Having been stuck in this a year with little or no progress i feel that Divorce would offer the beginnign of the end for the suffering.

Whats an at fault state dude?

Its a state where the Betrayed Spouse, gets a lot more of the chips if adultery is involved. I'm in Texas, its 50-50, no matter what happened! (WAH!) DUDE

Dude, BH28 lives in the UK, as you can see from her location data.

I can honeslty say i dont know much about divorce laws in the UK, howver i do know they are alot simpler and cheaper than in the US.
We dont have any great assets (we rent, dont have major savings etc) so financially im not worried, Hes the one who will get the brunt due to Child support here being very strict and due to his good wage he will loose alot. He will have to move in with parents as wont be able to afford to rent etc.
I on the other hand will be alot better off financially if we were D as would get alot of help from state benefits (not that i want that at all as i work but good to know there is help should i need it, i would never end up homeless or hungry).
Come to think of it I cant beleive how easy D is in UK compared to USA, un UK it makes no difference divorcing on the grounds of A or just cause you dont love eachother anymore the only time it matters if there is a Prenup and even those seem to be only used by the ritch and famous. There is no alimony etc only concern of couts here is children welfare. I cant decide if this system is good or bad. Just to give you an idea Divorces will not cost you more than 2000 usd here!

Doh - this is Bruitallyhonest28 by the way, on downstairs pc WH didnt log out so accidentally replyed using his ID. I usually use laptop and my WB ID is automatically saved on there. I wasnt snooping, promise!

Bh, this is not true for a lot of people. I think it will be true for you because you do not have major assets to divide, but a complication for you is the time factor.

To get a "no fault" divorce in England and Wales, there must be no objection from either spouse. If both spouses want the divorce, they must separate for 2 years. That alone causes delay.

If one spouse objects then they must separate for 5 years. That obviously causes a major delay.

The only way that the two or five years can be overriden is to cite something like adultery or abuse. However, you can only cite adultery for up to six months from first learning about it. If the act is repeated the clock starts again from zero, but I don't think you said that the affair continued within the last 6 months. As I understand it, that six month window has passed for you so now it would be a case of two years' separation - if your H does not contest the petition. If he does, it would be five.

I don't know what "abuse" might mean, apart from physical abuse. It might be that emotional abuse could be recognised by a court, but I have never researched that. I only researched adultery because of my own situation.

Even with the relatively quick case of adultery, the division of assets and the consideration of the children's best interests - which might mean speaking to them - can slow things down so that the outcome is a two-year wait anyway. For children to be spoken to, a date must be set for a visit and then a report must go back to the judge...that stage could take a few months.

I also think you are wrong on cost; if a couple are trying to protect their assets they will retain bulldog lawyers who spend a lot of time making legal arguments and charging hundreds for each hour's work, before they ever get in front of a judge. Then you must factor in the other losses, such as having to give half your assets to someone who leaves you for an OP, and perhaps having maintenance if a wife can convince a judge that she is not living with OP.

I don't know where you get the idea that there is no maintenance here? We do not call it alimony, but it exists. Many people pay a lot more than $2000 when all is taken into account..

Finally, you might think you cannot lose financially, but if your aunt in Italy dies before the settlement and leaves you her house, that becomes a marital asset and your H might be entitled to half its value, adultery or not. That happened to a friend of mine (with her mother in England dying) and she now will not divorce her walk-away WH because he will be entitled to some of the money her mother left her, or so she has been advised by a solicitor.

WOW SC
Really had no idea it was that complicated only case i got reference from was my close friends who her WH repeatedly cheated, one day she kicked him out (more than 6 months had passed since his latest affair) because she had just snapped out of caring about him. They were both working and had no major assets like us and he contested the divorce very very hard, even using the fact that he was not mentally fit (has bi polar) and therefore was not in compus mentus state to agree to divorce. They had 2 children and court date was set to sort out childrens best interest. Divorce came through no problems within a year despite his valid reasons for contesting it, she named O Women as reason for divorce and their name is actually printed in her divorce papers! the whole process cost her �150 as she was on low income (thats about 300 USD). However I will point out they did not use any lawyers in any of this process so that might be why this case is different.
Now it has been 2 years since her divorce, she is in new relationship happy and settled her WS is literally living on streets in rags, walking around mumbling, he stops by our house sometimes and he is literally a homless person. He has been institutionalised many many times and has no contact with kids as he really is not aware of the world around him, he is a shell of the person he used to be and i have know him 10 years so that just goes to show what happens to some WS when they think the grass will be greaner on the other side. Maybe i should tell her about site so she can tell you her story herself. It really is amazing.

The six-month limit for divorcing on the grounds of adultery in the UK is actually quite flexible as to reason, as I found when I was pursuing my own divorce application. It doesn't necessarily have to be based on an outright act of adultery; any act on yllan's part that is connected to the adulterous behaviour and causes unbearable trauma to BH28 can be used as a basis for the six month period. The fact that yllang still works with OW and has contact with her might well be enough. I was able to start proceedings based on an action by FWH that had nothing to do with the OW.

Ps My grandmother passed away and left me substantial inheritance, the paperwork for this is going through as we speak and money will arrive by April 2010, I hadnt even considered this!!! how can i protect my inheritance?

Oh dear! could it be that he is acting all "im committing, etc" just cause of inheritance?

IM IN MEGA PARANOIED MODE NOW. thanks !

I think you'd have to consult a solicitor on that, BH, but I suspect it will all be part of the communal property pot, which will include division of your H's pension. If it's a substantial amount, it might also rule you out of receiving Legal Aid, if you were hoping for that.

no i wouldnt be entitled to legal aid so thats not issue, my inheritance is very substantial, we have never had that kind of money ever!
I know i sound naive but he has never ever been financially selfish so i cant see why he would be waiting for inheritance to file for D.
Its just a shock when i realised about it, i hadnt even considered and it sent me into mega paranoied mode.
If he isnt being genuine it will soon show up so let wait and see.

That's good to know. TA. What you say might explain the speed of Bh's friend's divorce.

I read a solicitors' website, and it did not go into any details of that flexibility. I could see that the firm was touting for business, but I did not mind that; the legal facts seemed to be quite clearly stated. The site kept saying that you should contact them for individual advice - which is only fair - but it was very detailed and explained certain concepts very well.

I thought it tried to put plaintiffs off citing adultery. It said clearly that you get no extra money for it, and it seemed to be saying that you cannot compel the OP to answer the charge. It said that bad feeling was caused for the kids. The only value to the BS was to salve her pride, and it was not worth the fight to get that. It said that in many cases, because of assets, the decree might not come through much more quickly than a two-year deal.

However, I can see that many people on MB would not take advice from a solicitor on how important it was to get the fact of adultery on record.

The site pointed out that the six months referred to the BS's knowledge of the event, not the event itself. If a BS found out about an affair from 20 years ago, they had six months to file for adultery. After that it is the longer route.

Bh, you really must see what can be done legally to protect your inheritance. In many states in the US a post-nuptual agreement could be made binding. A document could be drawn up to say that if further adultery by WS leads to divorce, the BS gets practically all the assets. tst has an agreement like this. I don't know that such an agreement would be respected by an English judge.

I think that there are problems with post-nups. The poster Niitse and her H recently asked what would happen if there were an affair and the WS hid it; the post-nup could not be brought into play, obviously, and there is no incentive for an active WS to be honest about the reason for leaving. What could the BS do if months after the "no fault" divorce, the FWS moved in with someone? Nothing could be proved.

If the post-nup is drawn up to protect the original BS, what happens if the BS becomes a WS? There probably would not be a clause to cover that, because the BS would not have wanted at the time of reconciliation; it gives no security. The point of the post-nup is to give the BS financial security as compensation for the risk they are taking by going back with the FWS.

Divorce is no picnic, it seems.

Wow and i thought that keeping a marriage together was hard, maybe i dont want D i want legal separation first. Im in no hurry to meet anyone and remarry so what are the ACTUAL benefits of D in my case a part from finilaising marriage brake up.

As far as inheritance goes, discussed with WS and he is adamant that he would not touch it and is prepared to go to solicitor to draw up docs to secure inheritance is mine and kids and he has nothing to do with it.

I do feel a bit bad for thinking badly of WS as he has never ever been selfish with money infact i have to force him to spend money on himself and even then he struggles. For some reason he just doesent like spending money on himself, he has been like this since we married (10 years) so I dont see why this would change now. When we have spare money it goes on kids/house first then if i drag him shopping he might get himself something and even then its a struggle to explain to him that he works hard and the spare money is his as much as ours. I really cant fault him on that point.

Marriage update

Ws gone to shops to get items for dinner, im in really histerical state i cant stop laughing at everything, it feels like the tension of the past couple of days is all coming out in histerical giggling! (weird i know). Feeling relaxed as WS home and not at work with OW, i cant beleive how much difference that makes to my overall mood, i feel relaxed and calm i dont know why i didnt notice this fact for a year!

I dont know what we are doing after dinner maybe more talking, maybe more laughing i really dont know right now.

Little ickle problem, WS want phisical contact, im just not sure, im scared of letting my guards down and hamper his current status of working hard to sort out marriage. I dont want him to get complacent etc. But at the same time i cant hold intimacy as a bargaining tool especially when for the past year my mind set had been along the lines of i have to give him what he wants when he wants it or he might go elswere for it etc. This led to many incidents of me having vivid thoughts of A during Intimacy, and just gritting my teeth and getting on with it when all i wanted to do was get him off me. Deed over i wait for him to fall asleep and then cry myself to sleep. The above status has improved over the year and there are some really good times when i want to be close to him and i forget about A during intimacy but tonight im just torn. Any ideas??

Document his emotional needs.

Sexual Fulfillment (SF) is typically very high on a man's list (and often on a woman's).

It's my #1 need... and for me, my WW filling it helps fill the love bank when the fallout from her emotional affair keeps draining it.

Bh,

That seems to me like an improper, inappropriate, intrusive question and I suggest you do not answer it.

THE INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION IS STILL THERE.

@SugarCane: Assuming you felt it was my question that was inappropriate, I re-worded it to be rhetorical for Brutallyhonest28 to ask herself rather than answer on the boards.

Barnboy, what do you not get about this? You have twice changed the wording but the question is still there.

It is distasteful for you to ask this detail of another person's sex life on a public discussion board. You are a man, she is a woman and it looks perverted. Please remove it altogether.

@SugarCane I disagree with your assessment; if someone opens the door to intimacy issues on the board, it's appropriate to address them. However, out of respect for your contribution to the thread I've removed the passage to which you took offense.

You may wish to do likewise.

It is appropriate to address the issue she raised, Barnboy, not to raise your prurient one.

Why would she need to ask herself that question, Barnboy? She knows the answer!

I'm disturbed that YOU wanted to know the answer!