vst...I am so sorry you are having a hard time in PB. It does take some time to get into the groove of it and to actually feel BETTER.

I would call the OWsH and simply tell him that you have filed for D...so that HE can be aware that your H is now a "free man". Then let HIM decide what to do from there...it is no longer your problem.

(((hugs)))

I agree w/MarriedForever.
He (OWH) needs to know that hubby can skank around if he wishes too since you filed for D.

Don't focus on the WS. Focus on you. YOU and the kids. Somebody once here (if you're that person take the props..and thanks!)told me that during plan B, don't forget to plan A YOURSELF! Take care of you.

Trust me, when they get exactly what they've been pushing for, the WS might JUUUUST not like what is their reality. Give them what they want! Let him have it! That's the best revenge right now. Meanwhile, you have a lovely home, looks homey and wonderful from the street when he drives by like just some other person driving down the street. He will know in that house resides his children, a gorgeous SOON TO BE SINGLE woman, and one with a heart of gold who's willing to walk thru fire for those she loves. Dang suddenly that's attractive!

Heck. During one of my xh's "separations" from his new affair wifey, he tried to ask ME out! So lemme tell you...you're going to be suddenly more attractive to him (aka the "stranger", not your H)now that he can't make all the calls..he's a stranger now! Treat him like one and don't worry at all. I lived this stuff..too wierd to just make it up!

Thanks MF & Peachy,
Right now my IM's and myself have decided that I will not contact him as #1 is does no good 'cause he has no spine #2 WH will know that I'm meddling in his crap again. I want him to think that I am done with it!

He did hire a lawyer for himself. I was thinking today about why I sometimes wondered if doing this Plan B is good overall. My fear is that it makes the outcome worse because it makes him so very angry. That maybe he will fight me legally where he might not have otherwise. Or that he's so angry he just wants to get it over with and end it.

How long might it take before he can start to look at HIS actions instead of what he thinks I did to him? This entire time he has discounted his actions as a symptom of our marriage problems. That the REAL problem is us.

When will he begin to realize that he needs to look at HIMSELF?

Note to WH: It's a change of heart that you need, not a change of circumstances.

I guess this is why they say that Plan B is for the BS-to help them. Your WH may never "get it". Removing yourself from his drama gives you time to work on you and your healing.

Some of them realize on DDay
Some of them realize when exposed
Some of them never realize, even after D'd.

No one has commented on this yet. I'm still wondering.....

Only time will tell. His actions are out of your control.

If you base your future actions on your fear of his anger ... welcome to a room of eggshells to walk over for the rest of your life.

I need some help here. Plan B got broken within a week. He was furious. After that I had to make a decision to either go back into PB or just go ahead with Plan D. I decided on Plan D. He was spewing the same crap as before and after looking at the history of our marriage I came to that decision.

Now he is begging me to still wait and give it some more time. Why rush it? He says. Something could change - meaning he could change his mind. He says now that instead of feeling just nuetral about me he is now feeling negative because of the exposure. He is totally pissed about that and says that things at work are so bad with gossip that he needs to let that calm down and things settle down before he can think clearly about our marriage.

So, he is living on the boat, hanging out with a drinking crowd that includes the woman I found him in bed with a few weeks ago. He swears he wasn't going to DO anything that he was being a little flirty, blah blah blah. It's obvious she is willing to sleep with him. And we know he has no boundaries.

So my question to you is this: What is REALLY going on? Why is he still hanging on to me but seems to really be unconvinced that he wants the marriage? My well respected advisor and IM said it's another excuse for not being willing to change. Another delay so that he can keep doing what he wants...indulging his fleshly desires. So why won't he just let me go? It's hard because I had hope for us, I really did and I made the decision to let go and move on and he doesn't want to let go! He is playing with my feelings and it's abuse!

And just thinking about him being with that woman and all the while telling me he isn't doing anything with her and keeping me hanging on (same story during the previous A)is DRIVING ME CRAZY. I'm at a breaking point here. He wants me to go ahead and live my life while he lives down there doing whatever it is he is doing (pretty sure what that is) but leave the door cracked in case he changes his mind. I can't live that way! I can't get the image of him with her out of my head!! Is he still lying to me and expecting me to hang around? Or is he truly capable of suddendly having boundaries and spending his time alone contemplating his life?

Someone please tell me how to deal with this? Why won't he f-ing stop this and DO something about this marriage or let me go?

Can someone recommend a good book for "letting go" and divorcing?

Your IM is right. He is doing this because he can. I don't know of a good book about getting to D. I think everyone has their own "line in the sand" and that is different for each person. Where is your "line in the sand?"

I don't know......I feel so broken and bruised. Sometimes I feel really strong like I CAN move on and put him behind me but then I flip right back to letting him make me think maybe there is a chance. I mean, he's a CHEATER AND A LIER, why am I doing this to myself?? I know one reason is because I really want this family to stay together! I want my marriage to be what it could be! But I'm having trouble accepting the fact that he probably isn't capable of doing any of this.

VST, you have got to change two things:

1. Quit listening to his words and start listening to his actions.
2. Figure out what your boundaries are, write them down, and be true to them. Quit trying to decide what to do based on HIM. You have to decide what to do based on YOU.


You see how contradictory his words are? "Please wait for me, I'm feeling worse than neutral" -- does that make ANY sense at all?

My own thinking is that you should be in Plan B. You can always divorce later. Let him wallow in his indecision and angst. Eventually either he'll be ready to reconcile, and he'll be doing all kinds of ACTIONS to prove that to you, or he won't and you'll be ready to move on from a position of strength and confidence.

Right now you're breaking Plan B and considering rushing the D because you want a break from his insanity. That's the wrong reason to D. That's what Plan B is for.

And one week in Plan B is not even enough time for him to experience life without you in it.

How?

How did Plan B get broken?

He called me from another phone and since it didn't show his name I picked up. I didn't hang up like I should have......

Did you buy the 'wasn't going to DO anything"?

You found him in bed with a woman.

They did "DO" something.

Don't fall for this line of crap.

He doesn't want a divorce because he wants a "wife" and his mistresses, concubines...whatever he wants to call them.

As long as he has a "wife" no one can up and change the rules by wanting "marriage" from him.

YOU are his safety net from the wiles of these shameless women...my goodness, you need to stay married to him in order to PROTECT him.

Something has got to give.

committed

My XH never did level with me or let me go or do anything honorable. He wanted to cake eat and use me as long as I let him. Do you get that part? Let me repeat it in case you missed it...AS LONG AS I LET HIM. Okay, that said, now it's time for YOU to take the reins...it's not up to him what to do now, it's up to you. As was said by another poster, it's up to you to establish your boundaries and enforce them. You decide what you will and won't put up with. It's not healthy to stay in this abuse too long.

I don't see how to go back to PB now. I mean we've already had long conversations about "us". They went nowhere but we've talked. I would imagine that he would be so pissed that he would push the D himself. But there I am being afraid of his anger. I feel very lost and powerless.

The only way to enforce any boundaries is to divorce him! He won't stop his behavior! I say, please don't hang around with those people, he said "they are my friend, I am not involved with that woman, I am not doing anything wrong". It's like a vicious circle with no ending. Me saying don't do this and what are you going to do and him saying I'm not doing anything and I need time.....If I said I was going to push the D, he would say ok then just do it.