Bh, I don't think you should ask him to leave now. You are making decisions when you are very upset, and that is not a good idea. I think you should grit your teeth, engage in no more marriage or affair talk for now with your H (come to this board, though) and wait until you each have your session with Steve.

Very few people here would say that a marriage should be preserved at all costs, but I think most would say that you should wait for your emotions to settle down, and see whether you have the resolve to work at this after a few months, not days or weeks, of concerted MB efforts. Your children will be affected by separation and divorce, and if they can have happy parents and a stable family life they will be much better off in every way. You should be able to speak to Steve in no more than a week, so very little would be lost by waiting, and there might be much gain.

I know you have been battling this affair for a year, but, because you only came here a few days ago and began to see what is needed for recovery, it feels as if D Day was only last week. Your H might get the new job he is after, and that alone will make you feel different and not in fear every time he goes to work. Please at least wait to speak to Steve, and to find out about the job, if you can.

The problem is that your WH's affair is ongoing, as he sees the OW daily. The letter he wrote was NOT a NC letter. NC stands for NO CONTACT. That letter was a "I hate your guts but I'll see you every day" letter. Your marriage experiences a DDay every day for a year, so of course you're not in recovery.
Try establishing TRUE NC for a few weeks and see if things improve in terms of your own self esteem.

WH has not been to work since Sunday, we both took time off to talk sort things out so for the last 3 days ateast contact with OW has not been an issue. Job update is that he has sent resume and covering letter with my friend JJ who came over again last night to personally collect them and prsonally hand them into her HR department and her words are she would happily put her job reputation on line to guarantee WS as she has know us 10 years and know that he is not work shy and committed to doing good job when he is at work (ironic cant do that at home).

I dont know if i can live in same house as him and see his lack of care daily. I got myself out of bed going to spend some time on me and doing my hair/nails etc just cause im done moping. Need to get on with my life with or without him and that starts today he is still clearly not on board as downstairs doing his own thing even though he knows that when kids go to bed tonight he needs to pack his stuff.

Guys lets face facts here the man just doesent care about me, or his kids. So why should i care about him anymore?

Im not happy and im not glad this is happening but im at peace that i have personally tryed everything in my power to make things work and will be able to look my children in the face and say to them that i have tryed so my conscience is clear (wonder if he will be able to say the same).

Yes being on this site has brought up dormant feelings and made D-day feel like it was only yesterday and i think thats a good thing as we all agree living in fog never helped anyone.


I feel so sorry for him, he will have nothing and no one once he looses me and he just wont realise that in time to help himself. Sad sad man.

I'm not sure of the wisdom of having WH pack up and leave like a coward in the middle of the night. Then what will the kids think? You need to sit down with the four of them TOGETHER and explain what you're about to do.
Too hard?
Then maybe you're not ready to do it yet.
If you let him slink away in the middle of the night, the boys will never forgive either of you. You will have uprooted their confidence. You really CAN'T do that.
Sit down with a counselor and figure out how to break this to the boys if you really plan to D. Don't wreck their future just because you're mad.
Take a deep breath. None of this has to happen tonight. It's not like you're in immediate physical danger. Relax and figure this out. You waited a year. You can wait a little longer.

BH, you had a plan, remember? The plan was made when you were feeling calm and unemotional. Stick to the plan.

TA

OK picture this, im sitting at home running around doing housework hat he couldnt get done this morning because supposedly he was thinking about us (no evidence to support that statement by the way, He is over at his parents house with the kids sorting out his fathers computer issues. Has been there 3 hours now. Calld his mum (as he wouldnt answer cell phone) and kindly advised her that kids need bathing/dinner and WS needs to bring kids home (i end up looking like evil person cause im saying something WS should be saying to his mum not me!) Feel horrible as mum shocked i was firm in my request when normally i put his familys needs about my own family an would have let him stay there as long as he needed to sort out PC without complaint (but to be honest state of house right now really getting to me im a cleaning freack and house is a tip, kids have school in the morning and need to be bathed and fed and go to bed at reasonable time.

So any minute now WS should be home and im left to do everything while dealing with A issues and breack up too.

Thank God you guys are here or i would be feeling so on my own right now.

Regarding moving in the night i dont want kids to see daddy packing his stuff, he will be living with his parent (10 mins away) and will be here in the morning to take them to school etc so they wont notice he has gone straight away. I dont know how to sit them down yet but ill discuss with WS once anger subides as now he risks getting phisically maimed if he comes anywhere near me unless he is approaching me to do something positive.

PS there has never been violence in our relationship and im not violent person at all (otherwise OW would have been 6ft under by now) so above statement was made to demonstrate level of anger not to be taken literally

BH - I am so sorry you are going through this. You seemed so strong a few days ago. I am feeling at the end of my rope today as well. But... maybe this is the wake up call he needs? I don't know. I hate that we are all going through these difficult times. Pray. Sometimes it is the only thing that gets me through.

I'm sorry you are feeling done. I do agree with others advice. You should not make decisions when you are so emotional. It is easy for me to say, not as easy to take my own advice. I am counting days until plan B.

Bh,

If you do go through with separating tonight (which I hope you do not), please go through with the telephone coaching when an appointment comes through.

Bh,

TogetherAlone has a bit of a gift for helping buffoons like me & your husband see ourselves as we are. She's weighed in with him, I hope he takes it to heart. Stand your ground as you are, but don't give up.

Gloveoil im glad your posting on here cause i have yet to read a single one of your posts without crying my eyes out, you have got it spot on with what WS should do TONIGHT when you postd on his forum. You seem to be one of the few people that does get to WS (especially after reading gift to wife poem) so please carry on helping him for my sake. YOU ARE getting to him and thats good PLEASE PLSEASE PLSEASE keep helping him

BH

Don't give up yet. MBers is new to him too and he needs a bit of time to think this through and do the right thing. He certainly has potential and for now is still foggy.

You need to keep him with you and keep him close.

Put your emotional head to one side and think this through logically.

I really think you have lots of chance- him moving out will not improve the situation at all.

COncentrate on you for sure - make sure you are looking after yourself,

I'm trying to discover faith at the mo - praying sure helps me chose the right path - give it another go.

ST

PS WS mother just called asking me to reconsider kicking him out, said he was paniking etc but was feeling too tiered to think clearly.
Im impressed as i didnt tell ayone a part from you guys and him about him leaving tonight (mostly because most of my firends will gladly help throw his clothes out the window if i let them as they witnessed my pain and lack of progress with him) I wanted this to be my decision so didnt tell anyone a part from you guys and WS. So WS must have told his own mother however Annoyed to the Max as she is making excuses for him as he has made excuses for him that strangely resounded excuses he has been making on here and been told to OWN (clearly he hasnt owned a thing yet then)

WTF he had MOMMY call for him...because he's "tired"?

What about YOU?

The nerve.

I've kept quiet, but I read his thread, then I read here and I can't be silent.

He needs to seriously grow a set and DO instead of sitting around scratching his head and wondering why you're not magically okay.

ARGH!

You're not going to make any progress with him over at Mommie's house. Get him to spend the night, screw the mom/dad's computer. They can hire someone. Give him a list of things that have to happen TODAY for you to consider working on recovery. Then give him a list of things that will need to happen SOON (like this month) for continued work. His decision. He either does them or he's out. Actions speak. I'm only listening to his "I'm so emotionally dead" babble for a week now, and I'm sick of hearing it. I can only imagine how aggravated you must be.
Tell him to SHOW what he wants the M to be, not tell you. That shouldn't take too much emotion on his part. Own your mistakes yllanoitomE. Stop being a coward.

Hey everyone, Housework done, kids in bed and finally managed to have shower, do hair and basically just catch up on some girly bits, feeling better (WS sitting downstairs on MB, progress made by him 0, attempt at making progress by him 0 chances of him being asked to leave today too high to put into numbers)

So im taking time to reply to posts

First thank you so much for caring, its so amazing to find people in like you guys who despite having the urge to run a mile from A and hide head in the sand you go on here and help others, it amazes me and makes me have faith in the human race.

Claygal sorry to hear your having tough day i have been rubbish helper today and promise to catch up with whats going on with you today i promise.

SugarCane, I wont allow him to stay in this house tonight unless he gets off his bottom an actually do something to help himself and me. I just cant take anymore stupid comments and daily humiliations just cause he conviniantly convinced himself he is a freack of nature that has no emotions. Im not expecting him to climb mount everest tonight but i do want to see him atleast putting one foot in front of another and starting to take steps towards it. Obviously too much to ask!
Telephone coaching appointment requested awaiting reply from coaching centre, cant do anything else about that.

to be continued WS wants to Talk again
more talk talk talk and NO ACTIONS for me, yipeeee (not)

I've asked him what ACTIONS he's made to meet your ENs at least 3 times.

Instead of answering me and telling me what he is actively doing for you, he's focused on his stupid arsed letter to the OW and everyone's response to that.

I do not think he "gets" that it's is inaction - his lack of actions to back up words - that has pushed you this far.

I think he's calling your bluff. I don't think he "gets" how far he's pushed you and how empty your Love Bank is. Not only that, I get the feeling that he thinks this is YOUR problem and not his.

Good job on sorting you.

I hope he comes to you with some good talk and shows that he has been taking something in. He's certainly heard enough of the same thing over and over - some of it should have sunk in.

If there is any glimmer - fly with it for now, more will start to come and then when emotions are slighty more even you will then be able to reflect on any changes in him more effectively

THinking of you

Please refer to post i just put on his thread, he is now trying to negotiate way to put things on hold until steve call. I stand by what i want, IM NOT WAITING FOR STEVE CALL until he shows that he has some little piece of humanity (that theres hope Steve can pull it out of him etc) cause right now all i see is empty negotiation, no begging no pleading and no way near saying how much he wants to be here and why he wants to be here and that i mean anything to him.
I have spent a year doing things his way and compromising, he got to show me even an ounce of progress, or he can go keep his pride warm tonight at his parents house.

WS gone to have thinking time again, im calm cool and collected, no shouting patronising or threats, reiterated need him to go or DO no more excuses his options are clear so im continuing my interrupted thread that i started above replying to earlyer threads (got to keep busy so not to panik and take less than what i have asked for).

GloveOil - i know staytogether and everyone been amazing but apparently he is right and we are all wrong so hey, isnt it nice how he thinks that the world revolves around himself.
Have you noticed that WS has not replyed to your comments, he knows he cant make excuses to you as your A time line is same as his and yet u made progress he hasnt, your the biggest threat he has on this forum because of this.

Staytogether- "Don't give up yet. MBers is new to him too and he needs a bit of time to think this through and do the right thing. He certainly has potential and for now is still foggy."
Agree with you however he CANNOT see that i will tolerate anymore complaicency from him, hes the one who said "I guess the reason why i never got off my basckside and done anything to repair Marriage was because i have never felt i truly lost you throughout this" when someone says something like that to you what choice does it leave you but to show him what loosing me is like!

Ill have to clarify this cause however angry i get im always fair, his mum called to say kids and WS on their way back home. i apologised about earlyer conversation and told her i was stressed because housework didnt get done etc she said "and why do you think housework didnt get done?". I knew at that point WS had spoken to her and me and MIL got into converstion about what was going on, i can honestly say she didnt phone on his behalf etc but im annoyed because he used the same excuses he supposedly is now owning with his mum. Shes a sweet lady and still finds it hard to beleive WS did that to his family having brought him up with good morals etc, she is along the same lines as him (OW evil duped her little son into affair etc), i dont want to hurt her by revealing extent of manipulation WS did during affair so let her think what she wants. She also feels guilty because affair started to get serious when WS was staying with her after we had two weeks apart because he was having inapopriate contact with other women on net.
to be continued ...

maybe you should asking him what actions hes made to meet my NEEDS not EMOTIONAL NEEDS. As every time anyone mentions E word off we go on the same "im not emotional" rollercoaster, he doesent get that we are talking about my EMOTIONAL needs not HIS.

Can you beleive this guy had a full blown affair yet he s playing dumb cause of wordings being used on post! now you can appreciate my shock at Affair.