Ya'all can argue points about what experts "think".

But I lived through the REAL DEAL.

My wife exposed to our then 6yr old, 8 yr old, 10 yr old, 13 yr old, and 17yr old children.

It was the best thing she could have done to protect our children and also help end the Affair.

These kids, especially the youngest ones, hammered me with cutting questions.

Like; Daddy, why do you have a girlfrien when you are married to mommy!

or, Daddy, did you know that God hates divorce!

or, Daddy, I thought you said you would never leave us or get divorced. Is it OK to lie about things like this Daddy!

or, Mommy said she is fighting for your marriage, why arn't you fighting too!

The list of questions were exhausting, and they were honest and right from the heart of my 6 yr old. He knew the truth, and it was one of the few things that cut through the fog and kept me awake at night, even when I was at my worse.

My children helped battle the affair too and are part of the recovery process as well. SMB, exposed out of love and refused to withhold truth from our kids during a time that every word out of my mouth was a lie/half truth. Our kids needed a lighthouse of truth and my wife refused to let them down.

I only wish I had never let any of them down as well!

Experts can debate all they want, but it doesn't take the place of living it as we did! Exposure saved our marriage, our family and my life!

I thank my wife everyday for being honest with our kids!
And so do our Kids!

For some reason, Betrayed Spouses always feel like they must protect their cheating spouse from having the children know the truth.

Why would you do this?? Lying to the kids and hiding the affair from them does NOT protect THEM, but it certainly does protect the cheaters and let them enjoy their cheating in peace and quiet.

Believe me - the kids know something is drastically wrong in the marriage. If you lie to them and say something weaselly like, "We just grew apart" or "We're just not getting along right now," you are only giving the kids the idea that marriages just die for no reason and there's nothing you can do about it.

Telling young children, "Mommy has a boyfriend and married people are not supposed to do that" is both age appropriate and instantly removes the vague stupid idea that this "just happened."

It also makes sure that the kids know perfectly well that it was not anything they did that caused the trouble.

And if the kids are angry and upset with the WS - well, GOOD. This is what is called a Natural Consequence of having an affair. And one thing you learn around here is to never protect a WS from the Natural Consequences of their own selfish, destructive actions.

Tell the kids the truth. And if WS dares to whine that "you're turning the kids against me!" just cooly stand your ground and insist that you did no such thing. It was THE AFFAIR that made the kids angry and upset and you were not the one having an affair.

Stand your ground. Do not let the WS bully and intimidate you into meekly lying to your children so the cheaters can be protected. Think about which lesson you want your children to learn.
Mulan

Not to thread jack, but my little ones still don't know. I told the teenager, but my 7 and 9 yo don't know. The As are long over. I wonder when we should tell them. Its bound to come out in the next few years as EVERYONE else knows due to nuclear exposure. Should we wait til they ask us what happened? Sounds like tst would be in favor of it. DUDE

Thanks for the vote of confidence, ArmyMama.

S&A, here is what Dr Harley says about HOW to end an affair in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?:

here

Here is the no contact letter he suggests from Surviving an Affair, this should be written together and mailed together:

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Like ML said before..We are on the Marriage builders Website, I would think that that is the program and principles that should be followed.

Unfortunately, your son can not be friends with OW's son any longer. Do they attend the same school? When you expose to OW's H you should mention this as well so he understands and can explain it to his son as well. Don't believe anything out of WH's mouth and do not warn him or OW about exposure.

Good luck.

I'm no expert but I agree with telling the kids in an age appropriate way.
My dad was a real abusive drunk and I could never figure out why he was so cruel to us all. Finally, someone told me he was a drunk, a mean drunk. It helped me to sort things out.

So just exactly how does Dr. Harley handle it when a teen decides to suck start a 12guage when they find out?

Does he chalk it up to bad parenting, or just a defective child?

Pariah,

If a child committed suicide, it would have been because of the affair.

Why would you be so cruel here as to imply it would be the BSs fault?

My husband found out about his mom's affair AT SCHOOL!! The OW's son told him in a joking way...hey, we're going to be step-brothers.

If the BS won't tell the truth, they leave it in the hands of a WS, or the OP, or some other person who has absolutely NO concern for the child.

This type of information should come directly from a loving parent.

shockandawe,

How are you feeling today?

My own mother beat me to the point I had staples holding my skull together when she found out about my father's ONS.

I know EXACTLY what to expect.



There's no such thing as a loving parent when adultery is involved.

"When they find out" what?

1. The truth upfront
2. That they were lied to; or
3. the truth after years of having been told nothing (especially if they blamed themselves all those years)?

The later two scenarios would, IMO, more likely result in your completely made up extreme hypothetical with such imaginary fragile child. Regardless, it's still the parent's decision on how to handle it and how to deliver the truth in an age and, I suppose, temperment appropriate manner. The "truth" doesn't kill people...whereas the facts actually could I suppose. Did this happen? Can you point to a real life example of where and when this really happened?

I also believe it would be "chalked up" to another unfortuante consequence of adultery and divorce. The wayward spouse would likely experience a lifetime of pointed guilt for their nefarious actions. The exposing betrayed spouse would also experience a lifetime of guilt...but isn't that the experience of EVERY parent of suicidal children? It would be a tragedy and thus, a weak and insensitive example to use when trying to take a cheap shot.

Mr. Wondering

**edit**

His mom caught him before he could go through with it.

I have it all on audio still and HER blaming him for the affair discovery.

I already had to post up her trying to have me killed to prove myself vindicated from the naysayers.

Pariah, that is out of line.

Do you blame your mother for doing this or the person that exposed to your mother that your dad had a ONS?



Wow...not my experience at all. Did you actually stop loving your children?

Mr. W

I am sorry you had to go through that....I try and make sure that my DS knows that I still love his dad and that his dad is a good person that is doin a bad thing...I make sure that he also knows that his father loves him very much and luckily my WH sees DS a lot.

My DS is angry at what WH has done to us, but he loves his dad very much...and I make sure I tell him its Okay to be mad at what his dad is doing, but that doesnt mean you don still love him, because I still love him. I think this has helped DS adjust as well as he can to this horrible situation.

He tell his dad that we still love him and want him home...WH usu says "someday, someday". I think that is more damaging than anything, but IDK.

I just know that little kids usu think that stuff is their fault and I in no way wanted him to think that it had anything to do with him...and I believe telling him the truth helped confirm that to him.

He hasn't spoken to me in three years after telling me he hated my guts.

Everything isn't unicorns and rainbows like you are trying to make it out to be.

Well, I happen to like unicorns and rainbows.

Ya know, my daughter the other night reminded me of a story about rainbows. A couple of times, when she was little I would ask her to really describe in detail what a rainbow she (we) saw looked like because adults couldn't see them...only kids.

Still brings a smile to my face.

Godspeed Pariah,

Mr. Wondering

I'd like to chime in on the subject of what/how to tell the children. In fact I agree with both Melody and Greengables (how's that for a bit of fence occupation!)

I told my children the truth about the A towards the end of Plan A. I dragged my feet but was finally convinced by the good people of MB that it was the right thing to do.

I agree wholeheartedly with Melody and Dr Harley that children should be told the truth, in an age-appropriate way, about infidelity. This is because lies and secrets are very destructive (as we all know - for most of us BS's it's worse than the sex) especially in childhood. Also children need to know that they have at least one parent that they can turn to for the truth. They trust you for that and that is a trust you should never betray.

However, and this is where I agree with Greengables, I think it is wrong to impose a particular reaction or response on the children. Children are neither responsible for the marriage breakup nor for the recovery of it as tst seemed to imply. They are outside the problem and should not be forced to make judgements and choices between parents.

IMO, you should give your children the truth but allow them to follow that truth when they feel ready to do so. This may be years later. Do not expect anything of them. This is not their battle even if they suffer from the fallout.

The difference between GG's situation and that of many other posters is that her parents divorced and did not enter recovery. If the M does not recover and goes to D then the child needs to be able to continue loving the WS in the unconditional way they do until THEY decide that they can make a judgement that allows an acceptable compromise between the head and the heart. Any BS who forces a child to make that judgement too early is forcing the child into a heart-wrenching situation and is risking their own relationship with their child. The truth should be given to them like a gift with no obligation on them to wear it immediately. It's there for them to use if and when they choose to do so.

One example: This summer, WH and OW stayed in my PIL's holiday home with the children. He had moved out in May, lying about there being any contact between them. When I rang my PIL's house to speak to the children it was like a punch to the stomach to discover that OW was there and fully accepted. My children were surrounded by adults who implied to them that this situation was OK. When they got back, my little one (only just turned 5) revealed to me that WS and OW had been sleeping in 'our' bed, the one we had shared during the holidays of the past 20 years. I said almost instinctively 'But that's so wrong.' She said 'But why, Mom, you weren't there!'
I let it go. I can see that she hasn't got the processing power just yet to assimilate this information. But it will come.

I think I need to stay stong and be a good example to my children - actions speak louder than words, after all. The last thing I want is for her to be torn even more by this situation. I trust her to have a good moral compass eventually but she can't assimilate everything at 5 and if I expected her to, I would be hurting her immensely. I will always tell the truth to my children but I won't push it down their necks and I certainly won't impose a certain course of actions emanating from that truth. That truth will sit there until they are ready to cope with it. I think the problem for GG might be not that she was given the truth but that she was expected to use it in a certain way before she was able ie forced to choose which of her parents was the 'good' one.

WOW! What a smack in the face to the many loving parents on this board who are dealing with adultery.

Clearly your mom did not fit into that category.

She was the exception, Pariah.