unfettered et al

Thanks so much for your thoughtful advice. I do not know your stories, but it seems as though you have experienced the circumstances I now find myself in. I know in my heart that my wife is having an affair in spite of her absolute denial.


A clue for u, the slippery slope I find myself on comes from within the five sided building.

All the more reason to tell him to leave your wife alone. He has a LOT to lose.

Ah, the 5 sided building...

I am familiar with that place. Can you say, is he Military or Civilian?

Either way, believe it or not, this immeasurably strengthens your position.

Strict rules of even the appearance of impropriety in that joint. Many Flags have gone down for this.

Wonderful. Both military. How do you hire a PI to spy on a high military or civilian official. You don't. I'll get crucified for saying it. Trial separation. What other way is there? You hire a PI and you will do 12 years in levenworth. Or 5 & dime at woolworth (couldn't resist the groucho marx). What can you do? You can bring them up on adultery charges under the UCMJ, and they will get to the bottom of it. Especially if you're enlisted. I feel for you.

Ouch,

where does it say they are both military?

Actually better if the OM is a high ranking officer and our man here is enlisted. Nothing brings down the fire of hell on a senior officer than messing with an enlisted man's wife. And rightly so!

Let him tell us what the situation is if he's willing.

I am sorry but she is playing for a complete fool. She shows such amazing distain for you. You need to be checked for STD's. I would suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. I would also suggest that you ask her to take a polygraph. She is so blantly lying to you. It is clear at this point she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By the way do you think if the roles were reversed that your wife would be accepting all of this humiliation and disrespect from you and be so accepting as you appear to be? She has degraded and continues to show utter distain for your marriage. She apparently considers you a total doormat who will accept all types of abuse. Enough is enough!

Good Morning All

As I re-enter the net I find that my clue has sparked a lot of interest.

I agree she has tried to play me for a fool, however, I have seen through her smoke screen all along.

My main concern is my kids. Our oldest will graduate from high school next month (off to college in the fall) and our youngest will start HS next year. I have attemtped to the best of my ability to make it seem as though all is ok. BTW...The Washington Post/CNN would turn this into a feeding frenzy. I am not sure I want to subject my children to that.

That said, I know I have the upper hand. I have prepared an OPORD and am willing to commence full spectrum OPS (IG, WP, CNN). BUT, what if I am wrong. I must have absolute proof before STARTEX.

Sounds like you're loaded for bear. Give em both barrels. The news media rarely bring the children into these things. The main focus is the offending parties. Probably because they don't want to waste the time and space on side issues.

Have you hired a PI to obtain the proof? Probably the smartest way to go, that way OM can't try to turn this around on you, as you will have proof provided by a professional. And I'm pretty sure that there are a LOT of professional PIs in DC!

That's actually the worst thing you can do for your kids. Think of the example that you are giving to them.

Here's the part that I focused on ... in effect, its a disclaimer that invalidates everything else.

It means ... "I'm going to continue to do NOTHING to upset the affairees". It is nothing but a proclaimation of fear and inaction.