Thanks rpynne, now that makes more sense.

Okay as a FWW I am setting myself up here for the 2x4's.... My A lasted almost 4 years with many false recoveries. Mostly it lasted because I wanted my cake and to eat it too. My H knew that if he insisted I quit my job, move out, file for D that I am so hard headed and stubborn that it would have only pushed me further away (we actually discussed this last night). Maybe that is what he should have done but he did not want D. Therefore, he waited patiently, listening when I was willing to talk. Access to my A was easy because I worked with OM. So I got my EN's met there and came home to my family. We did live emotionally detached for a very long time, we had too to survive. FINALLY - I came to my senses, have seen all that my H has been trying to do for me, realized my A was fantasy world and would never work in the real world and we are recovering every day. It can be done even after a LTA.

Tabby,

You and I must have lived eerily parallel lives:


My xWW�s A (now affair-age) is at least 3 years old too � realistically from what I have learned from OMW and others the EA roots of it date back about 4 years now. Her OM also had a separate A/OW on the side about the time WW & he started �getting friendly�. Like the skank in your tale, WW�s OM is a total loser�high school dropout, abandoned kids from 3 different women, multiple adulteries, shady financial dealings, (now) 3 divorces, and (now) 4 marriages�.the sleazy beat goes on.

ME TOO

OMW (#3) was so infuriated, devastated, and embarrassed that she went straight to Plan D as well. She was fed up with old lies and neglects that way pre-dated OM�s affair with my WW�it was just the last straw. I can�t blame her for this, but had she fought, I�m sure OM would have soon dumped WW. He never wanted anything more than sex from xWW...she convinced herself that this attention was "love" and that they were "BFFs"

Similar deal here. I was completely in the dark about the affair (naively trusting and believing her gaslighting & excuses) until WAY later. OM, as is typical of cheating husbands, never intended to leave his wife for mine�WW was just a piece-of-[censored]-fling-on-the-side to him. When OMW ran straight to Plan D, OM used WW to hide $ and WW ultimatum�d OM into �committing� to her as her exit from our M. This was all BEFORE my D-day. OM later affair-married xWW because she knew his dirt, it was financially expedient, and they are both too afraid to ever be �alone�.

Likewise, I didn�t find MB until WW had filed and was living with OM. The pseudo-Plan A I had done before was exceedingly poor�heavy on the begging and apologizing, light to non-existent on the exposure and consequences. My �exposure� was way too late; WW had everyone convinced by then that I was the evil monster and that OM was her �brand new soulmate�. She had whitewashed the whole affair story to everyone that she could persuade. She Plan B�d me in effect by insisiting that I not contact her at all��it�s over and it�s been over for years!� You all know the marital scapegoating drill�

Yep, same story. Her family wrote me off like last weeks� newspaper�it was a total sellout and all planned out.

OMW and OM are still fighting over CS and care obligations to this day. OMxW still wants OM to be a father�he has no interest in ever being one and they are going to court over his lack of involvement and to revise the CS payments. My xWW has taken to harassing me legally for rusty shovels, a nightstand, old accountant�s fees, and a false restraining order claim that I mailed her a sexually offensive magazine photo�all despite the fact that I haven�t even spoken to her in 15 months. No, THIS IS NOT A JOKE.




Ditto�.POSOM is an expert at playing my xWW and his xBW off against each other. All involved play the martyr and victim act very well. The �happy couple� are completely codependent and completely convinced that each other�s xBS is a �stalker� or �bitter�. My xWW thinks that OMxW wants him back and is therefore obsessively jealous of her and abusive toward her/POSOM�s son. OM feeds this insecurity to xWW to keep her needy of him while he uses her financially and flirts with other females.


Of course it does. I know for a fact that the �honeymoon� is long over in my xWW�s affair-age�she is lonely, has no friends or family, POSOM doesn�t give a crap about her except to use her $, there is and will be no baby she wanted (POS got snipped), etc., but she is too scared to leave and be alone. Can�t admit failure or a mistake, esp. with POS� xBW still stirring them up.



I agree for you and for me. From what I have heard, it�s hanging by a thread over there and xWW is miserable, isolated, and trapped. Here�s the tenuous threads that keep it superficially �together�:
1. xWW�s pride, stubbornness, shame, and guilt prevent her from admitting the truth.
2. xWW�s fear of failure, apology, and of being �alone�
3. xWW & POSOM are both very needy, codependent, manipulative, insecure people�the only difference is that POSOM has always been a malignant user & xWW wasn�t until she got herself addicted and wrapped around his finger. They now lie to, use, and spy on EACH OTHER.
4. xWW is obsessed with her older (19yo�from a 3rd woman) �stepson��both as a �child-replacement� for the baby she can no longer have due to POSOM�s vasectomy and to tweak OMxBW who raised him from childhood and is now cutoff from him by xWW as punishment. He is now gone for good from the brainwashing at home�ran off to join the military out-of-state.


Sounds like a great life, huh? I would like to ask all these WSs: �WAS IT WORTH IT???�

Ok, good point...let's say 2 years AFTER any cake-eating period has been put to rest.

Tabby & BIKER,

Thank you, those are very good thoughts. I have been struggling for a while as to why my xWW would re-open frivolous legal arguements involving trivial amounts of legitimate funds. Everyone keeps telling me that "it was the LAST check you owed her and she is using every means to keep you thinking of her and to make you as miserable as she is".

I kind of believe that and am now pursuing a "global" deal in which she must sign a stipulation agreeing that ALL financial/property "loose ends" from the D are forever complete. I am trying to ensure that she and her rapacious atty can NEVER come after me again for anything...esp the frivolous and meritless claims she has been making of late. Thank God we didn't have kids together or I know that she would be harassing me ad infinitum.

I was confused about why she would, in the midst of all this, concoct this bizarre restraining order claim. I wondered: if, as so many friends are telling me, she is doing this financial crap to 'maintain contact' with me in some twisted way, why would she then falsely pursue a RO which guarantees that no contact could possibly take place? I recently discovered the answer:

POSOM's xBW#3 told (in a misguided effort to tweak my xWW with whom there is intense mutual disgust) her non-biological step-son (POSOM's from an additional woman--the 19yo my xWW has obsessively claimed as her own to deny him from xBW#3) that she was talking with me and had told me everything. This occurred during an "unapproved visit" between the step-son, his half-brother, and xBW#3 (the half-brother's bio mom). [confusing, I know] I KNOW that my xWW controls/manipulates this poor kid and he spilled that to her the moment he got home, shortly before he took off for the service. The dates match EXACTLY--this occurred only a few days before this alleged offensive mailing mysteriously "appeared" and prompted xWW's fallacious RO claim. She faked it, prob with 19yo's coerced aid, just to hurt me and get back at me for getting the truth and talking to someone she does NOT want me to have contact with. Crazy, huh?

I am in the process of wrapping all this nonsense up with my lawyer...I hope to be fully done with it all and have xWW completely out of my hair in any possible way, present and future and permanently, by the end then end of this calendar year at the latest.

Just wanted to chime in here about LTA .. so far my exwh is still with the OW. IN fact he married her. As far as I can tell things are pretty rocky with them but he still feels justified in it all.

We don't speak much except about kids or grandkids. For one thing he is not allowed to speak to me by orders of the OW. Of course I don't have anything to say to him.

I do know one thing for sure though he will never admit he did anything wrong and he will stay with her just to prove a point that he was right.....

It's been a little over three years now and I don't see it ending anytime soon. The fog is still thick along with justifications....

The one good thing is I don't care anymore and I find it all amusing. At least one of us can sleep at night with no regrets.

This part confuses me.

Offer to have the magazine tested for your finger prints. Declare that she was once very valuable to you. Ask her if $100 or so is suitable for any items that she feels is neglected in the divorce proceeding.

She needs to know that you are getting over her and that continued contact is cruel. Is it possible to have a friend contact her on your behalf?

Whoops! I delayed pressing "Submit" and you already completely answered my post.

I would love to hear how it is resolved.

Imagine,

No problem about the question. I am in the process of doing the very things you have suggested. I am basically "buying her off" to sign a blanket immunity agreement against further claims and am waiting for a hearing on the magazine photo issue. My atty already knows that I will happily provide fingerprints, DNA, a handwriting sample, or whatever it takes to disprove that I mailed this to her.

xWW has ZERO contact with my (her former) family or my (her former) friends. None of them will speak to her at this point as she lied to them all and then disappeared without so much as even a "goodbye" call or letter to any of the people who were intimate fixtures in her life for over a decade. Despite expressing nostalgia for them and "thinking of them every day" (her words) in our final phone convo last summer, she has not been able ever to "face" any of them in any way--even electronically.

The irony is that one couple, who were very close friends of hers when married, now has the shovels and nightstand in their possession, acting as my intermediary on the advice of counsel. Despite xWW's phony wailings about me spitefully withholding these precious items from her and multiple offers for her to make "arrangements" to retrieve them, she suddenly (via her atty) indicated "discomfort" with that process as soon as she discovered she would have to face these people whom she hurt so terribly. She can't bring herself to have to face those who know the truth and don't look kindly upon her actions. The stipulation will compel her to make contact and retrieve the items (which she claims she is so vexed about) within 30 days or else her claim to them becomes moot. We all seriously doubt that she will bother to pick them up and know that this claim was about nothing more than annoying me from the get-go.

OMG SDCWman - except for all the extra marriages POSOM has had, you could be the OWH in my sitch! My DS turned 19 shortly after D-day, just after WXH moved out. At first, OW made great efforts to win his approval. DS got married exactly 1 year after D-day and OW wanted to be the one to light the unity candle as she figured she had been more of a mom to him than me! Yes - you are reading that correctly. DS said no, and that in fact he'd rather she not come to the wedding as he didn't want someone there that would make me cry - his real mom. Since then, OW has tried very hard to limit contact between WXH and DS. She deletes and throws away DS's phone number so WXH never has it. DS and DIL haven't been to visit them at their house since this happened, though DS did take WXH out for Fathers Day last year. WXH did come to DS's graduation, and he even stayed and had lunch with us, but he disappeared as soon as he could (I did find out later that was the day OW spent in jail for running over OWH). It's just bizarre because she went from wanting to take over my role as mother to virtually blacklisting him because she couldn't get up in front of MY friends and family and shwo off how much better a parent she is than me. I guess that would have further justified their affair or something but it still floors me that her brain works this way.