It's okay, L4. I can remember most of what I've said. So, all the wisdom is still available .

Hmmmm... is this a good thing? Just kidding, Zelmo.

I'm overwhelmed at the thought of recalling all that I've struggled with and learned over the last 5 months. I don't know where I'd begin to catch up any newcomers, so I'm not going to. For those of you who have traveled this road with me who know the highs, lows, little victories, disappointments, nuances, and characteristics that have played into this journey -- I hope you'll stick around.

H and I are doing fine. We've had a few conversations that I have been badly itching to share with you because I want objective feedback. However, we've had some hard hitting things the last two weeks with our dog being hit by a car then having a setback yesterday, some scary health concerns with my mom, and H having minor surgery. My worries about my M need to wait until we get through some of these big things.

Did I mention that our D-day anniversary is this coming Monday?

Jim, you posted something the day before things were lost about me needing to be available to H. You said I need to work to let him know I want him and that I should pursue him. An example you gave, I believe, had something to do with stars and a sleeping bag.

That's not a problem for me. I can count on 2 fingers the times that I have denied H SF over the last year -- and those were when I was sick and/or exhausted. It is me who is initiating SF and affection often and on a varied basis. I have been turned down by H many many more times that he has been by me. I love being intimate and sexy with my husband. He, however, doesn't feel the same way about me -- at least not as passionately. I know this because of a conversation we had almost two weeks ago.

More on that conversation another time as I'm too tired now and must sleep.

E, I remember you posting something very well-thought as well just before the corruption -- about what I should and should not tolerate from H. I don't remember it verbatim, but it meant something to me and I thank you.

I hope everyone is doing well.

L4 ..... big hugs to you.
I've been thinking of you a lot.
I'm sorry that things are not great in your life right now, in all
aspects anyway.
Remember, you have come along way, and please be soooo proud of yourself for that.
Please don't underestimate your strength, you have travelled a rocky
path, and you are surviving!

I can't believe it is all lost. I'm really still in shock about it.

L4, I'm glad that something I wrote touched you. I only post on a very, very few threads... mainly because those are the most where I feel the strongest and feel I can help the most... but I put a lot of thought and effort into them. I can't believe they're all gone. And all the posts from all the people posting to you and Ivetz... so many others that I've read and even though they weren't to me, they touched me... solidified my resolve...

All gone.

Its incredible-- and so disappointing. When I read that I almost didn't come back. I feel like a "newbie" all over again, even though I'm not. Thankfully my sign in still worked.

In other news... just wanted to share (and I'm not sure where to since I don't even HAVE a single thread anymore)... that my H announced out of the blue the other day that our M is the best it has ever been. And then said all he had to do was decide to move on-- and once he made that decision it was easy from there (I honestly felt like smacking my forehead and saying "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR 2 YEARS!", but I didn't, obviously-- and I stopped saying it over a year ago... I couldn't teach him....). He had to come to that conclusion on his own. I just had to be strong and wait for it to happen. He's been loving, attentive, fun... we've been doing great. You'll get there L4. I can see it in babysteps with you.

And.. what happened to your dog?! I briefly saw that today- I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if that happened before or after the site went down... I'm so sorry. *hugs*

E.

Hey folks. Turning to you because I know I can.

My mother called and my 77-year-old father was in a car accident in Montana -- returning from pheasant hunting in North Dakota. He's in a hospital, going through tests and cat-scans and x-rays. My mother was able to talk with him (good sign) though he was obviously drugged, she said.

We're waiting for a call with the results.

If you could float a prayer in the direction of Miles City, MT, for my Dad, that'd be swell.

Thank you.

praying for your dad, and family

*hugs*

Ditto!

Double Ditto.

Let us know if we can do anything for you.

Thank you very much.

He's in ICU with a fractured pelvis, fractured 2nd vertebra, contusion on a lung, and a small blood spot on the outside of his brain. Doctor says mentally he's in good shape. Mom and Sister have spoken to him, though he was pretty out of it.

There just happened to be a trooper across the highway who was managing another accident caused by the same icy bridge. When he got to my dad, my dad wasn't breathing. The trooper pounded on his chest to get air into him. God was watching over my father because if you've ever driven through Montana, seeing a trooper is a very rare thing. Having one across the road after you've rolled your vehicle several times is beyond believable.

We'll know more in the next 24-hours -- the full extent of injuries, if he can be moved closer to home, prognosis...

My dad is our family's rock. A very strong man mentally and physically. I'm confident he'll recover just fine. But I still humbly ask for any prayers you might be able to offer.

Take care.

Triple ditto with the prayers and hugs L4.
There is no 'hug' or 'praying' thingy anymore, so you will just have to take my word for it.

Update us when you can, L4.

L4, I just saw this, hugs and prayers for your dad and you.

Thank you so much for your prayers for my father.

My sisters got to the hospital in Montana to see Dad late Saturday night. Today they were able to meet with the sheriff who was on the scene when the accident happened (still can't believe that), check out Dad's truck (totaled) to retrieve his belongings, and visit where it happened. They say it's amazing how well he's doing after seeing all of the destruction.

Dad has a cracked c-2 vertebrae which requires a neck brace, a crack in his pelvis in a place that can heal imperfectly and not be a problem. He has a subdural hematoma (a little blood on the brain) that has been looked at by the neurologist and will heal with time. His lung contusion and many bruises keep him from moving too quickly, but he is moving.

The doctor said that Dad needs to be able to get in and out of bed and walk around with a walker before he can be released. He apparently did some of that Saturday and then more of that today. This morning he was moved out of ICU and into a regular room.

We're hoping he can fly home Monday, with one of my sisters accompanying him. We want to get him back here but of course only after the doctor says it's okay.

Dad's physical and mental strength have served him very well, getting through this far better and faster then even all of the professionals ever imagined. I also credit the immediate response we were so lucky to have him receive and the many prayers.

Thank you very much for your prayers.

October 7, H went to look for Dog in the backyard. She wasn't there. H figured she jumped the fence. He went down the lane to look for her. As he returned to the house, he saw her curled up in a ball under a bush in our front yard. She had cuts and scrapes and a broken tooth. She couldn't walk and H thought she was going to die at any moment.

We took care of her and after 5 days, she was moving okay and after a week, her sparkle was back. Two weeks to the day after the accident, the right side of her face started swelling and she developed a big sack of fluid in her lower jaw. Vet pulled some fluid and it was clear, so she's on anti-inflammatory medicine and antibiotics. The swelling has gone down so hopefully we stopped the possible infection.

Wonderful news about your dad, here's to a fast healing.

I hope your dog gets better too, I hadnt realised about the secondary complications

Lots of prayers and hugs for you. Much more than a coincidence that there was a trooper there.

ST

L4

I am caught up

So sorry to hear about your dog and your dad . I am glad they are both recovering right now. I know how hard the pet stuff can be!!!

thank you for giving me a new thread. I had a big bright smile when i logged in and saw it

missed ya - now i can harass you with all sorts of advice needs! jk! lol

Hope your dad continues to improve. L4.
WTF happened to your dog? Where did she get those types of injuries?

Sorry to hear about your dad, dog and other family issues as of late. Prayers and hugs to you. Take care of yourself as well.

I was angry with H much of the weekend. We've been tense. Friday afternoon he was so helpful about my dad and he was there for me. Just wonderful. But from Friday night through Sunday, I was disappointed in H. In myself as well.

I've tried to talk with H about what I want and how I'm feeling, but somehow what I ask for gets turned around and I feel bad or become scared of the fight I feel coming on, so I back down.

And my resentment is growing

I cried myself to sleep Friday and Saturday night. (H has been sleeping in another room due to his restless post-op nights. He had surgery on a deviated septum a week ago.) My kids are asking me what's wrong. There is so much stress and emotion going on I'm certain I'm not thinking clearly. I�m trying to be sensitive to H's post-op condition and the fact that today is D-day.

H and I have had some really good times. Some great times, in fact. When we�re on, there is no one else in the world. But when the bad times have presented them self, they�ve been heart-breaking and all too familiar. I started writing up some examples here, but there are too many � most just H and me but some involving the kids too.

Saturday afternoon if I was told I had to choose H as he is for the rest of my life or I had to leave, I would have walked away. Things were such a mess and I was so distressed I called JT. She talked me down and provided great advice. (Thank you, my friend.)

Emotions are high with the accidents and health problems, H not feeling well, and his job stress, and because of D-day I'm sitting back as best I can. This chaotic time isn't providing the best atmosphere to make good decisions so I'm trying to deal with only the biggest fires for now.

But I will soon have to address our M and whether or not H wants to work on it with a professional. I hate to admit it, but I believe I'm nearing Conflict � and considering what I need to do to bring my H back to Intimacy, this isn�t a good thing. I'm trying to push my feelings aside and I'm letting things go so I can try to make sincere L$ deposits but I�m needing more back from him. I know some things have to change. I also know that I still love him. Maybe that's why this is all so hard.

I�m tired of feeling good then feeling small. Pretending all is fine because H is being nice again then feeling second-rate. Getting along then being LB-ed.

I�ve been sick today and H has been nice, though he can�t get near me since his post-op meds weaken his immune system. If he's remembered it�s D-day, he�s either hiding it well or doesn�t care. I really don�t think he remembers. And I�m not going to remind him. (Unless I�m supposed to???)

I�ve been thinking throughout the day that I shouldn�t post this as I want to offer hope to newbie LOVECOmmitment. So much was lost when those 5 months of posts were corrupted � so much growing and learning -- and without knowing what has happened since May, this could look dismal. But LC, if you�re reading, know that no matter what happens, I do not regret telling my H. I regret my lies and not telling him sooner then I did, but I do not regret being completely open and honest with him. Because of it, I'm in a better place in my own recovery. It would have been impossible to fully invest in trying to repair our broken M without H knowing the full truth. It also was necessary if I was to regain my sanity and any sense of self-worth.

I remain prayerful and hopeful. I do not mean this to be a post of 'woe-is-me' but one of reality about what�s going on, in my opinion. I�m being more diligent in my journaling (since I can�t count on MB to be my diary anymore!) and I�m doing my best to write of the good as well as the bad and to reflect as objectively as I can.

I�m taking deep breaths.