I found out about my husbands affair August 2008. He left his phone at home and I found text messages to her. I confronted him and then I think I surprised him by saying that I didn't want him to leave the marriage. We went to counseling for a few weeks, and then he dropped the bomb that he wanted a divorce. He told our girls, then 13 and 15. But he wouldn't move out. My mom was out of town for an extended period of time, so I moved the girls over to her house. This made him furious. Said he should have a say in decisions about his daughers.( imagine that!!! told him I should have a say too, and he had already made the decision.) In October he came crawling back, telling me he love me and wanted to be with his family. I believed him and let him move back in. When he talked to the girls a few days later he told them that he was only taking things a day at a time, so I asked him to move out again.

While he was away, I found out that he had been with another woman at the same time. So that makes 3 of us at once. We had just started counseling again, and I told him I coudn't trust him while he was living outside the house, so he moved back in. Shortly after, we moved in to a new home. One that was originally intended for me and the girls. He moved with us. I was still dealing with my roller coaster of course, which he was finding very hard to deal with. On top of everything, in December, he lost his job. But things were going well, or so I thought. We went to Vegas for a job interview for him. He got the job, and we had what I thought was a wonderful time.

I'm still having my dips. Money is still very tight. We have to borrow money from his parents to eat and pay bills. We almost lose both houses. During this time, I feel like he is becoming more distant and non-commital. He swears he has no contact with OW. I feel like I am going crazy.

It is now June. Girls and I are planning on going away for about a week. Right before we leave I tell him that I need a commitment to work on our marriage. I tell him that if he decides to leave he should take the time we are gone to move out. I also tell him not to contact me unless there is an emergency. The trip is great, but stressful. I don't know if I am going to have a husband to come home to. 3 days before we are to come home, I get a text that the IRS has siezed our accounts, and that my car has been reposessed. I call him crying. He has always been bad with money, and made some bad choices about spending when we got the loans from his parents. It was completely unnecessary to lose the car. He cries and cries. Says he will be here when I get back, and he doesn't want to lose me. When we get home, ther is another car in the driveway for me that his parents had helped him purchase. He cries that he is so sorry for everything he has put me through, and he won't hurt me any more.

Things seem to be going good for awhile. He even tells friends that things are going well, and tells my mom that he will never leave again.

Fast forward a few months. It is August again, ironic huh? While opening the computer, I find that he hasn't signed out and see more emails to her from the day before. I confront him when he gets home from the store and kick him out. When the girls get home from church, I tell then everything. Oldest says that she had already figured it out. Youngest is devasted. He stays with his parents over night. I call him in the middle of the night because I find a secret email account he set up for her. He cries and cries, says he is sorry. Wants to come home. I get an email the next morning listing all of the reason he loves me.

We have a good month. We are doing devotionals together, going on dates. The girls seem to be reovering. Then I see our cell phone bill and find out that he has called her one more time. He says it was to say goodbye, but it was an hour long converstion. He falls in to deep depression. Maybe it was not good timing on my part, but I asked him again for a decision. He decides to move out. He tells me that he thinks if he leaves, she will see him again. He moves out 10/9. Girls and I go out of town on their school break. We go to a friends cabin. The experience is horrible for all of us. Too much isolation, too much time to think. No cell phone coverage. We cut our trip short and head home. Youngest cries all the way home. As soon as we get in to cell phone range I discover that he has been trying to get ahold of us.

He comes over to talk that evening. Girls are at church. He tells me he loves me wants to be married to me and grow old together. I ask him if he called her. He said yes. She told him it was over AGAIN. There are too many reasons why it would never work. She lives very far away from us, is married, and has kids. I have been in contact with her since I found out about the second round of communication. She tells me she can not live with the guilt of breaking up a family, and won't see him again. I know I can't trust that. I think she will tell herself that she is not to blame for the break-up of my marriage. But I know it wouldn't work anyway. She is too far away. She will not move her kids, and my husband won't leave his kids or his business. My husband still refuses to see the logic in this.

So here I sit. I have had several dates with my husband. But I sense he is back to his lets wait and see how things go attitude. So I told him this morning that I was ready to move forward with my life, with or without him. I told him the girls could not go through this again, if he decides to change his mind again. He seems to be a prisoner of his emotions. I don't feel he has made the decision to move on from the OW. I refuse to let him do this to us again. I do believe that marriage should be forever. I am willing to forgive, but he has done so much more damage just by his back and forth. I can't take it anymore, and I know the girls can't. They do not want to have anything to do with him at this point. I also told him I could not take them losing respect for me by allowing him back in, even if only to date, just to have him change his mind AGAIN. they would also lose ALL respect for him. I think it would do irreversable damage to their attitude towards him as well as their relationship, although he doesn't see that. He has already told youngest theat he wants to come back if I will allow it. But this morning told me that he is still up in the air. Is the back and forth normal? How can he continue to play this game with me and kids? Did I make a huge mistake by insisting that he make a decision? I read Dr. Harley's thought on separation and only using it as a last resort, because separation often ends in divorce. I do not want that. I am afraid now that I am pushing him towards it.

Please someone help. I just don't know what to even think anymore. Should I just be happy that he wants to take things a day at a time with no commitment? It has been such a long year. I am so tired. I don't sleep. I thought we were working on our marriage for the last year, only to find out that he was still emailing her. No physical contact though. Without knowing it, I guess I stepped up to plan B yesterday, although I am very afraid that I did this too soon. I have told myself no contact. I have asked the girls to have minimal contact. Which is more than ok with them, because they don't even want to see him at this point. They see my pain,although I try to hide it as much as I can, and know he has caused it. One minute he is professing love to me, the next he is luke warm and not making promises. What is normal?

ClayGirl, I am not the best at giving you advice, but I will try.
Your H is like a drunk now. How can you believe a word he says? Especially cuz every day he says a different thing.
If he wants to work on the M he needs to be willing to write a NC letter to OW where he states that they will not see eachother, email eachother or call eachother NO contact in any other form.
Then he needs to agree to MB or other form of MC. Then he can move back in, let's say when he has done MC for 2-3 months and shown commitment to R and M.
This is what I would expect from a H that has caused you pain, cheated and lied to you constantly. And he is still doing it.
blessing

Claygal:

They call it a rollercoaster for a reason.

But the hills and valleys don't get better until the affair is over. And in your case, the affair hasn't stopped yet.

You state that you have been in contact with the OW. Have you spoken to HER Husband? If you haven't, you might be surprised when you DO have that conversation.

Understand that your husband is suffering from an addictive state. The drug is the feelings of the A. ANd he will continue to sneak as many "hits" on that as he can get. Its not unusual for the affairee to try and continue contact, using whatever means that they feel will not allow discovery by you. Contact may end that you may see, but you need to be viligant, and watch what is happeneing, and other sources as well.

If your WH is truly committed to ending his A, you will know, soon enough. Otherwise, he is cake-eating, and hoping always to have the "one on the side".

I pulled up my "Curtains for LG" thread, describing the days just before D-Day and right after. And how MB saved our marriage after my 4.5 year long A.

There is hope. But you need to be realistic in what you are working with. And that assessment can come as you learn more about MB. Your WH may fail that assessment, and if he does, then divorce may be the right thing for you.

Continue reading here. Read about Emotional Needs, and surviving infidelity. Order the books, Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs, right from the website. After some of this reading and understanding, you will know more about yourself, and your WH. And the decisions that you make going forward will make alot more sense, and you will feel much stronger about them.

Sorry you have to be here.

LG

Thank you, I will suggest this if he comes back. Right now I am not sure that he will. I have already told him that MC is a condition for moving back home

She has not even exposed to the OW's H in all this time, y'all. She has not used her most powerful weapon against the affair.

claygal, you should call her husband today and tell him about the affair. Call him TODAY. You have made a huge strategic mistake by not telling him. She has no intention of ending her marriage and exposing to her H would have put pressure on her long ago to dump your H.

Exposure to the OW H is the most powerful weapon you have against the affair and you have not even used that tool.

_________________________

Clay:

You posted this on my thread:


First, stop worrying about "what my husband will DO".

You have no control over that, Only yourself. MB is about PLANS. There is a plan you can follow that can help YOU. If your WH participates, then you have a good shot. If he remains an idiot, then it doesn't matter. You plan will carry you to recovery.

Second. Call the OW H and let him in on the secret. You will surprised at how having two sets of eyes looking at the problem helps.

LG

Yes. You have need to stop worrying about what he will do and trying to find ways to control the outcome.

MB plans, if read and studied over and over again (I just keep reading to make sure I am on plan), following them the best you can (they ARE empowering for the betrayed spouse, no two ways about it) and focusing on being the best you is the way to go.

Plan A while you may and Plan B when you feel it is time (I knew the moment it was) and know that when you do the plans, having a supplement to do them (either an anti-D or in my case sam-E from the over the counter section) helps a bit. It helps regulate your moods so you can think clearly.

Yes. Call the OWH and tell him.

My Wayward H's OW's legally separated H has been my best exposure even though their marriage is on the way to divorce (and was prior to exposure). It created the biggest waves but the best results in spoiling their fantasy bubble.

The reason I haven't told OWH is because of the status of her marriage. According to her and my Husband he lives a totally separate life, fulfills none of her needs, and is completely emotionally unavailable. My instinct tells me that it would end her marriage, and only push she and my husband together instead of apart. I just had this discussion with my husband. Told him I was thinking about calling. He was of course very upset, and is coming over in 3 hours to talk.

Oh!

You must not talk about it with your H!

No!

It allows him to preempt the exposure.

Do not believe any thing your H says about the other marriage.

My exposure to the OW's H is going to create huge waves of emotion (major threats from your H.....normal!)

Read the procedures for exposure and script a wayward will do/say after (not pleasant but must be weathered by you calmly).

Do not discuss with your H. No. NO! It is tempting to discuss everything with the man you have always told everything to. He is not to be trusted over this right now though.

Now, expose before H comes over OR cancel the talk.

He and his OW are probably working out a plan to counter act the exposure right now!

Still, you must expose to the man AND let him know your H and his W may try to say things to negate it since you warned them you were doing it. Let him know you are ernest in your communication with him.

claygirl, you have probably just thrown away the most potent tool you have against the affair by telling your H. Forewarned is forearmed. Now your H and the OW have an opportunity to pre-empt you by telling the OW H that you are "some nutjob who imagines that her H is having an affair with every woman he sees." So when you call, you will have been discredited.

Your H is upset because he knows this will RUIN his affair. This is why you need to call TODAY and inform the OWH about the affair. Hopefull you can do this before the OW pre-empts you.

All of the things you were told about the marriage are lies.

Please pick up the phone NOW, and disguise your # using *67 and call her house and ask for the OW H.

PLEASE STOP SABATOGING YOUR MARRIAGE.

claygal, why would you believe what your WH and OW are telling you about the OWH???? They are liars and will tell you anything to keep you off their backs. I lived this myself and believed it for a while only to prolong the A and causing more suffering for me. Stop talking to your WH about this. Do what you have to do to stop the A which begins with calling the OWH. Stop looking to your WH for help with this!! Do not tell him what you're going to do!! Believe me this is only hurting you and they are more than willing to continue to hurt you! Your WH is addicted and will not do what is in your best interest. Find your inner strength and get to work!

Stop talking to him about your M right now! Plan A!! Read up on it!!

Well when he comes over in 3 hours to try to manipulate you into NOT calling OWH it SHOULD BE TOO LATE.

Call OWH now...BEFORE he comes over.

They have been lying and manipulating you. You said:

"According to her and my Husband he lives a totally separate life, fulfills none of her needs, and is completely emotionally unavailable."

Whereas the truth is:

SHE lives a totally separate life, fulfills none of HIS needs and is completely emotionally unavailable to her husband"

SHE IS THE ONE THAT'S BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR.

SHE IS THE PROBLEM IN THEIR MARRAIGE.

Truth is her marriage is much more likely to end (and thus, her become more available to your husband) should you KEEP THEIR DIRTY SECRET. Marriages END over secrets. The truth will not hurt her marriage...her actions did and will continue to do so UNTIL the truth is out there. With the truth...they can then choose to recover or not. Without the truth...there is no recovery.

Call OWH right now. Then when you husband comes over later you just say you alread did it. He'll be angry as all heck...but your marriage can survive his anger. It can not survive an never ending affair (your story is a testament to that). By the way, once the cat's out of the bag he can yell and scream all he wants and you COULD actually be mildly apologetic a bit to calm him down. As in just saying "opps...my bad". Once the truth is out...it's out. The gaslighting will end.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - It's the right thing to do. Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing. YOU will feel so much better about YOU when you do the right thing. YOU MATTER TOO.

I finally exposed after waiting in fear. My WH was mad as h@ll but it was the right thing and the best thing to do. Do not fear his anger...I did and I absolutely regret it and see now how foolish that was. You have to take the wheel here. Your WH will not do the right thing right now. He just won't. You have to!

and

DO

NOT

FOREWARN

HIM

AGAIN.


All that does is warn them the exposure is forthcoming and give them a chance to:

1. Further manipulate and gaslight you
2. Allow them to potentially preempt your exposure by warning OWH that some crazy lady is about to call him OR find a way to make contacting him impossible. They will be on guard and better able to twart the impact of exposure.
3. Every time you threaten...then your husband has an excuse to call OW again to warn her...prolonging contact between them.


Don't threaten...just do it.

BTW...even Dr. Harley admits there is a chance that exposure will split up their marriage and bring the affairee's closer. It IS a risk...but something has to change in your situation...doesn't it? This limbo you and your daughters are enduring has to end someday....one way or another.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Also...your daughters will RESPECT you doing the right thing and finally taking proactive action.

What it usually does, though, is kills the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins the fantasy. Dr Harley calls exposure "THE BEGINNING OF RECOVERY."

The OW has no intention of leaving her H for your H, she has already made that clear. Rather, exposure will hasten the death of a dying affair.

Claygirl

WH and OW will say anything to protect their affair. You can not count on them to say anything truthful about the OWH.

So go and tell the OWH.

I am not going to tell OWH right now. Maybe it is because today I am feeling like I am done. Husband came over to talk to girls last night. Youngest is now a total wreck again. I can't stand to see her hurt. Texted husband saying... daughter is more upset than ever. Wonder if your sister, friend and OW brother and friend, and anyone who encouraged this understands the hurt and destrction this has caused. Maybe I should tell them. Husband immediately came over and accused it of being my fault for telling girls. That they didn't need to know. That I am constantly throwing everything in his face, which I am not, and it makes him not want to come back. youngest told him she never wants him to come back. Do waywards usually, or ever get over BS's telling the kids? Mine keeps throwing it in my face, replacing blame?

Why would you believe a WORD two waywards say?

They lie!

They cheat!

Stop listening to them and expose to BOTH OW's families. AND your H's family. AND yours.

Then insist on complete transparency from him, take away his phone and computer access, and put a GPS on his car. If he doesn't like it, then you know what to do.

This is all complete hogwash. He is MANIPULATING you so he can keep doing whatever he wants.

Grow a pair, for your daughters' sakes, and do the right thing.

Sit down - right now - and call every person you can contact who will hold him and both OW accountable for the devastation they have wreaked.

If you give in and let him do this, what are you teaching your daughters? You are teaching them to be adulterers. Please be strong for them.