"She's extremely clear that she doesn't want the kids to know; she said tonight that if we separated and she did ever develop any "real" relationship with him she would wait a YEAR before telling them."

She already has developed a real relationship with him and is already planning the future.

You need to realize, accept and come to grips with that. Then plan accordingly.

ThanksQ. Excellent post. I'm staying and sleeping in my bed and protecting my kids. period.
Now I just need some advice on this exposure concept.
Do yo know she actually wants me to sit down with her and the OM and talk things out? Has anyone ever heard of this??

I know TH, I've been down that road a few times. Changing without being sincere about it. It didn't work and I eventually reverted back to the same selfish person I was. NO, this time I'e decided I don't want to spend the next 40 years of my life as a judgemental dishonest person who only accepts people who are always striving for perfection (like me). I've come to realize that accepting people as they are is more the person I want to be. It has NOT been that long since I really made this change. But after 3 weeks and no faulters, I was feeling pretty confident. I still feel confident; I know I can do this and it will be better for whoever chooses to be around me (I'm doing it for my kids too). I already told her I don't expect her to believe it or even trust me for a long time; I've just asked for a chance - one last chance and if it doesn't work, I'll know I'm simply not worthy of her love. Maybe I fail, but I've never introspected to this degree before and I know I can keep it up. time will tell.
I was so excited to see her at the airport and its like love was there like from a long time ago.
The the bomb dropped with tears and "It's just not there, and oh by the way I talked to OM...." talk about wind out of sails.

I just wanted a chance - that's what we agreed upon in July. But since then the efforts have been all empty due to her ongoing contact with OM that I wasn't aware of.

IGNORE IT!

SHE is the one who wants to pull the threads out of the family tapestry. You want them to remain where they are. If she wants it so badly, SHE can sleep in the office.

YOU refuse to do anything other than work toward recovery.

After you expose, of course.

And yes, she'll be furious. She'll tell you that you've ruined your chances, she was going to give you another chance but now you've ruined it, there's no hope left, she can never forgive you, how could you be so mean, she doesn't even know who you are any more (how ironic)...

Just listen to her, don't say a word, and continue on with your normal routine. And if you have to say anything, just say "I don't talk separation; I talk marriage."

If she says your exposure has made people hate her, you calmly say 'No, your AFFAIR made people upset with you, they don't hate you. They WILL forgive you, if you give up this lunacy and rebuild your marriage and save your family.'

optimism, welcome to MB.

I gotta get back to work, but let me give you one thing to think about:

Your marriage CAN survive your WW's anger at you.
It CANNOT survive her f**king another man.

Can I make it any plainer than that?
Mulan

Actually, I think YOU need to go visit this OM - alone - and tell him you seriously advise him to stay many miles away from your wife. Don't threaten him. Just let him know that things won't go well if you ever find out he's contacted her again.

And then in the same breath, you get on the phone and call his wife(?)/parents/siblings, HER parents/siblings, and your parents/siblings - and your kids. They have to know so that they will understand why their lives have become so crazy - and believe me, they HAVE noticed. Your family is their whole world, so they notice every single little nuance at home.

As for her, just laugh it off. "The three of us talk? Yeah, no, I don't think so. He has no place in this family."

You seriously need to start thinking about moving.

Here is a thread I just thought of, bcboy, his WW also was having an affair with a neighbor. Here's the thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=151933&Number=2094738#Post2094738

Here's an excerpt of ML explaining in the above reference thread the importance of exposure better than I can so I will quote her.

optimism, the others have been giving you great advice. If you want to save your marriage, then you will need to take back the reigns from your wife, the drunk driver. Your wife is the mental equivalent of a falling down drunk right now. So trying to reason with a falling down drunk - or appeasing her will lead to the demise of your marriage.

The best hope you have is to expose the affair and STOP appeasing her. Don't cooperate with her separation schemes. If she wants some "space" then clean out a corner of your garage. But, for Gods sake, don't abandon your family in their time of need. You are ALL THEY HAVE RIGHT NOW.

Standing up for your family means you do not cooperate with any schemes to harm the marriage. It means calmly and firmly getting on the phone and exposing this affair in one day. Make up a list of exposure targets and start calling. If the OM is married, start with the OM wife. Call his parents if you have their #. Get the word out to everyone everywhere.

Set your children down and tell them all about your wifes affair and how much it is hurting you and your family. Give them the name of the scumbag who is trying to wreck their family. She can explain to the kids herself why she is putting her selfish interests before their family.

Do this all in the same day so it has a tsunami effect on the affairees.

This is how you will save your marriage. Exposure is the start of RECOVERY. While it is not a guarantee, it gives you the best chance to save it and protects your kids.

Additionally, the OM needs a visit from you in person. Cause as much trouble as possible in his stinky little life. He will likely dump your wife because she is not worth the trouble.

Thanks for posting those, SusieQ, you are awesome!

Do not move out of the house or bed room.

Let WW move, and without the kids.

Expose WW parents and her siblings, OMW, and your kids, do so with out warning WW.

Tell her no thank you. You have no reason to go anywhere. If she wants to separate you can't stop her. The reason she is asking for this is because she wants to bring the OM in while you are gone.

I am still catching up on your thread, but is this OM married and does his wife know?

NO, don't let her read anything from here. Don't bring her here.


You are going to have to get out of there if you want this to work. You cannot hope to end this affair as long as you live right next to him. Can you rent your house out and move somewhere else?

Can you explain why you are sure of this? I am not at all.

She had a physical affair before and I'd recognize the symptoms. She would feel too guilty and let me know eventually. She has been lying about some things but I strongly suspect this is not one of them. Honestly she's not really physically attracted to him. He's not her type.
Of course if I find out I was wrong we have a whole other kettle of fish; but let's face it this is bad enough.

UPDATE:
I picked her up from work today and she tells me that she has told him to stop calling her. I know she did, but I don't know how long it will last. Do I still go forward with the exposure plan?? I told my son and her best friend who she is going to visit now (she's got a social work practice and is a pretty good listener). I told my sister but can't reach her father.
I also,before she told me about the phone call sent a very raucus text to OM stating "do not call my wife again, scumbag" etc.etc.
If I see him on the street, I will re-iterate the sentiment. I will also continue to "remind" him I meant it and basically make the whole think uncomfortable.
Too bad if he hits me - ...restraining order.

OP, I can assure you that you are wrong now. She is trying to get you out of the house every other night so she can bring him in. That is so they can sleep together.

If you don't believe me that they already sleeping together, take some of her panties out of the hamper after you are away at work during the day and test them for semen. here

Is the OM married?

OP, does he come in your house when you are at work? How does she communicate with him? Via landline? Cellphone? Computer?

Your children should be told regardless - BY YOU, with no forewarning.

Is the OM married?

My first thought is that she told you this BECAUSE OF your text to the OM. Even so, talk is cheap with a WS, it means nothing. WS's are liars who will say anything to protect the affair. You can't go by what she says, only by what she DOES.

ok, if the affair is really over, is she willing to send a no contact letter to the OM? TODAY? Is she willing to do what it takes to repair the marriage, starting with moving away? What is her plan?