Amazing observation, that...

Who are you and what did you do with the guy who registered on March 5th?

Mark

I forgot to add my agreement with those of you who pointed out that my friend is being a bit selfish in asking me to be her support in this particular situation considering my personal history -- I thought maybe it was wrong of me to feel that way, and I'm glad to see that some of you do, as well.....and yes, I do think it is the 'fogspeak' that is causing her to see nothing but her own needs at this point.

It's worth losing a friend to save a marriage.

I believe it's irresponsible of you to NOT tell her H...if he doesn't know and doesn't know how unhappy she is, it WILL happen again...and next time it will go further.

Or if she tells him and you can verify that he knows, that's fine too. Either way, he DESERVES to know.

Pur yourself in his position...what if you found out that someone KNEW your H had contemplated his A and did not tell you????

Sorry for the 2X4 but this is how I see it...

I agree he deserves to know, too, and I have told my friend she needs to tell her husband. That he deserves to know what danger their marriage is really in -- I told her that I wouldn't be surprised that he suspects something is wrong already, as I did when my FWH was in the midst of his EA. As a matter of fact, I reminded my friend that I confided in her at that very time, telling her that something was "wrong" with my H. And she told me I had to talk to him about it. So now the shoe is sort of on the other foot....

And I have been in her H's position when it comes to mutual 'friends' whom my husband confided in who kept his 'secret' - and I can say from first-hand experience that those friendships are forever changed for me. So I have thought about that alot, and though I have not yet felt that I should expose my friend's EA to her husband at this time, I have counseled her to STOP STOP STOP, whereas the friend my husband confided in just told him to "be careful." Unbelievable....were these 'friends' also not the parents of my son's very best friend, I would not have continued the relationship.

I think you are trying to avoid being the "bad guy" here and are splitting hairs to convince yourself that you don't have to expose to her H. You've told a wayward to stop and of course she will, right?

Well, at this point, she has stopped and her intention is to work on her marriage. But she sees so much lacking in her marriage, and I have tried to point out to her that she cannot expect the same kind of passion and excitement in her 20 plus year marriage that she got from her EA, and she needs to realize that. That she is making all kinds of unrealistic comparisons.

While I agree that she is making unrealistic comparisons, I disgree that her M can't have the same sort of passion and excitement in it. It all comes down to both spouses making the effort. Nothing will improve if her H doesn't understand the real risks he is facing. Is your friend going to admit that she'd cheat on him if he doesn't do X, Y, and Z to meet her half way? I doubt it. The man may never realize just how bad the situation is until it's too late.

HopefulBS,

Be a true friend to her...be a friend to her marriage...TELL HER HUSBAND...Stop making excuses, and do the right thing...Don't be a moral coward...

Mrs. W

I will talk to her and re-emphasize that she MUST find a way to tell her husband, and if she does not, I will have to tell him myself. You are all right, it is the right thing to do. But I also think I need to give her some time to have this discussion with him, to pick the right time and place. I'm not talking a matter of months here, but I do think giving her a week or two to talk to him, try and set up an appointment to see a marriage counselor where perhaps the EA can be revealed with the MC's assistance, would be preferable than me just dropping the bomb....frankly, there is a risk here that her husband, who has quite an ego and is already in a bad place when it comes to self-confidence (unemployed for over 6 months from a very high paying, high prestige position), may decide to walk from this relationship once he learns what is going on in her head. It could be just one more insult he just can't handle right now. And though they are married over 20 years, they have no children, and for many couples, it's the lover for our children who inspire us to work our problems out.

She sounds like a terrible friend. No true friend would put something like that on you after what you have been through.

It's going to be MUCH WORSE when he finds out she had a full-blown AFFAIR.

My bet is that she hasn't ended the EA, she has just told you that in order to continue unabated.

TELL HER HUSBAND. It's the right thing to do. You can even direct him here to get help.

Gosh, the more I read here the more I realize what a real mess this is....My initial thoughts before coming here were that my friend just needed to mainain NC and commit herself to working on her marriage. But I now realize she has some serious issues she needs to work on, and they can't be properly dealt with until everything is out in the open. I do believe the EA is over, at least for now, but not because she wants it to be. Why? It is because the OM has suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, and I am starting to realize that she may have confessed to me not because she wants help saving her marriage, but because she is going through serious withdrawal from the OM and needs someone to talk to, to "keep busy" as she says, to keep her mind off of "things." What I know about this situation is that this is a man she met on a business trip about 3 years ago, was very attracted to, they exchanged some emails that were clearly leading up to something. She confessed to me at that time that she had met someone on a trip that she was attracted to, and she was scared about where this might lead. Though this conversation occurred before my husband's EA, my advice then was the same as now. Forget about him -- this is wrong. Then very shortly after that conversation, my friend was very very serioulsy injured in a car accident, almost lost her life. It took over a year for her to recover. Her husband stood by her through all of this, and she told me many many times how the accident brought them so much closer together. Then out of the blue, this man from her past finds her on Facebook, and contacts her. And he has married since she last spoke to him! What a scum. Yet she falls for all of his flattery again. I just can't believe it. And I told her so, told her that he is just using her, that this man (I refused to ask her what his name was, or anything about him -- I don't want to humanize him in any way) is 'not a good man.' She said she knows, she's so messed up, etc. etc. etc. I think she just wants someone to tell her that in spite of what she's doing, she's not a bad person. Yet her actions of late show that she is unconcerned with how her selfish actions could very possibly destroy her marriage, unconcerned about how her need to spill her secret has opened old wounds of mine. It's all so classic, isn't it? I think I am very much sure now of what I need to do in this situation.
Thank you everyone -- I will keep you posted.