Forgot to mention - as an OC - and as a girl who wanted a cuddly daddy and got a raging alcoholic most of the time instead - I still love the man who raised me and honor him as my father. The OM was a sperm donor and an impostor who I do not have a good opinion of - I understand and have compassion for how he stepped off the path of faithfulness (I've met his wife and she "made an impression" - let me put it kindly). At the same time, he chose to break his vows, harm his wife and his children in a way that he cannot fix. There are no excuses because there are people hurt the way his wife hurt him who don't break their vows. He is 100% responsible for the harm done to my family and his own.

That's how this OC feels. Consider that I wasn't raised by an OW who was a drunken sleep-around-ONS kind of woman - and she put up with abuse I could not have put up with. Dad locked a part of himself away before he came home from WWII and never let that part out, except to win her heart; then he locked it back up and only let the fighting man out - and he broke her heart and her body more than once!

I was exposed to a faith-based foundation as a child and after I moved away from home, learned how God loves me and placed people in my path all the way along that broken abusive childhood to let me know of His love. My parents didn't know this God. But because of them, I came to know Him later.

I don't know if this confuses you, but I hope it gives you clarity. If that OC has any hope of goodness in her life, she needs YOU to be her mother, NOT OW.

Hi Kayla~
I agree with you totally!!! I just wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, OW does not have a history of this behavior. She was recently divorced from her husband, has a 4 yo. and a 1 yo. She was drunk and made this stupid mistake also.

You would think she could see that WE could raise this child in a loving, financially stable home. She is living with her parents. Our parents tell us we never know what can happen, but that is a false hope as I don't see her willingly giving him up after he is 5 mos. old. I think there was a greater chance at birth, but when she said no, my H did not push it.

I actually went to hospital alone after OC was born to meet her and OC. She was very nice (granted reserved). Took her to lunch and explained how much I love H and how everything in me says to run, but that I just couldn't. Couldn't imagine living at 70 yo without him. I asked her if she knew I was unable to have kids. She said yes. I was hoping I could meet her, she would see that I was rational, educated, loving, etc. and that she would give OC to us, but that didn't happen and that visit was 4 mos. ago. H has not talked to her alot, but she has never mentioned my visit with her to him. I, personally, didn't ask her for OC, but the other things I said made it evident. Again, she wants nothing from us. If we "rock the boat" and lose, she is likely to come after us and demand CS plus.......

This situation really sucks and is truly a no win. I am praying for a miracle, whatever that may be, and trying to move forward with H. Although I really don't have much sympathy for him, I do feel sad that he is sad, but I don't feel bad enough (as of today) to put aside my own hurts and include OC as my stepson, especially since we are likely moving far away.

Sigh.....

Migsamac: I think I remember your story. I lost everything when the site went down too, so you aren't alone.

I can only give you my perspective on this. I'm sure it's different for every OC.

While I was growing up, I didn't really understand the situation. I knew that my mom and dad weren't married, that my father was married to someone else and had another family, and that most of my father's family didn't know about me. His wife knew and his oldest daughter, who was 17 at the time of my birth knew, but that's about it. My father was only a part of my life in a very marginal way in that, until I was about 12, his A with my mother was still ongoing. He was a musician, and would often come over to our house to see my mother late at night after he got off work. We would occasionally go out to lunch with him, or meet him at a park, or go see his band play at the bar. Yes, my mother took a baby/child to a bar. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Growing up, all of this was very confusing to me. I didn't understand at all. I felt like a dirty little secret, a closet skeleton. Whenever we would go to see my dad, my mother always warned me not to ask any questions. I felt dirty. I felt as though I didn't have any right to exist. An entire side of me was missing and I had no way to find out anything about it. I think this very much affected how I grew up to see myself and think about myself. I've always had extremely low self-esteem.

As I got older, I came to understand that what happened between my mother and father had nothing to do with me. It was no reflection on who I was as a person. My mother had held onto the hope that someday my father would leave his wife and marry her for a long time, so I grew up with this fantasy in my mind. As I matured, I realized that my father actually did the right thing by staying with his family. He paid child support to my mother for 18 years. No, he wasn't really a father to me, but I did eventually come to respect him for being there for his COM's. I probably would have respected him more if he had ended the A with my mother and not strung her along for 12 years, but that's another story.

I haven't seen my father since I was 14. I've had his address for about 9 years now, thanks to a real estate agent friend, but I haven't contacted him. I've written him a few letters, but I've never sent them. Sometimes, I still feel the urge to contact him and get the answers to some of my questions, but I can never quite bring myself to do it. The fact of the matter is, he was never really a part of my life in any meaningful way. He wasn't really my father. I never had a father, since my mother chose to hold onto a fantasy rather than find an available companion. It seems to me that now, anything my father could say wouldn't really matter all that much. It wouldn't change anything. I am who I am because of the experiences that I have had. He wasn't a part of any of that. I don't think that seeing him or talking to him would change much, and that's probably why I don't do it.

I don't know if I've answered your question, or even what your question is exactly. Will the OC be affected by the absence of your H in his/her life? Almost definitely. But the OC would also be affected if you did choose to have contact. Either way, the OC isn't going to grow up in ideal circumstances where his/her mother and father are in a committed and loving relationship. There are no ideal circumstances when a child is born as the result of an A. You just do the best you can with what you have to work with. I think, right now, the most important thing is that you and your H agree on how you want to handle this situation. There is no right or wrong answer.

Thanks so much for this writer. I cannot tell you how this board has helped me work through this. Your perspective is very unique and MUCH appreciated.


I hope "our" OC will also realize this one day.


If this is not the truth, I don't know what is. I just can't make my H completely realize this. I'm not sure what he thinks "ideal" can be in this situation (with OW not choosing to let us/me adopt OC). FTS or Faithy told me once that we have to weigh the "total harm/total benefit" ratio. Well when I weigh that, I come up with NC... so OC will not have to constantly evaluate and reevaluate his place in each families lives, so I will not have to deal with the pain of infertility each time I see OC, so our friends, family, etc won't be completed devasted, and I could go on and on with the reasons. Our family is likely much more stable financially, emotionally, educationally, and morally. I shudder to think how OC is going to grow up with OW (I don't think it will be all bad, just not as well as it would be with my family...of course, I'm biased).

It makes me sad for OC, but I suppose this is the way it's going to have to be. I would prefer to just deal with OC if and when he comes knocking in many years to come.

Migs,
I remember your story - glad you came back. I can understand that you feel sad for your H. I think I've said this before - the most important thing right now is you, your H and your M. Who knows what the future will bring - put it in God's hands and release it from yours. Tell your H too - let God take the burden off his shoulders - you both focus on being happy and having the relationship you both want. It's to overwhelming when you think about all the what ifs.

Gg

Hi GG~

Thanks so much for your post. I am doing this....trying so hard to move forward. See that it took you 2 years??? I can see that. Wish I had a crystal ball and could see my life 2 years from now. I am not sure yet what recovery looks like or if we are even in recovery. But, I know that as of today, I am willing to stick this out b/c I love my H so. Am just hoping the tide will turn my way soon.

Hey Migs

I think i have good solution, as stated above im an OC and BW so can really sympathise with both sides, What upset me as an OC is that my exsistance was ignored, resented and hated by my fathers family and my mother was not a good person therefore didnt have great life wich sounds similar to what OW might be like.

Consider getting WS to write letter to OC (to give to OW to give to OC when he/she starts asking question when older), explaining what happened that he does love him/her and will be there for him/her should they need him but due to situation has not been able to be involved in his/her life when they were younger, fill the letter with as much love and care as he can as if he is talking to OC in adulthood not as a child. Ask WS to write the letter avoiding tarishing OW as this will stop letter being passed on when the time is right. Also keep copy of letter with you for your own record should OC contact you in adulthood asking why's you can demonstrate that you cared.

Consider maintaing contact by letters to OC as he grows up assess situation and if OC still has no father figure then carry on contact via letters only. This will make OC feel cared about in some way and will hopefully not interfere with your family too much.

As an OC i beleive that being cared about and not feeling disposible by fathers family (due to mistakes that are nothing to do with me) would have been of great help to me so thats why i suggest above plan.

As BW i can see letter (not email, not phone just letter) contact can be easyer to handle as its private and should be less frequent than other methods, its a way for WS to fulfill OC emotional needs and still be transparant and committed to his own family. Yes this will not make it easy to try and forget exsistance of OC adn move on with your life but i guarantee you the guilt of having NC with OC will make it just as hard to forget and move on.

I agree with BrutallyHonest, at least to some extent. I don't know if you would be comfortable maintaining ongoing contact via mail, but I do think that having your WH write a letter to the OC that his mother will be able to give him when he is old enough to understand is a good idea. It would be nice to have something from your H when the OC is old enough to start asking questions. Also, your H might want to include some pictures of himself, as well as a detailed medical history. These are things that the OC may want someday.

Before we established complete NC, I tried to get the OM in my case to write a letter to our OC. He said he would, but he never did. I also tried to get him to give me his blood type while I was pregnant, since I am Rh negative and would need a shot if he were Rh positive so that there wouldn't be any incompatibility issues with the baby if she turned out to be positive. He never did tell me his blood type. I have a very sketchy medical history. I only have a few pictures of him that I took during my A. I also have one picture of his daughters - my OC's half sisters. I have precious little to offer her when and if she does want to know about her biological father, and that really bothers me. I didn't know much about my father while I was growing up, and I hate the fact that I have put my daughter in a similar situation. That's been the hardest part of all this for me. How could I have done to her what my mother did to me? I have to try really hard not to beat myself up over it, and I keep reminding myself that my OC will have a father, unlike me, even if it isn't her biological father.

I do think it's important that the OC grow up knowing that they didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with the OC. They didn't choose this and it doesn't make them a bad person. It took me far too many years to figure that out on my own, since no one ever told me that I was okay and that I had a right to exist.

My childhood wasn't very happy either. I pray that things turn out better for the OC in your case.