Hi,
I'm new to the site and i have only known about it for 1 day and already it has been a major help to me. with everything i have been going thru since i have found out my wife had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy I have felt so alone because i did not want to put that info out to any friends or family until we figured out what we are going to do, but now after finding ths site i feel as if i have someone to confide in to help me thru this.

Let me first start by saying our relationship has been rocky from the start nothing ever went as planned and there were times that i even questioned if and how much i loved her and just before our 1 year anniversary i step out on our marriage but honestly it was not because i was unhappy it was more myself being young and thinking i wasn't ready to settle down and when the opportunity arose i let things get out of hand. My wife Found out about three months later about my affair and we decided to try to work thru it and it has been a long bumpy road but we managed to stay together.

So here is where the plot thickens, about a year and half ago my wife lost her job and has been on unemployment and i told her that now would be a good time for her to complete school since she was getting uneemployment and i told her i would get a second job to cover the bills until she finished. About 4 months ago my wife started going to school and i noticed she was becoming more social with her classmates one female inpeticular and she would go out after class and have a few drinks or sometimes would meet with a few classmates outside of class. Now let me remind you that since my affair neither of us have had much of a social life but we had always talked about needing one so even when there were things that i was uncomfortable with i kept my mouth shut because she seemed happier and that was all i cared about. As time went on i kept noticing that one guy in peticular name kept being brought up and i questioned her about it and she said he was like a brother to her and he was dating one of the girls that she had gotten pretty close to in the class. The entire time that she was in class and starting to go out i knew that something just wasn't right but i had no proof and i questioned her and she said i had nothing to worry about. Finally one day she comes to me and she tells me that one of the nights she was out and had a couple ouf drinks she ends up having sex with the guy from her class's cousin and after talking about all the consequences of what could have happen and realizing that she is late for her time of the month. so i decide to get an at home pregnancy test and sure enought it is positve. well after a couple days she decides she wants to tell the truth and the guy is actually the one from class that i suspected all along their is no cousin and to make matter's worst, it is being said that he purposely got her pregnant because he wants to be with her and he figures that is his was of being tied to her and always having a chance.

So hear i am today seeking advice or just a listening ear i know this is long and probably alot of useless info but again i have been carrying this weight and have had no one to vent to. now we are at the point of trying to figure out what to do, when i assked my my about her getting dressed up to go to class and all of th going out she said that it was because she was trying to get my attention and that she was lonely. and i i will admit that i'm not the most affectionate or emotionally person but sometimes i think she ask for to much and i explained to her that i know i'm not home much but i am working to jobs so that you can go to school. so now we have to figure out do we stay since she wasn't happy before the affair. abortion is pretty much out of the question but tat leaves us with do give him up for adoption or do we try to raise the chld as our own, i believe i could raise this child as my own but when i think about the other guy wanting to be involved especially when i think about him getting her pregnanton purpose and knowing that he would go to such great lengths to be with my wife makes me not want him even in the picture, makes me feel like there is going to be 18 years of headaches and turmoil.

Welcome to MB. I am so sorry for the trouble that brings you here but so glad you found us. First, you need to find a family law attorney and find out YOUR rights in your state. Some states the husband is the presumed father and the OM as zero rights to even ask for a paternity test. Some states are no so protective of marriage and will allow the OM to request a paternity. Next, how do you know this child is not yours?

Ok, now has your WW gone NC (no contact) with the OM? If not she must even if that means dropping out of school. I would strongly recommend you counsel with the Harleys and definitely get Dr. Harley's book "Surviving An Affair".

How does your WW feel about keeping the OM out of the picture and raising this OC as yours?

Look up posts by pops, writer1, and Autumn Day. Your family will be in my prayers.

What does your WW want to do at this point?

Is your WW still seeing the OM?

If you want this affair to end WW must go NC with the OM.
This means she will not just not have OM in her classes anymore. WW can not go to the same college as the OM?

Contact a lawyer about keeping the OM out of your life.

What is the chance that the OC is yours?

Do you know of you wife wants to be pregnant with her BF?
Do you know if she wants to stay married?

Thanks for your support it means a lot to me because i have really been feeling alone and not knowing what to do. I am about 99% sure that the child is not mine because i had a vasectomy about three years ago and the she is about 8 weeks preg and claims the affair was about 8 weeks ago. she hasn't gone NC because her best friend works with him and relays messages periodically to her, and he has called her one night when he had been drinking telling her about how he wanted to be there when the baby was born and how he wanted to be with her.
I am the type of guy that i believe that i could raise this child and love it but, i fear that it would be a constant reminder and also that when we were in disagreement taking it out on the child like for instance when in financial hardtimes telling my wife that things wouldn't be so hard if we weren't taking care of another child or something to that affect or saying to her you need to get your child and i don't want to be like that.
I told my wife that we may have a chance if the OM is not in the picture but she has had children taken from her from a previous relationship so she understands the pain and heartache of having children in the world and not being able to see them, so she is torn between the issue of whether to have him involved or not but i am as well because i keep telling my self let him be involved so we can get the child support because it is not right for him to basically be let off scott free while my family continues to struggle while trying to raise another child but on the other hand i don't want to see, hear or have nothing to do with him.

I believe that she wants to stay together but like i said the problems were there before she had her affair we had already talked about ending the marriage after the holidays if things didn't get any better but after all this she claims that she realizes that things were not as bad as she thought they were. It's not just her either i was not happy either but i wasn't unhappy i was more content i knew things were not great but but at the same time i didn't think they were bad either.
W claims that she is not seeing OM and that it was just a one time thing and that was it but i am very skeptical of that. she says she has had NC other than the one day that he called and her friend who works with the guy will call her and say "he wanted me to tell you something do you want to know what he said" she is no longer in class and but his job is about 10 mins from the house and my father is his mailman. I have thought about using my job to transfer but then i feel like i would be running and why should i have to change jobs and move to a new town.
Their is a chance that the OC could be mine but it is a very slim chance, i had a vasectomy 3 years ago, i have not ruled out the fact that they can mess up. the doctor told her they have had 4 vasectomy babies this year so there is always the possibility it's just not likely. That would be a whole new issue if it turned out to be mine then she would try to flip the situation around and talk about me not being supportive and whatever else during the pregnancy and the baby being mine.
I think that i have been doing very well maintaining my composure because i have wanted to lose my cool and take it out on her and go after him to but i know that will not solve anything, although it would make me feel a whole lot better

I have a couple of questions. How long have you and your wife been married? Do the two of you have any children together?

Your situation has a lot of similarities to my own. My H and I are raising my OC (other child). We have NC (No Contact) with the OM. He is not part of my OC's life. He doesn't pay CS (child support). She is 13 mos. old and he has never seen her. He lives 3000 miles away, so that has worked to our advantage. My H also had a vasectomy - 11 years ago - so we know the baby isn't his. I also met the OM in school.

Situation like this can work, but you and your WW (wayward wife) need to decide together what you want to do. Does your WW want to stay and work on the M? Is she willing to go completely NC? NC is imperative to healing a M, even if an OC is involved. I too struggled with guilt thinking that I had to keep the OM in my OC's life. We have been completely NC for only 2 mos. now, but things are going much better in my M now that the OM is out of the picture.

My H and I consider my OC to be OUR daughter. There is no resentment. We do not think of her as a "constant reminder" of what has happened. She is a person in her own right, and we love her for that. My H considers her his daughter. He was there throughout my pregnancy. He went to my ultrasounds. He cut the cord when she was born. His name is on the birth certificate. She is his in every way except for the DNA.

It can be done, but first, you and your WW need to commit to making your M work and deciding what it is that you really want.

My WW and i have been together for 5 years and we have two boys together ages 5 and 3. My WW has told me that it was a big mistake and that she had been out with some friends from school and had a couple of drinks and that this guy from her class kinda of took advantage of the situation. In some ways I believe her story because her ethinicity is very uncommon and the guy that ended up getting her pregnant is from the same ethnic group and they are always encouraged to be with someone of their own race i guess so their race will never die off. i know that sounds really crazy but it's true. so that is why i believe that he purposely got her pregnant. I'm not sure how atimate he is about being involved with the OC but i know right now he is saying that he wants to see the child and be with her. I have never seen or spoken to OM out of fear of losing my temper and doing something i might regret later in life. The other issue that i'm dealing with is the fact that we were already having problems to begin with so now i'm thinking well let's just go ahead and end it. On the other hand i do not belive the grass is going to be greener on the other side, I know that i'm not happy now but I also know that i will not be happy if i leave either

NOH,

Sounds like you have no children in common with this woman, so you have don't have to consider the best interests of YOUR children as they are all HERS. If this is correct why stay.

NJ

Most people are already having problems in their M when an A occurs. I would venture to say that very few happy, content people have A's. You have a couple of good reasons to work on your M and so does your WW - and that would be your two boys.

What state do you live in? The paternity laws differ from state to state, so depending on where you live, the OM may have different rights. In my state (CA) the OM really didn't have any rights. He could have sued for a paternity test, but it may or may not have been granted. Here, the H is considered the legal father of any child born into the M, so my H had all legal rights to the baby. In our case, the OM didn't want legal rights anyway, so that wasn't really a problem. You may want to contact a family law attorney and research the paternity laws in your state to see where you stand.

Is your WW still going to school with the OM? Is she willing to establish NC? Has she expressed a desire to stay and work on the M and raise this child with you?

NJ: He said they have two boys together.

Your WW and OM go to the same college. This can not be done any more. You need your WW to have NC with the OM.

Recieving CS will only keep OM involved with your live's and maybe in between your WW's leg's.

Why risk a restart of the affair and the OM knocking up WW for a second time.

If you go for child support you may wind up with having shared custody.

Also you may think it cowardly to run away by moving. It has nothing to do with you being afraid of OM, but to realize that their won't be NC if you and WW live close to OM.

Why risk a restart of the affair and the OM knocking up WW for a second time.

Not if he castrates this guy

NJ

newjersey

"Not if he castrates this guy"

Get real this BH does not need to do anything to get sued, jail time, risk injury.

Can we at least attempt to remain helpful here?

I live in NC and i have done a little research to find out if he has any rights but i haven't spoken to an attorney yet. My WW is no longer in school but is close friends with a girl that works with the guy and he sometimes tries to relay messages through her but i believe that she has not had C with OM. She has expressed a desire to stay and fix things but my issue is that things were already bad and have been for a while so i keep asking myself is it time to let go. I feel like this may be the straw that will break the camels back.

To Theroad and NewJersey,

I have definetly considered going and taking out my agression on this guy and believe me it would make me feel 100 times better but i know that it would not solve anything in the long run. I have considered moving but like i said why should i have to give up my friends and family and switch jobs. I am still trying to figure out what to do each day it's something new like the other night we got into to a pretty big argument because WW feels like she is being ignored and not getting enough attention but i look at it like i might not be all cuddled up with you but atleast i am here in the bed with you when i could be out at the bar or something. WW also complains about me working to much but i really don't think that i do, i mean yeah i probably work 60-70 hrs a week but i am home everynight at a decent time and i think about all the truck drivers that are gone for weeks or soldiers that are gone for months and feel like she really should not be complaining because it could be worst. I think are biggest issue is that we are not on the same page in several aspects where i see things one way she sees them another. hopefully it will all work out but i guess we will see

�WW is no longer in school but is close friends with a girl that works with the guy and he sometimes tries to relay messages through her but i believe that she has not had C with OM.�

WW is still in contact because this friend is the source of contact. Whether WW is pumping F for OM info, or the push is by the F to pass along info.

So you do not have a WW that is in NC.

�I have considered moving but like i said why should i have to give up my friends and family and switch jobs.�

I think you need IC for your denial issues or your need to have your reading comprehension skills evaluated.

NC is needed for ever. WW is pregnant by the OM. It is bad enough for a WW to lose her addiction for the OM.

You have been told that with the OM living close by will impede healing from this affair, and living close to the OM will make it easier for the chances of the affair restarting.

OM knocked up your WW once.

Why refuse to move and make it easier for the OM to get at her again a few years down the road from now?

Your putting your job in front of your marriage makes it seem that you would be better getting divorced.

Not saying you are working too much. But it appears to your WW that she is not getting enough quality time.

So if your are not willing to relocate, cut back hours, what are you willing to do to improve your marriage?

Maybe you were happy, but it is obvious that your WW went to someone else to make her happy.

Also get tested for fertility because sometimes vasectomy's are 100% permanent.

You could get lucky.

The worse thing is the vasec operation didn't hold. Does not mean the OM can't be the dad, but such news will give hope and a shot at coming out on top.

Chance is better than nothing.

And if your not fertile then you can't waste time thinking you have a shot.

You are right i have been trying to be the nice guy and i told her that she didn't have to stop talking to her friend and I should have, when i told her i do not want her talking to her she does seem to get defensive and say that she has nothing to do with an of it, but she has cut back contact quite a bit since all this.

You bring up a good point about what am i doing in all this to help rebuild my marriage and i thought i was doing more than i actually was but in my mind by me staying and still providing for my family and not emotionally abusing her no matter what thoughts were going through my head when i think about her with another man or see her sitting there pregnant with another man's baby. I know that it is going to take a lot of effort on my part but its hard when i get stressed out and think about all this and it makes me want to just give up. But like i said before, it is little things she does that make it hard to show and express my love for her. For instance I feel like if i just worked 14 hour day then i should not have to come home and fix myself something to eat and give the kids a bath and do whatever else while she sits on the couch and watches T.V. and the only thing that she has done that day is go to one class and pick the kids up from daycare. I know that this probably sounds really shallow or like i am some type of womanizer but i am really not all i am getting at is that i feel like i am carrying a lot more of load than she is and it has been that way for a while. Please no one take this the wrong way because i have no problem cooking, cleaning or raising the kids but i would like to feel like there is a balance.

I have considered moving and i have not ruled it out yet but starting over in a new town were you don't know anyone or anything is tough, giving it could be a good thing but yet still tough. Another reason I do not want to give up my job is because i have a lot of flexibility and if for any reason i need time off i am able to take it, not only that but i make my own schedule so if she has to work,i can work around her schedul or if one of the kids have something come up i can take that day off. She has asked me if i would be interested in going back in to the Army so we can move away and i thought about it but i was like what's going to happen if i get sent to war. I know that we have been needing some time away and i told her that when had just few extra dollars we would run away for the weekend but that is the problem we have been in a financial hole for about 6months that just seems to keep getting deeper and deeper and adding to our problems.