Lindz, think of yourself as the mean kid with a really big stick that represents infidelity.

Think of GP as a pit bull.

Think of the pit bull's teeth as divorce.

Whack the dog too many times and his teeth will tear you to shreds. It is not the dog's fault that its owner is beating the @&*$ out of it.

It will defend itself if it feels threatened. Do not expect the dog to stay quiet for much longer.

Bullcrap!

You know and knew exactly what you were doing. You were told here 100 times. The fact is you are selfish and only care about yourself.

You're no different than someone who could torture another. You have that unique ability to forget that everyone else is human and has feelings just like you.

Get over yourself.

iam ~

You are right... I was selfish and yes can still be. However, I do not only care about myself. I care for so many people that I actually have a hard time prioritizing who I should be giving my #1 importance to. I understand, that person should be my spouse. But, I do have a very serious question... should I be making sure myself is healing and whole before I try to save this marriage or do I throw everything into my marriage and worry about the repair of me later? I truly don't know. I do not have the unique ability to forget that everyone has feelings. I think about them all of the time. I have always, up until last winter, put everyone's needs besides mine ahead and first. That is truly not healthy.

Lindz,

Have you read Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud?

You can find it here along with some other things you might want to look into including Healing Is A Choice.

Mark

Here is my advice to you Lindz:

Step 1. Stop having sex with men that aren't your husband. I can explain in more detail what that means if you need it.

Step 2. Go see a shrink and find out why you have so little respect for yourself that you do these things.

That is nonsense that you put everyones needs ahead of yours. My God, your selfishness has caused untold grief and trauma to your husband. Your H is on the ground bleeding from your ABUSE that was done in pursuit of selfishness. Your actions don't match your words....by a mile.

Your biggest problem is that you are not honest. With others or your self.

Your victim is on the floor bleeding from your abuse and your concern is if you should take care of yourself first?

It is your dishonesty and disconnect from reality that is not healthy.

Lindz, answer me this.

Does a rapist have the right to cry about how they might have caught an STD from the victim?

NO!

You have LOST the right to think about yourself for a good long while!

lindz,

A repentant wayward spouse's first priority (apart from ceasing to be actively wayward) is to attend to her betrayed spouse. He is in agony. His life is in shreds. He has lost everything precious to him, and has no reason to believe he can ever get it back.

You need to prove that you can be different from the selfish, lying, dishonorable wife you've been. You must care for HIM, tell the TRUTH about everything, and be honorable...all by your big-girl self.
And you must NEVER again lie, cheat, or behave in a way that shows you care more about your own comfort than about him.

Gonna be a gargantuan task, and you'll need professional to accomplish it. I do hope you get it.

Since honesty is your new policy and you think about others "all the time", were you thinking about goldpig while having sex w/OM?

You won't stop lying to everyone else until you start being honest with yourself.

I'm just waiting for the "other" OM to come in from the rain.

You know, the one who hasn't yet been talked about. The man who probably was the affair partner BEFORE the "first" OM that Goldpig knows about. Or maybe it is the one she has on the string, just in case?

Somehow, I think that the letter is partly true. She's is desperate - yes. But this is ALMOST the whole truth.

Goldpig, she has one more shoe to drop.

SB

I just wanted to give everyone an update on what has been happening in my/our lives. I stayed at my brothers until GP asked me to come home. I was respecting his wish to have a trial separation. It was pure torture... I think for both of us. I do completely understand that it is not nearly the torture that I have put GP through in the last year with all of my lies.

To answer many of your statements/comments about another OM besides the 2 that I have confessed to... there are no more. I don't have an OM on the string, I don't have an OM to confess about that was "before" the OM that GP does know about. I had 2 affairs last year. I had not been wayward prior and I have not been wayward since and I will never be again. I am studying and working hard at learning how to put boundaries in place so I will never be wayward again. I am truly working on learning how to be empathetic to GP and what he is feeling. That is something that I don't feel that I have ever done before. I am also letting him tell me how he is feeling and just listening, not trying to answer everything or have a comment about everything. Just listening.

I scheduled an amnio so we could get the paternity results before baby gets here. We had that done yesterday. It was very scary but GP was there with me and we were supporting each other through it. I let him decide on if he wanted to do it after the baby got here or if he wanted me to have the amnio. We decided to go ahead with the amnio and as I reflect on it, I am very glad that we did because when OUR child is born I want him to look at her and know that she is his and not hold back any love for her. We will know next week what the results are, even though I already know because I was not having sex with any OM when I became pregnant.

I am also sitting for the polygraph test this coming friday and look forward to taking that. I have a list of questions that I know GP still is wondering about, reluctant to believe me, and I will have my pretest interview tonight or tomorrow. I will have the results on friday and look forward to getting those results to GP.

I just wanted to update everyone and not leave this thread because I think it is an important thread for me and for my BS. I love him and will prove to him that our relationship/marriage is my number one priority.

Let's hope your fifth (sixth? seventh?) chance isn't wasted, then.

lindz

Glad things are moving better. In favor of the DNA test being done. Not when it was done for the medical risk to the baby that is claimed by the medical profesion. Being "you" know that GP is the dad taking any extra risk was not wise. The test could be done at birth.

You should of told GP that this is why you are waiting to give birth. I know who the dad is. I'm only doing this test to prove to you that it's your's.

Lindz, here is something that helps me.

I strive, all day and every day, to keep my spouse foremost in my thoughts.

Every post I post, every conversation I have with colleagues, every email I send, every telephone conversation I have ... whether with friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers... I constantly ask myself "How would this affect DH?" If it would hurt him, or if it could be misinterpreted, or if it is innocent but could "look" bad if taken in the wrong context, I censor it.

This also goes for my actions, like getting a cup of coffee for someone, who I chose to eat lunch with, who I chose to sit with in the break room or at a PTA meeting... everything I do, I surveil myself with my DH's best interests at the core of everything I do.

It's a lot of work at first, if you're not used to doing it. With practice it becomes easier and eventually it becomes second nature (but I still review my words and actions all the time).

Turtlehead ~

Thanks for the advice. I admit that I have not been good at doing that. I really have started to work on it though in the last few weeks. I am trying so hard to consider my BH in my daily activities, thoughts, conversations, etc... Until the 2nd A was revealed I had been selfish and was only going about this half-a-- but it is amazing what you yourself can do and change when you allow yourself to give up the selfishness for the other person.

The DNA test on our baby and our samples is in processing. Hopefully we will know in the next few days or early next week. I just want him to have that reassurance before she gets here.

I was scheduled for the polygraph test on 5-1-09 but when I did my phone interview with the examiner he asked about medical conditions and of course I had to say that I am 38 weeks pregnant. He discussed the situation with another examiner and he informed me that he thought it was best that the test was postponed until after the baby arrived. He said that the stress the baby and pregnancy can put on a body can skue the results. I was devastated. I wanted to take the test so bad. I had him keep my deposit because I plan on taking it a few weeks after the baby gets here.

I just wanted to update everyone on what is happening with us. We are baby-stepping forward but at least it is forward. God and our Pastor have helped us so much and I am renewed with strength every day for my marriage. I love my H more then anything and I am working diligently on changing behaviors that lead to me having multiple A's.

Something's fishy about the phone thing...but I've never been pregnant so I don't know.

What do you mean, "something's fishy"? I am telling all of you what the examiner told me after he discussed it with another examiner. He said that he has been doing polygraphs for 20 years and he has yet to do a polygraph on a pregnant woman. In NO way am I trying to not take this polygraph. I was extremely devastated that I couldn't take it. I look forward to taking it in about a month or so.

I'm terribly sorry--I was thinking you meant the test to determine paternity.

I must have skipped a few pages, and read over that too quickly...I apologize.

Lindz,

I said this before and I'll say it again if you have anything in your past you have not disclosed to your husband get it out. I flunked part of my polygraph because I didn't disclose all, good thing I was allowed to slide on that one. That is if you are a person with morals and a conscience who feels badly, which I think you are, commentary of others aside.

At that time I was cautioned that after my polygraph not to plan anything stressful for the balance of the day. So yes you should wait until after the delivery.

NJ

Thanks for the words of advice NJ. I have disclosed all to H and we are working on trying to more forward, slowly and not rushing things. I am frustrated that I didn't get to take the polygraph though and even though I understand why it is best I didn't, I still wish I could have. Thank you for seeing that I still have morals and a conscience, even though I will be the first to admit during the months of the A I did not, that I DO feel horribly and want nothing more than to help in recovering my marriage. How many questions in regards to your A did your examiner include on your poly? I gave my examiner a list of about 10 making sure that he knew which ones were the most important but I think he will only include 2-4 about the actual A. Does that sound about right?

I just wanted everyone to know that we got our paternity tests back and as I have been saying since the beginning... My H and I will be parents hopefully in about a week (or less!). My A's ended on 4-21-08 as I said they did and they did not continue one day past that.