Why did you not expose to more people?

Hi catperson,

A lot of her "friends" are young or people they have met on vacation or old work colleagues.

I actually chose ok, I think. I found her cousin, her birth mum and her adoptive mum (I think).

I certainly didn't want to come across as crazy or malicious.

BTW, I have received a few e-mails from OW since. I will start a separate thread ask if Schoolbus or anyone else can help with interpretations.

Ok. I e-mailed 3 of OW's friends on FB. Luckily, I got her cousin, her birth mother and her adoptive mother. I said that I am the wife of WS, the married man OW is having an adulterous affair with. OW knows that I want to save my marriage but it is proving difficult with her continued presence in it. If you know OW parents please could you forward this message on and ask them to contact me so that I can ask for their help directly.

WS called me today and his response is on my thread.

OW has sent me 4 e-mails. One combines 2 with a bit more.
Here it is:

You are making a fool of yourself and if there was any remote way WS would go back to you he certainly would not now. We are happy. I am sorry you are so unhappy. I feel in love with him way before I knew about you. I have told him I would let him alone to go back to you but he insists that even if I wasn't around he wouldn't go back to you.

Like I said in the subject..everyone knows about the situation already..so no new news to anyone.

Like my cousin said my parents are old and very sick. There is no reason to speak with them and upset them or excite them. I will probably be telling my mom of what you have been doing. And yes she knows about you. If you ever try to contact my parents or so though, you will regret it. I promise that.

He has told me that he cheated on you constantly. I have heard stories from the friends that you contacted before we came to London. Too bad you treated him and his family so badly that he didn't want to be with you because he is with me every minute of the day besides when he is at work. Sometime I even try to get him to go out without me and he won't. Stop causing him so much hassle. You are not get anywhere.

These e-mails not only went to my friends and family but these are his friends as well. You have embarrased him. This should be between the two of you. Not our friends. You have made a total fool of yourself. Everyone knows of the situation and really knows what a psycho you are now!

Second e-mail sent 12 hours later (so the first was 12 midnight and the second 12 midday their time):

Ok BS... I read the message to my mom and she has no desire to speak with you. She sees how happy WS is with me and how good he treats me. What are you trying to get out of this besides making enemies with everyone?

You are pathetic and I actually do feel sorry for you but you crossed a line. I hate to see what you are putting him through. I have a great relationship with my ex. We just weren't good together for a number of personal reasons. You will never have that now with him. He has been trying to be nice and this is what you do to him.

How can you tell if someone in an affair is lying?

Their lips are moving (or their fingers are typing).

Exposure is your friend. She's angry because exposure is affecting her relationship with your husband. Treat everything she tells you as a lie and you'll have better luck understanding what's actually going on.

Exposure is working. All waywards say exactly what your husband is saying in response to exposures. It's "vindictive" and "mean" and "breaks agreements we've made" and "cruel" and "heartless" and "stupid" and...

I could go on with the negative things my wife said every time she learned of a new exposure. You are NONE OF THOSE THINGS. You are a wife trying to save her marriage using one of the few known, effective tools that might have some influence to save your wayward husband from himself.

Hey Barnboy, you were quick to respond to that!

There is threatening language in her first e-mail. Is there anything I can do with that?

I don't feel a need to respond to OW but I am wondering whether to forward them to WS. I am sure that he is unaware that she sent them. Any thoughts on this?

Why is she so worked up, if everyone already knows? hmmm

To be fair, he did cheat on me a lot in London (found out this April) but he has said to me that it was nothing I did wrong. He said even today that this is not about me at all. He has a problem. It is as if he is self medicating with her. I suspect that the reason he has her around constantly is because he doesn't know what he would do left to his own devices. I am seriously concerned for his long term well-being.

Keep track of the threatening language in a dossier in a safe place; you may need it if she follows through on her threat. Exposure to her parents is, apparently, what she fears most, and should be performed post-haste. Your husband and OW are already aware they are in an affair, so additional exposure to the two of them is rather pointless. I would say just ask yourself before sending anything "will this drive them apart or not?" If it will, use it; if not, file it away in your "affair file" in case you need it later.

She's so worked up because IT HURTS. I spoke to OM after learning of my wife's affair, and he told me "There's no point you talking to her anyway. She wouldn't care if she knew."

SO UNTRUE. His wife was CRUSHED by the affair, and were it not for her intervention on their end it would have taken us much longer to get into recovery. Exposure to the other person's loved ones in a way that will get them on your side often works well, but if they don't have a strong marriage ethic it may not work at all or may backfire. At least one of my in-laws regards marriage as a formalization of a long-term relationship, and divorce just another breakup like in high school. Some families are that way.


Ahh, you left out the "serial adulterer" part. Your best bet is probably counseling with the Harleys. He's moved out, this is far from his first affair, and they have been affairs with strong emotional attachments, not just one-night stands. Your best bet may actually be Plan B if you've already done some Plan A.

Ignore the words from OW, though. She's lying. I don't have to know her to know this, because THEY ALWAYS LIE. An affair requires lies; it cannot live without it.

Reality check: they both hate exposure, surprise, surprise, and now not everyone in their new happy little circle looks on them with favor.

This A is doomed, but agree with Barnboy...to have a shot at saving your M, the serial adultery needs to be addressed professionally before you even consider letting him recover with you.

You sure you want this guy back? He sounds really messed up, a serial chaeter.
I'd ignore her requests to desist. She maybe a product of inbreeding, however, where her family has only recently begun waliking upright. So, they may be of no help.
Regardless , it seems the exposure has made her uncomfortable enough to go to the trouble of contacting you and trying to get you to stop, both by way of a veiled threat and by trying to convinve you that folks are thinking poorly of you, due to your exposing.
One thing to keep in mind re the attempt to emabarass you: this woman is obviously not very bright. Her sentence structure and grammar are like that of a dim bulb. So, the folks she associates with are , most likely, of the same ilk. Who cares what a group of morons thinks about you?
I would not be surprised if they communicate with each other using a series of guttural clicks and grunts.

Barnboy: Thank you again. I have done some coaching with Steve and it was very worthwhile.
Yes, WS is a serial cheater but I believe this to be the first emotional affair, simply because of his incredible change in character / personality after he met her. Plus, piecing together the time frame, I think the ONS started about 17 to 18 years into our relationship so something must have triggered that. They got out of control during the year that he has been working abroad.

Neak: That's funny. I needed the laugh, although contrary to OW deluded opinion, I am not unhappy. I'm kinda sad at the situation but that's different. I am happy within myself and with who I am as a person. Maybe she doesn't know that there is a difference.

Oh yes, definately. But he has admitted to me (and only me) that he has addiction problems so we would both know what would need to be done for recovery.

Zelmo: Thank you also for the much needed belly laughs. See my earlier post for why I want him back. He is a good person who has not always been this way. He has lost his way and needs help to get back on the path.
You are correct. She is not bright. She has no job and is bankrupt. I'm guessing that Financial Support is a big EN being met by my WS.

And here is another one just received: (she has way too much time on her hands)

What else do you have???? Do you want my mom's number? Do you to call my mom who is recovered from a major surgery and my dad who has altzheimers??? I will give it to you if you feel that is going to get WS and you back together....but its not! WS could probably give it to you. We just had dinner yesterday with them.

You have me so pissed off right now and crossed the line contacting my family and I don't know when I am going to be done going off on you....because you deserve it at this point. Accusing me of stealing your friends. (I mentioned to WS that OW seemed to be adding my friends as hers on FB). Are you kidding me? Do you know how long Paul and I go back. He is just trying to be nice and never causes prob with anyone cuz he is like that. So here is the difference between you and me. 1) You have no social tack 2) Im dealing with you because like my cousin said I am an adult. Im not scared for you to contact anyone else.....Go right ahead. Again they will just know what a pathetic psycho you are.

Yes, he needs to be chemically castrated.

And another: (referring to her FB page)

wasn't completely open....now my profile is completely open... happy reading!

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a reply but I wonder if there's some way to get a message to her that she has wwwwwaaaaayyy too much time on her hands. LOL

Obviously this is really bothering her or she would be ignoring you. Actually one thing that would probably really get to her is if you said that this A isn't about her at all--it never is. It's always about the WS/BS.

Travelmonkey, those are HILARIOUS!! You clearly hit the target!! I can just imagine her spitting fury! You have my full permission to send her my favorite bunny rabbit :

Yes, and she does say in her first mail "This should be between the two of you." I agree! So why doesn't she stay out of it? lol

I would still like to forward these to WS. Does anyone think that would be a bad idea?

Also interesting is that she says "Im not scared for you to contact anyone else.....Go right ahead." But she must be a teeny weeny bit scared because I just checked her FB page and she has hidden all her friends. Luckily, I wrote down all their names ages ago

MelodyLane: Thank you! I'm loving the bunny. But wouldn't that be a bit of a lovebuster? Ha ha