Wow... finally able to get on the site and my threads are gone...

Oh well... here's my update:
Was very depessed right before my Vegas trip.
Went to Vegas and had an AWESOME time!!!
Have not suffered from anxiety/depression since coming home! Got my appetite back and have been sleeping through the night.
Work is good.
Currently reading through the book of Psalms and a book called "Crazy Time; Surviving Divorce" by Abigail Trafford.
STBXH is furious that I went to Vegas and sends me texts about it. He gave me child support four days late and $100 short as "punishment". I'm getting the paperwork together to have his wages automatically garnshed.
Making new friends at work.
Kids are great.
Hoping to be able to afford to go to school next semester.
SURVIVING!!!

Good for you! Sounds like you are doing well. I am in the military and I would just like to say that I hope you reported him to his commanders and got his a** busted down in rank with an Article 15. I have heard and seen too many times what some military members do while they are on TDY or deployments or even at their home base because they think their spouse will never find out. And a lot of souses don't report because they don't want to hurt the cheater's career. But as far as I am concerned they ddeserve it. We are held to a higher standard with the Uniform Code of Military Justice and if they don't like it, they need to find a new line of work! Military members get such a bad rap because of people like this.

Another thing I have noticed in 11 years in the military is that when one person in the workcenter starts to have trouble or is divorcing, it seems to spread.

Good luck!

Wow, great success story! Good for you!

Thank you both for your comments!
Looking4light, I reported my husband's behavior to his command and they protected him! They said I would have to have physical proof of his affairs to get him in trouble, and I'd have to get a court order to get child support. I probably could get proof if I put effort into it, but I dont want to risk him getting kicked out of the Army because then I wont be guaranteed child support if he gets out.
That last comment you made seems to be true. Almost all STBXH's buddies are treating thier wives like crap too, and some are divorcing as well.

Whoa, there. That's not true!

Once you have a legal divorce and a judge-ordered CS payments, you can have his wages garnished no matter where hs works. At least that's how I understand it. Any experts out there?

Pffft. Just a bunch of boys who see one of their own getting to throw off the anchor or marriage and family and get to go back to being a boy again - like they always really wanted. Disgusting.

Anybody watch the show Tool Academy? Real eye opener on (some) guys' habits and beliefs. One episode, they had to take a polygraph, and not a single one could admit to being faithful. Granted, they were just boyfriends, not husbands, but...

Yeah Tool Academy! That show is crazy! Guys can be so stupid!

So, yeah, once the judge orders CS his wages will be garnished no matter where he works, BUT what if he turns out like my dad? My dad's wages started being garnished, so he quit his job and started working for cash. He changed his social security number and left the state. We never heard from him again and never got any money. At least while STBXH is in the Army, he can't run from it.

STBXH is cying again...
He texted me last night saying "We need to talk. Important."I said "What about?"
He said "OW asked me 'do u still want to be with AW?' and I couldnt say no."I said "Hmmm..."
He said "Can we please talk tomorrow?"I said "IDK"

Today he texted me some more:
"I'm going to call u later"
"Whatever"
"Remember that time when u did that cute lil dance 4 me?"
"Yup... Why dont u go talk 2 OW?"
"Why cant I talk 2 u?"
"Its her job 2 talk 2 u not mine."
"U really dont know. I think about u constantly and abt memories we shared and she dont do it right lol."
"Ur stupid"
"Why am I stupid?"
"For thinking u could find someone better. I'm the best!"
"I aint gonna lie, u are. I need u back. U really dont understand. U are on my mind all the time. Thats why OW asked that question."
"I cant txt anymore. I'm driving."
"Would u give me another chance?"

I didnt respond... I just dont know what to say. Part of me wants to say "NOOOOO! F-U!!!". Part of me wants to say "YES! Come get me and the kids!"

UGH..... Ambivalence sucks.

Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me. Does that sum it up?! DUDE

Are you in Plan A, Plan B, or Plan D?

What is on your list of requirements before he can come home?

Right now he's just wanting a fix.
You need an idea of what you'll require before you entertain the notion of recovery.

catperson's question was short but it's very very important.

If you're in Plan A, you love busted all over that IM conversation.
If you're in Plan B, you ought not be responding to his IMs at all. He should be going through an intermediary who can point him to the Plan B letter you wrote him.
If you're in Plan D, you're doing fine.

Geeez I dont even know anymore.
I am in Plan D...
I dont have a list of requirements at the moment. I am trying to be done with him, but I still love him...

No, you are in love with the OLD him. That him is a long ways away from you right now. WH is the one calling you. Don't even entertain the thought. She probably had a fight and refused SF or something, so he's looking for 'second best.'

Sorry to be crude, but you do NOT need to be crumbling right now.

IF you take him back, if I were you, it would take a complete 6 months to a year of him never even speaking to another woman, doing anything I wanted, making up for everything any way I wanted, and counseling with the Harleys for 6 months - and seeing results.

He is still wayward. If he weren't, he would never even mention her name to you. He would be ashamed.

He's not ashamed.

He's fishing for sex.

AW,

I don't know exactly where your head is at right now. My advice would be to take your time and think about the things YOU want. Don't operate out of a place of fear (actually, I think you have been and continue to do a really good job of not operating out of fear). You are already well on your way to D (sorry, I can't remember if it is final or not). That is one course of action that you can continue with. If you decide you would like to recover a marriage, please think very carefully what conditions you would require. There are some other posts on here that have lists of extraordinary precautions. There is one with alot of details on the recovery forum. Also, in the case of your H, there should be several others related to his immature behavior (the friends he has, his drinking, his irresponsibility to the family and poor decision making with money, etc). These are things that should be very firm and FH should have no wiggle room.

I do agree with Catperson. There is no remorse in what he sent you. At the same time, I really don't think he was calling looking for SF since he is still in TX (or did I miss something) and you are in CA. I think he has had a slight (yep, very slight) revelation about what he thoughtlessly cast aside and is now missing. But he's not sorry yet.


Of course, I could be wrong about it all. You know him best.

AM

A few nostalgic "ILY" texts are a far cry from being a husband and father.. More likely he and the gf got in a fight.

DO NOT let him get his foot in the door yet.

Do you have a list of requirements you need of him? You have no chance of working this out with the distance between you two now, yet you would have to be crazy to relocate with him until he has done the work.

Tough spot...

-JKT

He wasn't wanting SF... I'm still in CA and he's still in TX.
He never actualy said her name, he said "other woman".
The divorce wont be final until we have a trial.
He sent many more texts saying he's sorry and still loves me and wants me to move to TX... that type of stuff. He asked if we could talk. I didn't respond, partly because I didnt know what to say, and partly because I was at my mom's birthday party. He also called sveral times but I didnt answer. He left a messag saying he's sorry for everything and needs me in his life.

Early this morning he texted again asking if we could talk. I said "fine". He called and begged for forgiveness. He said he's willing to work on our marriage and wants another chance. I told him I dont believe him and that I have zero trust in him. He continued to beg. I told him I can't deny that I love him, but that he hasnt proved anything he's saying, he's only proved to be a tool. He said he's trying to convince his first sarge to let him take leave so he can come talk to me in person. He said he cant get over me and he's convinced we were made for eachother and that it took all this for him to realize it. He said he wants marriage counselling and he hates life without me. He said he's been miserable since I filed the divorce papers. He said he couldnt stand the OW and he was using her to try to get over me but it didnt work. He said he wont agree to the divorce and will drag it on because he doesnt want it. He said he realizes how stupd and selfsh hes been and how much he appreciates me. I asked him what he appreciates about me and he told me a bunch of things. He said he will show me he is for real. I told him I'll believe it when I see it.

It sucks cause I've been waiting for him to say these things for so long, but I'm happy and having fun as a single girl. I like not having to answer to anyone. I like flirting with other men. I like the attention. I've been having so much fun. IDK....

I'm just gonna keep doing my thing and see if he really does try or not.

Wow AW thats quite an update...

Do you have family or friends who are weighing in on this recent development?

I didn't actually mean he was wanting to come over and jump you, it's like...guys get in these moods, you know? It's on their mind, they make decisions based on it, their talk is based on it, it's almost like a high. I never trust my H when he's in that 'mood' cos I know it's filtering everything he says or does. And bam! the next day, after he's gotten what he wanted, it's like all those things he said or did never even happened.

I hope that makes sense.

As for your current situation...this worries me:
Is it only me who sees the aggressiveness in this statement? It worries me. Maybe he's not thinking of any PA behavior right now, but even saying this at this stages worries me that if things don't go his way, he'll get nasty. Just a thought.

As for you, do what makes YOU happy. If you are happy as is, stay as is. If he really DOES love you, it's for forever. Not this week or this month. If he really loves you he'll be willing to take ALL the steps you outline, follow them to the T, and do it for AT LEAST six months before you should be expected to make a decision. Anything less than that is just him going through the motions and not really 'getting it.' Just words.

Do you have a list of what you would require? Things like going to your parents in person and apologizing to them for hurting you? Installing a keylogger on his computer that emails all his activity to YOUR computer? Stuff like that.

To answer Ivetz: Our families don't want us to divorce. My step-father has been very mean to me since I filed. My mom thinks I should move closer to him so the kids can see their father. My father-in-law says "It's never too late"

Catperson: Yeah,that had me worried too. If I decide to keep the D moving, he's gonna make it hard. IDK about six months because in six months he'll be three months away from deploying again. I'm not getting my hopes up for reconciliation... I don't have the list you all keep mentioning but I'll come up with one I suppose... and maybe a post-nup?

AW,

Regarding your relationship. When your unsure what to do, DO NOTHING. In otherwords just keep your course for now. A move to push him away might be the wrong move if he's sincere.

What makes me leary is why the sudden change? This snap in direction for him seems too drastic, to quickly...

Maybe he got dumped? Is he trying to keep $$ in his wallet by manipulating you? Maybe he is sincere... I just suggest you be VERY cautious.

If it's an act, I suspect he will slip and get angery if he feels it's not working. If he is sincere, there is nothing he will not do for you to prove it.

Remember, changing nothing is an option.

-JKT