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vst...it's so funny, as I was taking a shower and getting ready to go out on a "date" with FWH, I thought "I will not be surprised AT ALL if vst's WH emails her back and changes his mind about tonight". Well he didn't quite do that, but he DID invite you out tomorrow morning and that's pretty darn close! That is just soooooo wayward, it isn't even funny! Here is something that I learned last night that really struck me...FWH is going to IM for another man who has a wacky WW, and we met with him last night. FWH gave some intel that I thought was interesting as we were discussing PB. FWH said "The A had ended the day MF exposed...I wanted nothing to do with the OW or the A, "deciding" between the two was never an option for me...what took me so long to come home was that I needed to face MYSELF, and come to terms with the fact that I had become "that guy"...I had become a monster, someone I detested. It's so hard to face that, and something that the BS will never understand." Now, this isn't to say that your WH is definitely going thru the same thing...but somewhere deep down, I bet he is. I am sure my FWH swung wildly between anger and wanting to come home...like your FWH is doing now. But I didn't have to witness that because I was in PB, and why you need PB as well. You are almost there...! Use tomorrow to Plan A your [censored] off and report back here to let us know how it goes! Does your WH have a favorite meal or dessert or anything that you could give him tomorrow, since he isn't "feeling well"? 
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Please remember we are here for you. PB is so boring. You aren't caught up in the chaos, you aren't doing anything and it's just dark. WH didn't try and break it, in fact I think my spirit broke in many ways when I realized he just didn't try anything.
It's so easy to say you are going to let it go and focus on yourself and not your M. I congratulate you if you find it easy. I didn't and so if you don't, please don't beat yourself up. Just come here and look for support.
I'm a doer, a fixer and PB was absolutely the hardest thing I could do. They told me that my heart and mind needed to be in sync. It wasn't totally. It was what G-d wanted and thus I had to do it.
I think woman in particular are taught that our identies are our families, being mom to someone, and being the wife of someone. How could strangers be asking me to give up my identity with the possibility that it was the end of my M. How I came to true terms, was PB was the ultimate commitment to my love for my H. I gave G-d my H to do what he could and pray everyday it involves coming home.
It's a risk we take, but in the end, we learn alot about ourselves. Queenie, Thank you so much for your insight. I've never thought of it that way, that it will be "boring". I can see that because my life has revolved around this for a long time. I've been hyperfocused on my M and my WH for a very long time and when I go dark, it will be quite......no chaos. I'm a doer and a fixer like you so giving up control will be tough. Wow, I wasn't seeing it that way and I'm so glad you told me this so I can be prepared. {{{{{Queenie}}}}}}
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vst...it's so funny, as I was taking a shower and getting ready to go out on a "date" with FWH, I thought "I will not be surprised AT ALL if vst's WH emails her back and changes his mind about tonight". Well he didn't quite do that, but he DID invite you out tomorrow morning and that's pretty darn close! That is just soooooo wayward, it isn't even funny! Here is something that I learned last night that really struck me...FWH is going to IM for another man who has a wacky WW, and we met with him last night. FWH gave some intel that I thought was interesting as we were discussing PB. FWH said "The A had ended the day MF exposed...I wanted nothing to do with the OW or the A, "deciding" between the two was never an option for me...what took me so long to come home was that I needed to face MYSELF, and come to terms with the fact that I had become "that guy"...I had become a monster, someone I detested. It's so hard to face that, and something that the BS will never understand." Now, this isn't to say that your WH is definitely going thru the same thing...but somewhere deep down, I bet he is. I am sure my FWH swung wildly between anger and wanting to come home...like your FWH is doing now. But I didn't have to witness that because I was in PB, and why you need PB as well. You are almost there...! Use tomorrow to Plan A your [censored] off and report back here to let us know how it goes! Does your WH have a favorite meal or dessert or anything that you could give him tomorrow, since he isn't "feeling well"? Thanks MF. I think my WH might feel that about himself too. He's called himself a monster and a POS before. I will do my very best PA work tomorrow and report back. Thanks for the tip on a special gift. I'll come up with something. Hope you have a wonderful date with your FWH!
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Ah but you are, Queenie. Glad to see you here supporting a budding Bee. vst, remember, admiration is most always in the top 3 ENs for men. Think tonight of a phrase or two that you can say tomorrow. Don't get overly mushy because it'll seem fake. Just a quick comment once or twice.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Ah but you are, Queenie. Glad to see you here supporting a budding Bee. vst, remember, admiration is most always in the top 3 ENs for men. Think tonight of a phrase or two that you can say tomorrow. Don't get overly mushy because it'll seem fake. Just a quick comment once or twice. Thanks SMB, that's a tough one though.....geez there's not much I admire about the man right now! Only thing that comes to mind is that he is willing go to church still. How to word that?
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MF, I was just browsing thru your old threads from around the beginning of R. Something caught my eye that you wrote:
"We actually learned this in our Retrouvaille weekend - and he admitted flat out that he has a hard time with the whole Love is a DECISION thing - he says it's a feeling, and you can't decide what your feelings are...we've talked about it some more, but he just doesn't "get it"....so we just don't talk about it anymore."
My WH feels exactly the same way. Did yours change his mind about this??
Also, I think being passive agressive applys to mine as well, was the book "The Passive Aggressive Man" worth reading?
And, what meds was he on? Antidepressents?
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Your PB letter looks good. I would cut some of it, because waywards have VERY short attention spans, and I would rearrange it just a little so he's not quite as likely to reject the idea out of hand. Dear WH,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that allowed you to have the desire to have an affair with OW. I realize now what my mistakes were in our marriage. I was not meeting your emotional needs and I‘m sorry for that. I didn’t know what to do to have a healthy marriage but now I do and I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meets both of our needs.
But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your adulterous relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are still in contact with her. I still love you and it hurts me too much to see you under these conditions.
What it will take for our marriage to recover is a complete end to contact with OW, whether that means you leaving or her leaving the job, and for you to agree to participate in a marriage recovery program guided by a marriage coach of my choosing. Once those conditions are met, I will consider reconciliation.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. You will not be able to come in the house, and I will not be coming to the boat. DD will be waiting outside for you to pick her up on your scheduled visits. If you want to communicate about DD or any other matter, it will have to be through my friend MF/SMB/TST. I will block your emails and I will not accept any phone calls from you. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to be in love again. We can build a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I fully believe this is possible for us. I want this for DD too because she deserves to have her parents together and in love.
As soon as you permanently separate from her Hagwench and are willing to follow the measures that I gave you to ensure total separation and protection for me protect me from the pain of your affair, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I loved you when we married and I love you today. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in contact with OW in any way.
vst
(Copy to OW with note: OW, I want you to know that I love WH and I am willing to do whatever it takes to recover our marriage and for us to be happy together.)
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Intermediary Contact Information:
xxxxxxxxx
Visitation Schedule: Once during the week and every other weekend. We will alternate holidays. <- define exactly when during the week. Also define what "holidays" are. President's day? Labor Day? Halloween? 4th of July? Martin Luther King Jr Day?
This is a standard visitation schedule and it will help DD and I to have structure in our lives and to start creating a new normal for she and I. While she is still in school, she DD will continue to have tumbling on Thursdays. You can pick her up there at 5:00. Your first full weekend will be Friday, May 16th. You may pick DD up at 6:00 and return her on Sunday May 18th at 6:00. I would appreciate it if she still attends church on your weekends and if you are on time for pick up and drop off.
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...he has a hard time with the whole Love is a DECISION thing - he says it's a feeling, and you can't decide what your feelings are... Love is a verb AND a feeling. When you love (verb) your DH, he loves (feeling) you. You make the decision to treat your DH in a loving manner, and then he "loves" you. He has to also decide to treat you in a loving manner so that you are empowered to love him properly. For example, he should tell you what his ENs are and how he likes them to be met. He should tell you when things are bothering him. He should work with you to address problems in the relationship. Then you can love (verb) him, and he will "love" (feeling) you.
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I find the visitation confusing. Is he picking her up on Thursdays or Fridays? If on Thursdays, when must she be back on non-visitation weekends? Thursday has been the week day because it is convenient, her tumbling class is close to his office. So that would be the one day of each week. I may change that to Wed. though now that I think more about it. Thanks for looking over the PB letter. Your suggestions are appreciated. Taking that stuff out makes sense.
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...he has a hard time with the whole Love is a DECISION thing - he says it's a feeling, and you can't decide what your feelings are... Love is a verb AND a feeling. When you love (verb) your DH, he loves (feeling) you. You make the decision to treat your DH in a loving manner, and then he "loves" you. He has to also decide to treat you in a loving manner so that you are empowered to love him properly. For example, he should tell you what his ENs are and how he likes them to be met. He should tell you when things are bothering him. He should work with you to address problems in the relationship. Then you can love (verb) him, and he will "love" (feeling) you. Thanks! I like the way you put that, it makes more sense to me now.
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It’s not the absence of trials that determines our happiness
Its the absence or presence of God
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She's working hard getting her ducks in a row for Plan B.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Well, I'm in Plan B....can't really believe it but here I am. I'm going through so many emotions I can't keep up. Wed. the letter was delivered. I was trying to stay busy and not think about it but every few seconds I would pause and think "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown!" I didn't thank goodness. I have felt like a cat on a hot tin roof since then. I read where someone said that they found themselves still trying to "protect" their WS. I'm so glad I read that because I realize that is what I'm still trying to do. I find myself thinking that he just needs me to love him and help him to be ok. Then I realize that is what I've been doing our entire marriage. Protecting, enabeling, pretending not to see, posing....I feel like I've given away a lot of years, but then I have to remember where I am and who I am surrounded by. I'm in a town I love surrounded by wonderful Godly friends that hold me up. I didn't have that until we moved here. So God knew what he was doing bringing me here. I know this and I'm grateful. I wonder though, how could it not be in His plan for my WH to get "fixed" and come home and be the husband and father I want/need him to be? It could still be, I don't know but it's time for me to get out of the way. I've been hurt too much. I feel raw with pain and fear. But I still feel the draw, the pull to talk to him again but when I imagine it, I see myself flinching and putting my hands up to protect myself because all he has done for a very very long time is inflict pain on me. I've been kind to him and he just wants to hurt me. But I have the greatest IM's in the world and they are holding me up and keeping me focused and strong.
The D papers will probably be ready to serve tomorrow. I can't believe this is really happening....
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But I still feel the draw, the pull to talk to him again A lot of this is habit and routine. You've centered your life around him for so long that you're in the habit of being drawn to him. As you establish new routines, behaviors, and thought patterns, it will get easier. It will probably get more difficult first, though! Thanks for posting, I've been wondering about you.
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Things are quite in PB. Lots of time to think and wonder. I just finished watching a movie, don't know the name, but the last line was "I've see what we can be like together, and I choose us." That caused a crying fit requiring a whole box of tissues. That was what I've been saying all along to my WH. Right after the first d-day, I felt that God had shown me what our M could be and I began to fight for it. Then came d-day #2 and finally d-day #3......and I was still fighting, alone.
Last weekend was a fairly good weekend. WH spent some time with DD and I. Sunday we all went to church together. I was in Plan A and I felt good that afternoon, peaceful. He had gone home (to the boat) and I was home. Suddenly, I was stuck with a horrible feeling. Something was not right and I need to find out why. I borrowed a friends car and went to the marina. I saw from a distance a woman getting on our boat. I walked down, boarded, entered the cabin, and found them in bed. Yes, there it was right before me. My WH with yet another W. Luckily I got there too soon for any clothing to have been removed. I don't think I could have dealt with that. What happened next is a blur, me screaming, her (drunk by the way) staring in disbelief. My WH stammering about how he wasn't going to DO anything. Well, the LB's flew freely and I had the chance to say a lot of things I'd never got to say. The last being that someday I would find someone who will love me and DD and make us the center of his world and WH would just have to sit back and watch. That hit him where it hurts and I'm glad.
I gave a good fight I think. He never lifted a hand to fight for me, not really, not enough. Then as I told above PBL went out on Wed. and D papers served on Fri. He's not really tried to contact me. A few emails that I deleted. My IM's are caring for me well.
I'm just so sad. I look around my house at our memories and I wonder what was ever real. My life now seems like a lie. One that I allowed. One that I lived. WH was really just a dream because I know he was never a real husband or father. He was a poser and I was an enabler. Here in these last few months, I thought I could save him! I thought he would want to be saved but he never reached out.
I don't know what is going to happen to me, but I know it will be ok. God wanted me to see what was happening on the boat that day I'm sure. He was saying, let him go. I've got it now. You need to rest and heal. And that is what I will do.
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Yep..you were supposed to see that. I had something like that happen that revealed that my xh *(was back in 2003)was not done with seeing ow. I was supposed to find out.
In a wierd way, VST, this had to come to a head. This had to happen. There can be no playing around anymore from him. He has to know this is it. As it is now, it's over. HE DID THIS.
You're not in disbelief anymore. There's no more wool over your eyes. He can't successfully tell you his version of the truth because it's NOT the truth.
Do not protect him from his own actions sweetie. Please don't. I know it's hard. I remember the EXACT time I first filed for divorce (there were 2 times). First was on 9/11. Gosh I remember it being THAT same date. I was crying all day and thinking I did the worst thing, but then I remembered..I DID NOT DO THIS..HE DID THIS..
One of two outcomes will happen. 1)he realises what he has done, and will move heaven and earth to become the H he needs to be or lose his family as he knows it forever or 2)You will divorce him, grieve for a short while, bounce back and become even better than ever!
Either for you is a win win. He's got only a 50 percent chance for happiness anymore. It's up to him to see if he makes the intelligent choice.
God's got a great sense of humor! XH: WS extroidinaire..remarried ow 1 day after divorce (1/1/04); been cheating on ow/w since day 1 and they are in process of divorcing Me: thirtysomething, baseball mom of a 10 y.o. DS, happy, moved on. Should be engaged to wonderful guy any day now. Currently reading HNHN together. Building a foundation on truth, love, and family
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Thanks Peachy! I'm so glad you popped back into MB when you did!
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Just wondering....I know this is a stupid question that no one can answer but I'm just wondering what to expect in the next few days....weeks.....what has been others experiences? My WH has not really tried to break PB other than a couple of emails. He did get a mothers day gift (for my DD to give me) to me through a friend. But I have heard nothing. Don't know if he's glad I filed for a D, or sorry, or ...nothing. I know I'm not supposed to be concerned about it. I'm actually better today than yesterday and the day before so I know time is going to heal me. AND I can see how PB is good for me! No ranting or manipulation by WH which is so peaceful!
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Thinking I'm going to call the OWH tomorrow and tell him I've filed for a D. He is not pressuring her to look for another job. He said "we're putting working on our M first". Right buddy, so you think.....What is a good/nice way to convey to him that he is being blind and stupid?? I did call and tell OW about the boat skank.......so she knows that WH business is really stinkin now....
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