Hoping for good news, Chai!

Thinking of you this morning (((Chai)))

I had a long conversation with Chai yesterday. It was really rough on here. There were some realy bright spots of glory, but the truth is this is her story to tell, not mine.

She'll be here as soon as she can.

I would ask for everyone to help her find peace in her heart and soul, because she is sad and hurting and needs our love and prayes.

CL,

...you are in my thoughts and heart...

CL

Chai - know that you are loved and cared for. Though many of us have never met you, you have touched our lives. Inspired us, encouraged us, awed us..... the list could go on and on.

What you are enduring shall pass. It hurts - it gets right into our souls and it wrenches our guts. Know that it will pass.

Your WH words and actions are not a reflection of you, they are a reflection of him.

Have faith, my friend. Faith in yourself.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Fox

Chai, I have followed your thread for a long time. Whatever the outcome I KNOW you will survive. You have amazed me with your strength, determination, giving spirit and love for your family. May God's blessings rain down on you and fill you with His love. Remember that He has been walking every step of the way WITH you.

I am going to try to give an update, but I may have to split it if I get too wordy.

Where to start? Maybe I should just give a few of the relevant points.

When asked what I wanted, I asked for WH to split the costs of the insurance premium over the last two years with me. Since he got 1/2 of the rebate check, I felt it would only be fair that he split the cost of the premium with me. I have struggled to pay it since the separation two years ago. I also asked that he help me out until I can find a job. The business has struggled and I've used every asset I have to survive.

When he got on the stand yesterday he claimed that I have wasted money, kept him in the dark, etc. They portrayed me as the domineering spouse who kept the checkbook under lock and key and gave him only bread and water while making him work his fingers to the bone.

They produced copies of checks that have been written over the last 4 years, and any check that was written for cash, to myself (usually for cash), or written to transfer to another account was pulled out and identified. That's where it started. WH wants half the value of all of that money. Where did it go? The majority of it was used to buy things to keep our household running (repairs, grass cutting etc that he wasn't there to do), keep DD's school paid and cover all of her expenses when she was in an active addiction that I didn't realize at the time, and just stuff for everyday.

Then he wants half of whatever I have taken as salary from my business over the last 4 years, half of any investment money in the business, half of the difference of the value of his car and mine, reimbursement of atty fees, and on and on and on.

He wants no debt of the business because he has never received a check from it and has no signing authority blah blah blah.

Again my atty was awesome on cross exam. He was allowed to bring up the infidelity only to the point that it may have wasted funds. WH had to admit that he had the A, lived with Miss Mullet for a year and spent money on her, although we couldn't prove the amount. Of course he said they "broke up" in May of 07. Liar, Liar.

Anyway, my atty did a good job of proving that I was the responsible wife at home making sure all bills were paid, helping my addicted child, running my business etc. while WH was out living with OP.

When my atty turned the questioning to DD, WHs atty objected saying it wasn't relevant, however the judge said it was. The judge said that he saw a woman sitting there who under no legal obligation to do it, took a newborn baby for 7 months and cared for it. He said that he was sure that doing so diverted my attention from the business and finding a job. In addition I was doing all that I could to help DD with her addiction. He therefore felt that it was very relevant to the case. At that point, I felt so much relief.

As much as WHs atty fought it, the court also recognized the business as a marital asset (or liability as it may be).

When my atty asked WH why he wanted support from me, he said because I could make more money and because of his poor health. It was at that point that I realized that he knew what he gave up. WH knows me, knows that I have managed his life for 35 years, knows that I work my @@ off, knows that if he had stayed with me he wouldn't be working now because I would have done whatever it took to support us after his heart attack. He knows that over the years he has never had to do without anything because Chai takes care of it all. We needed insurance - Chai got it. We needed a mortgage - Chai got it. We needed something for the house - Chai got it. Issues with this or that - Chai took care of it. DD needed stuff for school - Chai made sure she had it. Cupboards needed stocked -Chai shopped for it.

He's now looking at the possibility of not being able to work too much longer, so what is he going to do?

So, I'm not saying that the result will be favorable to me or not, but I just felt that the judge recognized that the business was started as a marital venture, and that my contribution to taking care of DD and chaibaby was recognized as well.

I have been depressed and feel like I have to start this path at square one again. It all seemed so final yesterday. When we got up to leave, I was going to say something to him along the lines of "take care of yourself" but he saw me look his way and turned his back to me so I just left. I doubt I will ever see him again unless there is some sort of tragedy. His extreme hatred of me was so apparent.

A decision will be made by next week and the papers can be drafted and finalized by end of November. I guess I will wear the big D on my shirt as soon as Thanksgiving.

There are lots more details but those are the highlights. And yesterday, I looked pretty good if I do say so myself. He looks bad, and I feel bad that he had such a massive heart attack. It's just all a tragedy.

I love you all. Thanks for being here for me. I have to go now but will check in later.

Oh, he didn't ask for half of the cost of my hair. I was very surprised.

Chai too

(((Chai)))

Thanks for the update, I have been thinking of you today. I will keep you in my prayers.

Oh, I am relieved. Sounds pretty positive for you.

I forget, though I think I asked you before. Can your ex qualify for social security disability?

You did as well as could be hoped for. Good for you! And good riddance! Now you can take care of yourself!

This is tl @ Neak's house, on Neak's computer, and using Neak's sign-in while the pizza bakes. I think this:

Forget the cost...I think it's a wonder he didn't ask for half of your HAIR!

You done good, Chai. And you've been doing good for a long, long time.

tl

Believer, it's good to see you back here.

I don't know if WH would qualify for SSD or not. I don't know what it takes to qualify. He has disability coverage from his job, but a lot of times those policies aren't that great. Atty fees are pretty much going to hurt both of us as far as retirement funds, so it's going to be a skimpy retirement for us both. And to think that a few years ago were were on track to have pretty darn good golden years. Oh well...

Jean and Lil, thanks for stopping by and lending support. I know that time is what it takes, but d@mn, I feel like I've spent a lifetime getting over this already and now it feels like I have to go back to the beginning and start over.

One thing I am glad of is that I took the high road to a certain extent. They submitted document after document of nonsense trying to prove me to be a downright pig of a dog, and I on the other hand really had nothing like that. My atty asked questions that told my story and at the end I asked for help. My only two wittnesses were people who verified that WH was on board and involved, and supported my business. Beyond that, our only documentation was current financial statements, insurance policies etc. so the court would have a current picture of our position.

WH was even so low down that he produced two or three letters that I had written him under Jennifer's guidance. In one, I referred to the business as "my" business which his atty was all over going "see,see, she called it HER business." And the other was a semi modified Plan B of sorts. I guess they were trying to prove that I was kicking him out, I'm not sure.

I don't know that WH ever knew that I had a life insurance policy for a lot of money and that he was the beneficiary. I wonder how he felt when he saw that. He was also the beneficiary on my 401K too. No more. Not sure why I waited so long, but I did change it all last week when I saw that this D was a reality. Now DD can buy a Mexican drug cartel if I die. Actually, I am going to set up a trust to ensure that WH or Miss Mullet gets none of it if I should croak. DD and chaibaby will get it under strictly controlled conditions. Of course that all hinges on whether or not I even have anything left in the 401K after all this and whether or not I'll be able to keep up the life insurance payments.

Chai,

I wish I had the energy to do a proper reply, but forgive me dear, that I don't.

Let me just say this - He 'hates' you because as you point out, he KNOWS what he has given up. He is trying to JUSTIFY his actions by trying to drive YOU into the ground. You would have taken care of him, DD, Chaibaby & everyting else (most of which you HAVE done).

He is sad & pathetic, but he will never admit his mistake. If I had pushed at all, Drac would have done the same thing. I know this 'man'. They do not make mistakes. They will do anything necessary to try to prove themselves 'right'.

Honey read what YOU wrote! I understand your hurt,, your pain because YOU realize what has transpired here and you grieve for what could have/should have been. You invested in that person that you thought you knew - as we all did. He knows it, too.

Ms Chai, hold that head high. I'm going to raise a toast in your honor. The judge obviously sees much, much more than you expected from the pre-trail things you expected. it's not as 'good' perhaps from first blush that you hoped for, and that's ok.

No matter the outcome,,,you have done the right thing for Chai. You can hold your head high. You will not only survive, but you WILL thrive after this is long over. You are a true GODDESS!!!

Wish I were there to give you a big ol' hug and a stiff drink right now!! love you bunches!!!

You really must look into the social security disability thing - check out SSA.gov. He would have had to pay into social security for a certain number of quarters to get it.

My sons' dad had a heart attack when he was only 37, and it wasn't a bad one. But he was a pipewelder and could no longer work. I put in the social security disability papers, available from the website, and he was denied.

Then, when we were divorced, he got an attorney, and did get social security disability. The attorney took a couple thousand off the top, but my ex got retroactive ss disability from the date I put in the first claim - thousands of dollars.

And after he died (15 years later), I was able to collect as his widow, even though we were divorced. A widow only has to be 60, and I get checks of $1600. every month.

Hope you will check it out.

So Believer, are you saying that this is something additional to normal SS benefits? How do you submit paperwork without all of the medical records etc? And I can submit it for him?

I wish I could forget it tl. I try not to think about it, but it's always a source of stress for me. It's going to take me a long time.

Bugs, let's get together if you are out this way. Would love to see you again.

Chai -

Your husband would need to sign the application. Good luck on that one. You can find it on the SS site.

Basically, he would have to have enough quarters in, and be completely unable to work. You have to give the reasons why he can't work, his work history, and medical info.

My ex was young. But he had worked 20 years as a pipewelder and had no other trade.

Of course, social security denied the claim. Then he went to an attorney and got approved, and collected about $18,000. back benefits, and $1600. a month. The attorney did get a couple thousand, but who cares?

Look up the ssa.gov site, and see what you can do. It is really worth it. I forget how old your hubby is, but this is for someone who can't retire yet.

Chai,

We may be able to get together next week. I'll give you a call!

TJ/

Believer, I understand what you're saying but why should Chai do this for WH? He has tried to throw her under the bus throughout this divorce. Maybe she could put a bug in his ear, but coming from Chai, he'd probably reject the notion out right. She wouldn't get anything from his disability if they're divorced, right? Or am I wrong about that?

However... if anything were to happen to him, Chai would be entitled to the survivor benefits even if he remarries because she is the 1st wife and they were married for 10 years or longer. New wifey doesn't get it.

/TJ

Chai, my heart goes out to you. I know it doesn't look like it right now, but a year from now you'll be in a much better place. It's coming. You've done all the right things and it WILL come back to you. I just know it.
((((Chai)))