That comment struck me as strange. Does that mean you choose you family over J? If so I think that is a problem and there is no way he will not realize that he is second, or third or fourth in your priorities. I'm pretty sure the M relationship is supposed to be first.

mmmm, I know 6yl.

This is why I struggle with it. I think actually what I mean is that J doesn't always come first but it is based on need.

For example today: We had a mess up of plans (sis was having our 2 for the day, we forgot to leave them the car seats and the car was at mum and dads).We were both going to see mum and dad when we picked up the car but because I then had to go and get car seats, I went earlier than plaaned so that the kids could go out. J decided not to come and stay in bed.

I was goingt to stay 30 mins and then come home and do some gardening and fix up DDs b'day present with J. Unfortunately I'd been there about 20mins when mum turned to dad and said "Why don't you pop to the shops now while ST's here".

I phoned J to let him know and he was absolutely fine with this. However, another day he might have not been in agreement. If he had not been in agreement I wouldn't have taken any notice and I would have stayed anyway.

So, in this case he did come 2nd and would always come 2nd. Is this really unreasonable when mum and dad need so much support at the moment?

Is it really possible to always put your spouse first? I hope that we would have POJAd if there was an issue. We need to find some time to work on POJA in theory. It isn't something that we've really worked on yet.

And the fact that you are aware of this is what should help you to keep these new boundaries intact, so this is great.
I've too learned about my own boundaries, although I didn't have an A, I trusted myself too much and never really gave a thought to how it affected my H.

Hey ST,

I bumped a thread on boundries for you in QG2, its called 'Mulan on Boundries"

Thanks Lil, very helpful.

I'll get J to look at it too.

I love that J is participating in bits and pieces, in what you're doing here, ST. I think that's awesome.

I had a similar experience, ST. A couple months after D-day I went sans H (he decided at the last minute he wasn't feeling well) to watch a friend's husband's band play at a pretty low-key bar. (H and I promised we would accompany her there.) I met her and a few of the other spouses of the band there. There was a man friend of theirs whom I had met several years before who was there, who seemed to go out of his way to talk to me. I found myself a bit uncomfortable and kept mentioning "my husband" since this man had met H before.

I kept checking my brain to make sure I wasn't sending any inappropriate body signals. I danced with a group of women and had one beer. Finally at one point he asked me to dance and I said no thank you. I didn't feel unsafe and was not at all attracted to him so my boundaries weren't necessarily tested. (I remember him as being quite a jerk.) But I was highly tuned-in to what he was up to, what was going on, and I didn't want to deal with it. I realized I didn't have to so I said my good-byes and left. I was there all of 30 minutes.

Good on you for paying attention.

Hi st,

I promised you an email days ago and I'm sorry that I have not sent one. I keep getting only a few minutes to do personal stuff from work, and my hotmail account has not let me in for long enough to write.

This thread is thriving now, and I'm glad to read all the good advice you are getting. I'm trying to take some of it myself!

I'll write later in the week.

Link for J boundaries -Mulan

I was thinking of you today SugarCane, hope you are ok.

ST

I am very okay thank, st. However, what about you? I just read L4's thread and saw this:

2263315 - Today at 04:10 AM Re: Hubby now cares. Should I tell of the A? [Re: lildoggie]
staytogether
Member

What was going on with you at 4.10 AM?

HI Sugar cane. I was definitely not up at 4am and things are ticking along I think is the best way to describe it. I have put emotion on hold at the moment am looking at life as an outsider til the pressure is off a bit. Unfortunately no time to post really at the mo, but I have noticed that the clocks are skewed I think I need to go in and reset the time diff on my account - I guess you may need to too

hmm, are you describing a time bomb or a slow but steady pace?

The clock is whacked here too. I'm not sure how to fix it.

Hey ST,

you have a huge amount of rehash to get us all up to date again.

Hope you didnt ahve big plans
J/K, J and the kids come first

Loving you, ST.

Oh boy!

Well - i reckon there's an awful lot gone that is definitely best gone.

We get a bit of a fresh start I reckon, and beautifully timed as well. I am gutted that I have lost the last 5 months of journalling.

So, today we go away to the coast for a short break (on the house insurance - they're still not ready for us to move back in).

On our return we will all move back in together.

J attended am emotional coping skills course - one of the exercises they did was to rephrase some sentences positively and he has been able to make use of this and is doing it. Which is ENORMOUS for me. I feel able to make suggestions and talk to him.

I haven't seen a flicker of anger since last time we were away - a month ago but I know he has been in situations that would usually have triggered him.

When we move home next week - it will be to a "new house" and a proper fresh start. We have agreed that we will spend our time making it feel like new. We're lucky that we are having people to redecorate our hall and bathroom under the insurance (�20 000 me and one of the flooring guys estimated the final cost at).

I'm applying for a new job (preschool music teacher) which will involve travelling - when I mentioned the job to J he offered solutions to getting round our transport issues and made offers to ask his boss to ask for flexible working (to fit his train times) - he is entitled (if he can show that it won't impact the company) to ask as we have G under 6.

Kids have coped really well all though obviously stressed and have been v poorly over the last 10 days. G is really looking forward to moving home!


It is a beautiful morning here and I have a fantastic view out of the hotel window:

The Cathedral spire, striking against the vivd blue sky, surrounded by autumnal orange and yellow trees only reaching the base of the tower and in the foreground the river with at least 10 swans that I can see, and jacobs sheep grazing in the water meadow.

Look at me - I'm all relaxed now and I have to check out of this hotel in less than an hour - not packed up yet.


Lil, I like your new sig line very muchly.

Hope you guys have a weekend as great as the one we're going to have!

Actually that has gone some way to restore the bit of my thread that I will most miss, which was the bit where I sat outside the church that I was Christened at that evening when my world was falling apart back in August.

So, so, much gone. All those analogies all those kicks up the whatsit. But I remember so many of those wonderful words and experiences that you guys shared with me and gave to me - they are ingrained.

Oh and ds had a b'day too whilst you've all been gone! sig change.

Hi ST,
You sound very good, almost calm-like, ...... I'm so happy for you.
Good thing on the job, it sounds like it's right up your alley, with the music
and little kids.
Take care you!

ST I love your new sigline too.

You sound at peace and happy, I am so pleased for you.

Prayers for the coming weeek for settled times ahead.

Hi V,

How have you been? I've got lots of catching up with other people to do, that's for sure.


Just a quickie - J and the kids are in the pool (I'm at the side - it was my job to finish packing while they came for a swim).

We have had a great weekend - we have been so lucky with the weather again - on the beach in a tshirt at the end of october!

I have been wanting to hold J and he feels good, I am actually excited about him moving home. I don't think I could have imagined being excited about him moving back.

DD seems a lot more chilled with him (not quite holding his hand though).


THanks for those prayers lil, we so need them. Please. We can do this.