Its amazing how people who don't WANT to expose will always manage to manufacture some percieved loophole by seizing on an out of context word. It never fails!

When he spoke about exposure, he made a point of mentioning old affairs but then qualified them with 'recently discovered'. Why the qualifier? Why not just lump them all together: Old Affairs Not Yet Exposed? (and again, I had partial exposure)

So you don't see that on the exception list?

Talk about out of context.

His family knows.
Our close friends know. His best friend flew 3000 miles to be with him in his hour of need (he told his best friend that I was kicking him out of the house) and when he arrived in town, I exposed. That put a huge chink in the friendship that was never repaired.
My sister knows (but not the rest of my family: my parents aren't living and I'm not very close with the other family members).

So that leaves OW's husband and the kids. OW's husband got that email from me. It was weenie-ish and cryptic but the lines were spaced large enough that he would have gotten the drift if he bothered to read between them.

Oh yeah, our priest knows. So I've got clergy covered.

It's now 3 years later and once again, citing MY particular situation, I'm sitting here in a marriage with an alcoholic husband who won't admit he's got a drinking problem, has said to me he has no interest in working on the marriage, doesn't have a job and refuses to get out of the house leaving me in the pickle of figuring out if I have to resort to legal measures to push this separation. I shouldn't have even picked this nit with you because I have bigger fish to fry but I was truly confused and curious about Dr. Harley's thinking. We are in nothing that resembles recovery/recovered. However, I asked that question thinking that some people on this forum HAVE attempted to recover their marriage from an affair that came to light before they found marriage builders.

Let's say a husband and wife walked into Dr. Harley's office wanting to commit to their marriage after an affair ended years ago. They exposed but not fully, according to his SAA tactics. What would he tell them?

OH, but the one person who needs to know the most does not know.

You don't have to justify yourself to me. Just don't expose the affair to the OWH and be happy with your decision.

I am fine with it, Mel. Who knows, maybe I will tell him someday. But I'm still curious on behalf of the ficticious couple I posted about just above. Maybe I'm making too much of nothing.

Well, let us know what you find out.

Our house

I think you should tell the OWH, even after all this time.

[deleted]

I'd be really pissed if my wife had an affair TEN years ago and the affair partner's wife knew but didn't tell me.

Why is it so hard to act with compassion for the other BS who is also a VICTIM of your spouses affair with their spouse??

Common decency demands the OP's spouse should know and I really don't need anyone to tell me what is right and wrong.

I'm big on exposure. But, I too am curious as to what is hoped to be accomplished by exposing an old affair(other than notifying the other BS, as that always seem the right thing to do.)
But assuming the affair is long over and there are no subsequent bouts of cheating, what, exactly , does exposing to others do to help the relationship.
My dad was a drunk. He remained sober and a good guy the last 25 years of his life. What would i accopmplish by going to other people and disclosing something like this long after he sobered up? Seems sort of the same to me.

I have a friend who is over a decade sober, and he tells EVERYONE he's an alcoholic and so he no longer drinks. I can't truly speak for his reason for that, but I speculate that it is to keep him straight.

At an extended family gathering, one of my aunts was fairly newly sober (a couple of years) and her sisters came around and told everyone--those of us in the party, the staff of the restaurant--that she was an alcoholic and to NOT give her anything to drink. To keep her straight.

Same reason to tell the BS the truth about his marriage. So he can 'keep it straight'. Kind of hard to watch out for a repeat of something that you didn't know about to begin with.

Yeah, I am all for telling the other BS, regardless of how long ago it happened.
But, I think my dad may have been humiliated, needlessly, by telling folks at social gatherings not to offer him a drink.

Zelmo, everyone in my family knows I am an alcoholic. I don't go around telling everyone, but I sure don't hide it. My close coworkers know, too. Even if I wanted to drink, I couldn't get away with it because everyone knows. I don't have a single friend who wouldn't call up my husband and bust me. I am not humiliated by that. It is just the truth about who I am and I accept that.

The reason that a BS should be told about an old affair is becuase they have a right to know and are vulnerable to repeat affairs as long as they don't know. It is information about his life that has been wrongfully withheld from him. If I found out someone withheld such information from me, I would probably punch them in the nose for being so mean.

If my neighbor's bookkeeper embezzled money from him 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago, any decent person wouldn't hesitate to tell him. I don't know why in the world we treat adultery any differently. When someone is or has been harmed behind his back, it is an act of kindness to warn the person.

Everyone knew I was a drunk anyway, so it doesn't bother me they know I stopped.

Well, I still wish he'd clarify. Not that I need it to decide to proceed or not. :: I sent him an email after Dday. But you might remember I posted recently about sending him a more concise, detailed clarification of what happened. I wrote out a 3 paragraph letter, complete with contact information and mailed it. Came back here and said "wow, I feel weird" or something like that. Basically weird, but good, like something off my chest.

Until the letter came back in the mail as undeliverable. ::

So then I did some detective work, called the company, got shuffled around from field office to field office and finally to HQ, tried to track down a supervisor and finally tracked down another pilot who gave me the correct mailstop, etc.

And then I stuck the thing in my purse and allowed myself to consider an email that had me questioning my intent.

OH, I think you should just do the right thing. And you know it is to tell this man the truth. There is no justification for not telling him. Not that you need Dr Harley to tell you the right thing to do.

Here's the bit about exposing an affair from the past:

What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

Not sure why he mentioned recently revealed. Might just be how he chose to present the concept, or it might be pertinent.

Do y'all ever feel like we're a bunch of theologians trying to interpret "the word" around here?

TH, it is typical of people who don't want to expose - and OH does not want to expose - to split hairs like this to look for justification. She doesn't WANT to expose, hence the semantics.

Well, I exposed like heck and still do, although to a much lesser extent.
The more i think about it, I gues i agree that telling those affected by what transpired makes sense. I never took issue with telling the other BS, regardleass of the passage of time. That BS has a right to know and i would feel a duty to tell that person.
I think kids, other family members are entitled to know so they can make sense of the weird behaviors typically accompanying an affair ,that they observed and were affected by.