No. I think you should let them know that she is abusing her child by berating the child for not calling her - after she has broken this child's heart. I think her parents and siblings need to know what her selfishness is now doing - to a CHILD! I think her family needs to tear her a new one for going that low, and that just maybe it's not too late for them to teach her some morals.

CP -I completely agree with you and I wish it were that simple. To act out against her will come back on me through the kids .She will play it up that I am telling stories about her etc. I would rather assure my sons that they are loved and secure here with me and not deal with her at all. I am documenting if needed later for court etc. What she has done recently has no comparison to the damage she has already done .

I fell off the web map for while ,I'm back :
One year ago this week I was in Myrtle beach golfing .Upon my arrival home 10:30pm Nov.1st my WW bombed me with the news that she was involved with another man and was happier than she ever has been . The next day she bombed our sons with "Mommy doesnt love dady anymore ,she has met another man whom she likes and Mommy and Daddy are breaking up ". That was harder to take than my own bombing .Today she has lost the relationship with her two older children ,23 and 25 (My step kids from ages 5 and 7) ,our 14 yr old son , her younger brother ,her best friend , our church family and all our friends and neighbors .Her mother is not happy with what she has done or is doing .Our younger son is plagued with nightmares and insecurities. She and thE Om take possesion of a new house (Not a home) this friday .DAMN , SHE IS HAPPEIR THAN SHE HAS EVER BEEN. Oh I forgot the OM has lost the realtionship with 2 of his 3 sons . DAMN THEY ARE BOTH HAPPIER THAN THEY HAVE EVER BEEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I am in better place than her but it still hurts. Every day it gets easier but I know it will take time to overcome all we have been through. I dont wish my WW to burn in hell but I do believe she is sitting at the doorstep warming her feet .

((((rod))))

Don't be so sure she is so happy. I believe the people waywards delude the most are themselves.

This is why you need an intermediary that will spam out any new info. Get better on your own.

What is going on legally? Was D or S filed? Is WW and OM buying this house together or renting one???? Protect your finances. What sort of custody is going on with the kids? Exposure to OM?

I dont believe that they are happy .Just the opposite .I have started a communication book for any info that needs be passed between the two of us regarding the kids.This book is passed back and forth with my younger son . My lawyer is very close to finishing our separation agreement .Soon that will be done and I and my sons can truly start our new lives .i am not sure who's nacme will be on the new house .i ahve spoken to my lawyer regarding that and it has no bering on me (In Canada).

I worry a great deal about how she is ever to reconcile with our children .I know it isnt my job to correct her mistakes but the dealing with the damage falls into my lap until she can make amends.She may never and that worries me.My children need their mother .She has messed up so much this time that she must do the repairs . I am concerned to say the least!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rod, they may need a mother, but IMO they don't need THAT one.

Until you realize that, and stop moping for her, your sons will follow your lead and THEY will mope for her.

I've said it before, but if you don't start doing the hard work of picking yourself off the floor, your kids are going to turn into basketcases, and it will be partially your fault.

Are you in weekly therapy? Are your sons?

ETA: Ok, I know that sounded rude. I'm not trying to. I'm trying to shake you up because from what I can see, you haven't changed anything from the week you came here. I know it's not your fault she left, BUT you are the person who should be acting like the adult in your sons' lives, and teaching them how to move forward.

They take all their clues from YOU. You are their WORLD right now. You have enormous power right now - you can teach them to expect to get kicked for the rest of their lives, and just live with it and be miserable.

Or you can teach them to dust themselves off, look around, and say 'What good can we make out of this?'

What kind of grownup son do you want - the former or the latter? Cos I can tell you, the former, he ain't pretty. And he'll probably try suicide a few times along the way, just like my brother did.

If you don't stop the pity party and start showing them ways to make lemonaide out of lemons, that's exactly the kind of sons you're creating.

Wow .Not sure what to say .I understand what you are trying to say and thank you (I think) . I am actually doing better than I (obviously) represent in my blog. My worry is about my kids .I do not mope for my Ex anymore .She has made her bed . I think I will be reading over your response a few times over the next little while .WOW !

I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings, really. It's just that I worry when I see parents so wrapped up in bad situations that they bring their kids down with them. It's not that you're doing anything bad, it's just that you're not expanding your scope to keep an eye on their mental health and seeing your own stamp on that.

To me, it's all about attitude. Think about the people in your life who make you smile when you think of them. Why is that? Nine times out of ten, it's because that person (1) CHOOSES to see everything in a good light; (2) faces adversity as something to overcome, not suffer through, and looks forward to what she can learn from it; and (3) is outwardly focused, not inwardly focused - meaning, the minute you start talking to this person, YOU are the only thing they care about; they're not checking the clock, thinking about the dry cleaning she needs to pick up, remembering how you ate her last cookie...she is just happy to spend time with you. And YOU benefit from it, and want to be around her again.

Now, consider the opposite. The person who sees life out to get them. Who EXPECTS to be dumped, fired, laughed at, or criticized. This person actually GETS this treatment from people exactly because they expect it and act accordingly. My brother was unhappy on his WEDDING day; I haven't seen him happy a single day in his life. My H approaches everyone in terms of waiting to see what they're going to do to him. What a life! What a waste!

I think our number one priority with kids is to teach them to grow up to be the first kind of person. Armed with that, they can accomplish anything.

Your kids are very vulnerable right now, and they are learning HOW to be by watching you. Are you taking them out to camping trips, bowling, walks, learning karate together, reading books together, seeing a counselor, making plans for next spring break's vacation...or are you coming home, watching tv, not talking, spending time on the computer instead of engaging them, eating off tv trays instead of around the kitchen table...

It's all in your attitude. Maybe you have a different life at home than you describe here. But from here, it sounds pretty dismal. And that's what they're learning is normal.

Hey Cat,

This is so insightful. Thank you. This is one I will reference a lot because it is a extremely healthy way to look at life.

Thanks for sharing it.
TB

Aw...

I just know it because I've spent my whole life around miserable people. I used to laugh. I chose not to be that kind of person, but life caught up to me. And I SO admired those people who are so loving and laughing and excited, and I just felt wonderful after being around them. I keep telling myself I want to BE one of them; sometimes when I catch myself saying a rude word, or turning my back, or checking the clock, I mentally kick myself and say shame on you!

It really IS a personal choice.

Bottomline, I want to be the person at my funeral who everyone just can't believe they were lucky enough to know.

I feel like I am defending myself but that is ok . If you look at the perspective that I only vent the bad stuff on this site you will see a blog void of positives .I dont come here to get affirmations about my positive life .I dont mention the positives as that is not why I am here .Yes I have lifted myself up off the ground involving my sons in many fun events ie.weekly hockey games , piano lessons,soccer leagues, hikes etc etc etc .I personally have been going to a weekly support group and have been involved in many weekend activites through this group.My kids are thriving socially and acedemically but I still worry about the effects of their mother of lack there of. The notion that they will do just fine without her is still alien to me .I have to learn to accept that will be ok despite her best efferts otherwise.

I am glad to hear that you are involved with life! Well done. Some folk become too concerned about the present circumstances. Quote " These things shall pass."

That's why I said I don't know if you are only venting here, but carrying on in a better light elsewhere. Sounds like you're doing great with them. I take it back!

fwiw, NO child will do 'just fine' when a parent leaves. But they will learn that they can handle adversity, if you approach it correctly. We all have to face bad things. If you are there alongside them, teaching them how to grieve, and then make a better life for themselves...then you'll have done as well as you can. The grief of a parent leaving is harder than a parent dying, but it is still grief. And you can help them learn that the rest of their lives need not be wrapped up around her. Sounds like you're on a great start.

No need to take it back Cat... I think all who spend time on this site have been to hell and hopefully back .I know I am back .Am I fully recovered ..no but , I know I'm moving on with my life .I will come out of this a better person with some costly but valuable lessons learned. Once again my children are my priority.

I got a call from the WW last night about other matters .I answered because I thought it might be my son calling. I asked her about counseling for him."Oh my counselor doesn't need to see him anymore.(She saw him once)The age that he is at is his imaginative years and that is the basis of what she sees as his problem " .She says that there is an excellent program at another facility where we would both go with him ."No I told her .I'm not going anywhere with you .I told her that I am making him an appointment with our Doctor tomorrow .Done .I was so angry .Once again I have to take care of the problem . I thought she was starting to see the damage she has done .I guess the blinders are still up and with the limited info she gave the counselor the result was already predetermined .

I got through first try to my doctor despite the H1N1 crisis and now await a call back from a counselor for my young son .EXCELLENT !!!!!!
Somebody is looking out for us . Let the healing begin !

What's wrong with your boy? When did it start?