Karmarose: No, this is NOT OW, this is a post divorce GF. That is one thing that I will always be grateful for, that the OW is NOT part of my childrens' lives. Shame that the affair ended right after the divorce, makes it all pointless, but at least I don't have to deal with OW in our lives.

LousyGolfer: Just as I suspected, I do not have to invite him. Kids just told me that exH explained how the holiday will happen and he WILL be here on Christmas morning. Nevermind what the parenting plan says, never mind the current stuggle I am having, this is all about him and what he wants. Typical.... and I won't fight it, I will do this for my kids, they really hate that their parents can't be in the same room together.

As far as the GF seeing who he is, from what I hear about him these days, he is no catch. I can't imagine being so desperate to be in a relationship that I would put up with him. Better her than me.

Happy Holidays

((((((Jean)))))),

It's so good to hear from you!!! I, too, missed your last post.....

You are a very brave woman. I have thought of you often thus last couple of months....especially with you whole "sister" episode. I pray for divine intervetion for her......And if ya need a temporary replace, I'm here. Of course, I've never been a little sister, so I might throw a tantrum or two your way.....
All things considering, you sound strong. And don't worry about the venting,that's what we are hear for. And with what you are going through, we'll allow you a couple more....

Anywho, if you wanna accept let me know......

Not2fun

I wonder if he will bring new GF.

Ten to one in five years this new GF will be in the same position you were with WH...

No, he won't. She doesn't even ride with him to pick up the kids. The kids asked me about that once. Personally, I don't have a problem with her, I kinda pity her being stuck with ex and all and I question her intelligence. But she has never done anything TO me, of course, I have never met her.

Again, OW would NOT be allowed on my property, but he met this GF sometime after the divorce and probably has no idea what an a$$ he has been to me.

Not2fun Thanks for thinking of me. Yeah, the situation with little sucks. Unlike the exH, she is blood and it makes it harder. The kids have trouble with me and Aunt not speaking, they know that we were very close. The kids have lost all faith in marriage.

Jean:

This line: "Kids just told me that exH explained how the holiday will happen and he WILL be here on Christmas morning"

And your response: "Typical.... and I won't fight it, I will do this for my kids"

First: I will be there also. Please have a nice fully cooked breakfast as well. And I prefer Titlest NXT balls, a good two dozen should work well.

Second: Why would you allow a man into your house with out your approval? I DON'T CARE if he IS the father of your children. This is YOUR house. He moved out YEARS ago, divorced you and should be no more welcome in your home than I am, without your specific invitation....

Third: Your children CAN NOT make an end run around you by inviting HIM. No, they can not do this. No matter HOW much they want to.

Stand up for yourself. He can show up, you DO NOT need to let him in. If he protests, you call the police, and tell them that there is a crazy person on your porch.

How CARES what he wants. Its your house.

Your children get upset because you two are not "getting along"? Well DUH! Who's fault is that? Not yours. It is HIM who left.

He gave up rights to Christmas Morning in front of his tree when he decided to step out of the marriage.

Or, take the kids someplace else on Christmas Eve. Go to Grandmas. Stay away from the house. It not his "right" to dictate when and at what time he can bless you with his presence at YOUR OWN HOME!

Happy Holidays, but control your envoirnment!

LG

I am considering taking this letter to exH. Feedback welcome. I realize thst there are DJs in there, but my objective in NOT MBing. My objective is only that my kids can have a decent Christmas. And that means Mom and Dad being decent OR Mom and Dad staying away from each other.

((((Jean))))

I'm so sorry you are going through. I hope you realize you are one of the strongest women on this BB. I greatly admire you.

I fully understand the purpose of your letter, but I would caution you to reconsider the DJs. Not so much for the un-MB-ishness of them, but more because they could have the opposite effect of what you desire. Your ex sounds to me to be very immature, as many waywards are. Chances are he's going to view these as pot-shots and possibly react as though you are challenging him to be as big a jerk as possible.

Honestly, from where I sit I can't see why you would allow him in your home. But if you do, rather than send him a letter that he is bound to misinterpret, why not send him a short note simply requesting that he put aside any anger and hostility for one day, without specific references to either his actions or your health. Don't give him the opportunity to be defensive or return fire.

Thanks Tabby, that is very sound advice. I am trying to construct the short note in my head, but the pot shots keep creeping in. I am so tired of the high road when it comes to him.

And I am secretly trying to get him to fess up to being an [censored] and see the errors of his ways and apologize, and I HAVE TO LET THAT GO!!!

I got it down to text message length, how is this:

This is the best version. Short and to the point. The other one still has a subtle dig. This reads like a thank you note from an insurance company for paying your bill on time. It's perfect!

Thanks Tabby, but out of curiousity, how did I manage to sneak a dig in on a short text, I thought brief would serve me better. I stink at this.

How about this one??


Did you know that you can't pee outside when taking chemo, you will kill the grass

The "if you come over" could be interpreted as a dare. If your ex is as immature as he appears through your writing, you have to assume his reaction to anything will be that of a spoiled child. A spoiled child might react like this: "Ya right I'm coming over and don't think you can tell me how to feel or behave!" The other letter simply states you understand he's coming over and makes a polite request.

I love this! Of course you can't send it but you can recite it to yourself when he does come over and attempts to bait you (which he probably will, being the spoiled brat that he is).

Jean:

How about this one:

"ExH:

You are not welcome in my home, without a direct invitation from me. Do NOT show up Christmas Morning. Our visitation orders state that you get the children Christmas Eve, and have to return them to my house by 10pm.

Please follow the plan."

I do nt know what your visitation plan is. Please review it, and make him live up to it.

Stop allowing this wayward scum exH of your to dictate to you what HE wants.

He WILL ruin your Christmas day. No matter how many times or ways you try to ask him to be nice. He is TOXIC.

Sorry. Be strong.

LG

I do hear you LG, I do, really. I just can't stop turning the other cheek hoping for a less dysfunctional divorce. I have been through so much in the past three months, spending three hours in his presence doesn't seem that bad if it means my kids have a less sucky Christmas.

What I need to do is not complain about his sense of entitlement since I allow it to continue.

I am going to give him the short, insurance type letter today. If there is fall out from that, I'll adjust as needed. There is no reason for him to be here to watch the kids unwrap MY gifts to them.

I really need to have a more functional relationship with him if at all possible. If this cancer takes a bad turn, I have to face the possibility that he may have to finish raising them. I am a stage IIIc which is as close to a stage IV as you can get (I didn't even know there was a stage IIIc, but it is better than being stage IV).

I don't know if I have 8 years left to get them both to adulthood. I need to be able to turn over the parenting baton to him.

What a crappy thought.

it's a motivational thought to get healthy through and through. Give yourself a live-vote and set some boundaries.

Turning the other cheek could be fatal and give him the privilege YOU DESERVE to raise your children.

So stop.

Surround yourself with people who build you up, not tear you down.

Jean - in order to beat cancer YOU MUST give your body mind and spirit the message that YOU MATTER.

Letting him walk all over you sends the opposite message to your soul!

Jean:

With this line: "spending three hours in his presence doesn't seem that bad if it means my kids have a less sucky Christmas."

You do not KNOW if Christmas will be sucky or not. It will only BE. However, YOU know that your Christmas will be SUCKY because your Flamingly WxH wants to impose himself on you, so that HIS won't be a sucky.

I have friends who have had friendly divorces. They can stand to be around each other even when its not a holiday and they are "forced" to. You do not have that. He does not care about your and your issues.

He only cares that he seems like the "good dad" spending time with his children on Christmas morning. And he is NOT concerned with rolling over anyone and thier opinion that may be different to get that.

Kayla is right. You need a positive attitude and positive people around you to continue the fight that you are in.

And this guy doesn't help.

Sure, if you pass away, he will end up raising your children. Maybe you should put together a will that clearly indicates YOUR choices in this matter, that are consistent with your divorce decree, local legal laws, and your visitation agreement. Maybe your WxH WILL NOT BE the one who is responsible for this care. And I can't think of a better reason to fight harder for your life than knowing that THIS MAN may be the one in control of your children.

And you can complain about his sense of entitlement. You do not allow it to continue. That is his issue. You can howver, stop letting his sense of entitlement encroach on your life.

He is NOT entitled to sit around your Christmas tree and act like the "good Dad". He is entitled to what is in the parenting plan approved by the court. If he isn't happy with that, then he should do something about that. I don't believe I have never heard of a parenting plan that allowed the ex to come into the house at holidays and impose themselves on thier ex-spouse.

And your children will be better off without him there. Because YOU will be better off. And that is what they see everyday. Not WxH's flaming entitlement.

"WxH: The kids will be available for pickup on Christmas Day after our dinner is completed at 4pm, according to the parenting plan. J36"

And leave it at that. You should not CARE that he wishes to do it his way. And his anger about YOU not doing it his way, is his way of controlling you even now. Your children know the plan. And they know that he isn't following it when it doesn't suit him. ANd that strife comes from HIM. Not you.

Defending yourself from him and him being angry about it are not your fault.

LG