People in emotional pain let anger take over their actions (like a wayward lets it) and it can hurt the people we love the most.

Try to not let it turn against your most loved child again. Find a new vent.

The story Mark told is so very true and not only applicable for plan A but plan B (you don't see the rocks accumulating as you are dark). It is also true for plan life,whatever situation we are going through.

There is a very sweet, touching country song out with a line in the chorus that I find reassurring, the line is "sounds like LIFE to me...." meaning the challenges are part of our existence.

Have a really good November. Plan for a nice Thanksgiving and don't forget to turn back your clocks (life goes on each day).

You okay, claygal?

Let me guess...

your mother is divorced

and

misery loves company.

I could be wrong...just guessing. Presuming your mother (and father) were at your wedding and "gave" you to WH...they shouldn't be interferring in "his" marriage.

Sounds like you are learning and practicing boundaries and your mother's digging down deep into her bag of tricks to push the right buttons to overcome them. It's tough erecting fences.

Keep at it...it's good FOR YOU, even if others don't like the changes.

Mr. Wondering

Morning, Mr. Wondering.
Here's what Claygal posted a couple of days ago. Should answer your question:
"My life just keeps getting better and better. My mother, who has never really liked my H, knows about affair, and does not want me to take him back. She just called me and hung up on me. My good friend embezzled large amounts of money from my family and we found out in June. Last March, my dad, who left us for OW when I was 12, passed away, and 3rd wife, who hates me did not allow me to see him before he died, or go to funeral. So.....I guess my mom turning her back on me is just icing on the cake."

Yes, My mom is alone again. My step-dad passed away from cancer 3 years ago. So my mom is alone again. And I truly believe that you are right. My mom is alone and miserable, and she would like me to be alone also. I think she's sees it as an opportunity to be more involed in my life and the lives of my kids.

She has said more than once that she wants to move away to be closer to some relatives. She says this in a way as to hurt me or get a reaction from me. Like she wants me to say, "No, don't move! I will call you 3 times a day, and see you at least 4 times a week if you won't move!" All I have said is, "If you think you can be happier there, then maybe a change of scenery will be good for you. You need to do what is best for you."

Thanks for checking on me not2sure.... I am treading water at this point. I feel I have things attacking me from all angles.

WH came by Fri. afternoon and yesterday morning. I do not know if he has tried to contact OW. I have not asked. Just sticking to plan A. OWH is chekcing phone records from his end. Haven't had an update from him since friday.

Didn't get to finish my post, as WH just stopped by again. He is very depressed and morose. Think he is starting to hit rock bottom. I am guessing he has not talked to OW. He may have tried, but maybe she hasn't responded. I don't think he would be so depressed if he were in contact with her, but maybe I'm wrong? He has a concert tonight that I have agreed to attend. Told him I sould see him tonight. He left in the same mood in which he arrived.

Thanks everyone for the input about my mom... I have tried to be patient with her, but have realized that she is only happy with me when she thinks I have closed the door on my marriage.

I remember my H being very depressed and quiet after exposure. I think it means his fantasy is falling apart around him, and he's going into withdrawl. I think you're right, he's not having contact with her anymore. How was the concert last night?

Remind me, you're planning on going into plan B soon, right?

Concert was good. WH called, and I met him for a drink before. Concert went long, so I had to leave right after last song. WH called and sounded very disappointed that I didn't stick around.

I am glad you agree with me. I think if he were talking to her, he would not be in this mood. He is complaining of not feeling well, and even told me that he thought he might be depressed. I believe his fantasy is crumbling, as well as reality hitting of the damage he has done to his family, especially kids.

Also got communication from OWH. He said there has been no evidence of any contact.

I am still a little unsure about length of plan A. I had pretty much done plan A out of instinct before finding MB, but I also made alot of mistakes. (relationship and faith talk...LB's) So it makes me wonder if I should do it a little longer? Plus, he seems to really need ego stroking. I am thinking 2 more weeks, so 3 total.

Can someone tell me, does the A fog lift before or after he begins to recover from his feelings for her, or is it different for everyone? I am thinking his recovery is going to take a long time because she was previous girlfriend. I think the fantasy was deep. I am still not sure I can do this for the long haul.

I stayed in plan A as long as I could. I prepped for plan B (crafted a letter) and made plans for separation and knew that when I went to plan B, I would do it with a kind but firm resolve.

I went to it one day when I realized I had done all I could with plan A and nothing was to be gained by continuing, plus I was getting more resentful of the lies my WH continued to tell me.

You will get an inkling when going to B is right for you in advance.


Glad the concert was good!

You did great! And yes, him being disappointed that you didn't stick around...priceless!

As for Plan A, do it as long as you can stand it! Plan B is for (1) when it hurts you to see him with OW and you need to protect yourself and (2) to make him see what life is like having to settle for OW. I don't think you qualify for either of those situations.

You could benefit from Plan B if, after doing a great Plan A, he still doesn't want to come home. You can only Plan A to get him back for so long. Then, after you have reminded him how great life is with you in the picture, you go completely dark, it may have a profound effect on him. But I wouldn't do it too soon, or he may go back to OW.

Thanks for the input. I have been wondering about plan A for myself, because my situation does seem to be different than most.

a) WH is already out of the house.

b) Pretty sure that NC started last week.

I am pretty sure that I will hear if contact resumes, or if he even tries to contact her, because I have help in snooping from OWH.

IF I find out that he has attempted more contact, then I think that is when I will go to plan B. Already have letter in my head, but I will start drafting, and have it ready. Any other suggestions on when I should go to plan B? Or what behaviors I should be on the lookout for?

Yes, and I believe you're supposed to go to Plan B BEFORE your love bank is depleted. You want to still have some feelings of love left for him before you go dark. A few days ago, it sounded like you were ready to throw in the towel.

It sounds like he is already getting a little defogged. I remember the average for defogging (when NC is in full effect) takes 3-6 weeks, but can last as long as 6 months, depending. My H still says some wayward things to me, it seems to be lessening over time. Also, I think his waywardness will go up and down, you know, some days he'll be clearer-minded, other days he will not want or feel ready to deal with the reality that's hitting him in the face.

I plan A'ed for only one week before confrontation/exposure, and 2 weeks after that of more Plan A, he finally committed to NC/our marriage. Before that I either ignored him or LB'ed him for 3 weeks (when his behavior changed and he refused to tell me what was going on). So you can see, it was very short compared to others here on MB. I'm very hesistant to say that we are in recovery, because he hasn't left his job yet (OW is a coworker, but they work different shifts so they don't see each other, and I drop off/pick up him at work) and we've only been working on our M for 5 weeks now, which is why I say I'm still in Plan A. It also depends on what your H was like as a person before the A. And you are doing a great job of Plan A! Keep what you are doing, but be prepared for Plan B if and when you decide the time is right. I have to agree with MelodyLane - the holidays would be a perfect time to do it.

Vets, feel free to correct me if you think I'm wrong about anything.

claygal, it sounds like things are going as well as they could be ~ and that's because you are doing a stellar Plan A

My 2cents is to stick to your plan of a short Plan A. Before going to Plan B, I think it would be good to approach him about what things need to happen in order for the two of you to rebuild your M.

You could see then if he is willing to agree to 100% NC, to send a NC letter, to 100% transparency(giving you access to cell phone records and all emails and passwords), and to counseling with the Harleys, EPs, etc.

I would say if he seems to still have his "let's wait and see" attitude that it sounds like he has had for a while now, I would still go to a dark Plan B before the holidays as ML has said that is really powerful in getting waywards off the fence.

Maybe in two weeks you won't be ready to go to Plan B but I would reassess at that time and stick your original plan for now.

You have a good point. I will reassess in 2 weeks. And I think plan B over the holidays would be a good reality check for him. We are already planning a trip over the holidays, so will be gone most of the kid's school break.

I hope you are right abo.ut the depression being the 'beginning of the end' to his fantasy

WH showed up this morning. Still VERY depressed. Hung out for a very long time. Mostly sitting commotose in his chair. I made him lunch, and finally at about 2:00 he went on his way...still very depressed. Do you all think that this is still a good sign? The depression I mean?

He does keep dropping by.... I guess that is a good sign. If he were done, he wouldn't be coming over all the time right?

Sounds good to me.

Always remember to smell great and look great!

The depression is a good sign that he is experiencing withdrawal from less contact or NC. That's good but keep your guard up!

When he shows up happy, be nervous. That means he just got his "fix." While in withdrawl, he should be moping.
After a period of time, he'll start learning to enjoy himself with you more. But if it starts too soon, he's cake-eating. Getting his fix from both sides. Again, be happy about his moping for now.

Thanks for the replies. Confirms what I was thinking and hoping. Not going to contact him today. Just don't feel up to it. Got stung by a scorpion last night, so I didn't sleep well. I think my exhaustion may have something to do with my blue mood. Hoping he doesn't just drop by today. Need some time to myself.

WH showed up again this morning. And he was happy. Trying not to read too much into it, but because of last comment from imanotherone it is making me nervouse. I am thinking about contacting OWH again to see if he can see signs of contact.

Of course it could be nothing. He has been depressed for days. It could be that he is just having a better day, and he will slide back into his moping tomorrow or soon.... Any thoughts? I had planned on going to plan B next week, but I am feeling like I am quickly running out of strength and may decide to do it sooner. It is much easier for me to deal when he is moping. I guess I feel like then he is in a place where reality is hitting him. Happy makes me nervous... Should I contact OWH? This is how I feel today...just tired of life being so hard.