Bullcrap. Women play the abuse card all the time in order to justify affairs. And it is almost always a LIE. Rarely is it true

Zelmo, this finding is the opposite of what I read in Dr. H's article Why Women Leave Men. In that article, men who start using POJA restore their marriage.

ML, I understand that adultery can be harder than domestic violence on the BS as a person. But if you look at the whole family, Dr. H recommends leaving for a year in cases of domestic violence, whereas in infidelity there is a clear way home presented in Plan B that doesn't have that year requirement. Also recidivism is very high in domestic violence, where hopefully using MB's idea of extraordinary precautions, the marriage can recover from infidelity with no slips back into it. I think it's sad but true that while folks can recover from infidelity together, and have a better marriage than they ever had, that in cases of domestic violence, there is no such thing as recovering a great marriage. At best you get a life of looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life. I know women whose dread doesn't ease even after their abuser has passed away.

I'm not sure what you are calling "bullcrap" on. Dr. H's OWN words are printed above....he says himself "it is not UNCOMMON". That right there is directly opposite of what you state. You say it is RARELY true, Dr. H says its not UNCOMMON.....so which is it???


not2fun

Ok I am FINALLY getting around to finishing making my point on friday....(sorry it took me awhile, but I had to be a RESPONSIBLE mom when DD15 and a couple of her friends tried to pull a fast one on me..... ...teenagers!!!!!)

Here's what I was talking about.....

Alcohol, Abuse, and Infidelity


It's not uncommon for a woman married to an abusive alcoholic to try to escape by having an affair. There are reasons why this approach to abuse seems appropriate at the time. An abused woman is often financially dependent on her husband, and could not easily support herself and her children during a separation. So she looks for another man, usually much older, to provide that support while she transitions out of her marriage. In almost all cases, she ends up jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The abusive husband becomes even more dangerous, and the other man usually ends up dumping the frightened woman and her children. As the writer of this letter notes, the man she turned to "turned out to be a jerk."

This is taken from Dr. Harley's Newsletter released on Sept. 2....which there WAS a thread on but got lost in the "Vortex-of-the-Unknown" during the shut down.....




I'm not sure what you are calling "bullcrap" on. Dr. H's OWN words are printed above....he says himself "it is not UNCOMMON". That right there is directly opposite of what you state. You say it is RARELY true, Dr. H says its not UNCOMMON.....so which is it???


not2fun

"Alcoholics commonly engage in their most painful habits while under the influence. Acts of infidelity are common. The fact that he or she is drunk at the time is no consolation to a grief-stricken spouse."

Of course, she is painted as the victim, instead of the co-abuser in the mutually abusive relationship.

If she cheats, she is a co-conspirator in an abusive relationship and loses victim status, period.

You will hear Joyce and I repeat, "there are reasons but no excuses." One of the reasons for an affair is that emotional needs are not being adequately met in marriage, which makes an affair that meets those needs more tempting. But the same thing can be said of some who rob banks. They may be out of work, need money to pay the rent, ask for a loan but are refused by the bank, which makes robbing it more tempting. One reason for the robbery is that the bank refused the loan, but it wasn't the bank's fault that it was robbed. On hindsight, a bank might have helped the robber get the help he needed through social services, but the bank is under no obligation to do so, even though they advertise that it is a "caring bank."

An affair is different from robbing banks in that a couple have promised to be more caring than banks. But the principle is the same. The lack of care by one spouse does not excuse harmful behavior by the other spouse. Even when one spouse absolutely refuses to be affectionate, or to make love, or to talk intimately, or to join in recreational activities with the other spouse, it gives them no right to have those needs met by someone else of the opposite sex in an affair. They have the right to separate until the other spouse meets those needs, or even divorce when it becomes obvious that there will be absolutely no cooperation (there are many who strongly disagree with me on that point). But an affair is so cruel and so painful that nothing any one spouse does (including having an affair themselves) can justify the suffering that an affair causes.

Making a disgraceful act more tempting by someone is no excuse for that person committing the disgraceful act. Besides, in most marriages, there are times when emotional needs are not being met for reasons beyond anyone's control. That's why I recommend extraordinary precautions to help spouses avoid an affair. They are to not allow anyone of the opposite sex to meet their need for affection, or intimate conversation, or recreational companionship, or sexual fulfillment. When those needs are met, they deposit so many love units that you are likely to fall in love with that person, and make you hurt your spouse in the worst way possible. I hope that explanation helps.

reading, have you verified the OW's claims that she is "abused?" WW's are liars so everything they say has to be scrutinized. Have you verified this with any relatives or checked to see if there is any record at the police station?

Not that it excuses adultery, but it is very typical for the "abuse" story to be a lie manufactured to pander pity.

Oh, but it does seem to matter to others that the WS is claiming abuse as the reason for cheating.
That movie "Waitress" comes to mind, where the BH was, essentially, a caricature of an abusive spouse. This made the cheating wife the heroine, and audiences were incredibly sympathetic to her actions in cheating(interestingly, the unfaithful Dr. did not come off all that bad , either, despite his incredible sthical violations and the fact that he had a devoted, nice wife that he was cheating on.)
That movie made me sick as i think it enforces the belief that WWs are driven to cheat by monstrous ogres. And, I know for a fact that this is how my NPDW has portrayed me.