I am beyond confused right now!!! Please help!

I'm 23, H is 22.
We have 2 kids ages 1 and 2.
H has been in the Army for 2 years.
We are from CA, and got stationed in TX.
When we first got to TX, H found out he would be deploying to Iraq for a year. He started acting different as soon as he found out: partying, drinking, spending money like there's no tomorrow.
I decided to go home to my family right before he deployed because I was pregnant and didnt want to be alone. H had an A soon after I left, but he said it was a one nighter and he was drunk so after a while I forgave him.
2 months before he deployed, he told me he had another one nighter. I was furious and said I wouldnt forgive him again. He continued seeing her until he deployed.
Once he deployed, I gave birth, and he started calling me all the time from Iraq. Eveyone convinced me he was reaching out to me, and soon after that he told me he needed me back. I told him I was willing to try but he had to call the OW and tell her he couldn't cntact her. He did.
He came home on leave and we did the needs questionnaires, which was a big eye opener for both of us. We realized we both did eachother wrong even though I wasn't the one who had an A. We continued our relationship and I waited faithfully for him the whole time he was deployed.
He came home after the deployment in April and everything was perfect. "Honeymoon period", I guess you could call it. There were some things I noticed that were different about him, like how quickly he could become aggravated, having mood swings, drinking... I figured it was him being affected by the war.
He had to go back to TX on May 1st. Ever since he has been there, he is very distant with me, and barely called. His lack of communication made me extremely insecure and I have been struggling with anxiety. I told him how I felt but he remained distant.
A couple nights ago we were talking about our move to HI that is supposed to happen next month. We disagreed on something and he blew up on me and hung up. I texted him asking why he got so mad and he said he doesnt know about his life anymore and that he thinks he wants to be single. I told him I couldnt handle anymore stress from him because I feel like I'm going crazy with the way he is so wishy-washy about wanting to be with me. We agreed we both need to stop talking for a while and clear our heads. I told him I still love him and want to work on our M, but the only way I can do it is if we get marriage counselling. He refused and started talking about divorce. I made an appointment with a therapist for next week for myself.
I was ready to just try to get over him, but now everyone around me keeps telling me not to give up yet, and that he probably has PTSD, and I should move with him to HI anyways because maybe he'll come around.
But I am afraid he wont so I dont want to move with him anymore and end up just being "roommates". That will be too hard for me. I still love him though for some reason...
His best friend in the Army is having the same situation with his wife, only it's worse. He actually went as far as kicking his wife and baby out of his house!
I talked to his wife today and she said that her husband wont talk to her or answer her phone calls. She said she went out dancing last night and saw my husband and her husband at the club together, and that they were dancing with other girls.
I am so hurt. I dont understand how these guys can go from "happy and in love" to shutting us out completely.
So I guess what I want to know is... do I say enough is enough, get over him and move on? or do I hold onto my love for him and see if he "comes around"? I feel like I am going crazy with all of this and I am afraid to ever trust him again.

Were the other women in the military? Can you report him? He is still wayward and needs to be exposed. I would also protect/separate your finances so you can protect your children. Only you can decide whether to stay and fight for your marriage or get a divorce. If you want to stay, you need to read up on plan A.

no, my friend said they were just some random women at the club and they were just dancing.
i dont know what to do, and neither does she. she said her husband hasnt talked to her in weeks. my H will talk to me but i have nothing to say to him right now.
i feel like i love him and want to work on this, but at the same time i know i deserve better. i dont deserve to be cheated on. i've already exposed everything to all his friends and family and to mine as well.
would you stay after 2 A's and then being treated this way after you waited for your H for a whole year?

You both got married very young and have not been married for very long. Military life is a hard road. He will have many deployments and you will be alone more than you are together for much of your marriage. He will keep company with others that are in the same situation. The divorce rate for military couples is extremely high for this reason. Adultery is pretty common too. You do deserve better. You deserve to be married to the man that you love. You deserve to have a faithful husband and a stable father for your children. Can you husband be this man? Is he mature enough? Can you report him to his superiors for counseling? I would expose to his friends and family and ask for help if you want to remain married. Go to plan A but consult base legal council as well. You didn't deserve to be betrayed! If you want to try to save your marriage, do it because you deserve it not him. He deserves to be divorced. He deserves to pay child support.

ArmyWife,

I am so sorry to hear this. I am a navy officer and have been thru the same thing you are going thru now.

I am sorry but war is tough, but it is not an excuse to cheat. It sounds to me more like he is just immature.

You have a lot of options as a military wife. No one, I repeat NO ONE outranks a military WIFE! Especially one that has been cheated on and is being abandoned. He has no idea what he could be in for.

Get to the Chaplain first and talk this over. Sounds like you need a friendly ear. He will prob be a captain or major and can help you. He may send you to legal.

His CO will not be happy either, if he/she is a good CO.

Talk to the Chaplain first, make use of DOD resources, they are there to help you.

As an example, when my WW was in her sane days I was deployed overseas and there was a problem with my pay. I hadn't been paid in more than 2 months. My wife was desperate. She packed up my 4 year old daughter and one year old son in the car and went to the military base. She didn't know much about the military even though I was in, but she just found the first building she could find and found a guy with a lot of gold on his shoulders.

She had my D's hand in hers and my son on her hip and she proceeded to hand a Navy O-6 his rear end. She bit him up one side and then another. She sat and waited in his office while he got on the phone and frantically started making calls sweat running down his brow (I was a Ltjg at the time, like a 1st LT) and he didn't stop till he fixed everything.

Money started falling from the sky.

People are there to help you, take advantage of it.

Have you sought the good soldier here? Mortarman is awesome.
This site is so wonderful, full of great support and advice.

I agree you both married very young, but you're both parents and the kids deserve to not have their parents divorce without a fight...wishing you all the best. MB addresses what to do and I'd ask what to do next..

Are you familiar w/plan A and plan B? Ask for help.. there are so many wise ones here who will be happy to help you.

I am one (an old timer MB'er) whose M didn't survive..but God had a plan..and I am so happy I worked the MB plan. I learned this was not ABOUT me. It was all about the negative choices and actions my xh chose. I worked and did all I could do. My son is 10 now and loves me with all his heart and knows his mommy did all she could do.

Moved forward onward, and two yrs ago met the most wonderful man..and we're getting married either at the end of this year or next year (my preference actually). We both value family and fidelity and love MB!

Either outcome you will be better..stronger..and love with a ferocity you couldn't imagine! I think going thru this made me the best mom I could be..I'm a "mother bear" and dammit NOTHING comes between or could hurt my cub! I stand up for what is right, don't do the easy thing and am not afraid of that!!! MB helped me become who I am today..and I like that woman.

You're the mother bear now. Guard your cubs. And learn all you can here. God bless you and also your WH too.

I talked to my husband (retired Marine) about your situation and he agrees that the chaplain is a good place to start. Your husband is breaking the military code of conduct by cheating and abandoning you.

thank you all... i think i'm going to make the call...

i'm still deciding if i want to try and stick around or let him go. but i was just wondering, if i do try and stick around, what would plan A look like for me and my situation? there is no OW right now, just H being weird... i've already exposed everything about the past and present to everyone, and i'm going to call the chaplain tomorrow.
i'm going to talk to a therapist on tuesday and see if that helps me make a decision. i keep going back and forth between loving and hating H.
he texted me "happy mother's day" twice today, but i didnt respond. i cant bring myself to talk to him today. i dont know when i will be able to.
plan A???

AW,

You have been getting the same advice from everyone. Call the Chaplain and getting the military resources involved. That goes for your friend as well. The military requires Soldiers to support their families and does not allow them to just throw family members out with no support.

As far as Plan A, I don't think it is really possible to Plan A when you are in two different locations. One of the fundamentals of plan A is to spend time together doing things that you both like to do. In my case, this involved many plane trips back and forth from where DS and I were living to where H was stationed. Travelling was difficult and expensive, but I looked at it as the best investment for our M.

I know your circumstances are different and you are in a hold status until your H is re-assigned. I hope you find a way to work this out. If not, it is certainly understandable if you end up deciding to D. But I also think you don't have to be in a huge hurry to decide what you really want.

How much influence do you think your H's friend (the one who tossed his wife out) has on your H?

Best wishes.

AM

its kind of funny armymama that u mentioned "how much influence his friend has on him". i was just thinking about that today, that what if he's doing this to me because he wants to act like he's single with his friend. this guy is his best friend and he look up to him like an older brother. they were roomates during the whole tour in iraq. this is so weird.
so in plan A you have to spend time doing things you both like? when H was home for the whole month of april we spent every day together and we even took a vacation to vegas. i also flew out to TX for a week in march to spend with him. we had such a great time and H said he was happy when he was home.
i dont understand how these huys can go from being so happy to being so distant. it makes no sense to me.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be more fun than the bar buddy friend. I married my husband after he was already retired from the USMC. He was married previously and had two small children during his first long deployment (1st Gulf War). He said that when he came home, his wife didn't need him anymore and his daughter (2 or 3 years old) asked him if he was her daddy. She had been a daddy' girl before he left. He said it broke his heart how easily his family had learned to live without him. He said that he felt like an outsider for the rest of that marriage (17 years). He said he never regained the closeness after the first deployment. There were many other deployments after that first one and he just said that he was always an outsider. He said that when he tried to lead his family or discipline his children, his previous wife would shut him down. Do you think that your husband may feel that way also?

If you decide to D, will you be able to look back knowing you did everything you could to save this marriage?

If not, then you need to:
Call the Chaplain
Be in Plan A
Move to HI with your husband

ArmyWife, Please read SWW's advice and follow verbatim!

I also suggest DO NOT move to Hawaii "If at all" until YOU feel comfortable. I spent three years in HI, saw the horror stories too many times. Being a young mother in Hawaii without any family support near by will only make thing drastically more difficult. If he continues to act this why what will you do on a far away island? Stay with, or close to your family support.

Your H is being immature. He's married, but still wants the life of a single 20 something he seeing his fellow soldiers living.

PTSD is real, but not a "get out of responsibility free card".

-JKT

wellll....
i have not yet called the chaplain. i am trying to work myself up to it...
stillstanding2~ i know H felt a bit shut out by our daughter. she was always a daddy's girl, but everytime he leaves and comes back she goes through a period of time where she pushes him away and when he disciplines she says "daddy's mean, i dont like him." our son just turned one and has only spent a month and a half of his life in H's presence, so he doesn't really have a bond with him.
turtlehead~ if i decide to D, i dont know that i've done everything i could to save the marriage. i've given H more chances than i ever thought i would. i tried as hard as i could to make H happy, and he said he was happy. i know there are things about myself i need to work on and that's why i'm going to see a therapist tomorrow. we havnt tried marriage counselling but H seems unwilling to try it.
justkeeptrying~ i agree... but i also dont think our M will work if i dont go to HI.

my friend said our husbands came by her new apartment last night. it was the frst time she's talked to her H ina few weeks. She said they were riding their motorcycles with no helmets and they were telling her that us women are too clingy and that they need their space. they also were talking about doing something crazy to try to get out of the army early. she said my H mentioned the fact that he texted me "happy mother's day" and was bothered that i didnt text back.
if H calls me should i talk to him, and if do what should me attitude be? i want to be mad at him and cuss him out, lol. but i guess that wont make it any better. should i be nice, or neutral, should i tell him wht i'm feeling, or act like he doesnt get to me?

AW,

You are kinda all over the place, which is understandable i guess, but you need to take a breath and get a plan.

I guess you have read up on the carrot and stick of plan A?

Go talk to the Chaplain first, if you ask him to keep things jsut between the two of you he will respect confidentiality provided there is no physical abuse, law-breaking etc.

Your husband sounds very immature and wants to party now.

I honestly don't know about going to HI, maybe the Chaplain can advise you better, but JKT has a very good point about the remoteness. Once you are there, you're kinda there...

SWW

I went to my first counseling session on Tuesday and it felt great to get things off my chest. I am finally working on ME and I'm excited. The counselor is also going to help me figure out what to do about my husband.
H has his mind made up that he wants to be single.
I am broken hearted but at the same time a bit relieved because I am to the point where I dont want to accept the emotional abuse and the As anymore, and I want to make some positive changes in my life, like going back to school.
I talked to my H about counseling, told him how much I liked it, how my anxiety attacks are not so bad anymore. I told him he should try it too, and he said he'd look into it.
A couple days later he called to talk to our daughter, but I think he was really trying to check up on my whereabouts because our daughter wasnt home and he kept asking me things about what I've been doing. He also said he was at his friend's ranch (the one who also "broke up" with his wife at the same time and in the same way as my H) petting horses, and that he took a motocycle driving course. I didnt ask him anything, so I guess he just felt like sharing...
Tonight, I called H to let him know the bank account is overdrawn (because of him!) and not to use it until the next check goes through. He said OK. He asked why I was having an attitde with him, and I said I wasnt, I was just tired. He said yes I was having an attitude and started yelling at me. I told him I wasnt, but I had every right to if I wanted. He REALLY yelled at me then! He said his family thinks he is a di*k because of the way he's acting, and all I said was "yeah". Then he REALLY flipped out! He started threatening to stop giving me money and try to take the kids from me. I didnt say any more, just waited for him to quit yelling and then said "bye" and hung up.
I dont understand why he got SO mad. I dont know where this is all coming from! I am completely baffled by his mood swings and I realized I DEFINITELY dont know him anymore. He never used to treat me this way. I could hear his "best friend" talking in the background, and I dont know if that had anything do do with his attitude towards me.
I cried after we hung up. I was having a great day until I talked to him. I miss the old H and a small part of me never wants to talk to this "new" H again.

Sigh,

Yep, we have pretty much all been the recipient of this kind of whipsaw combination of polite one second rage the next. Get ready for all the awful stuff he is going to make up about you.

Good job on the counselor.

Now, you need to see Legal to make sure he cannot cut you and your daughter off financially. All he would have to do is go into the DOD MyPay system and change the routing info on his direct deposit to a new bank acct and change his password.

SWW

Going to another counseling session today!
Talked to H again and he was in a much better mood...
He said he wont cut off our money and I told him he better not or I'd call his CO.
I dont know how to feel. I love him and miss him, but I also feel like I should try to get over him. Who wants to keep getting hurt over and over? Not me!
Small part of me wants to be there for him though because I've always heard that the homecoming/re-integration is harder than the deployment itself. I never thought it would be this hard.
I dont know if I want to deal with him though. Hopefully the counselor helps me decide.

Today my therapist asked me a bunch of questions about my H's behavior. I told her about his mood swings and angry outbursts, and how he freaked out when we went to the airport (because of all the people and suit cases). She asked about what I knew about the deployment and I told her some of the stories I heard from H and his buddies. I told her about them beating up little kids and shooting up a whole neighborhood if just one person shot at them. About his friend that got sniped, and his other friend that lost both legs and an arm....
She thinks he has PTSD and that the reason why he wants to move to Hawaii without us is because he probably doesn't trust himself not to hurt me or the kids. He feels a very close bond with his buddies and feels the need to be around them all the time. She thinks they make him feel secure.
I told her about his "best friend" and how he wouldnt hold his baby and how he kicked his wife and baby out of their house. She said he probably feels that not touching the baby is the only way to keep her safe.
She said that I am in love with the H that left to Iraq a year ago. She said that he may never be his old self again. She said he has a chance to recover if he seeks help, but he hasn't.
H says splitting up is what he feels is best. How sad.....