Quick update, i have now received a half decent list of things WS is owning up to pre- post and during A. (WS composed list unaided by me and without me suggesting/hinting at is so give yoursleves a gold star for breacking through to him, i was on here when he did it and i didnt even know he was doing it as was really hoping and concentrating on grovelling first)

Glad about progress but still hurt as the list was about HIM and HIS owning and it will stay that way until he shows owning in action, behaviour and future communications.

Problem is (and i know im a nightmare cause i nitpick at things) but he hasnt done anything to ACTUALLY meet my EM's the owning list as i said is just about him and him recognising what he did wrong. Did get short sharp apology after we went through the list but thats, it. Am i wrong not be satisfied with that?

Need him to DO not just say, promise etc cause i have heard that for a year.

NOPE!

thanks John, needed the sanity check.

BH - Your WH sounds like mine. He is still in fog. Has said he wants to come home, but has done NOTHING to facilitate return. He is such a chicken that he doesn't even really talk to girls. Maybe one phone call per week. They just continue to get more and more angry with him. I know the feeling of it not being enough.

I do think that the list is progress, though not enough. Baby steps? Was he raised in a way that he didn't have to be acountable for things? Just wondering... Mine was.

I know the feeling of being done. I have felt it before, but then it subsides. My heart is breaking for you. Wish I could be there to hug you and kick him in the ******! What is with these men and their stupid behavior!!!???

I'm praying for you.

Just call me "JT". That's what everyone else here calls me

Thanks clay just posted on your thread and caught up with WH, men/women that are wayward are hard to deal with but one day they will appreciate what BS do for them and i truly beleive that. Just think of the possiblity that one day your WS will appreciate all your hard work and fall in love with you all over again in a better deeper way (im not saying that he doesent love you now, im sure he does under that silly fog).

My WS had great upbringing, only child (i think thats why hes so selfish) and had pleanty of love and care. but regardless of upringing there are always people who excel expectations (Ie child of drunk parents might not actually turn out to be drunk himself like statistics suggest but might turn into a brilliant human who uses his experience to excel not to hold him back) We both want the best for the people we love and thats not a crime so forget about WS upbringing, he can excel if he wants to no matter how much he was facilitated into not being made accountable for things by his parents as a child.

Thanks for hug and sending one back right to you. Keep up the good work.

Your husband is developmentally stunted - on purpose because it serves his purpose as "excusable" behavior because of .... fill in the blank.

What he really lacks is empathy - and the ability to "get" the impact of his behavior on others.

If you do decide to stay with him, you're going to need to have him work with Steve on a regular basis because Steve won't take his b.s. excuses about "I don't feel" crap.

One thing to develop empathy, he needs constant and consistent feedback on how his actions and behaviors impact others.

Have you "overcompensated" in this marriage to make things smooth and easy for him by not telling him when he's "ouched" you?

If I'd had time last night, I was going to ask you if he was an only child. I could smell it.

I'm an only child too. I recognise the symptoms.

He's spoiled.

TA

Yep. Only children often believe the world revolves around them. They feel ENTITLED. Your WH fits that bill.

Hey Everyone

Quick update as need some sleep today, got to be up at 5am to got to work so going to keep it short tonight.

Overall day was ok no big issues, WS is at work right now with OW so feeling a bit blue plus I know that this isnt relevant to my marital issues but hate today as its the date of when my son stopped breathing in the night and was resussitated. In england its fireworks night and he really hates fireworks (he was 9 months old when incident happened so logically he cant have memory of that night however he has been acting very different to his usual self today so im convinced he feels something that cant be explained). That was the worst night of my life, and although he is 5 now and he is healthy I still struggle on the anniversary of that day. I have been spending the day with him, cuddling up and just appreciating the fact that i didnt loose him that night, he is such a beautiful and gentle child and I love him so much. Each of my babies has their on special trait and Im feeling so blessed to have them.

Marriage wise things are ok, im still not happy and having feelings that im worried about (not wanting WS near me, not wanting his cuddles or kisses and just generally glad he is a work so i can have some space from him).
On the good news side of things I have booked double appointment for Thursday morning with Steve H for telephone coaching. The appointment has been confirmed and looking forward to getting help. Booked a double first appointment as think we need it for first appointment so each of us can speack to steve together and alone.

Book SAA not here yet (supid british postal strikes) so havent started reading it.
WS did attempt to get on knees and read off a piece of paper some robotic jargon, so he finally is DOING something even if he isnt getting it right brounie points for trying.

It was really painful going through the owned things list with him last night and did cross off things he thought he owned but when I interrogated further he clearly didnt so agreed to keep off list until he soulsearches further and owns.

That list is useless until he starts to DO and not just SAY.

One thing that is getting really clear is that WS is understanding things more easly since being on MB. I almost feel like his head is literally opening up and he is taking in all the inforation, and he is interested in the information not just doing it for appearances sake. Everytime i mention reading certain threads (like the images of affair one) he asks about it, he wants to know the answers etc not just glazed expression i have gotten used to seeing for months. I feel he has finally let go of wishing the situaion would just disappear attitude.

So good progress overall. Thanks again to everyone for your continued care and help for my family its so appreciated Its not possible to put into words.

Hey BH - it does sound like your WH is making some progress. Wish mine would. Starting to wonder if there is any hope for my marriage.

You sound better today, and I am glad for that. Don't give up yet. At least yours is open and hopefully listening. What I would give for that right now...

Things here pretty much the same. getting ready to post on my thread.

Going to plan B next week if I can wait that long

Clay, although I didnt know about MB I did instinctivly follow plan A (give or take a few LB's along the way) after D-day and it was the hardest thing i ever did, I mean who in their right mind sleeps with WS 12 hours after discovering A? Plan A is great and even though my WS is mostly an oaf, he has thanked me for helping him find his way back to me when A was over.
I used to have to listen to phraises like "i didnt have an affair, i had a relationship within a relationship", I actually had to get the dictionary out and make him read the definition of what an affair was before he finally started referring to his actions as an A. Its funny when I remember it now but at the time I was ready to jump off a cliff the situation seamed so hopeless. There are pleanty of good signs you have to hold on to. And you still have a card up your sleaves to play (plan B) so please try not to feel so hopeless about situation. I promise you one way or the other there is an end in sight for all this mess and pain.

yes. you are right. He does keep calling or stopping by. I guess that is a good sign. I'm hoping plan B will be a rude awakening for him.

If getting that letter gets no reaction out of him then I will be lost for words and as you can see from my thread that doesent happen often.

Hey BH

You know your mind and your wants and needs as a betrayed wife really well. You seem very strong and determined.

You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work and I am pleased that your WH is beginning to piece things together too.

Nothing more to add really.

There have been other complications in my M too but it took me months to reconnect emotionally with my H - I blocked him out from me after my A. Once he starts working with the material, he'll see what he is missing.

I see from his thread that SAA has arrived. Hope you have a good weekend.

Thanks so much for your kind words staytogether, im sorry i have been too wrapped up with my stupid situation and havent read your thread yet and promise to do so tonight.
I am scared by the strength of my repulsed feelings that i have for WS. I used to miss him and miss being near him, now i really dont care. I used to feel love when i look at him now i really dont, i really hope i havent shut down beyond repair and looking forward to coaching with steve on Thursday to get further help on that one. Im unfortunate in the sense that when i am hurt i have developed a really good survival tactic of shutting other persons out of my heart.

Quick update on today...(this is beginning to sound like a daily journal lol)

Woke up at 5am to get ready for work, as i was walking around the house getting ready found 8 notes in total stating "you are beautiful because ...." and stating reasong why WS thought i was beautiful.
Nice gesture and had he done that 6 months ago i would have been swooning at his feet, but however horrible you think im being by saying this, i just didnt care why he thought i was beautiful (i know im being a horrid woman but I promised to be honest on here so im doing so).
Was at work till 2pm, during my break called WS to ask regarding list of things i had left for him to do housework wise that needed urgent attention, got into argument as WS complaining he isnt getting much time to read MB and work on M. He does have a poing but im really feeling exhausted, been sick in bed vomiting with feover and shivers for 2 weeks, today was first day back at work and still not feeling 100% so just wanted to get home catch up on my share of housework and go bed.
Got home and went straight back out to pick up kids from school, WS left for work at 2:45 so only had contact for 30 mins and even then we were mostly discussing his work situation as he is scared he might get sacked today for having taken time off at the beginning of this week to sort out latest M chrisis resulting from A.
WS did manage to show me notebook he bought to keep thoughts ideas and progress regarding making marriage work, so he is definitley on board now. Only thing i dont know how long his journey will last this time. He may get off at the next stop or carry on travelling until the final destingation (better marriage).
Right now WS at work, kids asleep and im starting to nod off in front of PC as exhausted. Dont feel sad/bad today, and overall good day.

Thanks again for all your continued interest and help for my horrid situation. Bless you all.

Continue to journal here. As long as we don't have another system crash, it will be a great source of reference for you later. I look back at my old posts all the time. I actually wish I had written MORE so I could remember some of the foggy specifics. You'd be surprised at how much you'll forget due to the stress.

I have just been trying to catch up on your thread, read the one about meeting up for England users, Didnt realise some of you are so close by, im in London! Its so scary to to realise there are people going through this in the same area as me.

Hey everyone,

Im here again for the daily update, hope your not getting to annoyed with me for posting daily but hopefully this journal will help me and eventually someone else if it works out ok.


Day was ok overall, not much got done marriage wise as we literally live in a circus, between kids and puppies right now its tough to get a chance to have a proper meal never mind a conversation. Managed to grab an hour this afternoon I had urge to read my diary. I tryed to keep a diary in February this year due to the ovelwhelming feelings i had but i only managed it for a month but beleive me reading just a month of entries was enough for me, It was a bad month because it was the month i took the overdose so it really highlited the time i was at my worse. Read diary to WS and got the usual silence so gave up on working with him today, he is annoyed because he wanted to read SAA with me and im just too drained to invest anymore emotions into this situation today. LB is truly empty for now.

Second significant thought of day happened when i was thinking about the way i dont like WS right now, I might love him at some level but i really dont like him, and am not at all sad when he is away from me. This led to me going back to one of the posts on here that is starting to ring very true. Finding MB has sort of catapulted me back to D-Day (that and coming off antidepressant), when D-Day occurred one of the first thing that happened to me was that i missed, grieved and pined for my husband and who i thought he was. I even went to the spot where he first told me he loved me (on my own) and said goodbye to him, i said goodbye to the man i thought i knew for 10 years, the sweet loving man who had never hurt me, the sweet shy guy i had married and most of all the sweet loving guy i had trusted so much. I came back home and was listening to songs about loosing your best friend and soumate for days, although WS was still living at home I just kept sobbing and saying " I just want my husband back, who are you? i dont want you Please give me my husband back".

I still look at the pictures of us before the affair and feel so much love for the man in those pictures, i miss him and would give anything to have him back. But then i turn around and see my WS standing there and I feel the same as i did on D-Day, who is this monster and where is my loving H?

Am I stopping any chance of recovery by pining for something im never going to have? if I am how do i snap out of it?

How do you get over it?

You don't. You just keep living with it day by day until one day you realize you don't mind carrying it around with you anymore.

A few nights ago, I said to my FWW in bed, "I love you so much. I never want to lose you again."

"You never lost me, honey. I never left you."

That wasn't what I meant... but I doubt she'll ever understand. I had lost her heart to another man, and the fact that she physically lived in our house the whole time was no consolation.