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Can you seduce him? How about a lap dance?  WHY Miss Mel, I am shocked....  I'm not sure if that's in the "Texan's Guide to Lady Behavior"....  The lady is a tramp?? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel,
I already have the book. I am at home for a few hours tonight and will look at it. I don't have Fall in Love, Stay in Love, I have SAA, LB's and HNHN.....
the no SF is ENTIRELY on H. NOT ME.... It's a very sensitive subject with him, and he told me he needed to get through his 4th step. So I was thinking that rather than going for the gusto, I would do SOMETHING in the MB principles area.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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the no SF is ENTIRELY on H. NOT ME.... It's a very sensitive subject with him, and he told me he needed to get through his 4th step. WHY??? What does this mean??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I honestly don't understand it myself. I can only come up with there are so many secrets in his closet he is afraid. I just simply don't know.
And it's really hard because I really am someone who can be told anything. I don't judge him at all. He is a sick human being. I just want to get beyond this.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Queenie, this is an issue that directly affects you. You have a right to know what the truth is and to understand why he is not engaging in your marriage like a husband should. I wouldn't make a DEMAND, but I would explain to him that having sex is part and parcel of marriage and you are very hurt and concerned that he is withholding this from you WITH NO EXPLANATION.
Explain to him that this is information about your marriage that you both need to share and understand.
This is your marriage, Queenie. You have a right to understand what is going on in it. This 4th step nonsense sounds like bullcrap to me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does he want a wife or a roommate? Because I am starting to wonder if it is latter...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are y'all sleeping in the same bed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will jump in the thread again to say that my guess about your H is that either he is getting sex from someone else or into pleasuring himself with pornography to avoid having it with you or rather that is why.
I say this from experience.
I know you are in recovery but something here is more than fishy.
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This is your marriage, Queenie. You have a right to understand what is going on in it. This 4th step nonsense sounds like bullcrap to me. This is the same thing I said 4 weeks ago! A true 4th step only takes a few hours to actually complete..... I have walked some through the the first 8 steps in only a days time. The lack of honesty about the SF..... I would let him know your boundary is RADICAL HONESTY or he is out! This is not a demand, it's the bare minimum that a marriage requires after suffering the devistation of adultery.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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The lack of honesty about the SF..... I would let him know your boundary is RADICAL HONESTY or he is out! This is not a demand, it's the bare minimum that a marriage requires after suffering the devistation of adultery. BINGO!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I KNOW this is the same issue we have been dealing with for over 4 weeks.
Yes, we are in the same bad Yes, we cuddle, we hold each other, we sit next to each other, etc. It's just this ONE area.
When I have pressed, demanded etc. He tells me that he is afraid he won't be good enough.
I can't express to you how hard this is on me. I have tried everything.
The question am I ready to push him out over this, no not today. Do I think he is getting it from somewhere else, he simply doesn't have that kind of unaccountable time. Is there porn.. Again, the computer is in our bedroom. I monitor it, the phone, email, etc. We spend almost all our time together. He is loving, attentive in all areas but that one.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Queenie,
I completely agree with everyone. You gave him MASSIVE chance to get back with his W and I haven't seen him do anything that shows he deserves it.
This is no way to live.....enforce your boundary or he goes. Plain and simple
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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Has he been tested for STD's? Is he afraid he might give you something?
If he has then send him to doc for some pills to ensure he's up for the task
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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Hi Vladi, how's life.
Ok, this isn't about the lack of SF thread. It's about me starting slowly and figuring out what other are his EN's so I can get him to be open about learning from me.
I don't want to argue whether he is sleeping around or not. He just doesn't have the opportunity.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Yes, we are in the same bad Yes, we cuddle, we hold each other, we sit next to each other, etc. It's just this ONE area.
When I have pressed, demanded etc. He tells me that he is afraid he won't be good enough. Queenie, this is ridiculous. Tell him how hurt you are by this. His explanations do not make sense. He is willfully choosing to HURT YOU and you have a right to know the reason. This is YOUR LIFE, QUEENIE. Are you sleeping together? And has he had STD testing? Does he have some bad disease? None of the reasons he is giving you ring true.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He finally went and got tested. Nothing.
He knows how hard this is for me. He just isn't willing to accomodate me on this.
Yes, we sleep together every night.
Actually it does ring true for me. Our sex life has ALWAYS been horrible. Not very satisfying for me at all. I just always kept hoping he would want to do things to learn. He had a BLOCK here and no amount of griping, cajoling, begging etc is changing it.
So, rather than keep on being frustrated I just simply want to come at it from another perspective. Learn about him so that he will start to want to learn about me.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Has he been tested for aids? That can take a few months?
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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Posts: 6,643
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He hasn't been with her since January... I would have thought it would show up by now?
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Actually it does ring true for me. Our sex life has ALWAYS been horrible. Not very satisfying for me at all. I just always kept hoping he would want to do things to learn. He had a BLOCK here and no amount of griping, cajoling, begging etc is changing it. ok, Queenie, maybe that is so. But the fact remains that you do not know the reason WHY. He is not willing to meet a very basic need and apparently is also not willing to be honest about it. I am very concerned for you that there is no real plan of recovery here, much less a committment to recovery. Recovery is not going to happen by osmosis. Is there anyway you could swing phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Has he been to a doctor to find out why he has no sexual drive?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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