Queenie, he can email me if that would help. I would even be willing to talk one-on-one with him.

I can do AA and MB at the same time. I think ...lol

thanks.... little by little I have been getting longings fulfilled.

May I truly say I have a time limit on this. It's not today, and it's probably not tomorrow. But it is there and I'll know when it's time.

Fair enough?

That's fair......

My concern is not what he does or doesn't do.

My concern is that you keep your own boundaries in tact, and that you do not settle for less than you KNOW you deserve.
You deserve a plan of action.
Nothing Less!
A plan with boundaries.

If you have not made your own boundaries clear, then you are not being radically honest with him or yourself.

from the preamble: "half measures availed us nothing!"

I understand this completely and will keep checking in to make sure I do that.

I hadn't thought of it this way. Thanks for the observation.

I PROMISE... I won't settle. I have my time frame. and I'll know when it's time to walk away.

ACTUALLY, that is more than fair. I *think* that's what everyone here is wanting from YOU. Not to settle for less than a intimate, deep and fulfilling marriage. And one without SF when you NEED that is not the marriage we would like you have.

A timeline is good.....otherwise you get stuck in limbo, bringing on resentment and anger, DEFINATE enemies of the marriage.

And recovery doesn't happen overnight, but without a plan in place it truly won't happen at all.......

Yes he did good last night...... Let's see where that leads......


(((((((Queenie))))))))

not2fun

Boy does THAT sound familiar. My H is big on words with no follow-through. I am beginning to understand how it is part of the alcoholic behavior pattern.

Queenie, I like how you are setting boundaries for yourself and being good/gentle to yourself at the same time.

Thank you OurHouse... That means alot to me..

I can't change him, but I can take care of me. It's a new thing, but I am doing it.

It's a concept I find that's so foreign to so many of us in Alanon. We get so wrapped up in taking care of the addict as well as our families, that we forget about us. That's a big part of the getting healthy. When I saw you write that--about how you knew that just for TODAY, you were ok and that you have a limit and it's not today nor tomorrow but that you will know when you have reached it, I said to myself 'WOW, she really GETS it---I know I will be THERE when I can GET that!'

Oh thank you OurHouse for that. Because I REALLY REALLY do get it. It's just a softer approach. and that's OK for ME...today. LOL

You have much wisdom yourself on this. Take, own and cherish it... Whatever step is forward, is a step forward.

Okay Q, here goes......

It was what was said about him not trusting G-d that gave me an idea of possible abuse, along with all that I mentioned previously. Now I can't recall anything you may have said about his childhood and such, so this was really just a hunch on my part. I really don't want to play the "backseat pychiatrist" and I may be COMPLETELY wrong about this.

I will say though IF he were to come forward to you with this sort of information, it would not surprise me in the least, and in fact would make some sense if his behaviors regarding sex. Mostly, I just wanted you to know that this may be a possibility.

BUT...... Do not let my thoughts distract you on your course. Even if this were the case, it does not excuse his A nor his withholding of SF from you. Nor does it get him off the hook for not having to do the work REQUIRED in both AA and in repairing the M.

Anyway, again I really wasn't trying to distract you with this, but with my extensive dealings with sexual abuse and SA survivors, a lot if what you have been sharing regarding H just kind of pointed me there......

Not2fun

Thanks Not for the head's up. Honestly NOTHING would surprise me or love him less.

After he and I are just two people who are sick trying to get well.

Thanks Queenie:

I don't want to T/J your thread. I had been following along on your recovery thread, then saw this one about addictions and it struck close to home. Unfortunately, I am married to someone who will not admit there is an issue and in fact, as he continues to fall further and further into that pit, gets angrier and angrier with me, the kids, the people next door, everyone in the state, the government--well you get the idea. His whole life is f'd up according to him and though he *says* he blames himself, from my perspective, I think it's just lip service.

Today he got notice that finally his UI will run out. I can't believe how many extensions he's had. He ranted, swore up and down, stomped, raved, etc.; he was so ticked. When I walked into the kitchen, he threw the letter at me and said "nice, real nice, those *^^(*^&". I had no idea what he was throwing at me so I said "what?" And he said "THAT. THAT'S WHAT". And I took it from him and asked him another question about it and he started to yell at me and I asked him not to yell at me and he said


I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU!!!

lol

Which is his answer every time he yells at me and I ask him not to yell at me.

Anyway, end of T/J. I will keep praying for you.

We are truly sick puppies..

I will add you to my prayers and keep on for you as well.

Would you love to video tape stuff and play it back in their face. Humbling experience I would think.

I often think about video taping or even audio taping because he almost always denies he said or did the thing that got me so upset!

GMTA.....

Someone (might have been Melody?) once told me that the 'forgetting' is very typical of an addict.

Hi Queenie,

It is good to have goals, plan, and a timeline.

Maybe for a small while your plan should "be silent". Just let it be and give him some space. If he is showing you in other ways his commitment just step back and breathe.

Work on yourself, your own inhibitors (as you mentioned your weight). If you mentioned it -- it must be bothering you. When you take control of yourself that confidence will shine through.

Hugs to you. We are rooting for you!

Queenie

I may be out of line here b/c I just don't have time to read all of your posts.

What parts I have read lately It appears your back together with you H and he is working the AA program. You are wondering about SF. He does not seem to be interested-willing-capable- at this point to meet your need. MB or AA?
This is where I am coming from.

I lurk a lot b/c I deal with the other addictions in my house. I come here to see how "NORMYS" handle M situations.
I am an alcoholic-codependent-ACOA-I work AA and Al-Anon and quite frankly the Al-Anon is what really kicks my A%%.

Keeping my hands off another persons business and wanting to help (fix it 4 them) is extremely hard for me not to do.

To the point
Pages 20 and 21 describe the different types of alcoholics.
Ocassional-moderate- hard--->Then the real alcoholic.

Being I can't see into your life you will have to know where H fits in.

Being a "real alcoholic" myself and begininng recovery some years ago I can tell you from experience that sobering up was hard and staying sober was harder yet. After treatment the guilt and shame of all the blatant ONS-The complete destruction of everything from relationships to finances ate away at me 24/7.
(I was a blackout drinker)
Eventually (it took several years) the AA program helped me to sweep off MY side of the street (make ammends-not apologies-big difference) work the program and return to human life. BB chapter 6 is what I TRY to model my life after now. Is my life perfcct? No where near it.

Alcohol-when used in moderation can enhance SF with your partner. IT IS A POWERFUL STIMULANT. I don't think anyone here would dispute that point.

My experiences with sex with my W after sobering up were awful from my part. I know I disapointed my W and most of the time she was kind about it. I know there was no F on her part. Some times though she she really resented that.
My mind played a thousand different tapes with them all leading back to "how can this woman who I hurt so bad with my behavior (both alcoholism/affairs) allow me even to be with her"?
It is not that way today.

It is not uncommon for men especially to be impotent after sobering up.

HMM..For the "Real Alcoholic" his alcohol problem begins in his
brain--P23 1st paragraph.

Hmmm...Doesn't sex start there also??

Not trying at all to justify your H's lack of meeting your need. H does need to be honest with you. Honesty develops with time-It is not automatic just b/c a person quits using. Much like the FOG here from affairs. It takes time.

I believe that when your H gets through the AA stuff-mainly 4th and full completion of the 5th step you may find that his desire will return quickly.

I would talk to other woman in Al-Anon and see what there experiences have been. You may find it is quite common.

To set a time limit on it may lead YOU to disapointment. Remember you live with a person who (if I understand it your alcoholic to) is just like you.

How would it have affected you if any one put a time limit on your recovery?? To work the program You really have to live it. For some of us it comes quickly and some of us slowly.

Please read P567 in the BB.

My prayers for you and your family.

Nesre

Hi Nesre,

Thank you so much for your comments. I will absolutely go read that page, in the 3rd and 4th edition.

I really appreciate your point of view. I agree with the time limits, but I also know that I need to have a plan of action for myself, which really won't be for almost two years from now. So it gives G-d plenty of time.

As for him sobering up and lasting effects. He is physically sober almost 21 years. He has been in a dry drunk, so I am not sure you meant the same criteria applies. But I do agree if it does.

Fortunately I love him enough to just let G-d have control and hopefully we will proceed sooner rather than later. LOL