OH, and btw, if YOU were the spouse of this woman, would you want to know your wife was cheating on you?

Call him for HIS sake, if for nothing else. It doesn't matter if you are done or not. Telling OWH is the right thing to do. Teach your kids that.

Yes, waywards get over the anger of exposure.

My sister NS posted to you on the "Recovery" board. She was also afraid to expose. With the help of the board, she exposed to several key people, including their daughter. Her WH was so angry that I was starting to wonder if he would get over it (even tho I have been posting and reading here for 2 yrs) but he did. The A ended and they have made so much progress in a short time.

Claygal, you can turn this all around. You need to follow a Plan A, starting with exposure. It sounds like you are "threatening" your WS with exposure and expecting him to defog. It doesn't work that way.

The worst mistake we BS make is taking cues from our wayward spouses and then reacting to them....trying to reason with them. That's the beauty of the MB, it gives you a PLAN to follow so that you don't end up in the cycle it sounds like you have been in for a while now.

Get your exposure plan together ASAP. The folks here will help you. Good luck.

You are making the same mistakes I made in the beginning. In retrospect I should have followed the advice given here RIGHT AWAY instead of being paralyzed with fear. Stop listening to your WH! Get to work and expose. Do not worry about his anger! Yes he will be angry but if you sit back and do nothing your M has no chance and nothing will change. It has a chance if you expose!

I know you feel like "you're done" right now, that is only because this seems like too big of a problem to overcome and you feel helpless and trapped. Don't give up! Fight for your M!

I have mostly been a lurker for the past 2 years; usually I don�t feel like I have a whole lot to add that the vets haven�t already covered. This time, for some reason or another, I just can�t sit by.

As a BS I get so frustrated watching other BS�s take crumbs from their marriages. Set a boundary Claygal, and then STICK TO IT. You�ve allowed your WH to not have to choose, because you fear losing him. The fact is, you ALREADY have! Right now, you have NO marriage!

You can ACT and possibly regain your marriage and the H you used to know, or you can keep being wishy-washy.

Your kids� hurt is a natural byproduct of affairs, and they, along with OW�S BH, deserve to know the truth about their lives. It is your WH�s fault for causing the hurt and pain, it is your job to support them through their own rollercoaster of emotions.

My C was very hurt as well, and still talks about our situation (2 years later), we have utilized it as a learning tool, while keeping it age appropriate: reinforcing morality, and personal and marital boundaries. I hope and pray he learns the valuable lesson his father�s adultery has brought to our family. What kind of a parent would I be if I/we hadn�t used our horrible situation to REINFORCE/TEACH these lessons?!

Your child and your WH will determine their own relationship in the future, whether they heal or not. It is not your job to determine their relationship.


WH�s who earn the �Former� status, WILL get over you telling the children. He�s angry with you because he does not want to face the pain his actions are creating for his family. It�s easier to be angry than to look into one�s horrible actions/behaviours.

Practice saying �It was not my decision for you to have an affair, and I refuse to lie to our children; they would not be hurt and upset, if you weren�t having an affair.�

TELL THE OW�S BH TODAY!
YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE HIS ANGER, IT CANNOT SURVIVE AN ACTIVE AFFAIR!

You are making a huge mistake and we can't help you if you won't stop hiding this affair for the adulterers. If you won't help yourself, neither will I.

I'd also like to add that a portion of your kids' hurt is also due to your inability to set a boundary and keep it.

QUIT ALLOWING THE FENCE SITTING!

Bottlerocket, you should speak up more often. You have valuable input! That was right on.

I know it's hard to think clearly now. You have a lot going on. But first and foremost you have to think of yourself and your girls. That means stopping the A and getting him defogged. Which means the best way to do this is EXPOSE.

Like SusieQ says, I exposed to my D, and everyone else. H was very angry and raged for days. He tried to gaslight everyone. He confused my D, so that she sympathized with OW and actually thought that I must be wrong about him having an A. But when the A stopped, and he became more and more defogged, he calmed down and now tells me he's actually glad that I did what I did. D is okay now and sees that I was right all along.

Right now your WH will say and do anything. You have to NOT listen to it. If he's angry, offer him some soda or chips, and walk away. You cannot reason or negotiate with him. Don't bother.

Please, expose to everyone. Remain calm and be nonchalant with your H. Do Plan A until it's time for Plan B. You'll continue to feel all kinds of emotions, but the beauty of having a plan is that you are following a script, in a way, which will help you enormously, as it did me.

Also, you will have to become somewhat of a broken record when your H blames you for telling the D's or other people - you will have to calmly tell him over and over again, "your actions caused this". Oh, and then walk away, or ignore further texts. Don't keep talking/discussing it. Let it seep into his mind and marinate there.

Good luck...

T/J

Thanks VST. It scares me to give input, because these are not just stories, but people's LIVES, and I do not want to be *that person* who messes up by giving the wrong advice.

There's that, and that I finally feel like I'm healed to a point where I just might be able to help others; I've been helped here, so very much, and I'd like to pay it back.

Your feedback is very appreciated! Thank you!

End T/J



Claygal, Melodylane's input is invaluable. Please don't lose it!

claygal, do you want help or not? You've said you are done about 5 other times too and yet you weren't. Again, do you want the help or do you want more drama that you are helping create?

Yes!

I did!

And, yes, while my A was active I used it as a way to blame my wife.

This was the EASIEST thing to get over once I became remorseful for all the damage I had created.

Don't believe a word your WH says about the state of his AP's marriage. Call the OWH today. NOW. You'll wish you had long ago. Your WH's A doesn't deserve the respect you're giving it. And it WON'T push him to his AP. Don't act in fear, doing so is ENABLING THE AFFAIR.

I am in the process of trying to contact OWH. Tried home phone once. No answer. Did not leave message for her to hear.

I don't know that my husband will get over it. He is being extemely self centered. Only sees how things are affecting him. Not as concerned about his daughters hurts. Only that they hate him

claygal, call tonight and disguise your # using *67 so the OW doesn't see your caller ID. If you cant get through, then you can either a) drive there and knock on the door or b) send him a certified letter that only he can sign for.

What do you plan on telling him when you get through?

By their very nature, affairs are selfish, so his self-centeredness is to be expected. Once he comes out of the fog, he'll be ashamed of his behaviour and treatment of his daughters.

So, the fact that they "hate him" is hitting a sore spot with your WH, that's good! I think that means that not ALL of him is being selfish. They're getting to him! Of course they're going to "hate him", he's destroying their family!

This was posted by TST, a FWH, on another thread, just today.


"Ya'all can argue points about what experts "think".

But I lived through the REAL DEAL.

My wife exposed to our then 6yr old, 8 yr old, 10 yr old, 13 yr old, and 17yr old children.

It was the best thing she could have done to protect our children and also help end the Affair.

These kids, especially the youngest ones, hammered me with cutting questions.

Like; Daddy, why do you have a girlfrien when you are married to mommy!

or, Daddy, did you know that God hates divorce!

or, Daddy, I thought you said you would never leave us or get divorced. Is it OK to lie about things like this Daddy!

or, Mommy said she is fighting for your marriage, why arn't you fighting too!

The list of questions were exhausting, and they were honest and right from the heart of my 6 yr old. He knew the truth, and it was one of the few things that cut through the fog and kept me awake at night, even when I was at my worse.

My children helped battle the affair too and are part of the recovery process as well. SMB, exposed out of love and refused to withhold truth from our kids during a time that every word out of my mouth was a lie/half truth. Our kids needed a lighthouse of truth and my wife refused to let them down.

I only wish I had never let any of them down as well!

Experts can debate all they want, but it doesn't take the place of living it as we did! Exposure saved our marriage, our family and my life!

I thank my wife everyday for being honest with our kids!
And so do our Kids!"

thanks for the advise Melody. They live half way across the country. Part of why my husband thinking that this would ever work is ridiculous. I am trying to get ahold of him through email. Doing some more research tonight to see if I can find a work phone for him.

Another thing you can do is have someone in another state send the OM a certified letter that he has to personally sign for. I would also keep trying to call using *67 to disguise your #. Keep trying, claygal!

Certified letter is a good idea. I'm afraid if I keep calling, OW will become suspicious. And give the idea I'm a stalker or something

Are you disguising your # when you call?

If you send him a letter, make sure that no one else can sign for it and that it comes from someone in another state. Can you do that? I would send him your evidence along with your name and contact #. It really would be easier and much more efficient if you could just get him on the phone can tell him. That way you don't risk the OW intercepting your mail.