Alice, I don't think your H cheats because of unmet needs, but because this is a way of life with him. Cheating is not an aberration of character to him.

That being said, what does he say about your appearance? What ARE his top emotional needs? Have you both taken the lovebusters questionaires?

The books I think would help the most would be Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders and Surviving an Affair. The first one will be a REAL eye opener to you, I suspect.

You say you have been married for 14 years but your oldest is 17. Did you live together before you got married?

Thank you for shining a light!

I also sort of thought you were referring to the fact he might be insecure of his own standing about getting a partner that is visually attractive and settled for what settled for him.

Also anyone else have this happen?? Shortly after D-Day I went to pick him up from work and when I saw him coming out with the crowd of guys I became repulsed by his appearance. As if even he were cleaned up I would be repulsed. I said outload to my mom on the phone at the time that love must be blind, because how did I marry such a little weasel. Things that had not bothered me before about him suddenly did.

I'm on high alert and staying in high alert is not comfortable. If he truly is continuing his cowardly ways then I will have to plan B him. And good luck to her, hah.

As for personal recovery, soul and body I'm working on it. Ironically the more time I invested in myself, taking care of me, the worse things have gotten in the marriage. And that was of recent because I had a near death experience, ICU, a few years back due to my negligence of self. I woke up and fought back and made it out with the mindset that I have to take care of me. But like I said the more I tried the worse things got within our marriage, more neglectful or outright sabatoge on his part. So I would back off, get more sick and then have to come back fighting. Now I'm trying to get my head into that mode of must take care of me. It's not something I have practiced very well, even though apparently I thought so but was blind. I'm a giver to the core. Those in my life know this and shame if they don't. I give, give, and give. My therapist has helped me realize that feeling responsible for others, how they are, is not my responsibility. It's a hard thing to come to realize. I'd keep giving, and giving, and giving. I need to give to myself now.

He doesn't say anything about my appearance now, good or bad. Unless I ask outright and then it's your ok. If I press further it's you could change you hair a little, use some make up, lose some weight. If I press it further, as in what would you have me do with my hair, he sais I don't know. I know one thing for sure I'd have a hard time shrinking a foot in height, hah hah!

I've taken the questionaire, he hasn't. And apparently he has no desire. When asked what about these books I got doesn't set right with him. His answer is, they are books and he doesn't read books. That when he was little and growing up he went out and was active, he's an action guy. Books mean he has to sit and read. When I pointed out that he reads the internet news, mainly what's going on in hollywood and politics, and that Marriage Builders was online and had the things in the books online and he could read it there. I got the rolled over glassy eyed look. Ok, so I dropped it. As I have been told in more than one way he no longer has a problem, end of story let's move forward.

I'll look into that book, thank you for the recommendation!

My oldest is 17 and he's from a previous relationship. His father was 6 years older than me and an exconvict. I was 16 at the time when I got pregnant and chose to have my son. At the time we were engaged by consent of all relatives before I became pregnant. I just wisened up and ran away as fast as I could, 4 states away, at the protest of many. I didn't want my son being raised in an physically abusive environment and around drugs and alcohol.

My husband and I did live together for for about 30 days before we were married and were engaged at the time when we did.

I get it what you are saying about this being his true character, I'm just finding this so hard to grasp. So many folks know of us or him. And so many people have come up to me over the years and have asked me to say hello to him, happens just about everytime I go out. Some of them I know, others I don't. But he gets along well with lots of people. His bosses have all enjoyed his hard working and good attitude, current one sais he's his right hand man. Now I just have been letting some of them know he's a man whore, after I show them I no longer wear my wedding band and watch their quizzical expression. I just get weirded out when the gas station I have frequented all this time, the lady bhind the counter now complains to me about her long hours and that she has a family she never gets to see, and it must be so nice to have a hard working husband and I get to stay at home, something she never has really done - converse with me. Or like this morning on our morning weekend breakfast date, that I still do with him, the waitress good naturedly teased me about my food looking so good she wanted to eat it, I said she could and she said she couldn't by herself, so I said I'd share and truly meant it even though I knew she was teasing and then she looked straight at him and said about me she's a keeper I don't know what's wrong with you. Ya, umm weirded me out. I have never exposed this to her, so? Or the cashier at the walmart he told me I have it so nice or the other gas station lady who always asks where he is. Things that have just recently been happening, that haven't been before.

Oh and he knows I write and visit here and I can tell it bothers him. But that's just it, he gets bothered. Oh well.

here's a link to help connect this http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2273675&page=4

I'm frustrated because right now he's moved to the couch, the only place we have to sit as a family during the day. He got up from the chair and limped in to smoke a cigarrete and see what I am up to, reading and posting - heh. I saw that he was in pain and I offered him a double leg massage and a chance at sleeping in our clean bed but first could he get a shower. NOPE! grrr .... No, he just moved his dirty, stinky self to the couch and shut the curtains. Grumbled, letting me I know that I don't care about the long hours and how hard he works. So I've asked a couple of folks who know of this problem, do I get my own bed and they said no it defeats the purpose and takes away from the marriage. Well hell! Now where are we supposed to sit today!!!

so come along and correct me if I am wrong, it helps to see it from anothers view

I read what you all put and reread some more of LoveBusters. And I did something that I was not at first happy about but I realized what was most important for me to work on in this marriage was me. Now I keep realizing that but I get distracted easy and before you know it I've lost sight. I don't want to be Bob who was on his 3rd marriage in the book. Or my mother who is on her 2nd and everything is almost identical to the first marriage, right down to the guy who is one letter off of my dad's name, enough so that she often calls him by my dad's name. Or like my husband's mother who has resorted herself to believing she doesn't need anyone yet is very attached to her son and doesn't see the damage it's done/doing. Or like my brother who drove his wife to the airport knowing she was going to have an affair and then keeps living with her despite the fact of what she is doing and he's miserable. I don't want to be any of these people or the many other folks I have seen in marriages gone way bad or remarriages that don't last longer than the November wind. Whether my husband and I make it, time will surely tell. What I want and I feel I need to do is work on me. Right here, right now, right in this mess.

Operation Dirty Bed - I'd like to call it that.

I surrendered. I gave it up. I didn't want to. I did it with telling myself screw the marriage work on me. I had mentally set a plan to say what I needed to say and then follow through what I thought I needed to do for me, not us. Him frequently going to bed dirty has been going on a long time. And I get what you say he doesn't respect me, the marriage, let alone himself. This dirty business has/is a thorn in my side. I have had a difficult time with what to do or say but few results last long. Maybe this one won't either. Maybe it's to early to grin with glee, so I won't. Operation DB is just one part of the dirty. And today I gave it up or so I thought and quickly it changed. When he got up this evening and I had his full attention I said a few things. I wasn't trying to be LoveBusterish, I hope I wasn't. And I know some of you see this as a black and white issue, I get that. I told him that I loved him and that I know he loves me. I said I knew that he has been verbally and nonverbally getting the message from me that when he does this, going to bed dirty, that I'm not important and it makes me feel unloved and not secure. Which he spoke at the same time as I was saying it verbatim as if he was speaking a recorded message and disgusted by the message. And I repeated that this was true about the way I feel. Then I said, got real quiet when I said this, I understand that he feels disrespected by my request, that he feels I don't appreciate him. Because he works long, dirty hours, in a stressful envirnment and that he feels if I did respect and appreciate him I would just let him go to bed as is. Then I said I do appreciate the job he's doing as an income provider and I'm sorry. Then I said I'm giving up this fight, he can come home and go to sleep anyway he wishes. That I'll try hard not to bring it up again. Got super quiet and then went to bedroom to smoke. I shortly followed and sat back on the still clean bed and picked up what I had been reading and studying, POJA. After a bit he got my attention and said he was sorry. Uh, wow - I truly didn't see that coming. Then he said first thing in the morning he was taking a bath and would I shave him, to which I agreed. Then I thought of POJA, the unexpected reaction, and the fact things are not always black and white. So I said I was open to the idea of him having his own bed somewhere's that he can crash on without messing up our bed. He said he wasn't interested but perhaps a fold up cot would be nice. I said I'd agree as long as he wasn't abusing it, as in sleeping there every day of the week because I really enjoyed sharing our warm big bed together. Then he said he did too, and that he'd agree. I said we need to take some time out, in the morning after his bath, to give this some thought because we need to come to an agreement we both truly accept. Anyways my orginal plan was to let him go back to sleeping to however he felt he should and go get my own bed. This way I would sleep more comfortable knowing I wasn't rolling around in filth or that I had to wash the sheets for the hundredth time that month. Essentially taking care of me. This may still well turn out this way. We shall see if this turns out to be a lasting solution, if it gets off the ground.