I have explained it to my boys like this-

Visitation with your dad is your time to spend with him and his time to spend with you. Since your dad chose to move out you don't see him that much. This is your special time together and is not to be shared with your dad's girlfriend and/or her kids. You can explain that other family members are OK, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc..

WH will try to say that well since we share our time when Grandma comes here it is that same difference if OW is here too- NO, NO, NO!!! If/when WH brings them home early, doesn't see them as scheduled b/c he chose to be with OW, you tell your boys that this happened because of their father's choice to be with OW.

And you back it up with, what your dad is doing is wrong, married people do not have girlfriends/boyfriends, even the judge and law guardian/advocate recognize this.

Here's the letter I wrote to deal with this. I haven't sent it yet because I'm giving my kids a chance to deal with this directly with their father before I intervene. I thought it might have more impact on their father if he heard it from their own mouths. I don't think they ever told their father how they felt about all of this. They said they felt they had to go along with it. When I gave them permission to speak up, they said they would the next time this situation came up.

"It has been brought to my attention that our sons have expressed to you on many occasions that they do not want your girlfriend to participate in your activities with them. I was told that you insist she be included and went so far as to tell them that her feelings would be hurt if you were to not include her. DS also mentioned that you had once told him that she had been so upset at being excluded that she cried.

It is totally inappropriate for you to use guilt and manipulation to coerce the children into doing something they are uncomfortable with or don't want to do. The Children�s emotional well-being is first and foremost. Is appears you are choosing the needs of your girlfriend over the needs of our children and this is neither right nor acceptable.

I am asking that you please listen to the children and not include the girlfriend in activities that they don't want her to participate in. The intent is that they spend time with their father.

Please respect and accept the children�s wishes, I do not wish them to be harmed in any way. If necessary, I will discuss and take advice from my lawyer to ensure that the children are protected from further emotional harm."

Thoughts?

Meh, I don't like it 4MB. This is why:
YOU are putting the kids in the middle again.
Don't put it on THEIR discomfort.
I also would not put it in writing, as this is all discoverable as "alienation of affection."
If you want to tell H that the children should not be exposed to skanky, do that and leave it at that.
Then, tell the kids if skanky comes around, they have your permission to completely ignore her. If H tries to discipline them for it THEN you step in big time.
There may be no law against being an amoral SOB, but there sure is no law that the kids have to be respectful to the skank.
I forget--are any of your H's family members supportive of you still? I seem to remember that most are "accepting" of the situation. If any are supportive, maybe you can get them to intervene, too?
Plus, you tell your sons that the skank and WH BOTH need to do a lot more crying. THAT will let the air out of the A.

A slight edit - see what you think:

"It has come to my attention that our sons have expressed to you on many occasions that they do not want your Mistress to participate in your activities with them. I was told that you insist she be included, and went so far as to tell them that her feelings would be hurt if you were to not include her. DS also mentioned that you had once told him that she had been so upset at being excluded that she cried.

"It is totally inappropriate for you to use guilt and manipulation to coerce the children into doing something they don't want to do. The Children�s emotional well-being is first and foremost. Choosing the wishes of your Mistress over the needs of our children is entirely unacceptable.

"I fully expect that you will listen to the children and not include your Mistress when they are visiting you. The intent is that they spend time with their father. They are under no obligation whatsoever to spend time with their father's Mistress.

"I do not wish our sons to be harmed any more than they already have been. If necessary, I will discuss and take advice from both my lawyer and a child psychologist to ensure that the children are protected from further emotional harm."

A bit shorter and more to the point. WS have a notoriously short attention span.

Be ready for him to insist that the children are not being harmed by his girlfriend, the separation, the impending divorce, etc etc etc. It's the WS mantra.

Be prepared for him to get nasty over this, but don't let him bully you into backing down. Put on your [censored]-kicking boots and stand up for your sons. They are the most important thing right now.
Mulan

Nah, won't work. You're just the [censored] who makes his life miserable. And you put the kids up to it.

If I were you, I would ask his parents to tell him. He won't answer to anyone else, at least they might be able to guilt him a bit.

But I still say the kids have to learn to speak up. Don't be upset if they don't do it this time - it takes a LOT of courage to say that to your dad. And don't make them feel like they have to lie to you to cover their 'failure.' Tell them you wouldn't be surprised if they couldn't do it.

THEN start role-playing with them so they can practice exactly what they want to say. Pretend to be him, and interrupt them, give excuses, guilt them, everything you think the POS WH would do to them to keep them under control. Let them practice what to do in EACH instance, so they'll have an answer ready ("Dad, this is MY turn to talk, please don't interrupt me.").

Child experts will tell you this - role-playing - is KEY to enabling them to feel strong and good and do what they need to do.

Take the kids to therapy as much as possible. Let them learn that it is OK to speak up when people are doing bad things. In fact, it is NOT OK to remain silent when people are doing bad things like this, and they have your full permission to say things to the skank like, "why do you want to break up my family?" "Why do you expect me to be nice to me when you are helping my dad ruin our lives?"
Guilt cuts both ways, my friend.
Arm them.

*BUMP*

4myboys- How are you and your boys doing?