D Day TODAY

My WH, my best friend (?), my business partner, my true love of 17 years, just admitted to a 6 week affair with the mother of our young son's best friend (they are 6 yo). OW is/was my friend too. Our families spent a lot of time together because of our kids. We wouldn't likely have been friends without the kid connection but I did like her.

In retrospect I can see she's been throwing herself at MY H for months now, and he finally succumbed, but it never ever occurred to me this could happen, until I saw an exchange of text messages on his phone.

BH admitted it immediately, made some noise about how he has broken the rules (he's Catholic) and thinks this maybe has to be the end of us, how could I ever trust him again. And before OW for months he only saw darkness and now he sees light. But after a long emotional discussion, he agreed to end it with her on the condition that I don't tell her BH so it won't ruin her marriage too -- and how is it not already ruined? I ask. But that's OW's problem, not mine.

I guess my first question is DO I TELL HER I KNOW AND THAT THIS IS NOT OKAY WITH ME for the sake of both our families? And do I really make that list of people to tell? Like his siblings, all 6 of whom love me, my family (who will likely hate him), and our close friends, all of whom would be as shocked as I am. We've always been considered the happy, hilarious, fun, spontaneous, interesting, wonderful couple. Fell in love fast back in 1992 and it really stuck. Or that's the lore.

BH would be very ashamed for this news to get out, whereas I sort of want to tell everyone whom I think would pressure him to truly end the affair. Part of Plan A, right?

In wanting to disclose (carefully), is it too soon for me to do this? I'm weeping off and on all day, and I'm furious, and I'm thinking of the flattering advances made by potential OM to me over the years, NONE OF WHICH I EVER ACTED ON because my marriage meant to much to me. But I thought in even finding other men attractive, I was betraying him emotionally (even if just for a few days of declining near advances.) And I thought he would never do this to me. Never.

So am I coming from a place of anger and vengeance and wanting to shame him? Or am I getting my head around Plan A and truly just trying to shatter their tawdry fantasy life of lunchtime sex at motels. He has no FT day job, an artist who teaches parttime. OW's got a low level corporate job that apparently has a helluva lot of freedom and no responsibility. Right now he's an a**hole, but he's my a**hole and I still love him and I truly want to go back to the days when we were happy together and madly in love. We've been thru so much and we have so many friends who would be stunned, stunned by this turn of events. I said Hillary forgave Bill for a lot, and I'm as strong as Hillary and he is my Bill. (corny? but true.)

I just want to wake up and have this not be happening, but it's real. I'm living a cliche.

As for background, BH and I had some ups and downs especially in the past 5 years, his once highly lucrative work dried up, we moved across country in 2005 on something of a whim (his) and initially the move was a disaster for a number of reasons. I was deeply depressed for much of 2007, as never before, actually in bed for much of 6 months. I'm now fully treated and recovered, highly functional, but BH has never forgiven me for that horrible year despite my gratitude for sticking by me during the darkest time in my life. And despite the fact that since then I've been our sole source of financial support. My friends who helped me out of that dark time said he was angry then and he still is.

I'm now very happy at a demanding job and madly in love with our brilliant child, and I love BH but probably haven't shown him as much as I should. Though to be fair, he's never been adequately affectionate to me and that's a deficit that I've been dealing with since the beginning. BH earns only about $6K per year now - prior years have been better but last 5 have been bad. So that's something he's very unhappy about that is NOT MY FAULT as I've been extraordinarily supportive of him pursuing his creative work even if the money almost never comes now. I work fulltime to support us, and like every working mother of young children I know, I feel behind at work, I feel lacking in my mothering, and I feel like my romantic relationship takes a back seat to the kid and the job, and the sex life declines. And so here I am.

I'm getting us a counseling appointment, he has agreed to this, as long as I don't "hold this over him and make him feel guilty for the next 35 years".

SO CAN I CALL THE OW (my ex friend) AND TELL HER IT'S UNACCEPTABLE FOR IT TO CONTINUE, AND IF SHE DOESN'T TELL HER HUSBAND, I MAY WELL DO THAT FOR HER. I SUPPOSE I'D BE WILLING TO NOT TELL OW's H IF THE AFFAIR TRULY ENDS AS WH SAYS IT WILL. But WH is only half the equation. And he's the half with a penis and a sex drive. And right now, he's not terribly interested in having sex with me... And after reading this site, I realize the end may not be the real end of the affair.

BH wants to end it in person, but after perusing this site (and I'm buying the books tomorrow), I know that he should write her a letter and be done with it. So that'll be some kind of negotiation, I suppose.

AND THEN, what do I do about my son's best friend? My son is soooo attached to OW's little boy, and none of this is the kids' fault. So how do we eliminate contact and maintain the kids' friendship???

Thank you for any and all advice you may offer to this. And thanks for reading this. I've learned so much from so many of you already. And I'm going to study the books, but hearing from real people is such a gift. Thank you again.

I am only 7 months post D day but am a big reader/studier/living sample of MB principles

Here is my take

you do not tell your H you are going to expose.

You do though, as soon as you can. Matter of factly to the OW's H.

Explosions will occur. They just will and try to be calm in the face of the storm.

Tell H you want the marriage. Say it whenever you think it is appropriate and smile a kind smile if you can.

Not sure on calling OW. Others will chime in on that.

Read the books as soon as possible. Read the Basic Concepts on this site over and over again til then.

Don't expect a miracle overnight. Be YOUR best self in each interaction. Let your ego be placated by your purely loving self (MB's taker vs giver....will make sense when you read the book and find the section on love busters)

Know that you are in a big club. We are not so pitiful in the end.

Your son needs a new best friend. Yes, you can gently tell him why he can't play with his old one. Daddy and the friend's Mommy did something wrong. They acted like boyfriend and girlfriend and Daddy should be his wife's boyfriend. Hugs and Kisses and love.

Yes, you MUST tell OWH. Not only does he deserve to know, but he will be your greatest ally in destroying this A.

He can keep an eye on his WW while you keep an eye on your WH.

Your H has asked you not to tell OWH b/c he plans on taking this A further underground...from you.

Don't let him.

Absolutely tell OWH. But, DON'T forwarn your WH that you are going to do this.

The OW will try to paint you as a crazy nut before you get the chance to.

Don't tell your WH about this place.

And welcome to Marriage Builders.

Shockandawe,

Welcome to MB! I'm sorry you find the need to be here, but it's the best place for you.

How did you happen to find the text messages? Were you suspicious? What access do you have normally your your WH's cell, e-mail, etc?

Read everything on this site. To start, you'll want to read about snooping and Plan A. I would also recommend you read the discussion of whether an A is a "romantic affair," to try to get a better idea of what you're dealing with. My H's A went on for 6 months, most of it long distance, but with plenty of "I love yous" thrown in. It was not, however, a romantic A, which made the recovery process so much easier.

The weekends are normally slow around here, and the forum was offline for the better part of two weeks, so traffic has been even lighter. The vets will be along to give you advice. All I can say is that there is hope. You can recover and you can have a better M once this is done.

I know firsthand the pain and anger that goes with dealing with a depressed spouse. My H suffers from depression and all the ups and downs of our M are directly related to whether his depression is controlled or not. When we've come out of the really bad times, it has taken months to get used to the normal version of my H and to let my guard down. Today, I take an active role in dealing with his depression. I know when he's likely to get depressed and I (unfortunately) need to monitor his med compliance. Like all people who suffer from depression, when he's feeling good he thinks he doesn't need his meds. He does. Always.

H also has ADHD. We've found that his meds not only help him focus, they greatly help with his depression. I recently read something that made a lot of sense. If you have depression and ADHD and you find yourself dwellling on the past or the future rather than the here and now, ADHD meds will likely help the depression by keeping you focused on the present.

You've been dealt a huge blow. You need to be at your best to fight this A, to protect your son and to recover your M. If you don't take anti-depressants daily now, I strongly suggest you talk to your doctor about starting.

Bea

Telling OW should be at the bottom of your priority list. She has no vested interest in ending the affair; she's not on your side and never will be. Her husband is your best ally. Tell him.

Don't buy into your H's rantings about how shameful it would be if people find out, how his reputation will be in tatters and it's all your fault because you exposed (no, it's all HIS fault because he made the decision to have an affair), etc.

He should write the NC letter, give it to you for your approval and YOU should mail/deliver it so you are sure it got there.

Continue to snoop while you work Plan A.

You must expose this affair. By keeping it secret it only goes underground and will be continued.

You must tell OWH.

The OWH deserves the truth, the condition of their marriage does not matter, you were most likely feds lies to keep you from exposing affair to the OWH.

Once told the OWH will be an extra set of eyes to help maintain NC.

You must tell WH parents and his siblings.

Your husband must give you access to all his internet accounts and cell for you to verify NC.

Your BH must write a NC letter for you to approve an edit if necessary, and for you to send it, so you no it was sent.

All contact between the children of both families must end.

How close does the OW live to you?

Do the kids go to the same school?

From my own experience I can offer you this advice.....do not think you can reason with your WH or the OW. You have to take the wheel! They are addicts, addicted to the fantasy of this affair. Don't let either of them convince you to do nothing, that would be sure death for your M. You cannot believe anything they say right now, even your WH, especially your WH! He is not your H right now, he is an alien and you must handle this sitch yourself right now to kill the A. Listen to the advice here. Don't think your WH is special and everything they say here may not apply to him, it does. I made that mistake myself and see it clearly now! Good luck.

shockandawe, I am so sorry you are here. Please calm down and listen very carefully to me. You are at critical moment in time and must take certain very decisive actions if you want to save your marriage. Hiding the affair for your H will be the death of your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping their secret helps the affair, not your marriage.

Your H said he doesn't want to harm the OW's marriage, but isn't that a ridiculous statement? Didn't he already do that by having an affair? If my neighbors bookkeeper embezzles money from him, would I be "harming" him if I alerted him to that fact? Or would the harm be coming from the bookkeeper?

Do you see how silly it is for your H to ask you not to tell her H because it would harm the marriage?

Oh no, your H wants you to keep the secret so he can continue the affair.

If you keep this secret, then they can continue the affair and you will forced to continue to see her in church and allow your child to play with hers. Unless you are planning on breaking them up and then lying about why.

So no, it will not help anyone, much less your H or the OW's marriage to hide their dirty little secret. You only will help the affair.

Take a deep breath and start making phone calls to expose the affair - TODAY. The sooner the affair is exposed, the sooner you can get to work fixing your marriage.

Start by calling these people TODAY:

1. the OW's husband

2. your H's family

3. your pastor

4. your own family because you will need them for support

Then sit down your 6 year old and tell him what his dad has done. Tell him who it was with and that because of this adultery, he can no longer play with OW's child.

Since your marriage will not recover if the adulterers see each other in church, you will need to find a new church. The affairees should never ever cross paths again, even if you have to move to another state.

Once this is done, I would ask your H to send the OW a no contact letter. There is one in the book Surviving an Affair, which you should get ASAP. I will post the letter if you want.

All of the above is designed to save your marriage. Dr Harley calls exposure the START OF RECOVERY, and he is right. The more people who know about it, the better.

Tell the boy the TRUTH. And tell him he can't be friends with him anymore. Tell him his father had an adulterous affair with MrsSKanky and because of this, your families can no longer be in contact. Tell him that MrsSkanky is the enemy of your family and explain why adultery is immoral. He will have to find a new friend. If you don't tell the boy the truth, he will hear it somewhere anyway. This news should come from you, along with moral guidance about why adultery is immoral.

Your son probably already knows something is wrong between his father and OW and is wondering why no adult will validate that. When kids' instincts about right and wrong are not validated, they learn to doubt their own instincts.

Don't whitewash your H's wrongdoing, s&a, to your son. That helps NO ONE to sweep this under the rug.

Your H has done a horrible thing and unfortunately, there are consequences for the rest of you.

SandA You need to expose so that the OWs husband can control her schedule. If their marriage is wrecked, that is secondary to your marriage. Next your husband needs a job. If only for his self respect.

Your H fully intends on continuing his affair, SA, and I dont think you realize this. This is why it is so important to expose it. He has just manipulated you into keeping his secret [I will end it if you don't tell her husband] while he just goes further underground. Asking to go "end it in person" is designed to get in another romp in the hay with your PERMISSION.

This affair is far from over.

From a FWW's perspective:

Do not let him see her in person. He can write a letter. He doesn't owe her anything. He owes you.

Check everything he does, says, reads, and writes. Do not trust him. The good people here will help you learn how to snoop.

Expose, expose, expose.

Do not let him throw any of his affair off on you. HE made this choice.

My H made it really clear what he expected, and he made it really clear after I broke no contact that he was out the door. I so appreciate that fact that he stuck to his guns. It's three years alter, and we have recovered, but we would not have if he had not stuck to his guns.

This statement from your husband makes Melody's statement below so true.

He saw darkness and now he sees light. He is in love. He will try to keep this going...

Expose and do not expect everybody to side with you, but many will. Do not worry about him being angry at you for exposing...as Mel put it to me many times...your M can survive anger, but it can't survive an OW!

S&A, another piece of advice for you....listen to Melodylane. She's been around a long time and has recovered her M and has helped many others R theirs as well. She, as well as many others here, are veterans and have experience and knowledge that you should heed.

Again, do not believe anything your WH is saying right now, no matter how sincere or remorseful he may sound!

I disagree about telling a six year old about the affair. It places a very young child in a position of divided loyalties. I also think you cannot tell a child whose home life is in upheaval that he cannot be friends with his best friend any more. This is a time when the boy will need his best friend. That doesn't mean that the boys get to play together after school, or that the families mix. If you decide to do any playdates, the would have to be arranged between you and OWH. I probably come to this from a different perspective than many since I am a child of divorce, a divorce that was the result of an affair.

I think breaking it off in person with the OW is a wonderful idea. Here's how it goes, you call up and invite OW over for a cup of tea. You and your husband sit next to each other on the sofa and he tells her that you know all about the affair and that he has chosen you over her. He then explains that there can be no contact between them ever again. That if she calls him or emails him, you will see or hear everything. Then, he asks her to leave. You don't say anything at all.

That is the only way it can be done in person. I like it because it visually shows you two as a united front and places her in the humiliating position of scorned outsider.

Ultimately, though, there is no failsafe no contact technique. That's why you have to snoop. Your H's attitude so far indicates that he's at risk for continuing the affair. Take care of yourself. Take care of your son. And watch out for your financial interests.

I say find your six year old a new best friend.

Friends at that age are completely interchangeable.

You won't have to explain the friendship being over at all...just end it and find an alternative.

Mr. Wondering

GG, Dr Harley would disagree with you about telling the 6 year old. He always advocates telling the children. Children can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. It is adultery and lies that harm children, not the truth.

S&A, your families should never have anything to do with each other again and that means finding your son a new playmate and telling him the truth about WHY. It is in your child's best interest for all contact to end forever. You and your H will be perpetually triggered every time your son plays with this boy. That is not in the best interest of your son, becuase it endangers his parents marriage. He can make new friends, whereas his parents family cannot be replaced.


Sorry, but this is another bad idea and not how an affair should be ended. As is outlined in Surviving an Affair, the affair should be ended with a LETTER. Her H should never see the OW again. Nor should she set foot in their home.

excerpt from Coping with Infidelity: Part 2 How Should Affairs End? here


SA, do it the way Dr Harley would recommend. He has saved thousands of marriages and knows what he is talking about.

I told my DS and he was six...I said something like this

Mommy and daddy got married in church by God and we shared a special love, like kissing , that is only supposed to be between a husband and wife. Your daddy shared that special love with another woman and that was wrong and it hurt mommy very much...He understood when I explained it to him this way..

I told him because I didnt want him thinking in any way that what was goin on between us was his fault..I didnt want him to think that just because daddy had a "friend" that i got upset, because we had lots of male and female friends, this was different. I wanted him to know that what his father did was WRONG. When you are unhappy you try to fix it not hurt everyone that loves you just to make yourself happy. I wanted him to have strong morals and integrity.

Now my DS will not go with his father if OW is around and my WH does not force the issue. So it helped in that my DS is not exposed to the homewreckin OW.

What's the problem with lettin the 6yo know he's soon be calling BF's mother, mommy too?

I just don't understand why people think its ok to lie to kids. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. It doesn't train kids to live life, it leaves them vulnerable when no one gives them the facts and teaches them the morality behind the truth. That is the PARENT'S JOB, after all, to give the child moral guidance and teach them skills to deal with family problems.

When children are not told the truth by the BS, they are often told a version of "truth" by the wayward or they hear the truth from some other kid at school or in the neighborhood. Adultery cannot be kept secret after all, I don't know why anyone would think otherwise.

I found a few posts to Dr Harley about exposing to children over on the weekend forum. There are many others:


QUESTION: This is very painful, as you can imagine. I am having a hard time with what to tell my kids. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

ANSWER: Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

QUESTION: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth.

ANSWER: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

QUESTION: Mr. Wondering and I have a friend that we are trying to help recover his marriage after his wife's affair. The affair is now over and there is NC. They are currently counseling with Jennifer. One big stumbling block for the wife in their recovery is the fact that during her affair when she had filed for divorce, the husband decided that their four children should be told the truth about what was happening. (Mr. Wondering and I agree very much with his decision.) The wife, however, does NOT agree with that decision and says that she doesn't believe that she can ever forgive her husband for it. (Obviously, this seems very odd, in light of her affair and his willingness to recover with her.) She feels that his telling the children was an attempt to turn the children against her.

The husband has feelings of guilt over his decision because of his wife's reaction. We have told him that it's wrong to HAVE an affair, but it is not wrong to EXPOSE an affair. We've also explained that children are much better served by the truth.

ANSWER: You are correct on all counts.� The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.