I enjoy FB as a way to keep up with relatives in other states. I have 3 aunts, my mom, my husbands grandmother, an uncle, and a bunch of cousins as my friends on there. It's nice. I can share pics of the kiddos without having to go through email. It's a lot easier.

MF, you can use the FB search function to find people. But when you click on their name, just a box comes up with their name and a message saying you have to be a FB friend to see their profile. Then there's a link where you can request they 'friend' you and along with the request, you can add a message. That's how some old friends found me. If an old boyfriend were to find me and I felt uncomfortable about it, I would simply 'ignore' the request. Or if a FB friendship took a turn that left me feeling uncomfortable, I'd remove them from my FB friend list.

Neither of those things has happened to me. So far, FB has been a positive experience for me. I was exchanging comments this AM with a HS friend (female) about winning the lottery or inheriting a lot of money from a rich relative. Just joking around. And I'd not spoken more than 20 words to this person since graduating HS 30 years ago. I have her email address but there's not been any interaction until a group of us joined FB.

And in high school? I used to date her brother. In the 4 months she's been my FB 'friend', I've not asked her, nor have I wanted to ask her, about her brother. But that's me--I know my boundaries. That's a great example of how it could be dangerous for someone with boundary issues.

>Boyfriend....sounds like a teenager not a educated man with years of experience in different career fields.

That's the bit that makes me smile and sing. I knew who you were talkin' about...I just like "boyfriend" better than Diplomat...sounds much more FUN!

And I like hearin' it from YOU cos YOU ARE THE BEES KNEES, DARLIN'!

>How do people find you in order to "friend" you?


They don't. If I know of someone on FB that I want to friend, I send the request...otherwise, only those near and dear are in my circle.

My FB friends total 51 (I just checked :))

There are four males, the rest are female friends.

1. My H
2. My 23 year old son (I am thinking of UN-friending him because of swine flu harrassment)
3. My DD's boyfriend
4. My H's sometimes employee who thinks of me as his mom


The females range from DD's girlfriends (DD will not "friend" me LOL) , Son's friends (he hates that LOL), co-workers (lots) , college friends, high school friends, and a handfull of MB women (who ROCK !).



Oh - and several relatives, cousins, nieces, sister etc.

This article makes it sound as if there was no adultery before FB. It's just another way WS's can get their fix - like the cell phone, IM's, or anything else. Cheaters cheat and they use the tools given to them to do so. Those 4 out of 10 would have found another way if they did not have FB.

>and a handfull of MB women (who ROCK !).


Yeah, well, yer pretty spankin' kewl, too!

LOL, Pep, my DD won't "friend" me either. She is appalled that I have a FB and have her friends on my friend list. She's REALLY peeved that I know how to tweet.

I enjoy the FB approach for being able to post pictures, write silly one-line notes to girlfriends, and keep up with family. I have a few colleagues that I've gotten to know better because of FB. I generally avoid friending non-relative males, and the couple of exceptions on my friend list I have absolutely no discussion with.

If you are open to cheating, FB is one of many tools readily available to anyone that can make cheating seem easier, more fun, and more exciting.

The medium is no more dangerous than a cell phone or email to a person who is not open to cheating.

I've decided which kind of person I want to be.

I think the point the lady was making was that this particular forum is more tied into your past (i.e. listing your schools and then creating a sub-database on that), and that the psychological aspect of running into someone from your 'golden days' rather than just anyone you meet online is a more dangerous combination - for those who are susceptible for affairs.

:crosseyedcrazy:

I will tell him you said so!!!

And again I disagree. Why Facebook over all others? Why not classmates.com? Why not Twitter? Why not MySpace? Why not a gazillion other social/viral networking sites out there?

I think this lady needs to do some more research and justify her numbers.

Boundaries ARE important. But all of us here know that people who have "good" boundaries can end up in an affair because they were able to establish a secret life, often without realizing they were doing so. That secret life enables the boundaries to gradually be moved.

Boundaries and transparency go hand in hand. If your FB, or whatever accounts you have, is not transparent to your spouse, then you DO have a poor boundary by even participating in that community.

I'd like to see those here with FB accounts discuss how they've made their accounts transparent to their spouses. I think that information would be very valuable to keeping marriages affair-proof.

My husband has my sign in and password. He has told me he could care less. Oh well, but he does have them.

Maybe this was sensationalism aimed at selling some magazine articles, getting a book deal, or upping her speaking fee.

OH,

He could care less.

BUT..

if he started noticing behaviors in you that made him uneasy, he might decide to snoop a bit. Because you furnished that information, he CAN see what you're up to if ever he felt the need or desire.

Transparency is about always keeping your life an open book to your spouse.

Whether they choose to glance in the book, scan the book, or read every word on every page is up to them.

Facebook is about making connections with people who have some sort of relationship (friend, relative, co-worker, classmate, etc). The other sites you mention are more about connecting with people who have similar interests (music, art, hobbies, etc). And classmates.com is a pay site. There's more likely to be some sort of pre-existing relationship with Facebook friends than on the other services.

That said, it's important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I have really enjoyed reconnecting on Facebook with friends that I've lost touch with. I can definitely see how that re-kindling of relationships could lead to affairs by those who are susceptable to that. But it doesn't mean everyone is susceptable. Like, it may be dangerous for an alcoholic to go into a bar, but that doesn't mean everyone who goes into a bar will become an alcoholic.

How many of us could have caught an EA before it developed into an EA if we had checked on an email account or online community account when we had the FIRST inkling that something was "weird"?

If our marriages had been transparent, many of us would have caught our spouse's affair when it was just "inappropriate behavior". Our spouses were able to move boundaries BECAUSE they had the ability to be secretive. Transparency removes the ability to be secretive.

Are you not susceptible because you have affair-proofed your marriage?

Same here.

Ok, so here is my problem:

I am completely willing to be 150% transparent and keep a FB account set to private so that no one can find me unless I find them first.

I am willing to have only women as "friends", unless it is a relative.

HOWEVER...I am afraid that if I get one, FWH will want one as well...and he has shown to have very poor boundaries.

Is it fair for me to have one but not "enthusiastically agree" to him having one?