I found out three weeks ago that my wife of 17 years was having an affair with her boss.
I was totally blindsided and totally devastated.
We had what I thought was a great marriage.
Our relationship seemed to me to be blossoming.
I discovered an email account they were using when she got up from the computer.
She confessed right away and promiced to end it.
I think she has but she still has to work. We need the job.
I have discovered through the last few weeks that I had not been meeting her emotional needs and he paid attention to her.

I want this marriage to work and I think she does too but I cant get images of them together out of my mind. I cant stand her to go to work even though we have no choice right now.
I want to get him fired for this but Im afraid that would drag her through the mud too.

Man Im hurting but I shure want to be the guy who meets her emotional needs but I just dont know what to do right now other than to let time pass and continue counseling.

She needs to find another job. You sound like a pretty caring guy. She didn't respect you. Were there any consequences to what she has done. Has she been contrite and filled with guilt? Are you making her work to restore what she gave to another man, that was yours? If she does not work. You could think that she is getting off to easy and become bitter about it. Most marriages fail after infidelity, how will yours be different?

I am a caring guy, I love my wife with all my heart.
I let her down emotionally and I accept responsibility for that.
She is filled with guilt and remorse and has told me so many times.
She wants the marriage to work but wants that emotional void filled by me.
We are working to restore what we had.
I hope our marriage doesn't fail but Im just not sure what I can do other than give her my love and learn how to meet her emotional needs.

Have you visited her boss yet?

Only in an email in which I expressed how I felt about him and what he did to me and my family. I have not confronted him in person.

You need to expose OMW, work, WW's parents and siblings.

WW must have NC so either she or OM has to leave the job.

Toolguy,

You might want to consider visiting a lawyer. Most companies have rules against bosses having affair with people that report to them. I discussion with a lawyer might help you understand what is possible. Often they will taken on a company on a contingency basis because of the deep pockets of the company and their insurance company.

Your W should not have to miss making a living because her boss got in her pants. Yet, she should not be in contact with this man now. You should not have to suffer emotional pain because she is going to work. He and the company can and should be in a world of hurt, especially if anyone knew of the affair.

As for your W, I think you need to understand a few things. The status of the marriage is partly your responsibility. Her choice to address whatever the issues were by having an affair are HER total responsibility. There were many ways to address what she felt were the failings in the marriage including divorce, having an affair is not one of those ways.

I hope you read the articles here, and perhaps your W will as well. Further, I would seek good promarriage counseling. You probably do need to change how you addressed this marriage and your W, but you are NOT responsible in any way for this affair, that was her choice, it was her vows, and it was her boundaries.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL for the info.
The company is big and has deep pockets for sure but my sole focus right now has to be on my marriage.
You are exactly right, I am responsible for the feelings in her that left a void that someone else could fill. Her choices were dead wrong and I think she knows it.
I dont want to sue the company and drag all this out in the open.
I want to get her out of there ASAP and move on with the rebuilding process.
Thank you all, this is a very helpful site.

toolguy,
You aren't understanding. Exposing to the company IS focusing on your marriage. Your wife and her affair partner are still in contact every day because they work together. It is like sending an alcoholic, who is one day sober, to hang out in the bar every day. Read the other stories that litter this board. Continued contact makes recovery essentially impossible. For all intents and purposes, not exposing means that you are actually NOT focused on saving your marriage. She needs to stop working with him immediately. Your two basic choices are that she quits, or you expose the affair at their work. And you really should expose their anyways.

One other thing. I saw that you wrote that you didn't want to drag her through the mud. I understand that. I really do, because I was the same way after my ex-wife's first affair. You see their pain and grief, and you want to protect them, but what you don't realize is that by "protecting" them, you are really just preventing them from experiencing the consequences of their actions. You know what that got me? Another affair with a different coworker. I didn't expose to my family or her family or her work. Other than her talking to me about it, I insulated her from all the bad effects that she exposed herself to. She never learned her lesson.

Please follow the advice that people are giving you.

The ONLY way to fix your marriage is to separate them. Period.

You need to be going above HIS head on this. Believe me, if it's a big company, they have STRICT policy on this, and he WILL be moved or fired. But YOU have to make the phone call.

She is a Manager too.
He is number the Plant Manager, she is 1 level under him so it could get ugly as they are both in management.
Granted he is the ultimate boss and should have known better than to even let this start but I just dont want them both to be fired and have that on their resume. I only want him fired.

I hate this has happened to you. I am no expert on marriage by any means, but- she should start looking for another job right away. If she refuses to, then that will tell you alot about how sincere she is about fixing your marriage.

Do you want your marriage or do you want your wife to have this job?

Quit making excuses and call the company.

Fine. So you're saying $$$ is more important than your marriage? Sure you are. IF your marriage came first, you would move heaven and earth to keep them apart, including exposure to the powers that be at her job. Who cares if she loses her job? That's the LEAST of your worries right now. Your marriage is in SERIOUS trouble.

Have you read about exposure? How it works? It's purpose? We're not just telling you this to get revenge. It's to (1) make sure that OM and WW won't be together at work and (2) to stop OM from doing this again to someone else's wife.

"Your wife and her affair partner are still in contact every day because they work together. It is like sending an alcoholic, who is one day sober, to hang out in the bar every day. Read the other stories that litter this board. Continued contact makes recovery essentially impossible."

"Do you want your marriage or do you want your wife to have this job?"

He wants to save her job.

Saving her job will only allow contact to continue and the affair to go on.

He wants to save the OM's job.

Are you that nice, or that big of a wuss to save the job of the guy that's banging your WW?

The guy that has no intentions of stopping himself from banging your wife. You want to protect him.

The guy is banging your WW and you are not willing to do everything to keep them from working together.

Expose work, write a letter to CEO then CC the letter to the director or HR, the board of directors.

Nothing is more important to me than my relationship.
Not money, not a job, not revenge.
She resigns tomorrow.

What?!!!!

WTH are you not going to HR?!!! Again, TO PROTECT YOUR MONEY!

If you don't go to HR, this POS is going to find YET ANOTHER woman to seduce. Do you honestly want that on your conscience just so you can make sure your wife's resume doesn't get an ink mark?

Jeez.

Hope you're not in my city.

toolguy, going to HR IS NOT ABOUT REVENGE. I hope you see that. It is about making a company aware that they have a predator in their ranks who is undermining the efficiency, character, and good name of their company.

My H works for a horrible, small company run by a POS jerk (the owner). Everyone is terrified of telling him what's wrong with the company (one man, who has the owner wrapped around his finger, but is bringing the company down). One person quit this week (one of many), and I asked him very strongly to tell the owner, when he resigned, WHY he was quitting, that it was ALL about this other man who is ruining everything, but who the owner loves. This man said he would NOT tell the owner this, because he was looking forward to a good recommendation from the owner and didn't want to jeopardize that. So I said 'so you're willing to leave everyone else in the lurch, those who can't afford to quit, who have no other job to leave for, just to promote yourself?' He said yes; I wanted to throw up. That was Tuesday. Wednesday, he resigned, and got screwed over by both the owner and this other employee. He came crying to us, saying he wished he would have listened. Sometimes, only looking after yourself isn't the only answer.

TG,

Actually tell him he resigns or you tell his wife AND kids. You should not be suffering the financial loss! Have him fall on HIS sword.

God Bless
NJ

Go to HR he needs to feel the heat also. They may move him. HR's have rules to follow so it doesn't matter how deep the pockets of the company. You don't need to sue them just report. Otherwise he sits back and laughs as your wife quits like all the other women he cheated with while he stays because the husband is afraid to report it to HR.

I worked for an attorney who was like this. He was an important partner and went through the secretaries right and left. He'd blow it, the secretary would quit and the firm would settle. He's still there today. I always wondered what would have happened if someone had stood up and challenged the firm for allowing him to stay.

newj

Bad advice never give advance notice that you will expose. Only gives the OM time to do damage control.