Hi L4,

How are you doing? Seems like you are having a bit of a rough time.

Just a couple of observations:

1) I think that your H offered to stay with friends at the Olympics. That seems like POJA type negotiation and thinking from his side. You seem like the one holding onto her position this time. It might be a good time to go back and discuss this compromise.

2) I really think Mr L4 should consider some sort of help with detecting an lies. He seems to be bad at this and I really think it would help him build some confidence that he will not be blindsided again.

Best wishes,

Gabe

Hey, no reply necessary, just stoppin' in to say hi.
I don't know how you function the next day being up so late, I was a mess on Saturday.

hope you're doing okay.

Right now my H is IM-ing me from his office 20-feet away that he's giving up on us. That he can't "do this" any more.

I can't believe this is happening.

Hi L4,

I only have a few minutes so I cannot give detailed advice, and I know others will so do soon. I just want to say that you should not panic. You should take take H's words seriously as meaning that he feels at rock bottom just now, and you should help him with this, but do not take this as his final word.

I have said these words a few dozen times to my H, and I imagine that your other friends here have said it too. BSs mean it when we say it but we do not always go through with giving up. Be very loving (as you have been doing) and let your H know that you are still fighting for the marriage.

Do NO say anything like "well, if that's what you want" or anything else that shows that you are indifferent. That's what my H often did, and it is the WRONG ANSWER.

Do NOT try to make him feel bad by saying "what about the kids?", either.

My heart goes out to you. I hope to read here later and see that things have calmed down.

Big hugs.

L4

SC is right. Don't panic. Reassure him that you're in this for as long as it takes and that you're willing to do whatever it takes. Recovery is exhausting. Sometiemes the BS just feels so tired of it all and wants out at that point. That's normal. He may feel completely differently tomorrow.

I hope you two can talk this through.

L4, just wanted to send a hug and prayers your way. (((L4)))

L4:


Did you notice THIS:

He "can't do this anymore"
And you "can't believe that this is happening"

He couldn't believe it that you could have your A. (Flamingo expected me to do it....)

He may, or may not be able to continue. So be it.

Two weekends ago, Flamingo had a major meltdown. We agreed to go away for a weekend, and after we made those plans, it was determined that the High School Prom was that weekend, and DS16 was going to take his DGF18 who is a senior to it.

This created great conflict in Flamingo. Her family committment need was blown up.

So, we drive up Friday night. We enter the event, and before any really gets thier coats off, the other participants are asking why she "didn't do this, or do that" Ouch.

The bedroom and the bed? No A/C, and covered in a plastic mattress cover. No sleep for Flamingo.

The next morning, Prom day, she climbs out of bed after exchanging some sharp words with me. She is reaching her limit....

Her cell phone rings, and its a call from DS Godmother who is watching him for the weekend, and her son is going to travel him about for the prom, something about a "change in plans" for the prom that night, but she thinks something else is up.

She takes a walk for a little while. Then she comes back to the house, picks me up, and we travel to go get some things for Breakfast. Try to call DS on his cellphone. No joy.

Its our job this weekend to cook breakfast for the 11 people, (including us) in the cabin. We have a nice drive. When we get back, someone else has already started cooking *some* breakfast. Prepares for her the worlds WORST eggs.

I made pancakes....

This entire time, her blood pressure is going through the roof....

At 10 am, we start to walk down to the meeting place, and see the other couples, and Slamingo doesn't want to go in.... So we turn around and walk back the other way.

Now we are at a big campground, and we walk up a hill, in a light rain, that looks out over the campground. She finally explodes.

"It's all my (LG's) fault, LG wanted to come here, and we are NOT at home for DS. You had an affair and destoyed everything. I'm not sure if I could ever continue in this horrible existence." Etc, etc. She just started to spew."

After some time of this, I finally said what somebody posted earlier NOT TO DO. I said that the door is NOT LOCKED on this M. Anytime you want to go, you don't have to stay trapped like this any longer. MY A gave you everything you needed to get out of this M, I love you, and I want you terribly, but if it is THAT BAD, then you can go and find the happiness that being with me so eludes you. I want you to be happy. My role is to NOT make you UNHAPPY, and if I am doing so, then I do not want that. Being HERE now, is making you unhappy, and staying HERE will only make it worse.

So, we should leave HERE now, and go home. Its where you want to be. Its where we should have been.

So, we went back to the cabin, packed our stuff, and left.

Even after 3 1/2 years. It can come back. The wounds are that deep. Even if they expected the wounds. Carry on. And don't panic.

Your less than a year into this. Your doing great. Stay with it. Your husband is within all the noted cycles of recovery timeframes.

LG

L4, I've said 'I can't do this anymore' quite a few times, the last being yesterday.
In my mind it wasn't that I couldn't do the M, well yes some of it, but mostly it was
I can't do this pain anymore.
It's gone today but I'm sure it will be back. I can tell you it was triggered by a foolish conversation where I heard fog talk. It also could have been the fly that landed on my toast.
Say the things that SC mentioned and more of I love you, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry. I need to hear those things at those moments. H has said the phrases to give me an out, 'well maybe we should be apart', that hurt more, I really didn't want to hear those things. When I want out, it will be me to decide and I will say it. Those kind of words also made me feel like H didn't want to try hard enough, didn't want me again.

Like what's been said ..... don't panic, don't assume he wants out of the M. Until you have D papers in your hands, you keep doing what you are doing.

From reading all this time, it seems like H is showing more emotion/hurt, I can't help but think that this will help him to heal if he has been bottling this up for this long.
Many of us are as far as we are because of this board and effort, he's been on his own.
I feel so much for his pain, as do so many others here.

Keep us posted.
Take care (((((L4)))))

{{{{L4}}}}

Hang on in there L4.

Wishing you the best, L4.

- Sh0cked

L4,

You've been told repeatedly that BSs are cut to the core by their WS's A. While 6 months or a yr seems like a long time, in the life of a BS it's not because we can't escape the pain or the thoughts that pop into our head even when we have gone over it a million times already. BH wants relief and is tired of feeling like he does. You are tired too, but he did nothing to bring this on.

The best you can do is be there for him. Will it be enough? I don't know but don't make him feel more expendable than he already does. You owe him that.

Hugs to you.

Ah, the ANGER phase...

BTDT...

One step closer to ACCEPTANCE.

Mark

I am so upset about the last 5 months being lost.

So much wisdom.

So much support.

So much that I used to refer to, that I learned from, that kept me going...

50 pages of smart, caring, butt-kicking brilliance...

Gone.

I can't believe it.

I really hope they can find them again.

In the meantime, life goes on...

((((L4))))

Thanks, Chrysalis. It's odd how opening this thread and landing back at May 19 threw me back to that horrible time and my stomach did a few churns. I've done a bit of healing in recent months and have gotten a bit stronger but for a few moments I was back in May -- when H was going to leave me, when he was so angry and hurt. And I was scared and defeated. I don't want to -- and can't -- go backward.

L4, what a gift to be able to see progress after such a hard time back then. I am sorry about the stomach lurch, but so happy you are not in that bad place any more.

L4,
You'll be fine!


You've really come a long way!

Yep!

Hi ya L4,

It is a shame you have lost all that wisdom, it was a treasure for MB to have that on file so to speak, but its ok, newer and better stuff to come. No matter what your still an inspiration to many

Muah!