What I think you should do:

- apologize totally and contritely to you wife to whom you have the greatest legal and moral obligation

- do some counseling with the Harleys to work on growing a healthy marriage. Read Surviving An Affair and follow it while encouraging your wife.

- do all you can to rebuild your marriage knowing that you are not the only one with a say in what happens. Realize that she is is the injured party in the situation....well, she and your child of the marriage are the injured parties.

- break it off with the ow. If she'd been a woman of ethics, she would have run away the moment she discovered you were married. And, if she'd been a woman of maturity, she would have used birth control. For that matter, so would you. How can people possibly think that, if they are going to cheat, there is no such thing as too much birth control? What were you....dropped on your head or something!

- remember that ow shouldn't be considered as frightened, scared, all alone...she is a grown up - or you need to be thrown in jail. She's a big girl...she made her bed......she can lay in it. She is a thief to take the husband of another woman.

- support the oc....or, maybe you'll get lucky and ow will place it for adoption. Have no contact w/ ow other than supporting and seeing the child.

- seek real spiritual healing.

btw, God wants you to honor your commitment made before Him. You knew that before you posted, didn't you?

The truth is Chad, God will never bless your R with this OW. You need to leave her and fully repent for your sin if you want to be right with God. That doesn't mean turning your back on the OC. Whatever that looks like, be it only financial support or by having legal visitation with the child you need to step completely away from this "relationship". Get your own place. Work on your issues. Prove to your BW that you truly are repentent. I personally would not take you back directly from the OW. You really need to figure why you did this and why you have this misdirected loyalty to the interloper in your marriage.

As a woman that had a child on her own at a young age, I will tell you the truth. She is playing you and you are allowing it. Women have children alone all the time. You, as a married man, have NO BUSINESS being involved in the pregnancy and birth. This is not for the OC but for the OW, the INTERLOPER in your marriage!!!!!!

Try this Chad. Go completely NC with the OW for 4 weeks. No phone calls, no emails, no text messages. You can set up an intermediary if an emergency happens, but otherwise complete NC. Take that time to pray and ask God for direction. Read the Bible, Chad. God hates divorce and God hates adultery. Your adulterous R will never be blessed by God. Can you live with that?

All this thinking about "but if my marriage is over" AND no mention of "but if my adultery is over"

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This is a very "telling" pattern of thought. Typical wayward thinking and not at all a "marriage recovery" train of thought. It tells the readers here on MB what you actually desire ... your marriage to be over. Because unless you are DIVORCED - your marriage is not OVER.

capiche?

Cameron_Chad.... I appreciate your willingness to come on the board and share your story. This is a horrible situation you have gotten yourself into. My responses are really only as they have related to my own personal situation.

First, it doesn't surprise me that your wife wanted you to come home and has now changed her mind or at least is waffling in that decision. Her whole world has been turned upside down by you and your decisions. I remember having the same emotions. One day i hated his entire existence and the next day/week/hour, I wanted to fight for my marriage. While you are moving forward with another relationship already, can you imagine how your wife must feel? What she is thinking? wow !

For me, I am now divorced from the man that caused so much pain and I can say it was the best thing I ever did. All circumstances are different but one thing about this board, the people on this board who have lived with the OC issue, speak from their hearts because this is a painful issue.

When I found out about his OC, the child was 18 months old. He was there for the birth although he didn't put himself on the birth certificate because the OW was married too (they were separated but legally married)...In Florida, the husband automatically goes on the birth certificate. However, she filed for child support through the department of revenue and they went after him. What I didn't know all that time was they were still in their relationship. They had family photos, he paid her out of our checking account (he always had a great reason for the funds being gone...so much I thought he might have had a gambling problem - haha). I found out nothing of this except when I read the OW's account of her side of the story. He met her family, bought diapers, etc. He told me one line of BS and she told the courts another.

I am honest in saying that I hated OW and the OC for probably a year or more (more likely more). It was after I divorced him and met my now husband (who is an OC) that I realized that God can work in everyone's lives if we let Him. My current husband was raised without a father because his 'sperm donor' had another family. I have seen what God has done in his life and how he has come to terms with his own birth and the circumstances. The OC issue is one part of the equation.

You need counseling on your own. You need to be on your own. You need some time to pray and ask for God's guidance. You need to be in christian therapy. You also need to pray for your wife. You need to apologize and ask for her forgiveness and expect nothing in return. You also should be in NC with the OW, period. I cannot tell you how stupid I felt when I believed my ex wasn't seeing the OW and to find out all the details was awful. I would really encourage you to stay away from her. If you can only see yourself with your wife, then you need to prove that. You said in the original post that since your wife left, you decided to move forth with the relationship with pregnant OW. I would assume that means sexual relations too. UGH!

I can't speak for anyone else's OW with OC, but mine didn't want any part of me. She would never speak to me, was clear that she wanted my ex-husband and herself to raise OC, that she wanted his child support and for him to also be the handy-man around her house. I was NO WHERE in her equation.

The problems you have caused will be around for a long time. Even without an OC (let's say the DNA doesn't prove you to be dad), there is still a backlash of emotions, trust, etc to deal with.

I still live in the same town with my ex and his other family. I recently had to pick up my step-son from day camp and guess who I ran in to..... OW and her now 8 year old son who looks exactly like my ex... My heart pounded and it was just a rush of old feelings even though we are divorced and OC isn't in my picture anymore. So, I can only imagine what your wife (who hasn't divorced you) would go through on a day to day basis.

I didn't divorce him due to OC...I divorced him because he continued that affair, porn, prostitutes and five other affairs between OC and when I left. Enough said about that!

Unfortunately, none of this has a quick resolve. Personally I will be praying for you and your wife. My heart goes out to her.

Beautiful post, angelia!

Cameron,

Your duty is to YOUR WIFE. She sounds like she is open to restoring your marriage and you SHOULD be "in awe of her love" for that. DO NOT THROW THAT AWAY!

Now, get off your a$$ and DO IT! End the affir with NC to the OW and reconcile with your wife!!! You can work out the arrangements about the OC as part of that...do NOT fence-sit and try to keep the OW in your life in any way. That will guarentee that your wife will never reconcile fully with you.

C_C~

Your M has no chance whatsoever as long as you have a back-up plan to be with OW. It's still the mindset of a cake eating cheater.


SD~

Thank you for standing up for the OC.

Follow FF's advice. I am a bs. I do not mean to offend, but I would ask you to re-read your original post. It is entitled what would God want you to do?

I do not know of your faith, whether it is Catholic, Muslim or Christian or otherwise, but I am not familiar with any religion in which it is considered doing right by a child by continuing in an adulterous relationship with a woman who has no respect for your religious beliefs or the institution of marriage anyway.

Break the contact with the adulteress, and get into counseling because you will not be able to see things clearly until you are out of the affair. The woman doesnt want you, she want the illusion of you.

My h has an alleged ONS, denied when I found the phone number, but confessed over a year later, then a couple of years later the woman came to allege her child was his and if only he would 'do right by the child' and come see the child in private in her home and not let me---his wife--know they she would never take him to court for cs. So, like you, he has some distorted belief about doing right by a child, and oh the second OC just happened. I didnt find out about these children until they were 15 & 9 and now they are 19 & 13.

Ask yourself what it is that you are really seeking, are you sincerely asking what God wants you to do, or are you asking hoping someone will support your current actions and say that you have done the right thing.

You havent. And because you might selfish choices, isnt an excuse or justification to continue to make them.

If this child is yours, you arent doing right by the child by continuing to sleep with the mother. Children NEED parents to parent them not bedmates for their parent of the opposite sex.

My perception of your post is that you have not fully accepted responsiblity for your actions,......the excuse that you continued in the adultery because you thought your wife wouldnt forgive you...that is a self serving cop out.

You and the adulteress are the only two people responsible for the adultery. Your wife is not. You need to do a deep self examination to identify what it was that you were unable to cope with or address in a healthy way.

Dont assume the OW was loyal to you and you were the only one she slept with and dont assume that in the light of day----when everything is exposed and you have lost your wife and divorced--that you will see the same person in her, you have only seen one side, just as she has only seen one side of you.

Think about it: you have had children with both women. Why not go back to the one you ARE MARRIED TO and made VOWS to?

One of the women will not be with you...one made a choice to marry you and be faithful, the other chose to get in a relationship with a married man or at least have unprotected sex with a man. Which one deserves your efforts?

Yes, you have children with both. But the 12 year old knows you are his father and knows you as Dad. The other child does not know you as father, if in fact you are his/her father. Why ditch your son?

You feel more obligated to a child you don't even know versus one you have been living with for 12 years?? We are talking about a baby. A child that CAN grow up being accustomed to living without a father preset in his home VS a very impressionable 12 year old who must feel emotionally devastated over your choices and the fallout thereafter. We are also talking about a woman who means nothing to you vs a wife you love? HELLO! If you couldn't remain true to a woman you loved, what chance in hell does a relationship have with a woman you feel indifferent to?
After all of your bs, you now question what GOD would want?

The best thing you could do is move on without either women! Don't you think you've hurt people enough? Or would you rather string more women along just to ultimately devastate them and your children again?
I can't even imagine how hurt your ex and developing child are at the current situation with this other tart. Awful. It's really obvious that you don't care much about either.