And this is where you are wrong, exposure is always good for the marriage. Show me a WS whose victims don't know the truth and I will show you an UNRECOVERED wayward. A recovered wayward does not want to hide his crime from his victims. The more people who know, the better for recovery. If the other BS knows, they become an extra set of eyes who can watch the adulterers.

The other BS needs to know that the OP is an enemy so he can protect himself and his children. The more people who know, the less likely the affairees will resume the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping them secret only helps the affair.


There is a greater risk of resumption if the other BS doesn't know. If the other BS doesn't know, then her WS is free to contact the OW and the BS would not know it was a problem.

EE,

I didn't say that being abuse "excuses" nor "justifies" an affair, just that one shouldn't be so quick to dismiss those claims. I also think Mels stats of 9 out of 10 times is low.

And yes I wholeheartedly AGREE that once an abused woman enters into an affair, she in fact becomes an abuser herself. A fact that many an abused affairee would flat out deny.....

I agree it's low, I doubt if it's as many as 1 who have a valid complaint about abuse out of 10.

I'd say maybe one in 100 who claim abuse are actually abuse victims. The rest are equally abusive participants in the cycle.

You know what's funny. After Dday, when we were really talking about this at length, he told me several times that even though he was once in love with her (when they were dating), he never really trusted her. He always thought she was manipulative and had her own best interests at heart over anything else.

Of course, that still didn't stop him from getting sucked in again 25 years later. LOL

Agree. 1 out of 10 is an overstatment, it is more like 1 in 100 like you said. In fact, I can only think of TWO cases where it was true out of hundreds where it wasn't and I have been here 8 years.

Mel, can you check out my thread? Claygal

But you are worried about OH's H getting his?

Well, I suppose it shows a caring heart that you wanted to help OWH spend his resources wisely.

She broke contact 2 days after you did?

After her contact the affair resumed for a few days. It does not matter that she made the first move; you resumed the affair.

What a coincidence!

When did you tell your wife about the original affair with that OW? What details have you told your wife about that affair? Has she taken them in her stride, as she did the recent one?

Of course I hold "such disdain" over my H's affair. What else should I do, feel grateful to him for having had it?

As for painting all WH's with the same brush; genuine FWSs are very similar, as are WSs. Wayward fog-speak is also has a common pattern. It is remarkably close to a script, no matter who recites it.

In August, your thread "From the mind of an XWH" was concerned with your own withdrawal and how hard it was. When pushed to talk about your wife, you claimed that your wife was happier than ever before in your marriage after D Day. Nobody believed you, and many questioned whether you had told her at all about the affair and if you had, how you had spun it. You were asked whether you had decided to tell your wife a half-truth because you knew that OWH had just found something out.

You were also challenged on your thread "What to do about xOW's H/ PI". Many people suggested that you were worried that the PI might reveal more to your wife than you wanted her to know about your life.

Your honesty was called into question a lot on both threads, and you withdrew from them, citing this board's inability to cope with an unusual case like yours. Today, I challenged your non-MB advice to OH and your answer was "insensitive", in your words, and mocked my betrayal. Exposure to the other BS does not seem to be something that you are comfortable with.

Now - I am a very new WW - and my H fully exposed with in minutes of me telling him. I believe exposure is exactly as Dr. harley says it should be. Its freeing in someways if you are truelly repentant.

However, my MC says that many many abused women or women in a relationship with controlling or abusive men cheat. Its WRONG and frankly stupid...but it happens alot...he puts it at maybe 75% or 80% of women who are abused end up either having an EA or PA. Often with a man they go to for help or support. Its wrong - they should leave and have the abusive H put in jail.

Note - this is NOT what happened to me nor relevant to my story. Just an alternate POV being thrown out there.

If you think the OW is ACTUALLY in an abusive relationship - expsure could result in further violence against her. She is wrong wrong wrong for messing with a married man...but i would just say - one should tred carefully if they ACUTALLY think there is abuse in the OWs marriage.

added after posting - I just realized - my MC specializes in anger management and domestic violence - (court mandated therapy) so maybe its 75% - 80% of HIS clients...not all cases...

I don't believe for a second that 75%+ of women's affairs are in marriages where there is abuse. That makes no sense at all given that 40% of women cheat and a very low, low amount are in physically abusive marriages.

Although it is not a true statisical standard, in the 8 years I have been here, about 90% of female cheaters CLAIM abuse and it has been true in TWO cases. Wayward wives are liars just like male cheaters and they very often use the abuse card to justify their cheating and pander pity. Playing the victim is CLASSIC wayward wife behavior.

I can't count the times some skank OW and her WS manipulated some poor deluded BS into not exposing the affair because "her husband beat her" and it turned out to be a LIE. One that comes to mind is board member Kimberly and she was so scared the OW's H would beat her up that she checked to see if he had any record.[never reported to the police, of course] It turned out, after she spoke to OW's brother, that it was all a big fat lie. AS USUAL.

Even so, even wife beaters deserve to know their wives are abusing them. Dr Harley addresses that in his newsletter. She is to separate FIRST and then tell him of the affair.

I think the most important take away is to NOT CHEAT if you don't want to get beat up. That is a job hazard of cheating. If you are not willing to take that risk, you might oughta keep your britches up.

Oddly, the only beat downs I know of since I have been here have not been husbands beating up wayward wives, but BHs beating up OM. And they did not beat them up upon discovery, but weeks or months after D-Day.

So, I would have to say that the ones who have the greatest chance of getting beat up are the OTHER MEN. I hope they take that into account when they choose to have an affair with a married woman, because chances are great you might get beat up.

makes it hard for a wayward who actually is abused...
Of course even women who dont cheat and are abused have problems coming forward because people tend to NOT believe them...
Its shocking really - rape, abuse etc...people tend to believe that the women is lying ...so much for advances in womens rights...

my BH still talks about taking out the OMs - small red dot. And yes - cheating is a dangerous activiety for OM, OW and the Wayward - and just really really really stupid.

ML - did you see my update about my MC? his specific specialization makes his POV make sense I think.

What's really sad is that so many of them ARE LYING. Many women believe there is empowerment in playing the victim card. They make it hard for the ones who really are abused. These women are not equals.

Being abused does not entitle a woman to abuse others. Cheating on your spouse is much worse abuse than physical assault. A woman who does that does not deserve any sympathy.

Your right - lots of women lie and makes it harder for those who it really happened to.

I disagree - but maybe a topic for a different thread:

1)you cant die from being cheated on - you can be KILLED by physical assult.

2) Cheating is a breaking of vows, a violation of trust, a deep personal injury - physical assult is a breaking of vows, a violation of trust and a deep personal and physical injury...

A man is supposed to be his wifes protectors - to hurt her breaks his vows to her and violates their trust...its a deeper violation than if a stranger violated her - her H did this to her.

A women is supposed to forsake all others and in fact hurts her H in a way no one else could EVER hurt him when she cheats

I say cheating and phsyical assult are Very similar betrayls and should be treated very much the same

Exposre often can stop an abuser...and make them accountable to their friends and family

fullfilling Love Banks and putting your needs first can change your focus.
counseling etc...

But just like a revenage affair is wrong - cheating on an abuser is wrong
two wrongs dont make a right...or equal anything out...to abuse your spouse is wrong ...period
to cheat is wrong -regardless of what spouse has done - period.

Mel, you've misread the stats. Sisyphus_HW is saying that her therapist believes that four out of five ABUSED WOMEN have affairs, not that four out of five affairs involve abused women. Two very different things. Just wanted to clarify.

This may well be true, and I have no doubt that many WWs claim to be in abusive marriages to deflect attention and blame from their affairs. Still, I'm glad you clarified that these numbers are estimates based on your personal, anecdotal experience from reading on this board. I wouldn't want anyone to labor under the misapprehension that the "nine out of ten" claim was based on actual statistical evidence.

thanks jim! - yeah i wasnt saying all WWs are abused - not even close!....

Which is why I made the point that it is not based on actual statistical evidence. But it is notable that the majority of wayward wives do claim physical abuse as a way to deflect attention. Women like this make it very hard to believe any wayward wives.


Psychologists who treat victims of adultery would disagree. Dr Harley equates the trauma of adultery to that of RAPE or the death of a child. Repaying an abusive spouse with adultery puts them on the same level. They are both abusers in the worst sense. Just ask a betrayed spouse here if they would rather get beat up or be cheated on. Many would choose the former.

i can agree that they are both abusers ...

Probably cause they have NEVER had the spouse they knew would never hurt them grab them by their throat and squeeze as they begged them to please stop that they were hurting them. As they cried and told them over and over again that that the loved them and please stop doing this - before their ears began to ring and their vision went black and they passed out.

They havent had to try and breath the next day but couldnt do it except shallowly because their ribs were bruised or cracked, or have to wear sun glasses because everyone would see the black eye on their face...or the broken arm which aches and hurts. somehow thinking that this beating is there fault cause they made their spouse angry by burning dinner or not folding the clothes right. The same of being beating, the phsycial pain, the phsycologocal pain.

Just like cheating does not last for the duration of the activity - so to - physical abuse damages the person in ways that will never heal...trust me - a person who chooses a beating over cheating has never been beaten

No, I have been beaten. And I would choose that over being cheated on. Have you been cheated on?

yes i have - we were engaged - my H to this day says it wasnt cheating because we werent married...i remember what he said the OW was wearing - i remember where he said he did it (all three times) and I remember exactly where we were the day he told me (three days after we got married) - i am sorry you have been beaten - its a horrible thing to endure - was it your spouse?

HW, we have women here who have had nervous breakdowns and tried to commit suicide. We have people here are being treated for post traumatic stress disorder, all from CHEATING. I have no doubt that domestic assault is horribly traumatic, but even Dr Harley classifies adultery as the "worst thing that can happen to a person." From a standpoint of psychological trauma it is as bad, if not worse than domestic assualt.

It is sort of ridiculous to argue over which it worse, but please don't underestimate the devastation of adultery. For many, there is nothing worse. Nothing. I have been beaten up. I have buried a child. And I will tell you that the worse thing of all was my H's adultery.