By pressing charges against him. He is not going to magically wake up and realize all he has done. He is going to have to hit rock bottom and truly face all he has done to get himself there.

Until you say enough, he is just going to keep on doing what he wants to do. Sometimes that may be a benefit to you but most of the time it will only benefit him.

It is time you start protecting you.

You leave him and press charges.

Well, here's the thing --

He didn't hit me intentionally. He went to slam the door shut, and I was following behind him, and it hit me.

SO I don't think pressing charges is going to do any good.

I am not trying to make excuses for him. Accident or intentional, it should not have happened.

But I just don't know if what he did is exactly grounds to leave him and press charges.

You are making excuses already.

Accidental or not, it should not have happened, you say, and yet you say he did it.


Please do not turn into 2M2L.

Why do you mean by that? I haven't read any of his/her posts..

2M2L was a poster here whose WH would hit her often and verbally abuse her even more, making threats etc. She refused to take our advice--in fact she would talk about things like her tan in the same breath as explaining that her WH threatened a coworker.

PLEASE DO NOT BECOME THE DOORMAT.

I just don't know..

Part of me thinks that all of THIS is the new Mr. KDew.

The other part of me thinks that THIS is all a crazy downward spiral, stemming from this economy and my H's layoff in January, as NONE of this happened until then.

That being said... I go back and forth on what to take to heart and what to "blame" on circumstances..

Before January, H was by no means perfect, but he was NOTHING like this man..

So I really am torn on what to do now.

I know that H has SEVERE depression right now. I really want to get him help and stand by my vows. Depression is a clinical disease. So since I vowed "in sickness and in health", shouldn't I help him through this?

It kills me to see him tear his own life apart like this. And it hurts all the more knowing that I am THE ONLY person closely related to him that is not enabling his actions, but rather trying to seek help for him.

Regardless of whether we stay together or not, I want him to get help for his own sake, and, of course, for the sake of our children.

So why does the majority of people think I am wrong for staying?

Because, when you stay, you are taking on HIS responsibility as an adult as your own. He no longer has to think for himself cos he knows you will always be there.

Once he no longer has you to lean on, he will HAVE to take care of himself and get help.

Well, he is not here. I have told him that I do not want him here until he gets help, but that I do not want a divorce.

So I AM making him take responsibility for his actions. I told him that he is not allowed to take the kids until he seeks help. It has only been four days, so I don't know so much if it has sunk in yet.

Problem is, his mother will have the kids this weekend, for at least part of the weekend. Because I have to work, and she is our caregiver.

I told him and her that if H leaves with the kids on his own, I will alert authorities. A report was filed the other night, just in case. But charges were not pressed.

Am I going the right direction here?

Yeah, I think so.

I hope so..

I don't want to completely take the kids from him though. As much as that would (hopefully) hurt him, my oldest is old enough to understand that Daddy is gone, but not old enough to comprehend why. So I think that it would do more harm to the kids than to H.

I have been talking to H's old youth pastor, because he was the only person that H would turn to 9 years ago when his parents went through their infidelity and separation. So far, it hasn't done any good. This pastor is now a head pastor at a church in FL, and we are in TX, so all that he can do is call H. Well, H just keeps declining his phone calls.

I think he is just so angry and in disbelief about the fact that I kicked him out. I have never done such a thing. I don't think he thought I would ever actually do it.

H keeps telling me that he is going to file for divorce. But I told him that I will fight it. He says he doesn't understand why. I explained to him (like I have numerous times over the past few months, since the depression symptoms started), that I don't want a divorce. That I can forgive him for everything, because I know he is suffering from a clinical disease. That I realize "this" isn't who he is. But, that he still needs to "grow up" and get some help for himself.

I just wish I knew how to get his family (who seems to have the greatest influence over him) to quit enabling this behavior. I don't know how to convince them to push him to get help. They think that he is fine. That the only reason he is acting like this is because of me.

But I just don't believe it. Saturday (the night before the incident occurred), we had a WONDERFUL day together. We took the kids to the park. Had a picnic. Flew kites. Took the kids to his parents for the night. Went to a romantic dinner. Went to see a movie. Grabbed a drink. Went home. He told me he loved me at least 20 times that night.. Then turns around the very next day and leaves me, quoting that he doesn't love me anymore?

How can that be possible?

How about researching some data on your H's situation, and mailing it to his family, and asking them for help?

I have tried. Well, not in writing. But I have tried to sit them down and explain it all to them. They think I am the crazy one, just imagining these symptoms.

But that is a good idea. Maybe I will get some stuff together for them.

They are just such enablers, and I have never been able to get through to them in the past, about anything.

I mean, my FIL cheated on my MIL for almost 17 years straight, and my MIL never confronted him about it, because she was scared he would leave her...

I just really wish I had support, from anyone.

I know it sounds petty and immature.

I am a grown woman.

A mother.

Yet I feel like I need someone to lean on.

This is just so hard.

EVERYONE I know is telling me "LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE!"

But it just isn't that easy.

How do I just say, "Well, that's it. You want a divorce. Here ya go."

And live with that?

I can't just sign a piece of paper that says I am not married anymore without trying.

I know that we have our problems.

I know that my H has his faults.

And, believe you me, I KNOW that I have many, too.

I know we have differences.

But who is to say that they are irreconcilable?

Aren't ups and downs part of the natural trend of life?

I just find it so hard to believe that H thinks we are beyond repair, when THE DAY BEFORE he left, we had THE most wonderful day together.

But it is so hard to do this, without ANY support.

My mother told me (in many more words) that I can't have her and H. I need to choose. She will not stand by me so long as I am trying to fix my M.

And if I don't talk to my mother, NO ONE in my family will talk to me.

This is THE single hardest decision I have EVER faced.

On the one hand, I feel my mother is COMPLETELY out of line for giving me this ultimatum. What sort of mother does that?

And the things she said to me.. Told me how it is all my fault. Everything. She says I pushed H away by giving him "rules" -- that he can't do drugs or cheat.

Wow. Didn't realize those were such crazy and absurd "rules". I thought those were kinda a given..

My mother has ALWAYS been my Number One Critic, but NEVER in a constructive way.

On the other hand, I LOVE my H and KNOW that we can make it work out, IF/WHEN HE COMES HOME.

But if he never returns, and I choose him over my mother (and, in turn, my entire family), will I just be left alone in this world?

I am such a mess right now..

And then the fact that tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I can't even spend it with my children.. Much less my family or my husband.

I'm sorry, KDew, but I believe in Tough Love. Because it is psychologically (logically) sound practice. As long as you take care of a drug addict, they know they never have to quit. Period.

If you love him, you will let him fall on his own.

I am not enabling him at all. He still isn't living at home.

But how do I make the decision between my mother (who is definitely not healthy to be around right now, and my H (who isn't around right now)?

My mother is the one making the demands and the ultimatums. And, naturally, that makes me want to not listen to her.

But "choosing" my H seems like intentional isolation, as he is not technically "here" right now.

I just feel like every direction is wrong.

It's becoming increasingly harder to maintain composure..

Maybe your mother knows the right steps to take - stay away from H - and she is trying to push you to it the only way she knows how?

Well, there is a lot of background with my mother that would completely negate that -- as she is an active alcoholic/drug addict... which is a whole 'nother story.

I understand that it hurts her to see me "letting" my H do this to me..

But I am *trying* to Plan A here, before I go any further.

But all that my mother is telling me is how I am "doing this all to myself". She actually told me yesterday (in a still-drunk-from-the-night-before stupor), that I am not happy unless I am miserable..

Because that makes COMPLETE sense, right?

There is ONE thing she was right on about -- that I have a tendency to shut down and push people out.

That's *partially* why I am here. I am trying NOT to just shut down. I am trying to actively partake in fixing the problem (and my M), rather than just saying, "Well, there's no point in trying. H wants a D."

Funny that you choose the phrase "Tough Love" though.. Because that's what she *claimed* to be doing to me yesterday. Finishing with a "Well, F you and don't ever talk to me again. You are the worst excuse for a daughter, a mother and a person."

So.. I don't think she is who I should be turning to for "guidance".

But, that's just MHO.