Thankyou Mindshare and Catperson...
I'm definitely not stopping the D any time soon, if ever. I keep telling him his words mean nothing anymore and that I need to see action.

I feel like the tables have turned and I'm not the one wanting recovery. My attitude is "I'm fine without you so you have to earn your way into my life."
His attitude is "PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME!!! I want to recover our marriage."
LOL.

Last night we were on the phone and he told me he made the ringtone for when I call "Just to See You Smile" by Tim McGraw. I had never heard it, so I found it online and listened. It made me smile. Then I played "Far Away" by Nickelback. We both cried.

I told him I might make him wait 6 months for me, and he said he hopes I dont, but that he will wait for me. I think our biggest problem is that we've been apart for so long. Its been almost 3 years since he joined the Army, and we've only been physically together a total of 6 months. Anyone's marriage could fall apart in our situation.

Don't put it in terms of time. Put it in terms of "I want to see these changes, and this proof..."

You could start with a polygraph.

AW,

What's up lately? You've been quiet. Are things going well for you and kiddos?

AM

So, it's been two weeks since we started talking again, and I'm still playing hard to get and he's still begging for me. I've been sending him things from this site to read. I sent the article "What is an Affair?" and have been sending a different Basic Concept each day. He has been reading them and discussing them with me.
He is totally different this time than the first time I took him back. Last time he kept telling me "Why cant you just get over it?" and didnt want to read anything or do marriage counselling. This time he wants to get to the root of this problem and fix things between us. He's very interested in reading and learning about marriage. This time HE is the one wanting recovery, and I'm the one that doesn't know if I want it.

Totally understandable.

Twice, I read the book, "Love Must be Tough", by James Dobson. I read it right after D-day last year and speed read it again this week. Your status sounds like info I read. The less you need H, the more attracted he is to you.

You sound really strong.

AM

Thanks AM, maybe I'll check out that book.
I feel really strong.

Aaahhh.... what a crybaby....
This man has cried more in the past 2 weeks than he has his entire life.
I've been praying for answers on what to do about this. I've been meaning to go talk with my pastor but I've been real busy with work. Today, my pastor came in my work and asked how I am doing. I told him STBXH seems to be repenting. He made an appoinment to talk to me tomorrow.

Let your WH earn his way back.
Let him do the heavy lifting.

You are, I'm not saying you're not, I'm more trying to reaffirm your stance.

His new demeanor sounds promising. Time will tell.

A little update...
I cancelled with my pastor because my cousin came to visit from Texas. I talked to my pastor's wife last night and she basically told me what you all said. Let WH do all the footwork. She said she's all for marraige, but that it will only work if WH makes some big changes, and that he needs to come to me. Not me to him. She said we need to get counselling and we can start with Pastor.
WH has been doing the work so far. I dont call him, HE calls ME... all the time. I act like I dont care either way. He cries and begs. I just listen. He gladly reads whatever I send from this site even though he hates reading. His Sgt. Maj. denied his request for leave, so him and 1st Sarge are going today to show him the divorce papers and try to change his mind. The STD test results came back and are in the mail on the way to my house.
Last night we were talking and I decided to see how he would react if I told him he didn't have a chance and told him to leave me alone. He started crying hysterically and having a panic attack. He said he couldn't live without me and begged some more. I told him I'll keep thinking about taking him back. He said that's better than nothing. This "Tough-guy soldier" is such a crybaby!
Aren't I mean?

You're doing great!!!

He's having the basic "Come to Jesus" experience.
On his knees.
Humbled.

This is good.

Pep is right.. This is a good sign he is not just going thru the motions to stop the D train for other than finacial reasons. It now sounds like he is sincere.

Maybe I missed it, but what ever happened to the PCS to Hawaii?

What are your state options putting the D on pause? Did/Do you already have a court date?

Before you can truly have a plan, you would need to be together, and he being active duty his hands are tied. I would also say it's too risky for you to pack up and relocate to him anytime in the near future.

Do you have access to his cellphone records. You should at least be able to keep tabs on that.

Thank you Neak and Pep.
ComingAbout, WH lost that oppertunity.
IDK about putting the D on pause, but I will find out. We have gone to court for child support/custody but not for the trial yet. You are right about us having to be together to recover. It wont work over the phone. I told him the only way I'd consider relocating is if he signed a post-nup. He said he'd sign it. I asked him about the cell records, and he agreed to having them sent to me.

The Cell Phone records (all the providers I am aware of) have online records available typically updated a few times daily.

You just need his log in and password.

Oh yeah... that's true. I forgot I had tried to set up his online account a while back. I'll try again today. Good thinking!

Hey AW!

I think you are doing great! You are being strong and making him do the work. Keep it up!

Regarding the cell phone, I'm not sure if I would waste my time if I was you. It's tough enough to monitor somebody you are living with but tring to monitor him from afar?!? Not worth the effort. He could easily have a second cell phone and you would never know the difference. I'm not saying that he does (or even would) right now but with two young ones running around, I'm sure you have more important things to do then to try to monitor him from a distance.

Just keep making him do ALL of the heavy lifting.

Mindshare

Thank you! And good point... I havent even had a chance to set that up today anyways...

Last night, we talked for 4 hours, and WH really opened up about what happened in Iraq. WOW! Horror stories.... He told me about when his friend SSG Blystone was killed. I googled him and read the sadness...
Then, WH mentioned the fact that we never had a song. We both named a few songs, and we agreed on "I Need You" by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill. Cheesy, I know, lol... But now we have a song, even though we're not back together.
WH's leave request was denied, but after he tried a few times, his request was granted. He'll be here on the 25th. I'm so nervous!
I recieved his STD test results in the mail today. He's clean. Everything came back negative. He also sent me a letter telling me how sorry he is for everything, and how much he loves me and doesn't want me to leave him. At the end he asked me to marry him again and re-commit to our marriage. He said we should renew our vows while he's home. IDK......

Put off any re-commitment till you're sure. He hasn't earned feeling secure yet, not for a long time.

I think he should need to have a counseling session with one of the Harley's before he comes home, not much time then, but maybe they can fit him in.

While he's there, 180's would be in order. No LB's or AO's for sure, be very upbeat and happy a la Plan A, but hold him emotionally at arm's length. He needs to earn his way back into any sort of emotional intimacy with you. How long that takes is totally up to you, and you'll want to play it by ear as you see his behavior/actions.

Don't make it easy, but not quite impossible, either!

I would wager you create an online account to his cellphone, review a few months of records (when you know he was contact with OW), you will see a pattern of calls/texts. You should also see when it ended.

Reviewing the cellphone is one of the ONLY tools of monitoring you have due to distance.

It should not be ignored until looked at.

That does not require you to obsess.

Something you do quietly regardless what you find. The moment you share that information is the moment you lose future us of it.

Just my .02