What happened after exposure? To whom did you expose? Did you expose to HIS family?

I exposed to my family, her family, our circle of friends, and the OM's girlfriend. WW tried go NC a couple times after exposure but is clearly addicted. WW claimed to have been ok with OM continuing to see the girlfriend. OM's girlfriend wasn't ok with it - she left him about 2 months ago.

Has anyone tried going from Plan B back to Plan A, instead of going to Plan D?

Pianoman,

I'll take a crack at your questions. I have been here a long time and a few have tried the "file for divorce to wake up the WS". I cannot tell you that it has really worked. However, I will tell you that a few when faced with divorce filings did wake up and realize what they were losing. Most had children of some age that factored into the situation.

Your W may have financial intanglements with you but no emotional entanglements based on third parties.

I think planning to plan B for a year is too much/too little.
How do you like that for a definitive answer? What I really mean is that you should plan evaluation points while in your plan B. I would suggest every 3 months others might say every month, some 6 months, it doesn't matter. Plan on evaluating how you feel, what has been happening and your PERSONAL GOALS every so often while you are in plan B.

You will file for divorce when you are willing to, no matter if you are ready. You will know when it is time. She has treated you poorly, and with plan B you will find that this poor treatment coupled with her decreasing influence in your life will lead you to reassess with a clearer mind.

My bet is that one of two things will happen, one the affair will end and she will test the waters with you. If she does, it is not enough that OM is gone. You and she need to understand why she thought this approach was a good idea and how she justified hurting you so badly. Affairs are in and of themselves very selfish acts, and you really need to consider whether remaining to such a woman is in your best interests even if the affair ends.

The other thing that is likely to happen is that you will find other parts of your life more interesting, you will find other people more interesting, you grow tired of holding yourself back from life and eventually you will come to the conclusion there are more fish in the sea and there are women out there to share your life with that would appreciate and want you in their lives. At that point you will find your decision to plan D and end plan B will come naturally.

Pianoman, you MUST understand that these things are predictable and have a time line that is amazingly consistent. Your plan B will hurt YOU far more than she will hurt because she is in the depths of her A. As everyday life starts to intrude, she may come to miss what you brought to her life, but it will be months before that is likely to happen.

Plan B is risky, but necessary for your mental health and ultimate ability to make a clear headed decision. Keep to it, but as others have said, work on your life, your interests, your friends, and yes your family. Build your life, enjoy it, and I can tell you that it will work out one way or another.

I have been on this orb for a long time, and one thing I have noticed that whenever I was confronted with a big decision, it ultimately was no decision at all. The data made it clear which way to go and what to do. I suggest you look at the data, not how you wish it were or what you want it to be, but just the raw data. You will know how and when to make your decisions.


You really cannot force these things. Focus on your life and the data.

hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Typical plan-time for Plan B is two years. Hold off on divorce that long to allow her an opportunity to return to you within your terms unless she decides to divorce first. Most waywards don't file for divorce. They enjoy the cake-eating as long as they can.

After two years on Plan B, you can safely move on knowing you've done everything possible to save the marriage.

However, if she agrees to your terms of no-contact to return to the marriage, the answer to your question is "Yes you are back in Plan A". The goal of Plan A is to show how you can meet your spouse's emotional needs even under extreme abuse; this invites her back to the marriage where she can feel safe

You will need to keep up Plan A through her withdrawal before you can know you're in true recovery and begin really improving your relationship. If the affair is truly over, though, you can almost certainly drop the "stick" side of Plan A, and focus solely on meeting her emotional needs while avoiding Love Busters.

I've realized that this "Plan A" of meeting ENs and avoiding LBs is really the plan for the rest of my life... and she's doing the same for me.

Just Learning,

Thanks for the thoughtful and informative reply. I've been in Plan B for 2 months, and this is an evaluation point for me. The only data I've got since then is that she's not here - and I suppose that might be all the data I need to make a decision when the time comes. But I can't help but wonder if a return to Plan A might has a chance; if it does it would be worth a try before going to Plan D.

Barnboy,

Thanks for the insight. I keep thinking I need to reiterate the invitation for her to return; I need to remember I extended that invitation already and she knows it's there.

Pianoman,

You could try plan A, but what needs of hers would you meet. You might meet your own needs to talk to her, but hers? You see one of things people often forget is that Harley states that plan B is really for the BS who needs to be away from the drama so that their love bank doesn't go to zero. It will but at a lower rate than if you plan A. ONce your love bank goes to zero, you have little chance of successful recovery, because if you things have been tough now, wait until recovery. This takes a lot of patience and love on the part of the BS. A WS does not often come back already to just fall at your feet. They are withdrawn, they are surely, they are full of justifications and blame shifting. It takes awhile for all of that to go, and then they are full of guilt, which sounds good, until you see that guilt keeps them from becoming intimate with you.

Am I painting a pretty picture here? Nope. You need to have love for your W when/if recovery is ever to be a possibility. So you stay in plan B until you are out of love or the affair ends and you decide to try recovery.

THe other part of plan B which is not its official use but Harley mentions, is that if you are not meeting the WS's needs then OM must do this. At first it is easy with the heat of passion and all of that, but as time goes on, then the gaps in his ability to meet her needs become apparent. THis will not happen if you are meeting those needs.

I would suggest that you remain in plan B until and unless something happens. I will close this by telling you something else that is often forgotten about plan A. It is NOT a good strategy for a marriage, because it requires you to forego the taker part of you and only use the giver part. You can only do this for so long and the taker will rear its head.

A well balanced person and marriage requires that the giver/taker parts of both spouses be balanced, hence plan A is not a good marriage strategy. Some parts of plan A, like avoiding love busters, using the rules for a good marriage, and the rules of "radical honesty" and "joint agreement" are excellent tools for a good marriage.

My suggestion remain in plan B. Here is also something to consider, she has not filed for divorce, she is sitting on the fence, which is why I think you were asking about filing for divorce...to force her off of the fence. But, really plan B and how long you do it is about your love bank and when it goes dry it is probably time to consider plan D. You could try filing for divorce, but you must be ready to be divorced because right now, the odds are high, she is happy in the passion of an illicit love and blind to reality. Hence the term "the fog" used here. While in the fog, she will not be bothered much about your divorce, she has OM.

Just thoughts. Hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

JL - thanks again. More good stuff

Pianoman,

I think you will know when you are ready to be divorced. I don't think you should use filing for D as a strategy. It is so dishonest and borders on abusive. If you are ready go ahead and file. Remember divorce is not death. If your WW or XWW, decides to come back she can still find you even if you are divorced.