As far as "loving the OM" and knowing you can find happiness with him.

Consider that the grass always grows greener over a cesspool; however, when you dig down beneath the surface it's all crap.

Your ONLY true path to happiness is through a loving, interdependent, HONEST and intimate relationship with your husband. Your "relationship" with OM is a figment of your imagination created solely by hormones in your brain. There is no reality to your inappropriate feelings. They are rubbish. OM is rubbish. What he'll do with you...he'll do TO YOU.

Consider it.

Mr. Wondering

You have some great posts already and the only thing I wanted to add was:

I like most people have thought I would want a D if my H ever cheated...but once I got over the shock of dday, despite my pain and anger, I desperately wanted my M. I think the statistic is posted here but most BS do not ask for a D after dday.

Also you actually have it backwards ~ there will be no going forward if you DON'T tell your H the whole truth. It is one of the MB tenets, radical honesty, and its there for a reason, you cannot achieve the intimacy it sounds like you want with your H if you are hiding secrets from him and feeling guilty.

I know it sounds hard to believe but you and your H can fall deeply in love again...but it starts with you telling him the truth ASAP. Good luck.

Red alert!!! I stubbed my toe.

She is going to feel SOOOOOOO foolish, I'd say, in about 3 months TOPS. And what are her kids, siblings, parents going to think of her? What do you have in life other than your name, honor, committment...But no, she threw all those virtues away for her A. And whats worse, she ain't all that, if she were, she would have asked her BH for a divorce BEFORE dating again, but alas, she has cake walked. Why, I bet she is going to be jealous once they divorce and he has a hot new young thing on his side while her OM dumps her for the newest thing. WHAT A WINNER! DUDE

Dude: Play nice.

She probably will feel pretty foolish for the things she wrote in a couple of months. I've been there. Who knows, maybe we'll have another crash and the whole thing will be erased and she won't have to relive this incredibly foggy time in her life over and over again.

LOVEcommitment: I hope you are listening. People here really do want to help you. I know it's difficult to see the forest for the trees right now. Just know that this too shall pass. There is light and clarity on the other side of the fog. We would like to help you get there.

This is so true. I expect it will fall on deaf ears, though, as this woman is really living in some type of fantasy world.
I mean, seriously, who could actually characterize a man who commits adultery as a "gentleman". It's like the fellow that occasionally robs a bank or rapes someone being described as such.
What about STDs? Have you considered the potential health risks to your husband?

LC you are going to think that the posters are lashing out at you. That they are bitter and can't possibly identify with what you are doing because your situation is "unique". It's not. You are going down the path that many of these posters have been before. Coddling you and reassuring you while you are "still" in betrayal of your husband won't help you. you have to see that this is horrible and lying to him further is not protecting him. In all actuality, it is protecting you.

No one is lashing out at you, but telling you the truth. The sharpness you get is because you are still foggy and only brutal honesty will help get you out the fog.

Don't run from here. I have seen these posters save many marriages. Melody Lane, MrWondering and a host of others have nothing but your best interest at heart. If you don't listen, I am very sure your marriage is really going to fail.

You have just killed your husband, he is dead spiritually. HE doesn't know it yet. You are keeping him alive on a lie. Tell him the truth, deal with this head on so his spirit can live.

You are telling him he needs to change..well you do too. you have not been the stellar wife and right now it would serve your marriage best if you quit putting the focus and blame of your affair on your husband. No..you didn't actually say that, but you did go outside your marriage and you did name some of his actions to that cause. I think you owe him more right now than he owes you.

InLove,

Someone wrote You will ALL need to get STD testing.

Please do that immediately, If OM is willing to lie to his wife and is complicit in your lying to your Husband, what makes you think he is not lying to you about a third woman or prostitutes? Liars lie it is what they do.

NJ

To newjersey's point, it is very common for male cheaters to have several women going at once, hence the need for cooties testing. Female cheaters typically stick to one man at a time. Men are multitaskers, though.

The OM is not married. He was cheated on by his ex wife. He has been divorced now for over a year. He was tested after the D. H gets tested annually, required as a part of annual physical by employer. I trust OM, but I recognize the concern. TY, I will get that done soon.

NC will happen in a couple of months due to the nature of work. Non-personal contact has been cut off. Professional contact is only in group setting, and again, only for a couple of months.

As stated before, H said M would be over if this happened, and if it does not to tell him. He does not want to know. This is the one and only thing I have ever kept from H, and the only thing I ever will.

Just like I wouldn't tell a new bo that my last bo was better in bed, I will not tell H. I will not try to shape H into what I adore in OM either.

I really want H and I to focus on who we are today and go from there. Like H said, we're wiping the plate clean, and not bringing up past issues.

I appreciate everyone's understanding. It's really interesting and shocking to read how people view me and the situation.

Yes, I have a similar story and can relate. However, I was the betrayed husband in my situation.

I won't bother with much advice, as much like my FWW was, you aren't really able to listen.

FWIW, what you adore about OM is his acting. You should be worldy enough to know men act differently towards a woman they are courting. Just as I'm sure your H did when you first started out.

I cannot emotionally handle radical honesty right now. Stick with me. Maybe I can get there. I will do some more reading on MB tonight.

One thing that has been confirmed over the last 24 hours, is how people would treat me or feel about me if they found out. Also, how quickly people judge and come to conclusions.

I am here b/c I need advice on moving forward. I already know what I did was wrong. OM knows it too. Yes, he has been in a moral dilema as well, and actually tried breaking it off a few times before I did. He told me I needed to make a decision, that if I was truly as unhappy as I said, that I should leave and not look back ... but that if I thought there was a chance I should give my M everything I have. OM put a stop to it once, and I another. Emotionally I went back and forth, and couldn't decide. It took me a long time to decide, but I'm going the second route, obviously. I feel really great about my decision too.

Really, your M will never fully recover unless you tell your H the truth. It doesn't matter if this is the only thing you've ever kept from him.

You are setting yourself up for failure.

You should get Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair." He explains it so much better than I can. Also, read through the site, especially about the Policy of Radical Honesty.

You came here for help and advice, I presume. We are offering both. It's really up to you if you choose to listen. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

You are getting advice on how to move forward. You just don't want to accept it. The advice you're getting here is from people who have been here for a long time. They are using Dr. Harley's concepts to help you because they believe in them and have seen them work, over and over again. It's your choice to listen and heed it or not, but be aware, there is no gray area here if you want to fully recover your M and be deeply in love with you H again. It is possible but not when you're trying to hide the elephant in the closet. You won't get "gray area" advice here.

Well isn't that nice. You feel great about "YOUR" decision, but you're not allowing your husband to make "HIS" decision. You say H wants to wipe the slate clean? How does he do that if he doesn't have all the facts?

This will come back and bite you. You're playing a dangerous game by not being truthful.

It's best to come clean ASAP. THEN you'll really "feel great" about your decision.

You're still invested emotionally with OM if you're allowing his opinions or feeling to determine choices about your marriage. He doesn't have that right.

LC, this isn't meant to sound harsh. When I first came on here a couple of months ago (even after over 8 months of recovery & no-contact), I got slapped around a bit verbally, or so I thought, over thoughts that I'd shared... but most of it was eye-opening for me in a good way. You've come here looking for some medicine & help, so now you have to be tough enough & of sufficient character to swallow it & act on it. Look, I'm not getting paid for spouting off here on my lunch hour... I HATE what I did when I cheated on my wife, and I want to see people avoid misdeeds & mistakes if possible -- the ones I made, as well as some that I avoided. Folks here will tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear. So listen up:



No, they're not. You've had an affair with someone who continues to impose on your thoughts, and whom you see on a regular basis, and you continue to conceal these significant facts from your husband. Please explain, In what way is that not being radically deceptive? I say the following as someone who engaged in my own deception vis-a-vis my wife for 2-&-a-half months: Get honest with yourself about yourself.



No, you don't "know" this; but even if you did, it's beside the point. You could also be happy with your H, if the both of you would be communicating openly & honestly, and in consideration of each other's feelings & emotional needs. Why would you choose one to whom you've made no promises, over one to whom you have?



Advice: Probably best to dial back on your critique of your H's means of expressing love. After all, you've just been through a spell of expressing your love for him by, uh, sliding up & down on a work acquaintance of yours behind your husband's back. Does that not sound bizarre to you in your lucid moments? (I'm not trying to make smart-alecky comments; rather, I really do hope you'll take a step back & try to place yourself in your husband's shoes, because it might keep you from saying things that don't pass the "silly" test, when you're in conversation with your hubs trying to save your marriage.)



I'm glad that's your sentiment. But you have to mean it, and you have to walk it, not just talk it. And this requires honesty... it requires putting your heart in his hands and giving him the full power to throw it away, or to hand it back to you. If you can't bring yourself to that level of humility, then this isn't going to work for ya. So you're afraid of how he'll react? Love has to overcome fear. It can do so, but you have to give it -- as you say -- everything you've got. Look, I -- a 'well-respected professional man', regarded as an upstanding family man, in my church & in my community -- had to get down on my knees and beg my wife to keep me, AFTER I'd told her about all the stuff I'd done during my affair that might make her decide NOT to. She'd have been within her rights to kick me out. I can't say how your husband will react, but you're failing the principles of honesty/fairness/decency if you don't give him that chance & choice. Swallow your pride. Get humble. Get on your knees. Offer to go to counseling with him. Let him rage/vent. Get honest with yourself & with him, if you're really serious about wanting to save this marriage. It CAN be done. But with this secret hanging over your head, liable to come out any time the OM gets sloppy, and with the fact that you still have MILES to go in cleaning up your relationship with the OM, you have a huge amount of spadework before you that you've not even begun.



You think you're strong enough to keep from resuming your physical affair, when you're in regular proximity to this OM who was oh, so wonderful to you? Get honest with yourself.

People don't judge and come to conclusions quickly. It's just we've seen it before.


Good. I think that will help.

Hope you stick around and things work out for you.

BTDT, and I can tell you for certain that it REALLY screwed up the recovery of my M. NC needs to be immediate.



Unfortunately, waywards seem to be unable to comprehend what the future would actually look like because of their choices.

Here's what likely WILL happen. Your H WILL find out about your A, either from you (an accidental slip, or perhaps your conscience will eventually [censored] you hard enough about your ongoing dishonesty and deception), or from someone else. And when he does, not only will he have your A to consider, but the subsequent years of dishonesty, deception and outright manipulation on your part as you conspired to keep that information from him. And when he does find out, it will be like your A happened YESTERDAY. And it will not be pretty!



This situation is entirely different, and you know it.



By keeping this from your H, you are already manipulating him. He has a RIGHT to decide whether or not he wants to stay M'd to an adulteress, repentent or otherwise.



That's what YOU want. Your H needs to know the truth so he can decide what HE wants to do going forward. Deny him that and he might never forgive you for choosing to continue deceiving him.

A gentleman does not sleep with a married woman.

You have done nearly the most despicable thing humans can do to the ONE person they vow to love and protect - cheat and lie. How else would you expect people to see that? Honestly, do you expect them to pat you on the shoulder and say 'I'm so sorry you're in pain, and I understand the need to find happiness, even if it's at someone else's expense."?

Think about it.

Until you can honestly say 'oh my god what have I done' you just don't get it.

Right now you're at the stage where you're trying to salvage your self-respect and dignity. But if you read enough here, read others' threads, you'll see that you CAN'T reach happiness until you adhieve total humility and remorse. Right now, you may feel like you are, but we can tell you are still in self-survival mode.

Your H deserves your total humility. He deserves for you to NOT say what YOU were unhappy about and expect him to fix it. He deserves for you to say "I'll do anything to make this up to you; name it."

Until you're at that point, you have a really good chance of crushing his soul, all over again, because to you, YOUR happiness is more important than his. That's not love.

If you were truly remorseful you would quit your job to prove to your H how horrified you are at your own actions, so that you don't have even one single chance more of falling back in with OM. But you won't. So what does that say about you?

I have been here for awhile, and I can tell you that you are getting treated with kid gloves. Peopl are not being judgemental; they are being honest. You are still in the phase where anything you don't want to hear sounds like judgement. You wanted to come and have everyone say, "good for you, you want to move on. I hope your husband is better now." But that isn't honest.

I am not going to post all the guts and gore of my story publicly now, but if you want to know all we went through, get the mods to give you my email, and I will be glad to share anything that might help. You would be amazed how similar some of our story's are.

But everything that has been said here about honesty is absolutely true.