What you need is to outline your plan. It will guide you on how to react, how to ACT, and give you a timeline to live by. You don't want to stay in Plan A for 2 years - that's counterproductive and probably unhealthy. Read up here about exposure and Plan A, consider setting up a Plan B for when you just can't take him throwing the A in your face any more, and even think about what it would take if you have to Plan D.

Knowing all this will give you courage and confidence.

The first step of Plan A, I believe, is exposure. (correct me if I'm wrong)

After that is knowing your H's LBs and making sure you NEVER do them. Then, try to learn his ENs and become the single best person to provide those ENs for him. Even if he's not living at home, you can find opportunities, especially with kids - change offs and parties and such. Every time you know you'll be seeing him, look like a million dollars. Get in great shape. Wear awesome clothes. Always smell great. Wear jewelry.

I like one idea someone here had - if he's coming by to pick up kids, have somewhere to go. Purse in hand, all decked out, make sure he knows you're leaving as soon as he takes the kids off your hands. He doesn't have to know where you're going - you could go to the library for all it's worth - just that you have a life outside him. Maybe even might make him wonder if you're dating (but you're not! that's a no-no) - nothing better to make a wayward sit up and take notice than to suddenly realize that the spouse they left at home might just be attractive to others, too. Just have plans, and let him wonder.

Oh, and read up on exposure, so you'll be ready for the crap he'll fling at you. I was gonna come back, now you've ruined it. That's it, I'll never take you back. You've ruined my relationship with my parents. I'll never forgive you.

Just ignore it all.

Don't have to worry about the ruining the relationship with his parents. His mom thinks that he walks on water. I have asked him to tell her not to call me as all she does is justify what he has done. I thought his dad was on my side, but he was cold and frosty to me when I talked to him after husband moved out. I am ready for the aftermath. I have been doing the going out thing and looking great. He HAS noticed. Think it is hard om him that I have lost 40+ pounds, and still losing. Keep buying tighter jeans. The girls do not want to see him. Do I tell them they need to? To make coming back as inviting as possible? What about the holidays. My mom is taking us to New York to see my step sister on Christmas. Thanksgiving we were planning on going to my cousins. Do I set up family time as well?

If I remember your first thread, you have been having lots of R talk with your WH and also trying to convince him to do what's right. I would limit this type of talk other than to be a broken record that you are confident you can recover the M once he ends all contact with OW...

I also thought MrW's list of Dos and Don'ts would help you ~

Hang in there! Great job on contacting OWH

I am so afraid that I have done too much of the 'What not to do list'. I hope it is not too late. I will put an end to all of it right now. Only be positive. Act happy. The physical distance between them may work in my favor. I did tell him that the only reason we have had to have talks is that he continued affair, and continues to be wishy washy. I have told him that once all of that is over, I will be able to move forward in our relationship.

Sometimes mentally you just have to press the "reset" button. When I found MB I had done everything wrong (except exposure, I did that all on my own). I had done crazy LBing and kicked my WH out. Once I got here I started over. I made a "Plan A cheatsheet" and bookmarked some things here (like the dos and don'ts list I just posted for you). I read these things before and after each interaction with my WH to keep my head on straight and to stay on track.

I don't think it's too late for you. Just stick with the boards, you have some great people who will help you every step of the way.

Remind me, who have you exposed to?

I have exposed to my daughters. My family, his family, (he did some of that himself). A few of our friends, ( again, some of that himself). I have spoken to OW and emailed her. I am in the process of contacting her husband, I have left 2 messages at his work, but he has not called me back. It has been almost 2 hours. Unfortunatley, he has a few people, including his best friend who lives out of state and his sister, who encouraged affair. She had several people who encouraged it as well, including her brother, or at least that is what my husband tells me. My WH has few friends, only business associates. He really doesn't spend time with them, only for business lunches. One friend, who he told, does not agree with what he has done, but has only acted as a sounding board. Feels that he doesn't want my husband to feel too much pressure, so he will continue to confide in him. What do you think? I am hoping it is not too late, as he is still telling girls that he would eventually like to come back. Although I did make the mistake yesterday of texting him to say that he had really upset youngest daughter. He come over to yell at me and tell me I am making him not want to come back. I kept my composure and remained calm.

I think it is OK if you tell him he upset your daughter! That's making him face the consequences of his behavior. Try to not worry about his anger or his reactions. Just be a broken record that this is all happening as a result of his A, not anything you are doing.

Plan A is definitely about avoiding LoveBusters but it is also about becoming your very best you and NOT being a doormat. Being calm and assertive...

Have you read up on LoveBusters and Emotional Needs? Have you thought about what your LoveBusters were/are and what his top ENs are?

Have you heard back from OWH yet? Hang in there.

To add to catperson and SusieQ, you can also greet him with a "Hi! How are you?" every time you see him, and maybe text him every other morning to tell him Good Morning, how are you? Try to engage him in a brief, casual conversation whenever you see him, mention something you know will interest him - maybe something about the sports, weather, celebrity gossip, etc. Leave him craving more.

Good ideas. I haven't heard back from OWH yet. Left 2 messages. Composing a letter to send to his office.

Still haven't heard back from OWH. Do I call again?

Using advise on contact. Found him online. Using instant chat to find out about when his next jazz concert is. Feeding his ego about being a great musician. Told him I would bring the girls and he is very happy. He is even getting very flirtacious

Sounds like great progress! I would bet that one of his #1 ENs is admiration, and that's an easy one to do 'better' than the OW, since you know him so much better.

Re OWH, I wouldn't call so soon; you'll start to seem desperate (or crazy). Wait another day.

He finally called me back. Had a long talk with him. He was very calm. Asked him to try to approach at first without telling her I called. He said she has been moody and depressed. Thought maybe he could use that at first to start conversation and see if she would come clean. I am sure that the s--- is going to hit the fan so to speak. Do I continue plan A and recommend that the girls see him even though they don't want to. Take them to his concert?

It will totally hit the fan, but only if your WH and the OW are in contact. If there's true NC, your WH will never know!

What's the OW'sBH going to say if she won't fess up?


Absolutely continue Plan A. No relationship talk!


Not sure about forcing your D's to do something they don't want to do...

You got it. i will be as sweet as pie. Feed his ego. probably his biggest EN, as he either has a huge one or is totally insecure. I haven't quite figured that out yet. I think I will have daughters come to concert, but not force them to do anything else. HUGE EN for them to be there

I'm so proud of you! I know it's difficult to tell the OW'sBH. Scary.

You're doing great! Keep posting here, keep reading.


Have you read the Lighthouse thread? I'll see if I can find it.

Should I have told OWH to tell OW that I called?

Did you finally talk to him? What happened?

Of course!! He plans on confronting her, right? Be sure he tells her it was YOU who called so you can get credit for busting her. You WANT full and complete credit for your handiwork.

claygirl, I would start making plans for Plan B. Plan A is supposed to last 3-4 weeks for women and I think you are way beyond that.

If OW calls you be sure to mention that she will be named and possibly subpeonaed in any divorce proceedings so that her adultery with your WH is a matter of public record for all time. Stay strong and make her piss herself.