Good thinking JKT.
Change nothing. That's why I said before that I'm just gonna do my thing and see what he does.
I have the child support judgement and I'm not backing down on $$.
I wont push him away....
He says he wants to get his life back on track.

Wow... I can't believe what happened at Fort Hood! I am so sad for those that lost loved ones.
STBXH called me right after it happened and told me he was on lockdown because of a shooting on post. I heard the emergency sirens going off and turned on the TV on msnbc and saw what was going on. SCARY!

STBXH and I have been talking a lot the past couple days. It's mostly him apoligizing and begging for me to take him back, and me saying I dont believe him and I'm afraid to get hurt again. He even started crying in front of the other soldiers when he was on lockdown yesterday.
He says he broke up with OW a few days ago and told her he wanted me back. I asked him what her response was and he said she cried and said "What if she doesnt take you back? Dont try to come back to me if she doesnt" He told her that he's willing to take the chance and that if I dont take him back, at least he can say he tried.
OW messaged me on myspace and said "Sorry for being a homewrecker. I think you are beautiful. I hope things work out for ya'll."
I told STBXH I couldnt give him an answer until I see him in person. He talked to his 1st Sgt. and got him to approve leave for this month. He just has to wait for Sgt. Major's approval. If he comes this month he wont be able to take leave for Christmas.
I asked him if he would sign a post-nup and he said he would. He said he'll do anything and that he wants his family back.

I was driving DD to school and I prayed for a sign on whether or not I should go back to TX. Just as I was praying, a big white truck cut me off. It had TX license plates and said "Temple,TX" all over it. Temple is right near Fort Hood. I wonder if that means anything.

I asked STBXH if he would read some stuff on here and he said he would but he doesnt have a computer and asked if I could print something out and send it to him. Any suggestions on what to send?

The book

Surviving An Affair (order from this site)

Have them mail it to him.

I am not sure what I would send,butI can tell you I went through the tears stage but never got an admission of guilt even though I had proof and plenty of it. I wanted tolet you know I believe in the signs that Godgives us. When Ifirst noticed he hadother interests I was always too busy to pay attention. I was finishing up my degree and raising our kiddos. Then I was laid off and BOOM it all hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. I prayed everyday for God to show me if it was something for me to worry about and everyday I got another sign that something was wrong. I will pray that your answers come and that you are at peace with it all. I will pray the the OW find what she needs from someone else so that you and yours are protected. Bless you and those at Ft. Hood.
Deedee

aw, you still need 6 solid months of work on his part before I could believe him. And that's without sex. If he loves you for life, he can live with 6 months of penance for what he's done.

I really wish the posts on the military forum had not disappeared. I believe it is most difficult even with the best marriages to withstand deployments. Have you thought about continuing with your plan, but maintaining some sort of relationship while he is gone or leaving the door open after his return? I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but it seems like attempting any recovery right before your H deploys again is not a good idea. How would it be possible to meet each other's ENs?


I don't know. With my own situation, I am not exactly the advice wizard lately. I'm not even following my own advice.

AM

Hmmm... I guess there's no "right time" then. There's no way I want to wait another year and a half to "work things out". I'm already to the point where I'm ready to give up anyways. I cant do the long distance thing, so I might as well start seeing other people. The only way it could work is if I move there. We have until September til he deploys.
He's been keeping me on the phone all day,everyday, crying, begging, pleading... I wish I could see into the future and know what's the right thing to do.

Me too. I would love to know what will happen even next week. I certainly understand your feelings.

AM

You should not be seeing other people as long as you are still married. This sets a horrible example for your children, and it is not fair to the other people, since you are not legally free.

Besides, it makes you also an adulterer. Do you really want that?

Hello AW,
I've never posted to you before but wanted to share my thoughts.
None of us can look into the future...God doesn't give us that privilege..we all get the same thing..one day at a time and the rest we have to trust HIM with it.
I don't like the idea of not knowing but if we did know, then what would be the point of faith? Ask God to show you what you need to do just for today...accept your situation just as it is today and see if there's any embers left in your heart for your H. It's possible to rekindle.
I realize your frustration. Here's how I see things...all I have to do is get through today. If I've committed myself to the long haul, then I will walk the talk one day at a time. I won't worry about tomorrow as I know God will give me everything I need then as He has for today.
Your charge is to get through today...
Ask for guidance and you shall receive it...you simple have to believe that it is yours.
It's a tough road, but you wouldn't be on it if God didn't know you were equipped to handle it.
Blessings,
W

What purpose would it serve to 'see other people' other than to boost your ego? Would it help your kids? Would it help get your H back? Would it help you feel proud of yourself through your struggles?

I don't think so.

You can last another year or two on your own. You owe it to your kids and yourself to take the high road. You'll have to live with whichever road you take, for the rest of your life.

Ok, so I'm not really gonna date other people...

I think maybe STBXH is for real this time. I think plan B/D worked. He cried so hard last night because he finally saw what life is like without me. I have never heard him cry like that. It was even worse than when his aunt passed away. He kept begging for me to tell him I still love him and want him back. I said "I love you, but I dont know if I want you back" He cried sooooo hard. He said he never realized how good he had it until I was gone, and he cant imagine living the rest of his life without me or seeing me with another man. He kept saying "I cant believe I f*cked things up this bad."
He is the one trying to initiate recovery this time, not me. He keeps me on the phone with him almost all day long, which is different for him. He's begging me to take him back and do MC and couple's retreats with the military...
I am glad I plan B'd and filed the D. It showed him I am serious and not playing his games.
I have the power to REALLY hurt him right now. I can hurt him worse than he hurt me. But, being a Christian, I believe in forgiveness. This is very frustrating.

So....what are you doing now? Are you supposed to be in Plan B? IM? Did he agree to all your requirements?

Right now I am playing hard to get and looking for proof that he REALLY wants to recover. He agreed to do anything I need him to do to prove himself. I told him I need an STD test, and I need to see him in person. He made an appointment for the STD testing, and is waiting on the results. He put in a request to take leave this month. He wants us to go talk with our pastor. He gave me all his passwords. He agreed to stay out of bars. He stays on the phone with me from the time we wake up (except while at work) to the time we fall asleep (whoever falls asleep first hangs up) just so we both know what eachother is doing at all times. He agreed to read anything I print from this site and send to him, and then discuss them.
I'm going to cotinue with plan D until I am thouroghly convinced he wants to recover. Even if I'm convinced, I still dont know if I'm going to take him back. Time will tell.
I asked him why he did everything he did, and he said two things:
1. He was hanging out with the wrong people. (his bestie is out of the Army and back home now)
2. He is only happy when he is with me and the kids, and gets very depressed, and was trying to make himself happy again, but it didn't work. He said he couln't believe I actually filed for D, and has been completely miserable since then, but tried to hide it because of pride.

AW,

If you consider getting back with your H, please, please set the bar very high for his return. I realize I did not do this. Your H has PTSD from his deployment that needs to be addressed. I wish I could tell you more to do, but I am still floundering here about all the right things to do. I do know that whatever you decide to do, you will be OK.

AM

YES MA'AM! ILY AM! Raising the bar...
He breaks down everytime I tell him IDK if I want him back. Hahaha... I'm getting so much pleasure out of this. I am not afraid to lose him anymore. I wont make it easy on him.

AW,

I learned something very powerful this week. Even though posters had been writing about it here, what I learned is that when a person does not operate from a place of fear, he/she can do almost anything. It also makes the person very attractive to others. You are not afraid anymore.

AM

Very true...

AW,

AM is right on with her last post! You are not operating from a place of fear. You are doing so well!

Be very careful about what your WH says to you right now. Talk is cheap. You need to see actions!! You need to see him doing the heavy lifting to repairing the damage that he has caused!! I don't belive that you should stop the D process until you see concrete actions on his part to make changes and prevent any of this from ever happening again.

You have pushed forward to a place of strength and I would really hate to see you fall back into despair because he comes crying to you and you are guilted into taking him back. Make him earn it! And, you can forgive but NEVER forget the things that he had done to you and his own children.

Keep being the strong woman that you are! Your kids need and deserve it.

Mindshare

Keep reminding yourself that he can survive six months of unhappiness as he works to prove himself.

If people can survive living in concentration camps, or battle chemotherapy, or live on a handful of rice a day, he can live with a little 'down' time.

Don't let him sweet talk you into feeling sorry for him.