No, he's not married. no kids. not much family except a couple of loser brothers who aren't around much.

I haven't read enough to know exactly what a "no contact letter" is (besides the obvious)? - is there a contract that goes along with this? Do I write one also?

ML
She doesn't know I texted the OM, yet.
I believe she really did tell him not to call her again. But I don't believe it will last any substantial length of time.

If you had read a little more here, more threads, you'd see that people very often, if not nearly always, affair down. That means they pick people way beneath their standards.

You are harming your family to believe this.

Wow, if you believe that, you are in for a WORLD of trouble. She 'called it off' EXACTLY to pacify you, so you would leave OM alone. They will now just hide it better.

Which is why you HAVE to tell your children, so they can keep an eye out for him.

Stop being so naive.

huh? how do you know this? This is not believable.

Here is the no contact letter. But it will of no effect whatsoever if you live next door. She will be triggered every day she wakes up.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


"My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I'll try Cat, I'll try.
You might be right, but I'll take some chances with that.
I've told both kids, her best friends, her father, and my sister. Her mother will call me soon.
I just told them I wanted them on board and knowing what was going on in an effort to make it more difficult to carryon.

I'm reading as much as I can Cat. I didn't know about the "below the standards thing" - I have to have SOME trust, but I will be wary, I promise.

No, thank you for the material!! I have pasted that one from bcboy's thread a few times now and I am glad you don't mind.

OP, do these people plan on speaking to your wife? Somehow she needs to know that she has been exposed. If they don't call her, you will need to tell her.

What did you tell the kids? Do they know who the OM is? What was their response?

That would be foolish to "trust" an unworthy person, OP. Trust is absolutely unwarranted and DANGEROUS here.

I would be very surprised if this hadn't turned into a PA. That's a pretty long EA to not turn PA and additionally they have had plenty of opportunity being neighbors.

The reason this should matter to you is typically the WS is more entrenched in a PA than an EA...

Please listen to what these folks are telling you. You cannot trust ANYTHING she says.

Have you exposed to any of the Hs of these neighbors in this tightly knit group? I don't think most men would want this guy sniffing around their wives so maybe one or two will put the OM on high alert that he better watch his step. If you're lucky they will outright shun him.

I told my son 13 what was going on and that we were all going to try to get through the whole thing as best as possible, that he would always be safe and loved and protected. Daughter 8, a little less specific but that Mommies make mistakes and we don't judge her or love her less. I told them both it's very important for them to learn that it's not okay for a mommy or a daddy to have a special friend when their already married.

What's done is done, but in any future conversations I would not say either of these things:


I would have left that part out. Your children do need to judge people in life...we all need to and do. That is setting them up for some bizarre PC notion that your children should accept unacceptable behavior no matter what it is...as well as telling them to shut up about it.


A special friend? Drop this phrase from your vocabulary when dealing with adultery. Your children have special friends like Matthew at school who has been a classmate for 7 yrs or Susie who comes over for a pajama party. POSOM is not a friend. Your kids will wonder what is wrong with special friends like Matthew and Susie when you use the same term to describe a terrorist.

" it's not okay for a mommy or a daddy to have a special friend when their already married."

This is hiding the truth.

It's not okay for a mommy to have a boy friend or for a daddy to have a girl friend when they are married. Mommy has a boy friend and is going out on dates with him.

The simple truth. No graphic details.

optimism, did you tell them the TRUTH? I don't see the truth in any of this. Have the kids been told the TRUTH? What you say here is very confusing.

WOW! you guys are brutal!
I was trying to temper the explanation for the situation to the kids due to my belief (and I have heard this from child psychologists) that a child naturally Imbues criticized characteristics unto themselves; so I have always been careful to criticize or put down my wife to them.

But I see you're points that they need to know what REALLY happened and it's only fair to them to understand the true details of the situation.
opti

RE original thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2265374&page=1

Well, I did the intervention. I called everyone including all her family about the EA she's been carrying on; with some bad results. She didn't appreciate it one bit.
But, what's worse is that we sat down me her and my son, and started talking and she started in with "we've been having some trouble lately, and right now, I'm the one that doesn't want to be married anymore."
Well, I couldn't help myself. I piped in (in a calm logical tone) that married people have to be honest with each other and that 'your mother has not been honest with me about the affair she's been having with the neighbor." Of course a full discussion ensued including all the tears and "how could you say that to our son?" I said because it's true and he deserves to know the truth.
She continues to deny that it's an affair because it's "only an occasional conversation" but I still maintain that since it's behind my back and the text message history gets deleted, there's something being hidden.

As for the intervention "you've been calling all my friends and telling them I'm having an affair - how could you humiliate me like that? You're the cruelest person and I could never be married to you anymore." I do feel a little bit bad about it; her reputation is bad with her friends and family.

I told her she had been lying to me about being in contact with him and she stated "see, if i tell you everything, this is what happens - that's why I can't be honest!" - is this a normal type of catch 22 for the WW offending spouse?

It looks like we're heading for divorce. She hates me and will never forgive me for revealing her actions to our son. I also don't feel I can ever trust her again. She's won't admit any wrong-doing, only that the relationship was off course in the first place and has been for a long time (she just coincidentally came to that conlcusion on the OM entered the picture) She continually poo-poo's techniques like in the MB philosophy andt he only way I would ever get back to her again would be if she agreed to adhere to the principles of PJA etc.
I have a meeting scheduled with a lawyer on Tuesday. -see you on the divorce boards!

optimistic

You might want to just attach this to the first thread to keep it all together. (You can press "Notify" and ask the Mods to do it)

Ignore her anger over exposure. They all do this. We've seen people pack their bags and leave over exposure only to return shortly thereafter. My sister also posts here and when she exposed, her H was seriously enraged for 3-4 days and repeatedly said he was "done". He eventually calmed down.

Stay on track. Keep doing your Plan A. When they are angry, that's a good thing!

You're kidding!!!??? She didn't appreciate your exposure of her affair?? I am IN SHOCK! I expected her to give you roses and rewards for interfering in her affair.

ok, EARTH TO OPTIMISM!! EARTH TO OPTIMISM!! She is supposed to get mad when you interfere with her affair. Here is what she is EXPECTED to say:

"I was going to work on our marriage, now I'm not!!!"

"I can't believe you would hurt me like that!!"

"I am calling my divorce lawyer.......on next Monday!"

GREAT JOB ON EXPOSURE!!

OP, please wake up, my friend. You just took the crack pipe away from the crack head. Did you expect her to kiss you for it?

Stop sweating and don't let her get to you. Remember what the goal is here, IT IS TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, NOT TO AVOID MAKING HER ANGRY AT ALL COSTS.

Pat the little dear on the head and say "I'm so sorry you are upset, would you like a potato chip?"

Don't fight with a falling down drunk. Just be polite.

And stop talking about divorce. That is nonsense.