WH is here posting as "infantryman". him. or just give him advice lol.

From your WH's thread:

Before anything else I would advise which ever of you reads this first (I'll post on your BW thead also) needs to initiate a boundry chat for MB to work.

You MUST both agree to stay off each others threads as otherwise you will both avoid being truly honest on here for fear of hurting othes feelings etc..

If something is written in private and then the next time you two talk that thing is rammed down the other ones throat clearly the trust will go and MB will become either useless or a battle ground.

Also each of you will recieve different advice to suit your needs and direct situation. If you ever speak with Steve Harley you will see he councils seperately to encourage each individual to grow in their journey.

Once again its ESSENTIAL you both commit to staying off each others threads.

Good idea to stay off eachother's threads. It's been almost a week since WH got home, and things have been going better than I expected. It was really awkward for me at first. He cried and begged in person. He's been focusing on no LB's and meeting my ENs. He even went and got my name tatooed on his wedding finger. We went to church today, and he's supposed to do some counselling with our pastor in a few days. He's been very helpful around the house and with the kids. We'll see how long this lasts....

He left for TX this morning. It was horrible.
His visit was great. Up until last night. I dont know why I did this, but I started an arguement over money. It was really stupid and I dont know why,but even though I knew I was hurting him, and could see it in his eyes, I kept going. Finally I stopped talking and cried because I felt bad and because I knew he was leaving in the morning. He tried to comfort me.
This morning he was distant as he packed up. He said he didnt know if things could work out after last night because I really pushed him and on purpose. I apoligized but he just kissed me and left.
A few days ago, he asked me to go get the papers to call off the divorce. I did, but he left without signing them. I called him and asked him why, and he said he dosn't want me and the kids to move to TX anymore because of last night's arguement. I told him I wished he never came to see me if this is how it was going to turn out.
Makes no sense to me why he'd go through all the trouble to "prove himelf" to me, and even tatoo my name on his finger, and then just give up over a stupid arguemet. He couldn't even tell me what it was I said that made him feel so bad.
I wrote him a long letter to apoligize and sent it off in the mail. I'v been crying all day.

{{{aw}}} So sorry.

Maybe you could ask for some 3-way phone counseling? I'm sure he is protecting himself, thinking you're going to 'blame' him for the rest of his life. I guess I would target that, reassure him you can move on. Above all, I'd be vulnerable with him, share with him what you've been going through and what your hopes are. Let him be your savior.

And can't YOU call off the divorce? You don't have to sign any final papers, do you?

It's NOT about the argument.
You know that, don't you?

It's about the lack of care and love-busters.

AW,

First of all, Pep is correct. She is wise and retired so you should listen up! lol...

Second, this is the biggest bunch of garbage I have seen in a while. It's cold-hearted manipulation. Plain and simple. After all of the crap he pulled on you this last year he has the nerve to put the demise of the relationship on you because of a single argument. C'mon AW.... Wake up!! You are a strong young woman but you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by an immature bully. Don't fall for that nonsense. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty. Sure, you probably made a mistake engaging in an argument but let's get a reality check here. Compared to his side of the street? Stone cold manipulation and you are falling for it hook line and sinker. He knows that he sucked you back in with his crying the past month and his visit and now he is going to try to manipulate you again.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Mindshare

Catperson, makes sense what you're saying.
The paper I have is supposed to be signed by both of us.
Pep, I get it... I know it's about the LBs. I knew what I was doing, and I still did it. I was in a bad mood because he was leaving the next day, and also because of PMS.
Minshare, you are right. I shouldn't let him put the demise of our relationship on me. I know that the things he has done are far worse than me starting an agument.

The last time we talked he says he loves and misses me, and he'll always love me. But in the same conversation he says he doesn't want to stop the divorce and that he doesn't think I'll ever change when it comes to LBs. He said I made him feel like he came all the way out here for nothing. I don't know what he expected of me.
He said many times that he is happy when he's home, and miserable when he's away. Maybe he's right. I see a pattern here. 1. He comes home and everything's great. 2. We start pushing eachother away right before he leaves. 3. He leaves and is angry and depressed. 4. He takes it out on me. 5. We split up. 6. We miss eachother. And then it starts all over with #1.
I texted his sister that he doesn't want us to move to TX anymore. She textd me "That's lame. U should divorce him. Don't let him keep u hangin. U guys will never make it work if u spend any more time apart."

IDK............
At least I didn't get any tatoos!

Pick yourseilf up... You screwed up, yes. But do not let him get away with playing the sympathy card long term.

You apologized, acknowledge your mistake, promise to work on it... If that is not enough. Give him some space again. let him decide.

You are right... I apologized over the phone and by letter and promised to work on myself. He should get my letter today. I'll give him his space now.
We had plans for me and the kids to go to TX to spend Christmas with him. I was going to make the arrangements yesterday, so I called him to let him know we would be there. He said "Please dont". He told me it would be too hard to see me. WTF? I asked him why it would be too hard and he said he didn't know and that he just wants to be alone. I dont understand this man! I know it is hard for him to have to leave his family and go back to TX, but could it really be so hard that he wouldn't want us to come for Christmas anymore?
I told him DD would be disappointed, and that if that's REALLY what he wants, the I'd go get our tree and we'd celebrate here. He said it's really what he wants. I took the kids to get our tree last night.
I'm so mad at myself for letting him come back.

AW,

I'm mad at you too! For letting him back into the relationship without him demonstrating enough over a long enough period of time to deserve it. You opened right back up to him and now from my standpoint it sounds like you are even chasing him?!?! WTF?!?! Where is that strong AW that I knew about 3-4 weeks ago?? Time to bring her back to the forefront right away. You let your guard down. WH is manipulating the h@ll out of you. Stick with Plan D and let him stew....

Sorry for the 2x4 AW. I'm just really unhappy to see you hurting like this and I am trying to wake you up!!!

Mindshare

Thank you... LOL...
I didnt officially take him back, but I'm mad at myself for even letting him back in my life and giving him a chance to prove himself. I'm mad at myself for letting my guard down. But what I'm REALLY angry about is that he doesn't want me to bring the kids out for Christmas anymore, just because he doesn't want to see me. DD was upset when I told her. I'm soooooo p*ssed!
I dont know what he is manipulating me for... What could he be getting out of this? I never backed down on the D or child support. I just dont understand this. Maybe he just wants to throw a pity party and make everyone feel sorry for him that he'll be alone for Christmas... Or maybe he is "lost" again and is "trying to get over me". Who fricken knows???

AW,

I relate to what has happened to you recently. Often when my H was going away from the family, especially for long periods of time, deployments, or back from R&R, I would either pick an argument with H or withdraw from him. It was a self-protection thing for me.

On your H's thread, I had posted a list of things for him to do - stop hanging out with friends that he went drinking with, find some friends who had good character and behavior, address his PTSD, etc. After a couple of weeks, I asked him what things he was doing on the list, but I don't think he ever posted again. So I don't know if those were things he was thinking about, or did not want to do. He knows what these values are, but it is up to him and not you for him to live them.

In any case, I agree with the posts that said he was manipulating you, making this last episode look like anything H does at this point is your fault. But it is NOT. What he does or does not do is not your fault.

Only accept him if he is the man and husband you deserve. And it does not look like this is something he can do by Christmas time.

I am so sorry for you and for your children. Please don't be mad at yourself.

AM

I'm so sorry to hear of this latest development, aw, but I am not surprised.

When your H first posted here I was disturbed by the poor quality (for want of a better phrase) of his post. It was just about the most sparse, most reluctant post I had ever seen anybody write.

A few people responded to him straight away, but he did not come back for hours - it might have been a full day. That seemed odd to me for someone who is desperate to save his marriage.

He was asked lots of questions and given many suggestions, but his next (and I think last) post was just as vague, un-desperate, un-informative and un-bothered as the first one. I read your thread again and saw your description of a man who had just woken up in shock and was anxious to put his marriage back together. I read his posts again and did not recognise the same man.

If you haven't done so already (and I know we advise against this here), I think you should read his thread now. I don't recommend that you post on it (what would be the point anyway?) but reading it would let you see the reluctance you were and are dealing with.

I don't think his heart was ever in rebuilding the marriage and I don't think the argument was the real reason he left. It might just have confirmed his belief that his trying was not worth it, but I don't think he was ever really committed.

AW,

Sugar is dead-on. I don't think he was ever really committed to rebuilding the marriage. He was not willing to put in the hard work and I saw the exact same thing in his feeble attempt at posting here on MB. He didn't respond to any direct questions or really show he was interested in learning about a new path to take in his marriage. That last argument was just an excuse like Sugar said. He had already made up his mind.

Go back to focusing on being a good person and a strong mother for those beautiful kids. They will need you more then ever.


Mindshare

I've heard about the self-protection thing from other military wives as well... It's so hard to have to love someone who's always leaving for long periods of time.
He mentioned your post and said you were right. I havn't read it yet, but it's the only one he mentioned. I dont think he'll post again any time soon because doesn't have a computer.

Mindshare and Sugar, maybe you're right. IDK... I'm surprised he even posted at all because he hates reading, writing, and using computers. I'm sure he could've posted more if he really wanted to though. I felt like he did what I wanted him to do while he was here, but he could've done more. We never have enough time.

I just read his thread and I see that he doesnt sound very into it. It's hard to tell beause he hates this type of stuff. Someone mentioned him having low self-eteem. I think that is a good point. He's always saying how un-worthy he is of me. He fishes fr compliments and admiration.
He also mentions alcohol. I know he was really depressed and was drinking a lot until I filed for child support, and he couldn't afford it anymore.

I was thinking about taking the bus to TX for Chistmas because it's cheaper than fying. Yesterday when I took DD to school, her teacher told me she had a dream that she saw me and the kids getting on a bus to TX, and that she gave me a gift to give to their dad. After she told me about the dream, she pulled out a stocking and asked me to fill it with his favorite candy and send it to him. Weird... I dont feel like being nice.

Ugh..... now the OW is trying to add me on myspace. I'm just SO DONE with this drama!

Go for it! Add her! Then you have access to all HER friends, and you can tell them what a great all-around wonderful homewrecker she is!