People who have not been the victims of adultery will say that they "don't want to know if it happens" or that cheating "will end the marriage."

The truth is...they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. I know that I told my husband that if he ever wanted anybody else, he'd better get his divorce first; and, that if he cheated, I would be gone in a heartbeat.

Well, here I am...years later, still married.

Tell your husband. He has a RIGHT to know. You are only protecting YOURSELF. In fact, it's possible that he may find out at some point, so it's much, much better if you tell him EVERYTHING.

I use mine to clean my ears( ears continue to grow through outlife, and the apertures are getting bigger). In a pinch, when your sonic toothbrush is broken, you can hook it up to your manual one using duct tape.

LOL Mel. I know but am not sure how it can be adapted to anything else...an electric toothbrush? a screwdriver?

Anyway, end of t/j before I get in trouble.

T/J: Zelmo, I sure hope you're checking out your Picker!

LC
It has been said, and I can't add anything more except to say you must tell your BH the truth.

What did you mean that your BH does not want you to tell him?

Does he suspect you had an affair?

Er...um...well, my H...oh yeah, you don't want to know.

Yeah. it needed some work. I was pretty naive. Not anymore. Got an education. Lost some innocence. Thus, my view on the predatory nature not being monopolized by men.

My brother was a classic case of inferiority complex heightened by lifelong abandonment by father (while still actually being around). It was weird watching him pick the SAME woman time after time after time. Only he couldn't see it. I still thank God that he met his wife (at a church, mind you), who is the polar opposite of these women, because she saved his life, and married her at age 35. Self-assured, lovable, huge sense of humor, takes no crap from him...no more mousy (but beautiful) insecure women who drained him dry.

Good for you for finding your way clear of that landmine. Many people don't.

LC,
I notified the moderators to send you my email address. Hopefully that will work. Wow! You got a lot of responses between yesterday and this morning.

I wanted to comment on what you said about not being able to handle it emotionally right now. I know how this feels, but actually, the main reason I didn't think I could live was because of the secret, not because of what telling my H might do. Here's what I thought: I didn't know if H would divorce me right away because I had the full time job and I carried out insureance. What I really thought would happen was that he would stay around because he needed me, but he would never ever forgive me, and he would make sure he punished me for the rest of my life. I also figured if he did leave, he would do everything in his power to take the kids away from me. There. That is my honest, wayward-at-the-time confession. No, I definitely didn't want to hurt him, and I convinced myself that I was being noble and sacrificial by carrying this burden alone. But it all boiled down to two things: the big thing was my fear, the smaller thing I didn't want to admit was that I wanted to keep it under wraps "just in case..." I don't think I have ever admitted that to anyone but my H. I am only telling you because I know what it feels to be so torn up but still so wayward at the same time.

Please talk to your H. If you feel you might be so on the edge that you would be a danger to yourself, call a doctor right now and get the quickest appointment you can. Not some "psychobabbly" kind of doctor - a Christian chounselor or a well-reputed psychiatrist. If your family doctor or even gynecologist is a Christian, go to them. Then you will have a safety net if things get really rough after you tell.

I made alot of bad choices and mistakes in the way I handled the affair I had, and there were days I wondered, "Would it had been better if I had just never told him?" That was at first. I know I made the right decision. In Psalm 32, the writer says that when he hid his sin he "wasted away all day long." That is what is happening. Don't let your heart or your marriage waste away.

LC - I have to tell you I came to MB today for a pick me up! Your story could be my story - almost word for word. I have been in and out of an A with OM for over 4 years - same man - I would think some days I couldn't live with out him. The way we were together was magical! I have never felt this way about anyone. But some days I would see my children and realize what pain I was about to cause them, I would end the A - only to start back up again because I did not start NC. 4 weeks ago I left my wonderful job that I absolutely love because the OM is there. (Thanks to a wonderfully understanding boss - once the OM is no longer there I will be able to return.)
Let me also tell you - I kicked my H's best friend out of my house 10 years ago because he was having an A and I told him he was no longer welcome! I have always thought A's were disgusting dreadful people doing disgusting dreadful things.... HMMMMMM - I guess that's me now!
I had your thoughts - that I was in love with OM, I had never loved anyone like I love him - then I found MB (and yes Melody Lane). I got beat up like you have been beaten - believe me it hurt and I was angry at them for passing judgement, then one day it made sense! They were not judging me they were showing me the way.
Today I was pining for my ex-OM, depressed, wondering if I had made the right decision - I came on MB site and read your post - I knew I HAD to hear what everyone had to say to you! I am back on track! You will have many days like that - you will see triggers (places, movies, people) that will make you wonder if you have made the right choice... please please please - remember at that time what everyone here has said - he did not respect you or your marriage. What if you married him? Do you really think he will be different? You can change him? I used to have those fantasies - but the reality is evident! It is soooo hard to keep plugging ahead when you have those great fantasies in your thoughts - I know from experience - but you must! I cannot change my past, but you better believe I am working on changing my future. I read a quote the other day that opened my eyes - "Many aspects of life are given freely, wages, dignity and respect must be earned." I threw them all out the window for my A - it was not worth it! I am working everyday to gain back my dignity and respect of my family and friends.

What Lizzy said.

But could not have forgiven what we did not know about.

Just did some more reading on your post. I like you thought (and was told by a counselor) that you should not "burden" your spouse with telling them of the A. Lots of books you read will tell you the same thing. But lots of books you read will tell you otherwise.
I personally am glad I told my H of my A even though I knew it would crush him and possibly end our M. One week after my admission, the OM called my H (out of the blue) to make sure I was honest with H. Can you believe the nerve? But thank goodness I had been honest! Could you imagine what would have happened if I had not been the one to tell him? Our counselor also said that no one else should know of the A. Well, my darling H had already gone to his family and close friends for support. He instructed me to tell my family or he would. I did! My dignity was ruined (not by him, by my selfish act of having the A!!!!!) although I didn't see it that way at first. I have pulled myself up by my boot straps and am in the process of regaining some of that dignity back - will I ever get it all? Probably not but that is MY fault not his!
You will come to these conclusions eventually. There is lots of help here - I hope you continue posting.

If you haven't read it yet, I thought these links might help you.

Here is the link under "Recovery After An Affair" about Honesty: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

and

"The Policy of Radical Honesty" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Here's an excerpt:


Have you thought more about telling your H the truth?

ps, I thought Mopey's post was so great. I hope you read that one closely.

Hi Lovecommitment.

There are already enough voices on this post. I want to support your re-dedication! Don't let us down!

I'd stay on task if I were you w/ COMPLETE accountability. Your post still reads like your rather FOGGY!!! I'd like to hear you make a more convincing case that it was total BS and there is not a doubt in your mind you did the right thing and that was by no means your soul mate, greatest love, etc...DUDE

Dude - You are correct in that some days are still "foggy" for me but I know from the depths of my being that the OM is not my soul mate, greatest love.... whatever. He is a dirtbag that took advantage of me at a crucial time in my life - I was the dirtbag who allowed him in. I know the "world" we created was complete "fantasy" It was only magical because it did not involve real life. I used to feel those magical feelings about my DH when we were dating - then real life entered - 2 wonderful kids, mortgage, taxes..... I know now I would not exchange any of that real life. I love where I am, thouroughly thrilled that my DH is willing to keep me warts and all. Some days are just harder than others - but I know that with each step those days will be few and far between.

You go girl!! You are earning your life back!!! DUDE

Lizzy2: It does get easier with time. I experienced these episodes where I would miss the OM for about a year and a half after my A ended. It didn't help that I was pregnant with his baby and felt that I had to stay in contact with him (long-distance, since he lives 3000 miles away) because of the baby. When we finally established complete NC almost 2 months ago, it surprised me how quickly those feelings faded. I haven't had a nostalgic moment since about a week after I sent the NC letter.

I'm wondering if the OP is still here. She hasn't said anything in awhile. LoveC, are you still out there?