What is the NC terms...I haven't been able to find it on the web site.

blindsidedbetty...I'm with you. I know that my WH is responsible but I REALLY want to see her pay for what she was also a part of. I would REALLY like to cause her a little grief. Unfortunately my Christian values are kicking in and although I have tons of info that could cause issues for her...I have been good. But I REALLY would like to return the favor! Maybe that is just my way of changing the focus...I don't know.

I had a LONG talk with WH today and feel like I really broke through to him...we'll see. I told him that although he is ready to move on...this is my way of moving on (MB, talking, etc) and that if there is going to be any hope of getting through or over...this is what NEEDS to happen! I also feel that he is willing to look at changing jobs...but I'm really worried about it. I don't think I'm going to feel any better regardless where he is...in my mind whether it is her again or another OW...what will be the difference? And I think it is unfair to me and the girls to suffer once again because of a job change...less money. We are doing ok but a cut in pay would definitely put us on the edge. Is there anyone who has survived without the job change???

SusieQ,
Just wondering what makes you think that it was a PA and not just an EA.

What are some ways to check to see if there is still communication? Any advice?

How do you prove it was a PA and not an EA? Or do you just treat it as a PA and move on with recovery?

Blindsidedbetty: RE: NC letter. It should be written by him, approved by you and sent by you, to her. That's the best way to assure it says what it needs to say and it gets to where it needs to go. I'm pretty sure there are examples on this website. You can shout out to MelodyLane--she usually has a link to a sample NC letter which is short and to the point.

As for anything your WH says about the OW, her marriage, etc.--don't believe it. He's an alien in your husband's body.

our stories seem so similar, in the beginning i was actually scared and concerned for the OW she is after all only 24, WH is 44 i even tried to get him to see this, our daughter is only 2 years younger how would he feel if this were her? My heart actually hurt for her, for awhile. Then as the months went by and i saw how she pursued him as well as him her, and talked freely to women friends of mine, i began to see that she was and is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions and hurting me and my family my compassion and empathy for the predicament she found herself in became very limited. The longer it took, and takes for my WH to put in effect NC letter, even though he says he has put in barriers to prevent contact on any level, she is unaware of this except for unanswered texts. if in fact contact has ended. we have also had heart to hearts, he is and has shown remorse, says it is hard for him to see the pain he has caused me that is why he wants us to move on, move forward and stop dwelling on the past. i try to express to him that for me it is still the present, i need to talk about it over and over and over, until all my questions are answered, those that go unanswered cause my brain to make up things or see ill intent where maybe there isnt any. honesty no matter how brutel is still better than being "blindsided betty" those landminds we tend to step on are so much worse than the storm we willing chose to walk through My hope for you is the same hope i have for me, keep communicating on every level, keep meeting each others needs, keep plan Aing him, keep seeking wisdom from those that have weathered the storm and pray that a safe harbor is just around the corner. Don't give up, don't forget why you love him and why you are a family. Don't give up on you either. you are just as important, maybe even more so. the only thing i could do after DDay was breath, i couldn't eat, sleep, think could barely walk and talk, I just told myself to wake up every day, when i did sleep and breath. moment by moment, second by second....just breath
just know this broken heart shares your pain.....

I agree. I'd wait to see if you really need to talk to OW. Especially when they're so young and aren't married.

Sorry to jump in on you, Susie, but I was thinking the same thing - it's a PA. The reason I was thinking it was because it seems that women in an EA aren't so quick to put their "I love you" emotional investment out there unless something physical has happened, because 'good girls' don't do 'that' unless they're 'in love'. I've read that women need to justify the A by saying they're "in love". AN EA is 'safe' to a WW, justification arrives along with a PA. Dunno, just what I've read and what is true in my WH's case.

First, it is kind of a given that most waywards start out trying to say "it was only emotional" unless there is proof of more so the proclamation of your WH that it was only an EA is worthless. Besides that's what waywards do ~ they look you straight in the eyes and lie.

Second, for the most part, I think EAs quickly progress to a PA *unless* there is lack of opportunity (such as they live in dif states, etc). Any claimed EA that is more 1-2 months raises a red flag to me.

Next, when you know at some point during the "EA" the affair partners spent time together alone, especially at night, *especially* drinking, (as you describe in your story w/ your WH coming home at 1am when he was supposed to be at work and you immediately had a funny feeling about it), I would be REAL money something physical happened that night...

At the time of my FWH's EA, he went out of town and there was one night he was out at a bar w/colleagues. I had a funny feeling about that night. He denied anything happened but was gaslighting me the same way your H is gaslighting you. I finally insisted on a polygraph. When he saw that I wasn't going to back down from this, he finally broke down and told me everything. He had "made out" with a 2nd OW while he was away.

Once he told me the whole truth, he stopped gaslighting me, wasn't funny or hesitant about any of my questions like he had been when he was lying, finally all the pieces of the puzzle made sense with the details he provided, and he was more than willing to take a poly (I bluffed him and said I had set it up, he was fine with it and no more details came out so I didn't follow thru w/it). Afterwards, he said he was relieved. It tore down a huge wall that he had built up and, my gosh, we were able to make so much progress in R after he didn't have to hide anything anymore...

The problem with your WH is that he may be hesitant in admitting this was anything more than an EA as he is worried you will insist on him leaving the workplace or that you will make more noise.

For myself, one of my top ENs is O&H so I cannot live with "not knowing". Can you? You have every right to ask your H to take a poly since he decided to go outside the M. I have the sense that you will be more confident in insisting that he leave the job where OW is once you know the full truth...which is good cuz the M won't R if he stays there.

Where do you go to get a polygraph?

Thanks!

Holy Cow...just found a local company...it cost $500 for a polygraph. :\

WH has agreed to take a polygraph. I did not tell him that it costs $500. I told him that I was going to schedule it...he said ok.

The Polygraph will produce some interesting facts. I have read others talk about the confessions that come out the day before the polygraph is scheduled to happen. Others talk about how the WS wants to then tell just enough to cancel the polygraph completely. Lot's of games played and lies told by WS's, but I think you are doing the right thing. The truth hurts but it is an important truth to know.

I saw Dr Phil last week where a woman was taking tennis lessons and fell for her male instructor. A full blown affair broke out and a weekend in Vegas happened, etc. I felt bad for the husband, just a nice guy that was watching his entire family going out the window. The older kids said they didn't even know who their mother was or is now that Mr. Wonderful Tennis instructor entered the family. Dr Phil laid the cards out well for her but I don't think she really got it, since the fog for her is so thick. She smirked and went through the motions. I remember those days and they are hell for the BS.

Let us know about the polygraph. Good Luck.

TooSoon